Sequential Ads - A Bad Case of WORMS (1982)

 

Sequential Ads

Give Someone... a Bad Case of WORMS (1982)
From Mattel
Yanked from: Justice League of America #208 (November, 1982)

Hey, I thought gross-out humor was more of a 90's thing? I dunno, I look at this -- and, knowing what little I do about "bad cases of worms", makes me itch in places I'd rather not scratch.

Looking at this advert, you might think the product that Mattel is shilling here is simply called "Worms". As, it's the only word that is stylized... bubble-fonted... covered in, ya know... worms. But, in fact, the product's full name is "A Bad Case of Worms".

If you're unaware of the gimmick here, if your parents were to give you A Bad Case of Worms, what you'd be getting is... well, a small plastic briefcase with a pair of sticky worm-like strips of rubber inside it.

Boy, it's amazing to consider just how easy it used to be for us to amuse ourselves, right? Just a couple of sticky bits of rubber and a box.

They were displayed in shops on the usual sort of action-figure peggable packaging, as seen below - and included a certificate you could fill out to... I dunno, legally adopt the little buggers? Legitimize your fandom of non-toxic sticky strips of rubber?

As these were firmly and unashamedly "boy toys", a big emphasis is being placed on how you can use these little critters to gross out all of the important girls in your life. That annoying classmate? Your sister? Your mom? The lunch lady? Nobody's safe from a big ol' infection of WORMS.

In fact, the TV commercial for A Bad Case of Worms is pretty much all about freaking people out. Take a look:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hay3EiNeOV4

Just lookit that thumbnail... ol' Elroy looks dementedly pleased with himself. What he doesn't realize is, he'd likely be grossing the gals out even without the worms.

Now, you might be thinking that scaring li'l sis is the only thing these bits are good for... and, well - you'd mostly be right. But, what would you say if I told you that these Worms can perform tricks? Because, well -- that's the other half of the usefulness of these parasitic Nematodes. By pressing on them, you can make them dance... and if you toss 'em at many of the "slick surfaces" in your home, they'll slither their way down. Oh, what fun!

The Trouble With Trematodes came out just a bit before my time. Well, I was living and breathing on the planet when this Sequential Ad hit... but, I was at an age where I don't think my parents would've entrusted me with stinky sticky rubber. For my generation of gross-boys, we had Wacky Wall Walkers -- which, were basically the same thing, only not shaped like worms. Though, for all I know, there may've been some worms in the mix. I seem to remember spiders.

Actually, after a bit of digging, I just found out I was half-right... or, only mostly wrong. Wacky Wall Walkers were more octopus-ish. Here's a look at an Apple Jacks Commercial which included a (hopefully) non-toxic glow-in-the-dark clump of sticky rubber within.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syg2kapqem8

And, if you've got an extra half-hour to kill... here's the Wacky Wall Crawler's... Christmas Special? I remember seeing commercials for this... but, I don't think I ever processed that it was actually a thing that exists on our Earth. "Deck the Halls With Wacky Walls"!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xrpxNcu3mes

Back to "A Bad Case..." I mentioned at the start of this already overlong and unfunny piece that, the thing that most jumped out at me was... the name. "A Bad Case of the Worms" conjures up some strange sensations -- nobody, not even a gross boy of ye old 1982, wants to play with parasites... right? I mean, I'm not here to kink-shame or judge, but... ya know, yuck.

I did a little bit of research on the name, and found out that the person responsible is Jill Barad, who would go on to become the wildly successful CEO of Mattel in 1997. She'd state, in a 1990 interview with the Los Angeles Times that "A Bad Case of the Worms" was a bomb. She was handed the product to market very early on in her Mattel career (she'd start at the company in 1981). She said that they "crawled down [the wall] in a very unattractive way." and admits that, "I was responsible for that awful name." Barad claims that the failure of A Bad Case of Worms taught her a lot about "play value" in toys. Which, yeah -- there really wasn't much with the Worms, was there?

With some fake-ass history out of the way, let's take a look at the Sequential Ad itself... using a "found" version of the advert... since mine (above) is a bit muddy.

First things first, we see that the entire city has been overcome with a Bad Case of the Worms... you can see the folks atop the skyscrapers in full-on panic mode. Either that, or they're hyped to watch the Worms travel down the entire length of the building... in their trademark "very unattractive way".

From here, we meet our main character -- who gleefully and proudly informs us that his new toy is "absolutely disgusting". I really don't understand it -- was there a time when boys prided themselves on being gross? Was this a thing... or did the toy companies just try and "make it so"? I honestly don't remember ever wanting to be gross.

From here, he tells us that we can "toss 'em at a smooth wall" and "watch 'em crawl". I'd like to think he's rapping this entire bit. Maybe he's got an equally disgusting friend over in the corner beatboxing along with him.

In our senses-shattering conclusion, our hero uses the bright and colorful neon worms to scare the absolute bejeezus out of his dimwitted sister. That's what she gets for being a girl! Punishment fits the crime, you ask me.

In our post-credits sequence, we find out that these "creepy little devils" are non-toxic... and, if washed with soap and water become just as sticky as ever. I dunno about y'all, but I'm already picturing these things covered in pet hair and dust. I'd guess that, you might get about 45 seconds of play time out of these things. Though, I suppose your mileage may vary.

That's all for today. Were YOU ever afflicted with A Bad Case of Worms? If so, please share your experiences here! I say this with fingers-crossed that this post doesn't find its way onto a fetish sub-reddit!

X-Lapsed Origins - Marvel Super-Heroes (UK) #388 (1982)

Marvel Super-Heroes (UK) #388 (August, 1982)

"Graveyard Shift"

Writer - Alan Moore

Art - Alan Davis

Letters - Jenny O'Connor

Colors - Helen Nally

Edits - Paul Neary

Cover Price: 63p

Today we're taking a look at the second chapter of the Alans run on Captain Britain.  As we saw last time, our new creative team isn't exactly shy about killing off characters... we lost us a Jackdaw and a Dimples!  Heavens me!

I wonder if our new scribe might try and top himself here.

We might just find out that not even our titular hero is safe!

Let's gooo!

--

We open with The Fury watching the broken Captain Britain as he pulls himself into Mad Jim Jasper's teapot chopper.  It's made clear here (and even clearer in just a bit) that despite Brian apparently fleeing... the cybiote beast is not done with him.  We next join Beautiful Bri as he questions Mad Jim - blaming him for everything that's gone on since he'd arrived in this twisted version of London.

This leads us to a bit of a quick n dirty origin for Mister Jaspers... and the take on him that we would see very briefly during the Claremont run leading up to the Mutant Massacre.  James Jaspers was a power-player in the government, who made the suggestion that it would be in the best interest of everybody that super-heroes not only be banned... but wiped out.  He used scare tactics to sway the people to his cause... and even created The Fury as his means to an end in achieving his goal.  Ya see, the gimmick here is that Jaspers himself is a Mutant (with reality-warping powers, naturally)... and, he didn't want any super-powered competition.

It's also made quite clear here that "Mad" isn't just a silly descriptor for this fella... he's flat-out insane.  The scene twists a bit -- and Brian can see that the inside of this tiny teapot chopper is actually quite huge... impossibly huge.  Deep inside, he sees a banquet hall and a long table.  Seated there are some of his fallen friends, including Algernon, Dimples, and poor ol' Jackdaw.  They all have sinister smiles on their faces.

Brian is then approached by the face of a child, who asks him for some money.  This is the same child who Brian had creepily asked if they "believed in magic" a few chapters back.  Our hero can't take it anymore - and so, he books it out of the chopper.  Unfortunately for him, he cannot summon enough concentration to attain flight... and so, he crashes down to the ground below.  Turns out he's landed in a superhero graveyard.  He walks past several headstones (including one for... Miracleman!).

He finally comes across the open grave for Captain UK.  Now, we've heard a little bit about this Captain earlier in this run... but, outside of knowing that they had vanished, we don't know all that much.  Brian kneels down before the freshly dug grave and sobs.  He wants to know why Merlin would send him to such a place.  He doesn't get long to ponder this, however, as... The Fury has not given up its hunt.  The Cybiote Blasts Betsy's Beautiful Blonde Brother Brian from Behind until all that's left of him are a Bundle of British Bones!

We wrap up elsewhere, with a woman suddenly shocked to attention -- as though somebody had just walked over her grave.  Hmm...?

--

Another great chapter -- and what an ending!

The Fury achieves its goal in taking out -- what might be the only remaining hero on this Crooked Earth... and we get to learn quite a bit about Mad Jim Jaspers.  I love how silly and petty his entire rationale is.  He's a powered Mutant... and, ushered in this wave of fear over the masses simply because he didn't want any super-powered competition!  How great (and "Mad") is that?

I enjoyed seeing his origins... finding out that this weirdo creep was, at one time, a mover and shaker in the government.  Not only that, he was apparently a trusted member of government.  Seeing this again only makes me wish that Claremont was allowed to use him as part of the Mutant Massacre.  For folks unaware (though, if you're reading this minutia-laden blog post, you probably already know this), Claremont had introduced Sir James Jaspers during the Trial of Magneto in Uncanny X-Men #200 (December, 1985) - allegedly with designs on using him (and The Fury) as part of the Mutant Massacre.

From Uncanny X-Men #200 (December, 1985)
Chris Claremont (w) / John Romita, Jr. (a)

He is presented as a normal fella here... and, I would have to assume that most American X-Fans of the day didn't have much of a clue that this dude was significant in any way.

The "madness" effects here were very well done.  I loved Jaspers' hat changing from panel to panel... as well as the nightmarish banquet scene which haunted Brian to the point where he literally threw himself out of a hovering helicopter!  It was a great way to show just how Jaspers' madness was permeating into our hero's mind... and a sure sign of just how powerful a whatever-path Mad Jim truly is.

I suppose we ought to talk about the death of Captain Britain here, no?  I'm not sure anybody was buying this for a second... but, there's a certain amount of genius to it which might not be immediately apparent to those of us reading this in collected edition... or, with four-decades of hindsight.  This is actually the final Captain Britain chapter to appear in Marvel Super-Heroes (UK).  Marvel Super-Heroes (UK) #389 (September, 1982) only features a three-page text-piece on Cap by Alan Moore (included below).

Captain Britain would actually vanish for five-months (publishing time), returning as a strip in Marvel UK's new anthology mag, The Daredevils - which, in addition to Cap, would feature: Daredevil (duh), and Spider-Man.  This sort of break in publication isn't something we see often... my mind immediately goes to the couple of months that DC Comics dropped the Super-books from the schedule following Funeral for a Friend.  It's a great tactic to really "sell" that our character might actually be gone.

We wrapped with a shot of a woman... who, I mean - we all know this is Captain UK, right?  It's not like it's being presented as a big secret or anything -- but, this is worth mentioning as it's a seminal bit in the journey to establish the Captain Britain Corps.

Overall - still really enjoying this -- and I hope you are as well!  Please feel free to drop a comment or shoot me an email!

NEXT CHAPTER: Captain Britain's strip returns... five-months later - in a completely different Marvel Mag!  Boy howdy, these British books are hard to navigate!

--

Alan Moore Text Piece from Marvel Super-Heroes (UK) #389:

X-Lapsed Origins - Marvel Super-Heroes (UK) #387 (1982)

Marvel Super-Heroes (UK) #387 (July, 1982)

"A Crooked World"

Writer - Alan Moore

Art - Alan Davis

Letters - Jenny O'Connor

Colors - Helen Nally

Edits - Paul Neary

Cover Price: 63p

Well... it's about to get real, gang.

This is the start of the "meat and potatoes" of this initial X-Lapsed Origins project... "the Alans run".  Today we're going to meet one of the scariest big bads in comics... The Fury.

It's also the start of a very interesting (and not at all overdone at the time) deconstruction of the super-hero.

Remember folks, this is a half-decade before Watchmen... and very early into Alan Moore's amazing run on Marvelman, both of which would explore many similar concepts as we'll be seeing here.  This is gonna be a good time!

Let's give it a goo...

--

We open in England... not our England, of course - the Crooked one.  We see a bank of monitors being... well, monitored by the Status Crew.  They are identified as protectors, which is something we have seen in practice.  Of course, they answer to fascists - but, they are - to their minds - protecting the country.  They've been in power for a decade, and their first order of business was to kill all of the super-heroes.  All's been quiet ever since... until now.  The Major, upon seeing the Crookeding of London, assumes that the cause of this is the recent arrival of Captain Britain (and to perhaps a lesser-extent, Saturnyne)... he declares that they have no choice but to unleash -- The Fury!

We shift scenes over to the good guys... and the Crookeding of London is making the building they're holed up in start to crack.  Brian wonders if this is a side-effect of "The Push" - Saturnyne assures him that it's not.  They all head outside before being crushed... and find themselves faced by - well, The Fury!  This horrendous monster is introduced as a Cybiote whose specialty is... killing super-heroes.  It Blasts the Bejeezus outta Betsy's Beautiful Blonde British Brother Brian!

Brian slumps to the ground... but rallies for a counter-attack.  This is quite unsuccessful... The Fury doesn't even seem to notice that Cap bashed into him with all of his might.  Saturnyne siccs the Avant Guard on the beast... but, c'mon... that ain't gonna do jack.  Seeing that this fight is futile... her Royal Whyness blips out with her crew -- leaving Brian and Jackdaw to fight The Fury on their own!  Worth noting, that while The Fury is scanning Captain Britain here, the narration mentions that the monster was responsible for taking out "the atomic powerhouse called Miracleman" - that's isn't going to be the last mention of that character during this run... we're even going to get to see him (from behind) in a panel!

She also leaves poor Dimples behind!  The Fury makes short work of him.

Then -- Jackdaw!  Brian rushes over and cradles Jack's dying body.  The li'l Elf isn't too worried though... knowing that Merlin'll whisk him away to Otherworld before he dies just like the last time.  Only... he doesn't!

An enraged Brian lunges at the Fury... and is swatted away as though he's nothing!

We wrap up with our hero looking toward the sky... and seeing a teapot-shaped helicopter.  The man inside unrolls a ladder and introduces himself as -- someone who Brian has already met... Mad Jim Jaspers.

--

Well, this was just wonderful -- wasn't it?

This chapter was the first bit of vintage Captain Britain I got to experience back upon the release of that turn of the century "Alans" collection.  I was not expecting much, to be honest -- and really, only bought the thing because, a) I'm an X-Completionist, b) people online were so excited to see this back in print, and c) I heard about the controversy surrounding the indicia snafu, and didn't wanna miss out.

Well - this was all I had to see to know I'd be hooked.  I wanna say I read the entire collection in one sitting... such a captivating, and actually kinda scary story.  The Fury is an amazing antagonist... a horrifying perversion of metal with only a single mission statement: Kill Super-Heroes.  We don't have to worry about rationalizing, justifying, or humanizing The Fury.  It is only here to kill.  And, how bout that design?  Simple but horrendously scary.  I love how its eyes are instantly recognizable.  If you were to see those glowing shapes in the darkness, you'd know exactly what you're about to be dealing with.

I love the presentation here - I mean, how can you beat The Fury?  There's a reason why Chris Claremont originally wanted to use The Fury for the Mutant Massacre -- I mean, really - how do you beat it?  This is gonna be a fun read.

Let's talk "playing the ball where it lay", because this is a problem I have with a lot of current-year comics.  New writers come on and much of what came before their run is immediately jettisoned to make room for their "opus".  Here, Moore is playing with the concepts and table-setting established by the Dave Thorpe run.  Mad Jim Jaspers, the Status Crew, The Push.  Now, this is kind of a chicken and egg situation, I suppose - I'm not sure how much input Moore might've had in setting up what was to be his run... but, if he's simply building off of the foundation Thorpe had put down - this is a heckuva way to do it!

Now, we lose Jackdaw here.  This was one of the few things I remembered about these early Moore chapters -- and why I was kind of confused when Jackdaw was already killed a few chapters back.  I knew he wasn't long for the world -- but, was sure that wasn't his actual death.  As for his death scene here -- it's really well done!  I love that he isn't scared... he's sure Merlin was going to save him -- but then, he didn't!  Really such a powerful little scene there.

Saturnyne establishing herself as less heroic was a nice touch.  We've never been sure exactly what her constitution or alignment was to this point.  We know she had a task to accomplish -- and that she was willing to work alongside Brian in order to get it done, but that's really all we knew.  Now we can see her a bit more clearly -- she's looking out for herself, and only for herself.  She even leaves her poor lovestruck assistant, Dimples behind without a thought!

One last thing before we close out - this chapter includes a mention of Miracleman -- and, if you know me, you know I'm going to talk about that.  I'm a little confused here, as at this point (1982), Miracleman is still known as Marvelman.  I wonder, did these panels read "Marvelman" in the original Marvel Super-Heroes (UK) mags?  Or, was it always "Miracleman"?  One might suggest that this Miracleman isn't the same as the Miracleman we all know -- but, a bit later on during this run, we're going to actually see him.  It's from behind, but there's no mistaking that this Miracleman is Mike Moran.

Overall - this is a goodie, which I implore you all to check out.  This is just the opening salvo for The Alans... and, at the risk of over-selling things, it gets even better from here.

NEXT CHAPTER: Kiss Me Quick

X-Lapsed Origins - Marvel Super-Heroes (UK) #386 (1982)

Marvel Super-Heroes (UK) #386 (June, 1982)

"If the Push Should Fail..."

Writer - Dave Thorpe

Art - Alan Davis

Letters - Jenny O'Connor

Colors - Helen Nally

Edits - Paul Neary

Cover Price: 63p

Welcome to the final chapter of the Dave Thorpe run of Captain Britain!

Now, eagle-eyed readers might notice that we've jumped from Marvel Super-Heroes (UK) #384 to #386... and, as such, might be wondering what in the heck happened to #385.

Well, #385 was billed as "an untold tale of Captain Britain" (written by Paul Neary) which would be chronologically slotted in prior to Brian's arrival in this Crooked London.  It's included in the second issue of X-Men Archives Featuring Captain Britain, and so - completionist I am, I'm going to be including it as something of a "bonus" when we do the compilation post later on this week.

For now though - let's wrap up "The Push"!

--

Picking up right where we left off, Captain Britain is delivering the Crommie lad, Jeff back to his Crommie kin.  They're happy and relieved to see him, however are outraged at the Block 45 Gang for attacking him.  They've bout had enough... and it's time to finally put an end to this turf war.  Brian bugs out to check in with a member of the Avant Guard to see how close they are to getting "The Push" flowin' through the reservoirs.  While there, chatting up the Guard, Cap is shocked to see -- his old pal Jackdaw!  Jack tells Brian that he's got a plan to stop the fighting while The Push is being prepared.

And so, lickety-split, Brian Britain is back in battle... well, stopping a battle, I suppose.  He uses his forcefield to push the warring gangs apart while making a sorta God-like speech, threatening retribution and whatnot.  This... doesn't work so well.

Thankfully, it does manage to buy Jackdaw enough time to enact his plan... which is, well -- so very British.  Ya see, he offers them all tea.  They ain't in the mood to drink, however.  And so, Jack uses his mental powers to convince them to drink... and so, they do.  Here's the rub -- the "tea" they're drinking is actually laced with the Junkheap Juice... so, a few sips in, it's all good in the hood(s).

We wrap up with our good guys celebrating the fact that The Push was a success... This weird London has been 95% successful in its evolution... so, high-fives all around!

But hey... we're certainly not going to leave this on such a high note, are we?  After all... who was that fella from the first chapter?  Ya know... dude with a little mustache, and a teapot shaped helicopter?  Who was that guy?  Anybody remember?  Well, Brian, Jackdaw, and Saturnyne (with a "Y" now) sure don't.  Whatever happened to Mad Jim Jaspers?  Well... seems he was just biding his time... letting the heroes do their thing before deciding to strike -- and boy, does he!  We wrap up this run of Captain Britain stories with this alternate London... going all shades of (literally) CROOKED!

--

Well, that'll do it for the Dave Thorpe run!  Really setting the table for what's going to be, perhaps, the most memorable and iconic work ever done with the character of Captain Britain.

So, whatta we got here?  Well... until the final page, it's hard to see this little "gang war" story as anything other than filler.  I suppose it gave us a bit of insight as to the "micro" and "macro" influence the Junkheap Juice was going to have on the UK.  We know that, in the grand scheme of Saturnyne's task - this UK needs to be a bit more evolved on the whole.  But, with this story, we were able to get a (literal) street level view of the evolutionary process.  So, in that regard... yeah, I suppose this worked.

We get the surprise return of Jackdaw... which, is definitely more set up for the Moore run... as will become evident... err, maybe next chapter?  His plan to serve the warring gangs tea was... kinda cute, I guess.  Not really sure why Brian didn't just grab a gallon of the stuff and just pour it on the street folks like he did with the Status Crew a couple of chapters back.  Seems like that'd be the "go-to" for a situation like this, doesn't it?  Oh well...

I think our main takeaway from this chapter is... obviously, the ending.  Mad Jim Jaspers... a fella we've only seen once before, and who was treated kind of like a joke... turns out to have been laying in wait for just the right moment to let loose with his "crookeding" of London.  For folks only familiar with our current-year "Ecks of Tens" era X-Books... this is why Jasper's area in Otherworld is referred to as "The Crooked Market".

I do have to wonder how this played out for readers of the day.  My first experience with this era of Captain Britain actually starts with the next chapter... where Mad Jim is already sorta-kinda established as our "big bad".  So, for me, this reveal wasn't all that shocking.  Well, it actually wasn't shocking at all.

Overall -- as much as I enjoyed these last nine or so chapters, I'm happy that we're through "The Push", and that the two-part Turf War story is in the rear-view.  I'm all ready to kick off "The Alans" run... and I hope you'll all be there with me!

NEXT CHAPTER: Alan Moore

X-Lapsed Origins - Marvel Super-Heroes (UK) #384 (1982)

Marvel Super-Heroes (UK) #384 (April, 1982)

"Friends & Enemies"

Writer - Dave Thorpe

Art - Alan Davis

Letters - Jenny O'Connor

Colors - Helen Nally

Edits - Paul Neary

Cover Price: 63p

Welcome to our second-wave of seminal Captain Britain stories!  We kick off the contents of X-Men Archives Featuring Captain Britain #2 (August, 1995) today... which, is sadly the last issue of this seven-issue miniseries that I own.

The good news is, I have many of the subsequent stories in the turn of the century Captain Britain trade paperback that Marvel put out, which is probably most remembered for Joe Quesada goofing up the indicia to leave some copywrite clarification out of the final product (which was apparently quite the deal-breaker for Alan Moore when it came to him even entertaining working with Marvel again in the future).

We'll talk about that more later though... for today, we've got the penultimate Dave Thorpe chapter!

Let's goooo!

--

We open with a "Crommie" walking down a darkened London street... we'll learn that "Crommie" is code for someone who lives on Cromdale Road... and that each neighborhood in this Crooked London is occupied by turf-protecting gangs.  So, this Crommie... Jeff, is wandering through "enemy territory".  He's doing so in order to check in on a girlfriend of his, who he misses dearly.  He is attacked.  Nearby, Captain Britain and some members of the Avant Guard prepare to taint the water supply with the Junkheap Juice in order to jumpstart "The Push".

Brian still seems kind of uneasy about going through with this... but appears to talk himself into it, by revisiting his own recent experience with the stuff.  If you recall, he was devolved into a monkey not too long ago... and only after dipping into the juice was he returned to his more Beautiful British Blonde form -- even stronger than he was before!  He also reflects on the fascist-led Status Crew members he'd had a run-in with... who, seems to evolve mentally after engaging with the juice.  His thoughts are interrupted by the nearby gang-beating of the poor Crommie lad.

Captain Britain swoops in, and gathers both Jeff and his local girlfriend, Sharon.  The hooligans hurl insults in his direction, but all Brian wants to do is get these kids to safety.  I mean, these baddies seem more annoyed than astonished to see a man who can fly!

Brian drops Sharon off at home before taking Jeff back to Cromdale Road.  There, he finds that the Crommies have taken up arms... and are looking to enter into some gang warfare with the hooligans.

--

Well... this was a pretty weak one, wunnit?

I kinda get what they're going for here... showing these Crooked Londoners as clannish, territorial, and warlike, and maybe justifying the use of the Junkheap Juice to enforce an evolutionary "push" onto them... but, this just kinda fell flat.

I mean, even if we take it as a Romeo and Juliet riff, where we have a couple in love, from two different (and opposing) groups... this still doesn't quite work.  Mostly due to the fact that Sharon doesn't seem all that interested in Jeff.  She doesn't want to see him hurt, but there's nothing here that says they're anything more than passing acquaintances.  Well, maybe Jeff's a bit smitten - but, Sharon seemed more put out than anything.

I gotta wonder if Dave Thorpe realized his time in the writer's chair was coming to an end here, is it feels like we're still in world-building mode.  Almost half of this story is devoted to recap, and setting the stage for what's about to come.  I dunno... just not a great outing.

Art was still top-notch... so, at least there's that.  Hopefully things will pick back up next chapter... which, again - is Dave Thorpe's swan song before these pages start getting even more crammed with words!

NEXT CHAPTER: If the Push Should Fail...

X-Lapsed Origins - Marvel Super-Heroes (UK) #383 (1982)

Marvel Super-Heroes (UK) #383 (March, 1982)

"Faces of Britain!"

Writer - Dave Thorpe

Art - Alan Davis

Letters - Jenny O'Connor

Colors - Helen Nally

Edits - Paul Neary

Cover Price: 63p

Alright gang - today we wrap up the first issue of X-Men Archives featuring Captain Britain (July, 1995), where I've been pulling all of these classic chapters for x-amination and discussion.  Next time out, we'll start the second issue... which, I wanna say three chapters in will begin the much-loved (and must-read) "Alans" run.

Really looking forward to getting into that... and, honestly - I assumed these lead-up chapters by Dave Thorpe were going to be kind of a slog that we'd just have to "deal with" in order to get to the "good stuff"... but, I've been having a wonderful time with them!  I hope you have as well...

--

We open with the Captain still rattled from that shot he took last issue... ya see, the Status Crew hit him where it hurt.  If you recall, they first ran that weird scan on him, which revealed that he is "fueled" by the power of concentration - and so, the blast was calibrated to shake that concentration, rendering him powerless.  In light of this, Saturnine decides to take matters into her own hands... and, well - makes laughably short work out of the oncoming Crewsters... which almost makes you wonder why she didn't just do that in the first place.  I guess maybe she just wanted Beautiful Brian to rescue her?  Then again, she hasn't seen him without his helmet yet... so, she might not know just how beautiful Betsy's Blonde British Brother is!

Cap is back on his feet... but doesn't get long to rest -- the Crewsters keep a'comin'!  Opal Luna rushes off to access a nearby storage closet with her faithful companion, Dimples.  Inside it, is a whole distillery of the "Junkheap Juice"... or, the evolutionary sauce... or whatever we're going to decide to call it.  She claims that there's enough here to give "The (evolutionary) Push" to the entire city of Crooked London!

Captain Britain thinks on his feet, and asks her Royal Whyness to toss him a barrel of the stuff.  He decides to slosh it all over the incoming Crewsters... which instantly evolves them into rational thinking folks.  They ask what they're doing here... and, upon reflecting on their misdeeds, apologize for their actions.  They also wonder how they could ever try and harm someone as beautiful as Opal Luna Saturnine... which, I'm sure is music to her petite ears.

We jump to later, and join an out-of-costume Brian Braddock walking the streets of this Other London.  He has quite a head of hair, this Braddock.  He is approached by a little urchin who asks is he's got any money to spare... but alas, he does not.

Instead, he asks her if she believes in magic... and, asamattafact, she does!  So, kids... here's a tip from your ol' pal Chris - if a strange man you meet in the street at night asks if you believe in magic - the correct answer is "No".  If there's anything we've learned from the X-Books... it's how to Be X-Tra Safe.  Anyhoo, we wrap up with Brian picking the tot up, and flying with her through the skies of this wacked out London.  The story closes with the revelation that this is being observed by Merlin and... Jackdaw???

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It's crazy... if I were to have picked this issue up off the racks back in ye old 1995, I would've taken one look at it and really regretted my purchase.  I was most definitely not in the right frame of mind to x-plore a bunch of ancient (and, to me, irrelevant) Captain Britain stories.  I probably would've complained about the bait and switch with the series being called X-Men Archives... and, I mean, I'd have been right to do so!  This is very much not an X-Men book.  If you weren't reading Excalibur (which I wasn't... because it cost 50-cents more than the "main" X-Books, this would have meant even less than nothing to you as an X-Fan!

Here, in current-year (and the first time I read it around the turn of the century), however - this is some really fun stuff... and it's cool seeing so much of the foundation for what's to come being laid out.  I gotta wonder if Dave Thorpe and Alan Davis realized just how much they were contributing to the lore of this character... and ultimately the entire World of X?

I remember referencing these stories in passing... these pre-Moore Captain Britains... and I'd always compare them to the Paul Kupperberg Doom Patrol - something you just "had to get through" in order to get to the "good stuff"... with the Doomies, that'd be the Grant Morrison run.  Kind of a comics "Premack principle" or something.  But this, kinda like the Kupperberg run, has a lot going for it, and a lot of charm... makes me feel like I unjustly slighted both.

There's some really neat stuff here... and if you're experiencing it for the first time via these rambly missives from your pal, Chris - I hope you've been enjoying - and maybe you've been inspired to check them out to x-perience on your own.  If these little ditties haven't been your flavor of x-book, I'd ask you to indulge me for just a few more installments - the Alan Moore stuff IS coming, and it just might change the way you look at (and appreciate) Captain Britain... and, dare I say, many of our Otherworld(ly) trappings!

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X-Men Archives featuring Captain Britain #1