X-Men Vignettes, Chapter Forty-Five (1992)

 

X-Men Vignettes #45 (1992)
"The Mission"
Writer - Ann Nocenti
Pencils - Dave Ross
Inks - Josef Rubenstein
Letters - Joe Rosen
Colors - Bob Sharen
Edits - Milgrom, DeFalco
From: Marvel Fanfare #60 (December, 1991-January, 1992)

Welcome back to... X-Men Vignettes?! That's right -- today we're in "lost episode" territory, taking a look at the story that was set to appear in Classic X-Men #45 (March, 1990)... but instead, sat in a drawer for a couple of years... until Marvel realized the final issue of Marvel Fanfare (January, 1992) came up a dozen or so pages short!

Huge thanks to Chris U. for letting me know this story exists... and for sending me on a merry hunt! I'm always looking for excuses to hit da bins...

Without any further ado... let's have a goo...

--

Our story opens with a playfully peculiar Rogue sneaking up on Mystique to give her a skin-to-skin bop on the nose. This, as you might imagine, freaks out and annoys Raven... but, Rogue assures her that she only touched her long enough to steal a single thought. Not sure which one, but I suppose that doesn't really matter. All this is to establish is that Rogue's acting a bit reckless with her powers. Right off the bat, I'm really not digging this art. I know Marvel Fanfare (especially at the very end of its run), felt very much like the repository of inventory stories... which, ya know, this is one (remember, this was supposed to appear in Classic X-Men #45 some two years earlier) - but, add to that the rushed-looking art and it makes it feel even more like an afterthought. Rogue's facials in particular are rather unpleasant. The last panel on the second page looks like it's out of an old women's prison exploitation movie.

Anyway, Rogue tells Mystique that she's gotta "get her kicks" somewhere... and, by "kicks" she's talking skin-to-skin contact. Mystique isn't cool with this at all, and reminds her that they've got a big mission this evening. And so, we jump right into it. That night, Mystique and Pyro are waiting around for Rogue to show up... complaining about having to deal with an adolescent. When she finally arrives, Rogue is dressed... um, I think it's supposed to be "sexy", but it comes across in the art as more... skankily awkward? Anyway, she tells Pyro that he's lookin' hot, before Mystique starts giving the lay of the land.

The mission is... to spring some dude named Jason out of the McCarthy Medical Treatment Center and have him join up with the Brotherhood. To do so, Mystique is going to assume the form of one of the staff doctors... while Rogue's going to pretend to be a relative of Jason's who's really wanting a visit. The pair manage to make it past the first security checkpoint... which is to say, the first old man sitting at a desk -- however, aren't so lucky with the second. He, despite knowing "Dr. Forbes", still demands to see his identification card. And so, Rogue kisses and kayos him. Worth noting, Rogue seems really turned on at the sight of her "mother" shapeshifted into a fella.

After kissing the old man, our woozy Rogue shares the thought/memory she'd stolen from him with Mystique... and it's that he stole his mother's wedding ring and pawned it. From here, it's checkpoint number three... which is, well, another old man at a desk -- only, this one's got a gun! Rogue sweet talks him a bit before kissing him too. Mystique's beginning to worry that, should she keep this up, young Rogue's gonna lose her mind! And, indeed -- it looks like she's about to!

Finally, at this point, there's nothing standing between the Brotherhood and Jason Nolastname -- and so, Rogue lets herself into his solitary confinement gimmick. Only, she locks Mystique out -- ya see, she's still not done having fun. Remember, she's gotta "get her kicks" anywhere she can. Now, this Jason is... some dude... who, I'm pretty sure we never see again. He's sitting silently on a very modern-looking couch. Rogue approaches, calling him handsome (he's not), and asking if he likes her (he doesn't seem to).

She tells him that she's a freak, just like him... and goes to start giving him a shoulder massage, if the art's any indication. Still locked out, Mystique radios over to Pyro to command him to start melting his way through the wall... and so, he gets to sprayin'.

By now, Rogue's already removed her elbow-length gloves so she might... get her kicks. Jason, however, has a different idea -- sorta. He grabs her by her (bare) wrist, tells her he's not to be played with... and, tosses her across the room like a sack of laundry! Now, since there was skin-to-skin contact here... maybe Rogue sucked up a memory or thought? She's sat on the floor -- and knows that, for Jason, touch, is pain... I think?

At this point, Jasons demeanor changes... he softens. Telling Rogue that she wants to live... but, it's possible to live "too much". So much so that you become sealed off. Is this making sense to anybody else? He tells her she's lucky she can't touch... and they exit the cell together. I tell ya, it'd be a sweet scene... if it made any sense. Or, maybe I'm just an idiot.

This takes us to the wrap up... Pyro finally melts his way in, giving the Brotherhood (and guest) a clear path to escape... and so, they do. We close out with Rogue asking Mystique for help... and, we out.

--

It's kinda like riding a bike, covering these Vignettes -- it's almost like I already knew what to x-pect before even beginning. This was... an inventory story. It wasn't one begging to be told, it doesn't really change anything -- it's just a character-focused little ditty from the long ago... and another reminder that, despite her first appearance depicting her to be a woman in her mid-to-late 40's, Rogue was actually a precocious young teen when she got her start. I feel like this story really worked hard to (over)correct on that.

That said, however... was it any good? Ehh... being a man who still suffers flashbacks to X-Men Unlimited (the real X-Men Unlimited), I may not be the right fella to ask. I feel like I can smell an afterthought inventory story from a mile away... which, reasonable or not, does affect my enjoyment level. It's like, if the people getting paid to put this stuff out don't care -- why in the world should I? That's kinda how I'm walking away from this story. Add to that, the rushed and loose artwork... it's just a recipe for disinterest.

The only way this story can pay off (to me), is... and, this is going to sound odd... but, if there were more chapters of it coming down the pike. Who is Jason? Why is he so important? What's Rogue's "lesson" here? I feel like, had Nocenti been given more pages/installments... we may have gotten some of those answers. As it stands now, this feels unfinished. And, since it never will be (at least to my knowledge), we're left here scratching our heads wondering what the point was.

In the comments, the last bit of Vignettes were compared to something Marvel was doing over in Solo Avengers, where the backup stories included there, rather than being one-offs... became multi-part stories. I feel like there's a lot to this theory... and, had Marvel decided to keep the backup feature going, we would've probably gotten another 1-4 chapters of this Rogue/Mystique story spread out over then next handful of issues. It's really the only way a story like this makes sense (at least to me).

Overall -- it's kind of a worst of all worlds situation. As a two-part story, it's both too long... and too short. If Marvel were never planning on following up on this (and, as this is the final issue of Marvel Fanfare, it doesn't seem like they were)... it may've been just as well not to publish it at all.

Look & Find X-Men (1992)

Look & Find X-Men (1992)
Script - Dwight Zimmerman
Illustrator - James Janes
Inks - Dave Simons
Colors - Janice Porter & Michele Marrero-DeCicco
Edits - HA!
Cover Price: ???
Publications International, Ltd.

So, what in Moira's name is all this then?

Welp, I was walking around the ol' used records store this weekend, while my wife was checking out their selection of Funko Pops -- when I wandered over to the comics area. I'm always up for a dip into the junk bins... if you've been following along with me for all these years, that's certainly no surprise. So anyway, I was digging around for some cheap issues of Classic X-Men/X-Men Classic (I did find issue #77, which I'd been missing), I saw this weird... tall, skinny book amid the trade paperbacks. All I could see from my angle was that it said "X-Men" in the middle of the spine.

Assuming that it was some sort of international compilation -- or anthology sorta gimmick (it instantly reminded me of the few Dandy Annuals I've found), I nyoinked it off the shelf for a better look. And, well... the fake-ass comics historian and X-ephemerologist in me is really glad that I did!

It wasn't a trade... it wasn't a UK Annual... instead, it was a -- Where's Waldo?-alike? And, just LOOK at that cover -- such an odd mixture of art styles and character reference to behold. It's part X-Men: The Animated Series, it's part X-Men: The Actual Comic... we've got Jim Lee art in the forefront... we've got characters that fans of the cartoon may've never seen before... it's just wild!

It almost begs to be read... and, in fact... believe it or not, there IS a story inside!

So, howsabout I take whatever splintered shreds of X-Men Analyst "legitimacy" I might still have left and we take a look at it together, eh?

--

Our story opens... in the Danger Room, where Magneto has broken in with his Alphabet Pet... err, MindMaster Device to gum up the works. Hmm, maybe we might look at this as an unofficial sequel to the Uncanny X-Men Super Activity Book from 1983... you all know how much I adore my lore and continuity! Anyway, MindMaster Device engaged... and our Mutant Heroes very nearly mentally enslaved, Gateway appears! Yeah, Gateway! All the kids picking this up on RIF Day know who Gateway is... right?

Now, Gateway's great and all... but, the X-Men aren't going to be able to survive this without OUR help as well... can YOU find the parts of Magneto's MindMaster Device? Serious question though... should the device be able to work when it's in pieces? Well, if nothing else, we now all know HOW to build a MindMaster Device!

• Gyroscope: $9.99 at Hobby Lobby
• Radar Dishes vary in price, but are readily available all over the internet
• Tripod: $29.99 at Best Buy
• Control Panel... well, we might have to x-periment with these to find the right one... but, there's a bunch of 'em waitin' for ya
• Main Housing Unit... well, it just looks like a remote control and Zack Morris' phone had a baby... should be able to find something THAT high tech at any Goodwill
• As for the Radar Screen - those usually come WITH the Radar Dishes... so, two birds, one stone

So, now that even WE could break into the X-Mansion and very nearly take out the entire team, let's move on... well, a whole bunch of disparate locations! Now ya see, Professor X wasn't quite sure he could trust Gateway... and, well, that kinda stands to reason -- ya see, this weird activity book might actually be the first time their paths have crossed! When the X-Men met the Aboriginal Teleporter, they were playing dead in the Outback, and Xavier was off trying to make boring bird-babies in space!

And here's where WE come back into the story. The Prof needs to get in contact with his charges... and, since it's not like he's some sort of telepath or anything, so he's going to have to rely on some good old-fashioned means of communication... including a fax machine? I mean, where would he be sending that fax? Oh well, let's help a brother out. Also, let's take in some of the cameos here... Ka-Zar? Gladiator? Santa Claus?! Dang.

Okay, moving on. Our first stop to search for the "Time Keys" is... the Savage Land. Which, ya know, isn't actually the X-Men traveling through time, despite what Wolverine says here. Oh well. We'll just play along and admire the wacky artwork. I mean, it's charmingly insane, is it not? Also, it looks as though Logan's about to slaughter an entire tribe of "swamp men", which is likely why this book didn't come with the Comics Code Authority seal of approval.

I'm not sure if the "No Mutants Sign" that's been posted in the Savage Land was part of Magneto's plan... since, ya know, he's kinda big on Mutant Supremacy and stuff. I'm also not sure how Genoshan soldiers, armor, and weaponry wound up here. Also (again), who the hell is "Pipeline"... and why are we looking for him? Only Pipeline I can find on the (always accurate and complete) Marvel Wiki is a group of folks who appeared in the 1992 Nomad series. I... don't... think this is the same one. Maybe he's some sort of Genoshan Soldier I'm supposed to recognize... but, heaven help me - it's been a long while since I read any X-Tinction Agenda era X-Books.

Let's assume that our heroes found what they were looking for in the Savage Land, because it's time to move along to... Genosha. Couldja imagine x-plaining the concept of Genosha to some tot who grabbed this book to play a bit of "Where's Wolvie?" I mean, it's pretty heavy, innit?

So, anyway... we're in Genosha... and, ya know somethin'... maybe we ARE actually time-traveling, because there is a Magneto Flag atop one of the buildings. Magneto would take over Genosha as a result of The Magneto War in... what was it... 1998? 1999? Maybe Look & Find X-Men was the catalyst to bring that about? I'm about 95% sure that it was. Anyway, our big-bad here is our good friend, Fabian Cortez... who isn't so much "hidden" on the page, as he is just angrily posing atop a building.

If we stop to admire some cameos here... we've got Alice and the White Rabbit, Dorothy and Toto, and a Leprechaun. Also, this marks the second page in a row where Gambit is just playing cards with some locals. Wonder if we'll be seeing more of that?

Moving on to Asteroid M, which... not gonna lie, seems like a pretty neat place to hang-out! Just look at all the amenities! I also love how we're getting the old "Baxter Building in a Fantastic Four Annual" cross-section here!

Now, if we were to stop admiring the batspit insanity of this page for a moment (we will get back to it), I feel like I gotta do some "achshully-ing". Ya see, we're at Asteroid M, yes? Home of Magneto and the Acolytes, yes? Magneto, as mentioned, is a champion of Mutant Supremacy. We're all on the same page, right? So... why in all frigs does he have a Sentinel Plant on board his base?! I mean, for real... he's got a Master Sentinel Mold here!

I think I might be able to No-Prize this... but, it's going to take some doing... and, to be honest, some legal wrangling. If you were to peruse this page, you'd see that Rogue is fighting alongside Uncle Sam... so, we might posit that this scene is actually playing out on DC's Earth-X... that, ya know, problematic Earth - that half of social media thinks we're actually living in in real life. So, let's say we're on Earth-X, where World War II ended differently... and, how that might've affected Magneto. I... okay, I can't even pretend to make that work anymore. We'll just... hell, I dunno what "we'll just" do.

Let's just change the subject... and look at the Three Little Pigs who just happened across that fridge full'a pork! Let's not think about the fact that Magneto has a fridge dedicated to pork and pork products... nor the fact that he has a Witch guarding it. Let's... okay... let's just move on.

To more Sentinels?! Ya kidding me? Okay then.

Before I write something horribly unfunny about this spread, I do wanna point out that... Gambit's playing cards here! Not only that, but he's playing WITH a Sentinel, a Caveman, and Santa Claus. Ya ever think of that question "If you could have dinner with three people from anywhere and anytime, who would they be?" Well I now have my answer: I'd share a meal with a Sentinel, a Caveman, and Santa Claus.

Okay, on to the unfunny analysis! Here we've got... quite the crowded mishigas. We've got a Sentinel wedding scene... which, we don't get a look at the bride, so I can't assume this is some sort of unholy union of flesh and machine... nor could I posit what might result of it. Speaking of unholy unions, we've got Storm and Dracula in very close proximity. Wolverine's here too... and we current-yearers know that he's not a fan of Vampires. We've got Uncle Sam... hurling a soccer ball at a Sentinel, which... c'mon... Uncle Sam ain't ever gonna touch a soccer ball, right?

Okay, next stop... Shi'ar Space... which might be the only X-Men locale more boring than the Savage Land. Speaking of boring... howsabout we throw a gaggle of Brood into the mix?

If we look toward the bottom of the left-hand page, and like really squint -- we might think that we're seeing the first appearance of Broo! Lookithim in that cute li'l "Newsy" hat! If that IS Broo... I might have to see about getting this sucker slabbed. Before we move on, because I can't think of even unfunny things to say about this page -- I didn't know that the Brood could drive little rockets. I mean, I never knew they couldn't either.

Anyway, our last stop before heading home is... the Mall! Like fer sher! We're apparently in the future... which, I mean... I dunno if any of y'all have been to a mall of late, but they're not exactly the most "hoppin'" of places. Must be the Earth-X effect? Anyway, Jubilee is our POV character here... which makes sense. Sadly, they're so far in the future that all of her credit cards are expired. Gotta ask... who gave her a credit card in the first place?

Lookit Wolverine standin' there lookin' like a Mutant McConnehy... MacGonahee... (hold on a sec)... lookin' like a Mutant *McConaughey*. Also, you'll NEVER in a MILLION YEARS guess what Gambit's doing. Anyway, we're supposed to look for a Danger Room Robot here... which, take that Joss Whedon - you didn't create nothin'! You just ripped off the Look & Find X-Men book when you brought in Danger.

Okay, I've been at this for like two hours at this point... so, let's just take it home. Literally and figuratively -- we're back at the Mansion, looking for... hypodermic needles? Furreal? Okay.

And, well -- fans of the Uncanny X-Men Super Activity Book (1983) will be familiar with this sensation... because, this... like that... doesn't have an ending! Rather, it just stops. Maybe there'll be yet another ridiculous Activity book that I'll happen across where we might continue the "lore" of this tale?

It might be worth noting that this final page is rather star-studded! In addition to all of our weird and oddball cameos, this page introduces the Juggernaut and Apocalypse to the mix! I'm guessing all the reference our artist had for this book was the back of the package for an X-Men Action Figure. We've also got a Master Sentinel Mold right... uh, across the water from the Xavier School... as well as the Statue of Liberty? Oh well, I mean - we're in New York... and we all know that, when you're anywhere in New York, all's ya gotta do is turn yer head to see Lady Liberty.

Oh well, that's where we leave it!

--

(Not the) Letters Page:

Sequential Ads - Wyler's Presents... (1992)

Sequential Ads

Wyler's Presents... (1992)
"What's Holding Up the Game?"
Yanked from - Green Lantern: Mosaic #1 (June, 1992)

So, this might be the laziest Sequential Ads yet... and, that's saying something!

Whattaya get when your folks are too cheap to buy Kool-Aid? Well, probably Flavor Aid, right? Which, I don't wanna immediately head off on a tangent, but... anyone out there who makes a "Drink the Kool-Aid" reference, needs to actually do some Googling.

Anyway... let's say your folks are also too cheap for Flavor Aid. What then? Well, then you've probably got a cupboard full'a nearly expired packets of Wyler's! I remember having a mélange of unsweetened drink-mixes in our pantry... and, I'm sure there was a fair share of Wyler's's's's among 'em. It's funny... folks of my vintage probably remember making pitchers of this stuff.

I probably don't have to remind you, but... ya'll remember how much sugar we used to put into these? Like, it was to the point where it was tough to stir! And... that was by following the directions! An entire cup of sugar to eight-cups of water. Nowadays, the directions have changed a bit -- Kool-Aid recommends Splenda... which, might offer an even worse aftertaste than the wooden spoon you use to stir the stuff together. Y'all remember tasting the wooden spoon? No? Was that just me? Anyway... Wyler's, on the other hand (which, sorta surprisingly, still exists) recommends sweetening "to taste". No actual measurement... they want NONE of the responsibility for your pending diabetes.

Anyway... let's take a look at today's offering, which, as mentioned -- is a bit on the lazy side, both as an advert and as a Sequential Ads piece!

We open during... uh, the Rapture? Everyone in the crowd of, what I assume to be a high school baseball game, has been whisked asleep... except for the young fella who stole Simon William's 1980's jacket.

He then... breaks the fourth wall (take that, Deadpool!) to address us directly. Ya see, there are ten things holding up the game and putting the crowd to sleep. I'd say it might be fun to go through the baseball boners... but, the answer key is on the bottom of the page. If you're playing along at home, we're doing this on the honor system.

Anyway, in the very next panel, everything has magically been fixed... and our hero is holding what appears to be a glass full of purple gas. It's actually a poorly rendered serving of Wyler's... grape (I assume), and with that - our boy reminds us that Wyler's winning taste can get any game started.

I don't recall Wyler's ever coming into the equation... I thought WE fixed this scenario by pointing out the ten things wrong with the above panel? I didn't drink any purple stuff in the process... did any of you?

Anyway, from here -- we wrap up with the plug panel. Wyler's tag-line has to do with "turning on the world", which... I didn't realize this stuff had any aphrodisiac qualities... but, stranger things have happened.

That reminds me of an odd anecdote from my high school years. I went to high school in the mid-late 1990s, and every day after school my friend and I would make our rounds in the hoppin' town of Sayville, NY. It was the next town over, but, for a time, it was where the nearest comic shop was. So, we'd walk the train tracks from Locust Ave to Railroad Ave in Sayville - hit the shop, then head home toward Oakdale via Montauk Hwy.

Along the way, depending on our cravings, we'd stop at one of two places -- the "Super-Deli" as we called it (because it was a deli with tables and chairs, ya see?), for Fritos and Dr. Pepper... or, the 7-11 for Combos and an Arizona Iced Tea (w/Ginseng).

I'd say I'm not sure why we'd buy these specific Arizona Iced Teas... but, I totally do. They had these really cool-looking blue bottles. I mentioned that this was the mid-late 90s... when so many things were becoming "blue".

So, we bought these things -- they were delicious, and just looked friggin' cool. I mean, tell me they don't! Ya can't.

Now, all was well and good... until we were approached by a group of, I guess nowadays we'd call 'em "bullies", but back then, going by today's definitions, I feel like most people were bullies... it was a different time. Anyway, we were approached... and were told that only [derogatory term] drank this stuff, because it was an aphrodisiac. Naturally, since it was just me and my buddy -- allusions were made, and we ultimately just stopped buying the stuff.

Like I said, it was a different time. I suppose it's a good thing the bullies didn't know about Wyler's having those same qualities, right?

Anyway... that's all I got for today. As of this morning, I'm officially back in the "studio" working on the upcoming X-Lapsed 300 -- which, knock on wood, will premiere on January 31!

Chris and Reggie's TOTAL PACKAGE - Image Comics "Big Four" Launch Books (1992)

Chris and Reggie's TOTAL PACKAGE

Image Comics "Big Four" Launch Books (1992)
(00:00:00) Youngblood #1 - Cosmic Treadmill, Episode 022
(01:26:45) WildC.A.T.S: Covert Action Teams #1 - Cosmic Treadmill, Episode 028
(02:35:22) Savage Dragon #1 - Cosmic Treadmill, Episode 046
(03:43:37) Spawn #1 - Cosmic Treadmill, Episode 068
(04:59:54) BONUS - Chris and Reggie's "Real Comics History": 1992
Writers - Rob Liefeld, Hank Kanalz, Jim Lee, Brian Choi, Erik Larsen, & Todd McFarlane
Art - Rob Liefeld, Jim Lee, Erik Larsen, Todd McFarlane, & Scott Williams
Colors - Brian Murray, Joe Rosas, Gregory Wright, Steve Oliff, Reuben Rude, & Digital Chameleon
Letters - Diane Valentino, Mike Heisler, Chris Eliopoulos, & Tom Orzechowski
Edits - Chris Ulm, Ruth Grice, Wanda Kolomjec

Compiling four classic episodes of Chris and Reggie's Cosmic Treadmill, wherein we discussed and gave the full "Treadmill-Treatment" to the first issues from the "Big Four" Image Comics launch titles from 1992 - Rob Liefeld's Youngblood, Jim Lee's WildC.A.T.S: Covert Action Teams, Erik Larsen's Savage Dragon, and Todd McFarlane's Spawn!

As a special "Bonus", I'm also including our "Real Comics History" Episode, during which we talked about the comics fandom (our own as well as widespread) during the year Image Comics started hitting the shelves: 1992!

This was originally intended to be an ongoing Cosmic Treadmill project... with "Wave Two... and beyond" to include titles like Cyberforce, Wetworks, Shadowhawk, Pitt, The Maxx... and more!  Whether this is your first time listening to these... or, just a blast-from-the-past - I hope you all enjoy!

--

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Twitter: @acecomics / Instagram: @90sxmen

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The All-New, All-Different chrisisoninfiniteearths.com

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Merry X-Lapsed - Thor #444 (1992)

Merry X-Lapsed!

Thor #444 (February, 1992)
"How the Groonk Stole Christmas!"
Plot/Words - Tom DeFalco
Plot/Pencils - Ron Frenz
Finishes - Al Milgrom
Letters - Michael Heisler
Colors - Mike Rockwitz
Edits - Macchio
Cover Price: $1.25

The Mutant Who Stole Christmas!

Merry X-Lapsed takes a step... err, giant-size leap off the beaten path today, to check in with a one-off Mutant knock-off of The Grinch, who crossed paths with the Eric Masterson Thor this one Christmas Eve!

What will we have to say about one of Thor's Lamest (in Marvel's own words) Enemies of all time?  Well, you'll have to tune in to find out... and I don't think you'll be sorry if you do!  This is a fun one!

--

https://www.patreon.com/xlapsed

X-Lapsed Voicemail: 623-396-5375 (or, 623-396-JERK)

Twitter: @acecomics / Instagram: @90sxmen

weirdcomicshistory@gmail.com

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The All-New, All-Different chrisisoninfiniteearths.com

facebook.com/groups/90sxmen

ReMarvel, Episode 2: X-Men (vol.2) #8 (1992)

To go along with yesterday's piece regarding Uncanny X-Men #287 and the X-Traitor, I figured today I should probably share the "sister piece" to that episode.

ReMarvel was (and I suppose technically still is) a solo show I did/do, whose purpose was to help me to reengage with Marvel Comics.  It'd been a long time since I bothered reading any Marvel... new or old.  Ya see, I've got this weird thing where, if I hate what a company is doing in "current year", it kind of sours me on everything from them.  I hated current-year Marvel, and so... I could no longer enjoy the very books that made me a rabid fan in the first place.

I only put out a handful of these episodes, though there are several "in progress" at various points of done-ness.  Just don't know if it's necessarily worth my time and effort to get 'em done.  I'm trying to work on my "self-awareness", and beginning to realize that very few people actually care to listen to my stories and anecdotes.


Download | Archives

Speaking of stories and anecdotes, this episode (like most of my solo-output) is full of them!  X-Men (vol.2) #8 has the distinction of being my very first "white whale"... a book, despite not being a "key" issue, that I just couldn't track down.  It took me a couple of years, and I talk all about it during the episode's overlong pre-ramble.

If anyone wants to share their thoughts and/or earliest memories of "comic book white whales", I'd love to hear 'em!

Chris and Reggie's Cosmic Treadmill, Episode 144: Uncanny X-Men #287 (1992)

Chris and Reggie's Cosmic Treadmill, Episode #144

Uncanny X-Men #287 (April, 1992)
"Bishop to King's Five!"
Story - Jim Lee & Scott Lobdell
Pencils - John Romita, Jr.
Inks - Chris Ivy, Bill Sienkiewicz, Bob Wiacek, Scott Williams, & Dan Panosian
Colors - Gina Going & Joe Rosas
Letters - Tom Orzechowski
Edits - Bob Harras
Chief - Tom DeFalco
Cover Price: $1.25
Marvel Comics

Today we're going to revisit a(nother) very special episode of Chris and Reggie's Cosmic Treadmill.  This was the second installment of, what I'd planned to be, our "X-Men Mysteries" box-set.  Here we give Uncanny X-Men #287 from 1992 the full "Treadmill treatment"... as well as go down the rabbit hole for the X-Mystery that was born in this very issue: Who is... the X-Traitor?!

Nolan Ryan (1992)

Nolan Ryan (1992)
"The Winning Pitch!"
By: Your Guess is as Good as Mine!

Welcome to the third (and final) installment of Tony's Sports Series!  As far as I can tell, there were only ever three made... though, I most definitely could be mistaken.  If you know that there are any more of these, please let me know!

Also, if you have any insight as to the creative team for this issue, definitely, please do send it my way!

Gonna do something I haven't done in ages here at the site, once this piece is wrapped up and live, I'm going to throw our three special sports books onto our Collected Editions Page!  I haven't added anything to that in well over a year at this point!  How exciting, right?  Right?  Oh well.

Before getting into it, a look into the future: If all goes according to plan today... tomorrow ought to feature a very special piece that I have been chipping away at for a few weeks now.  It involves a "Near-DC-Near-Miss"... so, something that DC Comics almost missed out on... it's going to be a fun one, and I can't wait to share it with you!

Til then, however... let's PLAY BALL!

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Our story opens at the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown.  Tony the Tiger is there with an unassuming gent, who we will come to find out is Major League Legend... and our titular character, Nolan Ryan.  They see a disheartened young fella lamenting the fact that he'll never be as good as Babe Ruth... which, ya know, puts him in pretty good company, considering most of the people on the planet will never be as good as the Babe.  Tony overhears this sad little monologue, and assumes that the kid is talking about baseball.  Uh, ya think?  He's kind of walking around the Baseball Hall of Fame... I'm no expert, but it stands to reason that he might just be interested in baseball.  The bipedal beast prompts Nolan to chat up the kid to see what might be bothering him.  Man, reading this in 2020 makes a scene like this all kinds of shady.

The young fella, Paul, informs Nolan that he doesn't think he'll ever make it in the big leagues because, well, he sucks at hitting.  To solve this, Nolan takes Paul around the H.o.F., and points out some Legends of the game who also couldn't hit all that well, but made up for it in other ways.

Paul humors Nolan as he continues his lecture before finally breaking away.  Ya see, there's a little game about to start at one of the practice fields... and, even though the big kids will never let him play, at the very least... he can watch.  Nolan reports his failure to Tony... but the Tigerkingman is confident they haven't "struck out" just yet.

Tony and Nolan walk through the rural farm-laden roads of Cooperstown, while trying to figure out how they might get through to poor Paul.  I mean, they're spending a little too much time on this child... it's almost like an obsession at this point.  No means No, Nolan.  Anyhoo, Tony gives us the quick-and-dirty of Ryan's accolades and accomplishments... for good measure?

The pair finally find Paul.  He's tossing a rock at a soda can he'd balanced atop a wooden fence.  What a liar!  I thought he was going to watch a game at the practice field?  I guess maybe he just really wanted to get away from Nolan and his Feral Striped Associate.  Anyhoo, after a few throws, Paul manages to SPANNG! the pop-can right off the fence post!  He tries again... and goes back to missing.  Tony and Nolan are there to cheer him on... insisting that, even though he missed... he's doing Gr-r-r-reat!  Maybe if he keeps this up, he can one day be a Pitcher!

Get this... Paul suddenly thinks he's good enough to be in the Major Leagues!  Wow, that was a dramatic shift in attitude, wunnit?  Nolan quickly steps in to suggest our all-star "hold his horses" for a moment.  There's more to Pitchin' than just throwin'... right?

Well, sure... there's definitely more to it than that, silly Paul.  If you wanna be an athlete, you gotta start training like one... and what better way to begin a training regimen than with some sugar-saturated cereal!  The gang heads over to Paul's house... which is shockingly devoid of adult supervision, and share "part of a complete breakfast" before Tony uses his saccharine-sorcery to manifest a pair of small dumbbells, so Nolan can show off some of his moves.

Then, it's out to the backyard so Ryan can show Paul the three basic pitches... the Fastball, the Curveball, and the Changeup.  Ya know, when I was in Little League back in the long ago, we all thought we knew how to throw these sort of pitches... and, I swear we invented like dozens more way to hold the ball before throwing it (usually directly into the dirt in front of our feet).

Once the hand-positioning is established, Nolan goes into proper-form.  If you use this page in order to become a Major League Superstar... when it comes time to make your Hall of Fame Induction Speech, please remember li'l ol' Chris and his Infinite Earths helped you out!

Whattaya know, it looks like Paul is a natural!  Tony's bouncing around like he's Tigger, patting himself on the back and being all "Toldja so!".  They head back to Paul's house, where Nolan tells him to keep practicing... and that he'll check in with him in a week.  Well, ya gotta spend Frequent Flyer Miles somehow, right?

Anyhoo, we jump ahead one week... where there's a practice game going on... and, while Paul is given the "thumbs up" to play (after Tony and Nolan vouch for him, anyway), he's tossed way back in Right Field, which feels like the position usually given to the weak link on the team.  As the game draws on into the evening, the goofball Pitcher Tommy is called in for dinner, leaving Paul's team short a player.

Nolan steps up and suggests they try Paul as Pitcher... annnnd, nobody's feelin' it.  Nolan insists, and, I mean... who's going to argue with a future Hall of Famer, right?  Certainly not me.  And so, Paul's on the mound... where his mutant pitching power begins to manifest!  Holy smokes.

Whattayaknow, Paul and his metahuman pitching prowess wins the day!  He strikes out one awkward kid... which, I suppose is more than enough for us to witness his greatness.  If this were the Jackie Joyner-Kersee issue, we'd probably be stuck seeing every single pitch he threw!  Paul is lauded as an all-time neighborhood great... and is now the most in-demand pitcher on the block.

We wrap up with an epilogue some six months later.  Nolan Ryan is enjoying yet another bowl of Kellogg's Frosted Flakes (wow, twice in one issue... you might have a problem, pal!).  His sugar-rush is interrupted by the arrival of his good friend, Tony.  He shows Nolan the latest Junior High School Sporting Newspaper, which reveals that, in the past half-year Paul Smith has made quite a name for himself!  He credits all of his success to Nolan Ryan and Tony the Tiger.  Could you imagine crediting a cartoon diabetes merchant for your accomplishments?  Jeez, I'm gonna start telling people that my daily-blogging was all thanks to Lucky the Leprechaun.

We close out with Nolan frantically grabbing for his mitt... he's gotta head out to practice, after all... Paul's gaining on him!

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Ya know, I was fully prepared to look at all three of our Tony's Sports Series books with all sorts of derision and "enlightened" 2020 sensibilities... but, ya know what?  These were all very earnest.  If you've been with me for any amount of time, you'll know that I rate earnestness above nearly all else.  I think the only thing I put above it is passion.

These weren't created as a piss-take, nor do they feel like they were half-hearted.  Sure, we basically got three versions of the same story... and some nice sugary product-placement, but I can't shake the feeling that all involved had their hearts in the right place.  Call me naive, call me an idiot... who knows?  I feel like sharing messages like "try your best" and "never give up" is never a bad thing.

That said... there really isn't all that much to say about this story in particular.  If you've already joined me for Ozzie and Jackie, this is more of the same.  It's not bad, and it gets the job done.  Art's good too, though I won't even hazard a guess as to who might've been responsible for it!

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