Be X-Tra Safe With the X-Men #1 (1996)

Be X-Tra Safe With the X-Men #1 (1996)

"Safety Net"

Writer - Mariano Nicieza

Pencils - David Boller

Inks - Greg Adams

Letters - Chris Eliopoulos

Colors - Paul Becton

Edits - Glenn Herdling

Chief - Bob Harras

In Conjunction with Blockbuster Video Kidprint

Oh boy... we've got an interesting little piece of X-Ephemera today.  Now, I don't wanna outright dismiss what we're about to discuss as being a silly PSA (though, it very much is)... because it's in the interests of a very important cause.

The story we're about to read together was approved by the National Center of Missing & Exploited Children... a very important organization, and a wildly important cause.  That said... this is going to be a weird one.  I'll try not and take the story beats too lightly... but, no promises.  This was released in conjunction with Blockbuster Video's Kidprint identification program.  Here's a piece written by Josh Schafer about it.

Now, I won't waste anybody's time waxing nostalgic for Blockbuster Video... mostly because it's been done to death... and, also for the fact that I never... despite my best efforts... had a membership to the place!  Anytime I'd try, I'd be told that I needed to bring an electric bill or something with me.  By the time I moved out on my own, and had an electric bill with my name on it... renting videos was no longer something I cared to do.  Oh well.

Blockbuster seems to be a place kind of like Toys R Us... where people talk about how much they miss it... however, if it were to come back... they would continue not to shop there (just as they did before), and they'd be out of business again pretty quick.  Oh well.

Worth noting, this is written by Mariano Nicieza (credited only as Mariano in the book).  He is the brother of veteran X-Men scribe, Fabian Nicieza.

Let's do this!

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We open on the playground in a sunny suburb.  There, a young boy is approached by... well, a creepy pervert in a superhero costume.  He introduces himself as one of the X-Men... and, what's more... he's got him a very special mutant power that he'd really like to show the kid.

Lucky for the kiddo that... the actual X-Men just so happened to be hanging out in this very same suburban playground... in full costume!  I'd have loved to see the scene before this, with Wolverine going down a slide, and Beast hanging from the jungle gym.  Anyhoo, they swoop in and nab the pervert.  Worth noting, Cyclops' optic-beams are literally dripping from his visor here... as though he was just about to let loose with all his might amid all of these tots!

After the pervert is dealt with (off-panel... we should probably assume that Wolverine killed him)... Jubilee starts chatting up the kid.  We learn that his name is Terrance, and he thought the fat, stubbly, stinky-looking creeper looked enough like an X-Man that he could be trusted.  I wonder if he put X-Men decals on his windowless brown van too?  Anyhoo, the X-Men tell him he needs to be careful around any new people he meets... themselves included.  It's here that we get X-Tra Safe Rule #1: Trust Your Feelings!

Jubilee then goes on to tell Terrance about a time where she nearly found herself in a pickle with strangers.  It was around the time she joined up with the X-Men... and she was feeling sort of homesick, so she decided to sneak out and explore Salem Center.  It wasn't long before she found herself lost... I mean, Salem Center might only have one street in it... but, it's a long one.  Anyhoo, an elderly couple pulled up beside her to ask if she needed a ride.  She declined and said she was going to find a Police Officer instead.  Here's where we get X-Tra Safe Rule #2: Always Bring a Buddy!

Well, all these old creeps needed to hear was that the gaudily-dressed teen was looking for a cop for them to put pedal to metal and get outta dodge.  I feel like we don't know enough about these old folks to assume they were sex perverts... but, when in doubt... it's your safest bet.  Anyhoo, Jubilee finds an Officer (who was conveniently right next to the perv-mobile), and is escorted back to the Institute.  Worth noting, we get the phone number to Xavier's here!  It's 914-555-1111.  914 is the area code for Westchester County... so, I have little doubt this is legit!  This is where Jubilee learned X-Tra Safe Rule #3: Check First!

Next, Beast decides to share a story of his own... and, woof... it is pretty creepy.  Check it out, there's this kid named Jimmy who is home alone, right?  While he's watching TV, the phone rings...

Half awake, he goes to answer it, and on the other end is... well, probably a sex pervert.  He asks if Jimmy's parents are home... and upon learning that they're not, asks where li'l Jimmy lives.  Now... as luck would have it, this was exactly when Beast was testing a "holographic projector", which somehow placed him INSIDE of li'l Jimmy's television set.  Hank then pops OUT of the TV set to warn Jimmy not to tell strangers that he's home alone.  Uhhh... what?  So really... who's the sex pervert here... this dude on the phone, or Beast watching people through their TVs?

So, it's here that we wrap up with our fourth and final X-Tra Safe Rule: Trust Your Feelings!  What that has to do with a creepy blue mutant crawling out of your television set is beyond me... but, what do I know?  All that matters is that the day is saved... and, Beast is drawn here as being about three-and-a-half feet tall.

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Well, I don't know about y'all... but I feel safer already!  X-Tra safer, even!

This was weird... right?  I mean, very very bizarre stuff... it's almost hard to believe it's a thing that exists.  It's unusual when I come across something "with an X on it" in the wild that causes me to do a double-take.  Mostly because, after 30 years of digging in the bins, most of the things I see "with an X on it", I already own.  But... this?  This was new to me... and I love it for that fact.

Here we saw three dangerous situations.  First, with the piggish slob in a leotard trying to abduct poor Terrance.  Well, all we know for sure is that he wanted to show li'l Terry his "mutant power".  I'm sure he did want that.  But, I can't help but to laugh at the sheer bat-spit craziness of a big fat dude trawling a playground in a get-up like that.  What's more, the kid... while tentative... really thought this goof was an X-Man?!

Speaking of which... I'm guessing Terrance didn't get the memo that the X-Men are to be feared and hated by the world they're sworn to protect.  He was wearing an X-Men logo hat too... I wonder who gets those royalties?  Maybe it's outta one of Professor Xavier's "shell companies" that'll wind up paying off in Dawn of X?  Nah, nothing outta this comic will ever be referenced again (foreshadowing...).

Also, Wolverine totally killed this guy, right?  Fair enough.

Let's talk about that scene with weirdo phone pervert calling li'l Jimmy.  I hate to say that this is where this issue went "off the rails", because... it was insane to begin with... buuuuuut, what in the hell happened here?!

Beast was working on a holographic projector... that just so happened to be in this kid's (who's home alone) house?!  What the hell kinda creepy racket is ol' Hank McCoy working here?  I struggle to think of a single way this scene makes any sense at all... while not suggesting that McCoy is a voyeuristic pervert... but, I can't!  We'll just move on...

Finally, let's talk about that sweet elderly couple who offered to help Jubilee find her way home.  I mean, why we gonna just assume these old folks are sex perverts?  It's not like we'll ever see them again... why besmirch their reputations in such a way?  It's not like... they'll be revealed as being child abductors a quarter-century later in something called Scream: Curse of Carnage #6 (August, 2020) or anything, right?  C'mon...

Scream: Curse of Carnage #6 (August, 2020)

Clay Chapman (W) / Chris Mooneyham (A)

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh... wow.  My mind's kinda blown here, folks.  First, by the fact that... before yesterday I had zero knowledge of this Blockbuster Video "Special Edition" comic... and, now finding out that it's in continuity?!  Dang... I love it!  Worth noting that "The Creeps" as they're lovingly identified as on the Marvel Wiki, meet their end in their second (and only other) appearance.

Overall... while this is a very sobering topic, I can't say I didn't have a good time with this issue.  It was endearingly silly... and done in earnest.  If you happen across this oddity in the wild, I'd recommend grabbing it just so you can have it in your library.  Heck, maybe slab it for when "The Creeps" make their inevitable big-screen debut in Marvel Wave 24 or whatever.

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Letters (to Jubilee) Page:

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Et-Cetera:

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Chris is on Infinite Earths, Episode 34: Leonard the Duck??? (1996)

Before starting today, I'd just like to share that we hit a blogging milestone yesterday.  Right around 9am Arizona Voodoo Time, Chris is on Infinite Earths broke 800,000 pageviews.  I'm not sure quite how accurate Blogger's stats are... but, in this game, we take any victory we can get.

I'm well aware that if we discount bots and folks who don't know how to spell the word "Crisis", there are probably a few dozen genuine "hits" there... so, any celebration is a little bit tempered.

Anyhoo, onto today's conversation...

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I've been in a mindset where I'm really trying to focus on the future... exactly what that's going to mean and look like for my "content creation" side.  I still don't quite know... at least not enough to make a definitive statement about anything.  I have some ideas, but... that's really all I've got at this point.

I am still gathering my thoughts, planning goals, and deciding whether or not there's even still a place for me in the already overcrowded and back-bitey commentary community.  Again, I have ideas... but, that's about it.

So, what in the blue hell does my existential/inertial/motivational crisis have to do with Leonard the Duck?  Why am I throwing this character in y'alls faces again?  Well, this episode of Chris is on Infinite Earths was a result of the last time I took a look into the nebulous "future".


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If you're a long-time listener of my solo-output, you might have been able to tell that this Leonard episode was something of a departure from my usual way of "doing business".  Gone where self-indulgent stories and anecdotes from my life... replaced with actual comics facts and history.  It wasn't exactly a subtle shift in tone...

... and, that was intentional.

Y'see, this episode of Chris is on Infinite Earths (along with the episode that followed it) acted sort of as a "pilot" for what Chris and Reggie's Cosmic Treadmill was going to look like moving into the future... at least for the immediate future.

Following Reggie's stroke at the end of 2019, we had to put a pin in the old ways of putting together Cosmic Treadmill episodes.  Reggie suffered partial blindness and was easily fatigued when trying to read.  For a while, he wasn't able to make out words at all.  He wouldn't be able to read or write the sort of scripts we usually worked with... and so, we'd have to "pivot", reevaluate... and adapt.

We still wanted to deliver the sort of content we were "known" for (even if it was only us who "knew us" for it), but we had to be a bit more creative about it.  The answer was to sort of create a "hybrid" program, wherein we mixed elements from our Cosmic Treadmill, Weird Comics History, and Comix Tawk shows.  Bits and pieces from each, in order to serve as sort of a band-aid/bridge until Reggie was recovered and confident enough for us to go back to "business as usual".

This Leonard the Duck solo episode was sort of my "proof of concept"... showing that it was possible to mingle the Cosmic Treadmill with bits of Weird Comics History... and the editorializing of Comix Tawk.  I feel like it was successful on that front... though, unfortunately, I wouldn't imagine Reggie ever got around to listening to it.

In our final few phone calls, we brainstormed pretty heavily about what the "Chris and Reggie Summer" was going to look (and sound) like.  I've still got a handful of partially finished scripts on my Google Drive.  The gimmick was going to be less verbatim scripting... more off-the-cuff... more "bullet pointy", with a reliance on me to deliver/feed things like dates and factoids... while he would focus on elaborating and editorializing.  It... ya know, it just felt "right"... one of those "So crazy it just might work..." sort of things.

I feel as though this Leonard the Duck episode put me in the proper head space for the evolution in the way we were going to create together... and, the fact that I felt as though I pulled it off decently enough, gave me the confidence to know that we'd definitely be able to make it work.

Thanks for reading this odd little stream of consciousness piece... and thank you for helping this little blog break 800k views.

Batman: Death of Innocents #1 (1996)

Batman: Death of Innocents #1 (December, 1996)
"Death of Innocents"
Writer - Denny O'Neil
Pencils - Joe Staton
Inks - Bill Sienkiewicz
Colors - Ian Laughlin
Letters - John Costanza
Associate Editor - Darren Vincenzo
Editor - Scott Peterson
Cover Price: $3.95

Today we're going to be covering a very special book... one that I (for whatever reason) didn't even realize received a domestic release... and certainly not one I ever expected to own.

I wanna take you back a handful of years... I was doing some research on various comic book PSAs for an episode of the show.  Naturally, things like the New Teen Titans Drug Awareness issues, the Supergirl "Buckle-Up" stuff, that Spider-Man & Power Pack issue kept popping up in my search... but also, some more obscure stuff... Captain America fighting an asthma monster, Spider-Man teaches kids how to brush their teeth (with AIM toothpaste only!)... those odd "second-tier" PSAs... the ones that are more "silly" to we enlightened twenty-first century types.

Then, there were these DC specials... about landmines.  Living in America (uhh!), landmines aren't something I think about with any regularity.  For whatever reason, this made me think that these landmine issues were only released outside of the United States.  I don't think anyone ever told me that, or even that I'd read it anywhere... I'd just, again for whatever reason, decided that was the way it was.

That said... imagine my shock when I was digging through a random cheap-o bin near the house, and came across the very issue we're about to talk about!  It's actually a legit release... with a price-tag, bar code, indicia and everything!  I've been holding off on actually covering it here... though, I'm not sure why.  Probably something having to do with not having the time to give it a proper look.  Well, lucky for me (and you, if you're interested), this odd green tea diet I've been subjecting myself to has somehow resulted in improving my focus on stuff like this.  Not sure how long it'll last... but, I may as well enjoy the ride while I'm on it!

Anyhoo, without further ado... let's check this out.

Oh!  Wait, one more thing... this is a very heavy issue, I probably don't need to put a "Reader Discretion" disclaimer, but... ya know, just in case.

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Our story opens on a car-full of happy folks driving back home in order to celebrate a birthday... it's a father, his daughter, and the daughter's friend.  Along the way, they run over a landmine... which absolutely destroys the vehicle, and ends the lives of two of the three passengers.  The only survivor is one of the young girls... the daughter, Sarah.  I wanna warn y'all upfront, this scene right here kind of sets the tone for everything that's to come.  This is a heavy, unpleasant, gut-punch of a story.

We shift scenes to Gotham City where Bruce Wayne is getting an earful from a Mrs. Orbley.  She is the wife of the man who we just saw die, and the mother of Sarah.  She's blaming Bruce for sending her husband there in the first place... and for the fact that her daughter is now listed as "missing" somewhere in Kravia.  This finger-pointing doesn't exactly sit well with Bruce...

... and so, when he heads back home, he really starts to rattle Alfred's cage about the situation.  He's in deep-denial mode, and even says something along the lines of "If Mrs. Orbley didn't have a headache that day, she would've died too!" as if to suggest that this poor woman is somehow lucky!  Alfred ain't buyin' a bit of it... and actually sorta-kinda throws it back at Bruce.  He's not blaming him, but he's trying to give him a little bit of a "reality check".  Very well done scene!

Alfred then fills Bruce in on the situation in Kravia.  Upheaval, rebellion... just all-around ugliness.  The deal with the landmines is especially horrifying, as they're a) made out of very little metal, so they're difficult to locate, and b) disguised to look like common items... toys, and what-not.  Bruce wonders if there's anything he can do... to which, Alfred replies with "Duh, you're Batman."... followed by a full-page spread of that scene in Crime Alley.  Can't have a single Batman story without one of those!  Thankfully they spare us the scattered pearls!

Bruce raises his cowl, and before we know it... he's on a chopper headed into Kravia.  His pilot warns him about how dangerous this plan is... and assures him, even with a bomb-sniffing dog (which he has), more likely than not, Batman's about to be blown sky high.  Batman appreciates the warning... but, he's got a job to do.  And so, when the time is right, he takes the dog in his arms and parachutes into the bitter cold night.

After landing, Batman gingerly steps across the field... being led by his four-legged pal.  Suddenly, the dog catches a scent... and begins walking with a purpose.  Before it can locate a landmine, however... it is shot by a sniper!  They're really not pulling any punches with this one, are they?

The sniper presents itself at Batman... mocks him for being a stupid American in a cape... then gleefully warns him that the field he's currently standing in contains well over one-hundred landmines.  The sniper, certain that Batman ain't gonna make it all that far, bids him adieu... and retires back into the woods.

Over the course of the next several pages, Batman painstakingly wanders through the minefield... it's really very well done.  Every step feels like an event... and, I say that with no sarcasm... this is a very strong scene!  He finally makes it into the brush, where he climbs a tree and radios in to Oracle.  He tells her of the sniper, and reveals that it had a woman's voice.  Babs does some checking and deduces that this must've been a Colonel Franck... in her words, a "very nasty lady".  Unfortunately, that's all she seems to know about her.

Batman then sleeps for eight-minutes and forty-seconds (out of a planned 10 minute nap), when he's awoken by some local guerrillas attempting to shake down some poor dude.  Batman is able to make out enough of what they're saying to know that the guerrillas are trying to track down Sarah Orbley.

Batman sits in the tree for a bit, before thinking to himself "Whatta revoltin' development"... after which, he dives into the fray and beats everybody up.  After the dust (and bodies) settle, Batman is informed that these locals might've seen a girl in a nearby field, some three kilometers south.  Our man thanks them for the tip, and gets to headin'.

What he finds... isn't Sarah Orbley.  This is actually the body of Sarah's friend, Mariska Kraje... and, I tell ya what, the art depicts her as being pretty grotesquely mutilated, but not overwhelmingly gory.  When I opened this issue, the first thing that came to mind was how little I felt I was going to like the art.  As we work our way through, however, I'm finding a real appreciation for this strange Staton-Sienkiewicz tandem!

Batman spends the next little while digging a shallow grave for Mariska's body.  He feels it's inadequate, but... at present, it's the best he can do.  As he finishes up, he notices some tiny footprints leaving the area.  He assumes they belong to Sarah... and so, he follows them.

As he tracks the tracks... he thinks that there's nothing more important to him right now than to find this little girl.  It begins to rain, somewhat obscuring his view of the path... but he's able to persevere.  Suddenly, he sees a faint light.  It's a tiny village... he chooses to ignore it.

As he trudges ever forward, Batman finds himself stood before a new set of tracks... these ain't footprints, but big ol' tire tracks!  Realizing that poor villagers don't ride around in military-grade vehicles, he assumes these tracks belong to the bad-guys.  He follows them.  An added perk to this is, so long as he walks within the tracks, he knows he won't accidentally step on a mine!

These tracks take him right up to a gaggle of guerrillas... who are gleefully planting new landmines along the path they'd just taken.  Of note, they're pretty proud that some of these mines look like children's toys.  Pretty sneaky stuff here... pretty ruthless too, which makes it all the sweeter when Batman arrives and beats the holy hell out of 'em!

After kayoing the lot of 'em, Batman takes their guns and... just empties them into the pile of landmines, setting off each and every one before they can be buried.  It's yet another very powerful scene.  I tell ya what, this ain't your garden-variety PSA.

Our man hops into one of their vehicles, and follows the tire-trail back to the guerrillas' headquarters... which is a massive palace of a home, which once belonged to a wealthy industrialist.  Ya know, before everything sorta went to pot.  Batman breaches the gate, takes out a few guards and rushes toward the house... where he sees that dude he "saved" earlier, who is happily counting a stack of cash he'd just been given by the Colonel.

Further into the estate Batman sneaks... until he finally finds the Colonel's room.  He busts in on her while she's brushing her hair.  He gives her three choices... which are sorta like 1) Die, 2) Die, 3) Talk... then Die.

Initially, Franck looks kinda freaked out... but, gets over it quickly enough.  We can sorta tell here that she doesn't have all that much to live for... "living" has just become a means to getting revenge.  Batman asks why she's committed so many atrocities against innocent children and families... to which, she reveals that her own children were taken from her by the government.  They'd shot her son and daughter to "teach her a lesson" for writing an unsavory letter to a local newspaper.

In the midst of this contentious chat, Franck reveals that Sarah is still alive... but, won't be for long.  She promises Batman, however, that once she is dead... out of respect, the Colonel will be certain to send whatever's left of her body to the American Embassy.

Batman asks for clarification... and, ho boy, does he get it!  Ya see, Sarah was found by a poor couple... and now, all three are out with one of the Colonel's "Murder Squads" for... uh, "solving".  The Colonel then points her pistol at our man.  Batman has heard enough, and so he back-hands the broad into unconsciousness before she can squeeze off a shot.

Before long, Batman has caught up with the Murder Squad, who have presented the poor couple (and Sarah) with two choices.  They can either 1) Die here, or 2) Die in the minefield.  They choose the minefield, because at least that way, they have a chance of survival (or so they think).

As the trio walks into the minefield, one of the guerrillas asks what'll happen in the event that they actually survive the mines.  Another guerrilla laughs, and says they'll just shoot them then.  Well, not so fast, kemosabes... because Batman's here, and he's heard enough of your crap.  He shouts toward Sarah and Company to stop walking, as he beats compliance out of the Murder Squad.

The couple and Sarah make their way out of the field, guided by one of the baddies.  As they exit the field, Sarah drops her yo-yo.

With Sarah saved, Batman reads the riot act at the Murder Squad... tells them to warn the Colonel that if he catches even the slightest whiff of her acting out of step, he'll be back and rain down whatever Bat-vengeance he can upon her and her's.  Batman offers to take the old couple to the American Embassy, but they've already got somewhere to hide out for awhile.  Hopefully, it's a more secure place than wherever they were hiding before all this.

Batman and Sarah bid the old couple thanks and farewell.  Our man tells the tot that everything's going to be okay, and that he'll take her back to see her mother.  All Sarah seems to be worried about is that she dropped her yo-yo.  Batman smiles, and tells her he'll get her a car-load of yo-yos once they get home.  He hoists her up, and they run toward the rendezvous point.

Batman radios for the chopper to return... and expresses that it isn't often he feels quite this good.  He saved Sarah... and soon she'll be reunited with her mother.  While he wasn't responsible for what happened to her father, at least he was able to do something for the grieving family.  Meanwhile, Sarah's chasing a butterfly...

... when something from out of the corner of her eye catches her attention.  It's a yo-yo!

Only... it's not.

And... that's the end.

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Wow.

Um... I... didn't see that coming.  I probably should have, considering the subject matter... but, holy cow, those last two pages were probably the most powerful gut-punch I've gotten from a comic book in quite some time... perhaps, ever!  I never thought they were going to end it that way.  Wow.

Wow.

This is one that'll stick with you... I, I'm really kind of speechless here.  So often when we look at "Public Service Announcement" comics, they're pretty much written in a way where the stories presented could easily fit into any Saturday Morning cartoon show... ya know what I mean?  Not really controversial... certainly not to the point of depicting atrocities like these... they're usually "safe", easy to digest... and, utterly unmemorable.  In fact, if you remember them at all, it's usually because you're mocking them.

This, however... defies all of that.  This story features the kind of things you want to forget... but, likely won't be able to.  This is a powerful, ruthless story... that grabs you by the throat and forces you to bear witness to the gruesome depravity that... actually exists in the world.  I'm not talkin' the "DC Universe" either, but the very world we're all living in and sharing at this moment.

It's stories like this that conjure up so many unpleasant thoughts... cementing the "reality" of so much of the bad in the world.  I mean, consider this, at this very moment as I'm typing out this sentence... and at the very moment you're reading it, there are people in the worst pain of their lives.  There are children being abused.  It's all out there... and, if you allow yourself to think about all of it... it's rather maddening.

I feel like O'Neil treated this subject with great respect... he even gave the Colonel a tragic backstory, perhaps to illustrate how ruthless and vengeance-minded someone could be when they have absolutely nothing more to lose.  It makes you think... are she and Batman really all that much different?  Well, yes... they are, Batman has a "line" he won't cross... but, I hope you understand what I'm saying.  This story, and the Colonel's specifically, illustrates the different "paths" a victim might take.  She and Batman have similar "origins", but chose very different destinations.

I will admit, though it feels kinda wrong to even go down this path... I was a bit trepidatious when I saw Denny O'Neil's name attached to this... fearing it was going to be full of soapbox lectures and strawman villains.  Thankfully it was not.

Another thing I wanna admit... when I saw the odd tandem of Joe Staton and Bill Sienkiewicz were going to be providing the art, my first thought was "How in the world is that going to work?"... well, after a few pages of "warming up" to their blended style, I gotta say... I thought they worked very well together, and absolutely suited the tone of this story.  Really wonderful work.  Wonderful work all around.

Overall... this isn't so much a comic book as it is an experience, and it's an experience I highly recommend.  An oddity and a novelty to be sure, but wow... what a powerful message... and double-wow, what a heart-stopping ending.  Grab this if you find it.

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