Ozzie Smith (1992) "The Kid Who Could!" Writer - Your Guess is as Good as Mine! Pencils - Joe Staton & Angelo Torres Inks - Mike DeCarlo Alright gang, got something a little... well, a lot off the "beaten path" today. You know me, I have a weird love of the weird and novel things DC has produced. That might not always (or ever) translate into "views", but... dammit, it's a lot of fun. Today, we're going to look at the first (of three) issues of "Tony's Sports Comics" from Kellogg's, Sports Illustrated, and DC Comics. These are going to be weird and obscure... and I haven't the foggiest idea who wrote, drew, colored, or lettered a single one of 'em! If you have any ideas about the creative team... or, if perhaps you are part of the creative team, please shoot me a line! SAME-DAY UPDATE: Thanks to the intrepid readers for hunting down some more information on the creative team for this issue! Joe Staton and Angelo Torres provided pencils, while Mike DeCarlo was on inks. Still don't know who might've written this bugger though! --
Our issue opens with a young fella named Peter having "part of a complete breakfast" with, I'm going to assume, his little brother. They're watching an... early-morning Cardinals game, you know Major League games usually start at 6 in the morning, right? I dunno, maybe they're playing in Japan or something. Anyhoo, out the window, Peter sees the other neighborhood kids gathering to play some ball themselves. He'd really like to be a part of this... and so, he shovels what's left of his Kellogg's Frosted Flakes down his gullet and heads outside to join in the frivolity. Only one problem with that... looks like the mastermind of the Neighborhood League, Andrew thinks that our Peter is too puny (wow, that's not a comfortable sentence to type out). Enter: A giant cat beast.
Turns out, as luck would have it, Tony the Tiger just so happened to be hanging out in St. Louis... and he's down to just hang out and watch some neighborhood kids play ball for a few hours. Anyhoo, after the game (which poor Peter sits out), Tony asks the gang if they'd like to meet a friend of his... a "little guy" who'd become a "giant" in Major League Baseball. They agree... hop into Tony's windowless van, and are never seen agai--, err, they're taken to a nearby ball field where some of the St. Louis Cardinals are practicing... including the man of the hour, Ozzie Smith!
After the practice session, Tony introduces Ozzie to his new friends. Ozzie is cordial, but confused... though, in fairness, he was just approached by a giant bipedal tiger beast. They decide to give Peter the opportunity to show 'em he's a tiger... show 'em what he can do, and so Andrew is ordered to the mound to throw some pitches. Whattayaknow... Peter just murders the ball with every swing!
After proving he can hit, Ozzie decides it's time for Peter to show his prowess on the field. Andrew is remanded to the mound again to pitch to the Wizard of Oz. Ozzie hits a few pitches in Peter's direction, but the poor kid winds up pullin' a Bill Buckner! Whoops! Ozzie shouts some words of support at the kid, and sure enough, Peter picks up on it quick!
As the sesh wraps up, Andrew's all "Yeah, Peter's pretty good... but, he's still too small!" Jesus, Andrew... whatta you want from this kid? He can't just decide to grow! Tony decides to intervene again... and gives the two kids tickets to the next Cardinals game. This really feels like it's building to a "don't talk to strangers" lesson, doesn't it?
Before we know it, Tony, Andrew, and Peter are at the game... and hanging out with Ozzie while the teams warm up. Ozzie and Tony decide to waste away the minutes before the game by... quizzing the kids on baseball! There are a lot of words on these pages, maaaan... no joke. It's neck-and-neck in the quiz-off, until Peter is able to answer a question that Andrew doesn't know!
Ozzie steps away to, ya know, play the game... and says Tony should continue quizzing the kids. It's here where Ozzie delivers the line of the book: "If they pass the test, they'll have a perfect score!" Da hell? First, that don't make no sense... Second, Andrew's already missed a question! Pay attention, Ozzie man!
The next several pages feature Ozzie Smith kickin' butt on the field... making amazing catches and even scoring the winning touchdown run!
We wrap up with Andrew finally relenting and, with a wink to the reader, allowing Peter to play in his neighborhood league.
-- Not since we joined LeBron James on his quest to find "the flava", have we read such a weird sports story here at the site... and, for the most part... it was pretty fun! Dumb, borderline creepy, and somewhat inarticulate... but fun! It's definitely one of those books that "defies analysis"... and so, I'm not going to go too deep. I also feel like, looking back with (urgh) 2020-vision, this could be viewed a bit differently than it was intended... maybe? I feel like there's a fair amount of "innocence" we need in order to to "buy-in" and fully appreciate this... but, call it jadedness, cynicism, or just a tendency toward black humor, and this one could go sideways at any moment. The "lesson" taught here isn't anything all that novel... and really, why the hell am I even going down this path? It's a feel good story facilitated by a cereal mascot. I really ought to just let it be. The art was good... Tony's depiction was especially "spot on". Yeah, I guess that's all I really have to say! Overall it wasn't...
... but, it wasn't the worst thing either! If you come across this thing for a buck-or-below (like I did), I'd encourage you to snag it for the novelty alone! -- Et-Cetera:
Super Heroes Stamp Album #1 (1998) "Book I: 1900 to 1909!" Writer - Doug Moench Pencillers - Paul Ryan, Angelo Torres, Joe Orlando, Joe Staton, Dan Jurgens, Norm Breyfogle, Jim Aparo, Dick Giordano, George Pratt, M.D. Bright & Ernie Colon Inkers - Doug Hazlewood, Josef Rubenstein, Tom Palmer, Mike DeCarlo, Bill Sienkiewicz & Bob Smith Colors - Tom Ziuko, Rick Taylor, Patricia Mulvihill & Bob LeRose Letterer - Gaspar Saladino Postmaster General - Marvin Runyon Alrighty folks, today we have what might be one of the more bizarre... and boring books we're ever going to discuss here. This one was made in cooperation with the United States Postal Service in order to promote their line of Celebrate the Century Stamps. These were ten sheets of stamps, one for each decade of the 20th Century... with 15 stamps on each highlighting important events in semi-recent United States History. What this has to do with superheroes... well, you got me. Though, to be fair, it looks like Superman will get his own stamp in Book III. This line of comics was supposed to be an actual "stamp album", just like it says on the cover. You were supposed to collect the stamps, and put them in their proper spot inside this very book. We really got into that sort of thing around the turn of the century... ask anyone who collected the 50 State Quarters! Anyhoo, this piece will likely be a bit lighter on commentary than usual, because... there's no story here. It's just several of our late-90's DC Comics favorites dropping knowledge on us. As always, we'll do the best that we can! --
We open with Superman beginning our tour through the 20th Century. Are you excited? I know I'm excited. Hell, even Batman's sorta smiling! For our first stop, Superman "The Action Ace" introduces us to Theodore Roosevelt "The Action President". We learn of young Teddy's health problems, and his service with the Rough Riders. Also, the circumstances which led to his becoming President of the United States.
The next stop on our tour is hosted by Wonder Woman... and she's taking us to Ellis Island. She informs us that in the first decade of the 20th Century alone, nine million immigrants came through New York Harbor... with 4,000 passing through the Ellis Island Processing Point on an average day.
Remember Theodore Roosevelt? Well, we're not done with him yet. This time Robin tells us the story of the first Teddy Bear. Ya see, legend has it that Theodore Roosevelt refused to shoot a bear cub while on a hunting trip... he considered it "unsporting". When this story spread, a toy shop owner crafted a stuffed version of this bear to sell.
Back to Superman, and the story of the first World Series... well, after he shows off some of his powers for us, by cracking a ball into orbit... and speeding up to catch it. It was a best-of-nine series that took place in 1903, pitting the National League's Pittsburgh Pirates against the American League's Boston Pilgrims (later Red Sox). The Pilgrims would win it in eight!
Off to Muir Woods with Connor Hawke, where we learn a bit about preservationist John Muir. Dude quit his job and walked 1,000 miles across the country. He had founded The Sierra Club in 1892 in attempt to preserve the Yosemite Region from loggin and whatnot. He even became pals with the aforementioned (several times) Teddy Roosevelt.
Back to Robin for the quick and dirty on Crayola Crayons. Did you know that crayons are made out of chalk and oil? Well, you do now.
Over to Wonder Woman for a look at "the ideal woman"... and no, we're not talking about Diana. This is the Gibson Girl... a creation of an artist named Charles Dana Gibson that appeared in a humor magazine. Homeboy got paid, and her look became "the" look many women would aspire toward.
Next stop, Kitty Hawk... where Superman tells us all about Orville and Wilbur Wright's first flight. He's probably the most fitting hero to discuss these fellas, no?
Then Kyle Rayner tells us all about the first American blockbuster film, "The Great Train Robbery". Anyone ever see it? I haven't. Looks like it's only 12 minutes long... I guess it might be worth a look.
Okay, 12 minutes and 10 seconds. Anyhoo, Kyle informs us that movie-goers actually freaked out when the gunslinger in the film started firing off shots toward the camera. Imagine living in a time like that?
Off to St. Louis so Wonder Woman can tell us all about the 1904 World's Fair. Looks like there were a whole lot of important concepts and ideas introduced, including such mundane things as ice cream cones, iced tea, and hamburgers! What a time to be alive!
Batman then fills us in on the 1906 Pure Food and Drugs Act. A story that begins with an old favorite of mine, the Snake-Oil Salesman. Looks like these potions and tinctures weren't as harmless as you might think though... many were laced with stimulants. I'm sure that wasn't always a bad thing for the patrons, however.
Next, our man Steel tells us about William Edward Burghardt DuBois... which includes such concepts as Jim Crow Laws... and leads to race riots and the eventual formation of the NAACP. Steel ends his tale by informing us that, prior to his passing, W.E.B. DuBois renounced his American citizenship and spent his final days in Ghana, Africa.
Off to... maybe Metropolis, where Superman takes a break from attending to a city-full of crumbling skyscrapers to tell us all about Frank Lloyd Wright. All I knew about this fella was his more Arizona-centric dealings... and the fact that we have a major road named after him out this way. I used to work over the road, and had to visit his Taliesin West (which he used as a "winter home") several times. Unfortunately his vision didn't help Arizona all that much... as we're still very much "cookie cutter" as far as housing, at least in the major metropolitan areas.
Next up, the Flash tells us about the Model T Ford, and how Henry Ford launched the second Industrial Revolution in America. Wowsa!
The final stop on this tour is guided by Batman, as he slinks down the back alleys to tell us about Ash Can Printing. As comics enthusiasts, we've no doubt heard the word "ashcan" before... but this is a bit different. This is an art movement, where folks would paint "plain or ugly subjects"... gritty realistic images which may include things like "dirty alleys or garbage cans". In comics, I think we just call that the 1980's.
And so, we've made it through the first decade of the 20th Century! Are you excited for the next ten years? Well, Batman certainly is! Just look at that grin.
-- Well, that was kinda dry, wun'tit? It's difficult to really analyze something like this... so we're not going to. Upon reading this, I feel like these were neat little succinct looks at American History... which, I think any interested young person (or adult, I guess) could get something from. All told, not a bad package insofar as the delivery of the information. It was easy to read, and (just barely) more engaging than a textbook. Probably not the worst way to introduce a youngster to the material. The art... was kind of a mixed bag. Doesn't really feel like anybody involved on that side of the table (outside of a couple) really brought their "A" Game. I'm never really a fan of "jam" issues, however, considering what this book is all about, I suppose I could live with it. Overall... a pretty strange little novelty. It might not be worth your time to read... but, as an interesting piece for your collection, I'd say it might just be worth having. I definitely wouldn't spend more than a buck or two... though, I might nudge up if the book came complete with stamps already included. And so, we wrap up April... when you come back tomorrow, you might wanna wear shades because our future's so... well, you know. -- Interesting Ads:
American Honda Presents DC Comics' Supergirl (1984) "Supergirl" Story - Joe Orlando, Barry Marx & Robert Loren Fleming Dialogue - Andy Helfer Artist - Angelo Torres Letterer - John Costanza Colorist - Joe Orlando Editor - Barry Marx Special Consultants - Toni Harrington & Rick Smith Executive Coordinator - Steve Werner Adviser - Steve Jacobs Welcome back to the wonderful world of DC Comics PSAs! After a long hunt, I have finally procured the first (of two) Supergirl traffic safety Public Service Announcements... which (counting the three New Teen Titans Drug Awareness mags) puts us at 80% of the mid-80's PSA push. This might get bumpy, so buckle up! (har har) --
We open in Southern California where Supergirl is attending to the fallout of an Earthquake. The shifting of the Earth has caused the ground to crack and the roads to buckle... including the bridges and overpasses. As luck would have it, a trucker hauling explosives is barreling across the half-bridge, and is about to take a header into the valley below. Like, he seriously speeds up because the Earthquake set his schedule back! Such dedication! Now, if I were back running a trucking company, this is definitely a dude I'd want working for me. Supergirl uses her heat vision to bend the bridge up so she can pluck this fool driver outta the sky. Unfortunately, this whole mess is cutting into her date time with one Steve Gordon.
Back in Chicago, we meet young Mister Gordon who appears to be working at a fast food joint. He and his coworkers are discussing the film Battle for Neptune, which he loved so much he'd seen it twenty times! Their chat is interrupted by da boss man who informs Steve he's got a phone call. It's Supergirl calling to cancel their date. It's funny, she's actually borrowing a police phone to do so... I wonder if they record those calls, because Supergirl just referred to herself as Linda. Hell, there's an officer standing right next to her when she makes the call! Anyhoo, Steve doesn't take the news well, and decides he'll go to the movies anyway... but he'll take Ellen instead. No, no, he's not being unfaithful... at least I hope he's not, Ellen is his younger sister.
Now, this is where things get serious... which is odd to say, considering we just covered an Earthquake... but, for the purposes of what this issue is trying to do... this is where it begins. Steve and Ellen hop into the car, at which time Steve refuses... downright refuses to buckle his seat belt. Ya see, he's such a better driver without it... and yeah, he actually says that. After all, the theater is less than a mile away.
Well, I'm sure we all know where this is headed. Steve and Ellen head down the road to an intersection. As they pull through a man blows a stop light and t-bones them!
A drunken man ambles out of the other car, and looks at the mess he'd made. He sees that the other car had children in it, and wonders if he stole from them long lives... all because of a few drinks. Looks like we're doing double-duty on the public service announcements here. I wonder if he was wearing his seat belt.
We shift to later on at the hospital. Steve is in a coma, though Ellen appears to be fine... despite somehow smashing her head on the steering wheel... at least I think that's what was being depicted. Maybe she was just grimacing, and her spidey-sense was going off, I dunno. Linda has arrived and she is Super-apologetic... if only she hadn't cancelled their date, Steve would be fine. Well, let's not get crazy there Linda, he'd still not be wearing his safety belt.
Knowing that she is powerless against, well... Steve's coma, she takes off for the Fortress of Solitude to hang out among Superman's collection of exotic critters. She hears the creaking of, either the turn of a giant key or the opening of a giant door and knows that her cousin has just arrived. She heads to him with the news that... she is going to quit being Supergirl!
Ya see, if she wasn't so busy Supergirling, she would have been there to go out with seatbeltless Steve. Superman's all "let's not be silly", after all, even Superfolks can't be everywhere at once. He leads her to a device he'd received from some alien race he'd saved... and just like every other device Superman procures, it's shaped like a piece of furniture you have to sit in (or in this case lay on) to make it work. This will allow him to try to communicate with Steve's mind to inform him that Ellen is okay, hoping that this might stir him from the coma. Supergirl thinks it's a smashing idea... with the caveat that she be the one to be hooked up to the machine. Superman begrudgingly agrees.
And so, Supergirl enters the machine and her mental essence is swept away to... like this strange arctic Mad Max world. Okay. We see Steve, who is referred to as Gord-On here, so maybe he's going to join the Legion of Super-Heroes... and he is tasked with driving a car, basically. He hops in, and is joined by... his sister Ellen, who... you guessed it, implores him to buckle his seat belt. He refuses, fearful that he'd be pinned in the car should the Marauders attack. Supergirl's mental essence is in the backseat trying to convince Steve to buckle up, but he cannot hear her.
When they hit the ice, it's only a matter of time before the Marauders attack. Steve, it turns out, isn't a half bad driver. He is able to outmaneuver most of the baddies and even shake a few off. After a breakaway... their vehicle gets t-boned by a raider, and they are pushed into a hole in the ice.
Okay... I know logic really isn't a thing here, but let's give it a try anyway. Here we've got Steve, who has refused to wear his seat belt... submerged in the freezing cold water. Supergirl is able to save him... a rescue which was likely hastened by the fact that... he wasn't wearing his seat belt! Not sure this was the best example of seat belt safety. Back in the "real" world, Steve's coma worsens... and Supergirl thrashes in the device. An observing Superman knows she was unsuccessful.
We hop back into the coma-world, where we enter a jungle and see Steve (Monterey Gordon here) dressed as though he's going on safari. He is tasked with... driving a car (to deliver a letter for a dying man). He hops in his Jeep where he is joined by... his sister Ellen, who (say it with me) pleads with him to wear his seat belt. He again refuses, claiming that it's safer to be thrown free of an accident. Supergirl's mental essence mythbusts that... which appears to be her purpose for these scenes.
After being jumped by a tiger, the Jeep-load finds themselves under attack by some, I dunno, revolutionaries? As Steve drives into a clearing his Jeep gets (say it with me) t-boned! He goes flying... but Supergirl catches him before he becomes an unsightly stain (as opposed to those sightly ones) on a rock. Again in the real world, Steve's coma worsens and Supergirl thrashes... steee-rike two!
We shift again, this time into a potboiler mystery. We meet Steve Gordon, P.I. who is being tasked with... driving a car to bust up a racket downtown. He hops into his ride, where he is... you know. And she... you knows. This time, however, in order to shut the tot up, Steve buckles his seat belt! Third time's the charm!
And you'll never guess what happens next... unless you've been reading along this far. Yep, they get t-boned... however, this time by the grace of seat belts, everybody is safe! Steve finally comes out of his coma. I say finally, but really... this was like a twenty minute coma.
Our story concludes with Steve being wheeled out of the hospital... can't see if the wheelchair has a seat belt, but I'm hopeful that it does. Linda arrives to inform him that she owes him a movie date, and everything is hunky dory.
-- Just like the other mid-80's DC Comics PSAs we've read, this wasn't as bad as it could be. That's not to say it was all that great or anything... but I did enjoy it as a heavy-handed weirdo novelty. This whole issue is predicated on the concept of mythbusting some arguments against the use of seat belts... and looking at it that way, I suppose it's mostly successful. By going into Steve's "head" time after time Supergirl is afforded the opportunity to take one argument at a time and show their folly. Fair enough. The bits to get there were repetitive and... kinda silly, but whattayagonnado? At the end of the day, this is a superhero seat belt PSA. I thought it was a bit sudden for Linda to claim retirement after some dude she was going to go on a date with got hurt... seemed a bit out of character, but, again... PSA. We've all seen our share of "very special episodes" where established characters act a bit "severe" or "sudden" to facilitate a plot point... so, no harm, no foul. As hokey and heavy-handed as this was, I think it's the first Andy Helfer script I've ever read... and it's not half bad. I'm used to seeing his name pop up as editor, so I was interested to check out his dialogue-game. Gotta say, I was pleasantly surprised. The art was pretty nice too... this didn't look like a "fill in", which was nice. Overall... silly as it was, if you're a fan of DC Comics history, and just weird stuff, you're gonna want this in your collection. I know I'm happy to (finally) have it. Four PSAs down... one to find/go! -- Activities and What-Not:
