BIZARRO BREAK #12 - Super-Dumped!

BIZARRO BREAK #12 - Super-Dumped!
"Super-Dumped!"
Story by Johnny Ryan
Art by Dave Cooper
Edits - Joey Cavalieri

What in the... a #BizarroBreak?  Why it's been 120 days (17 Weeks and a Day) since we last did one'a these!!!

We've got us a story that... I'm sorry, ain't got no alibi, today.  I've been dreading covering this story, just because I don't even like looking at it in the book.  Somethin' about this art... it's like those "hyper-realistic" bits from the old Ren & Stimpy show... you know, the ones that are super-gross... like if they focused in on a very large pimple or something?

Let's do it!

--

We open in a park... or at least a somewhat-wooded area, with Wonder Woman dumping Superman.  Ya see, she's found another... a nerd named Kerky.  She lays into Clark that his only answer to everything is to resort to violence.  Her Kerky, however, is a kinder and gentler li'l soul.  As Clark sobs, Diana and her new beau strut outta the scene...

... all the way to "Ultimate Bill's Comic Book Sweat Box!".  This might've given me the only chuckle I'm going to get outta this one.  Comic shops are some sweaty places... especially in the age of Covid, where we're wearing facemasks in public!  A couple weeks back, I swear I sweated at least a cup and a half into my mask!  Good thing masks don't need to be laundered... right?  Err... nevermind... moving on.  Now, our hero Kerky becomes verbally abusive to our Wonder Woman... because, ya know... ain't nothin' comin' tween he and his comics.

Once the doors open, he rushes to the back wall to pick up a copy of Industrial Strength Cleaner... a comic featuring a super-heroine with the body of an old school vacuum cleaner.  We're treated to a two-page spread featuring her exploits... and they might be the least off-putting this artwork is going to look!

While Kerky reads, one of the other nerds recognizes Wonder Woman.  This briefly excites her, until the nerd goes on to say that she ain't all'at... and she's certainly no Industrial Strength Cleaner!

Just then, Supergirl arrives!  And get this, she also claims to be Kerky's girlfriend.  Gotta wonder what this li'l nerd is packin'.  Supergirl and Wonder Woman get in each other's faces... and before we know it, they're brawling all over the place!

Okay, I lied before... there is one more line in this that did make me chuckle.  Wonder Woman hurls Supergirl into a nearby taxicab... and says it can take her back to "Uglytown".  Don't know why that made me laugh... but, it definitely did!

So, the super-ladies keep fighting... until Kerky shows up to introduce them both to his new(est) girlfriend... dun-da-da-dahhh, the Industrial Strength Cleaner.  He bids the two "pigs" adieu, and struts outta the scene.

The ladies clean themselves off, and vow never to date a nerd again.  Just then, Clark Kent in full-on nerd-gear arrives to try and woo Diana back.  Both super-women haul ass down the road in fright.  Uh, Supergirl... ain't dat your cousin?  I don't think he was propositioning you.  Then again, these are Bizarro Comics.

--

Baw-haw-haw... aren't comic book fans, da woist!  What a bunch of stereotypical stinky, ugly, unkempt nerds!

I mean, I don't think that's supposed to be the main takeaway from this story... but, damned if that's not the only thing we're left with, right?  I mean, why would Ryan and Cooper purposely create a story just to mock and stereotype the people reading it?  Almost seems counterproductive to the concept of selling comics, dunnit?

Now, if I'm somehow "missing" the subtle genius of this story... please enlighten me!  You know I can be somewhat dense, and I can also totally be prone to "tunnel vision".  If I'm missing the forest for the trees, I'd really appreciate getting an education!

I've mentioned time and again how strange it is that comics is one of the very few entertainment (and therefore "non-essential") industries out there that openly and explicitly runs-down and derides their customer base.  It's almost like the industry wants to die.  Heck, after reading something like this, I can almost make a case that it might be time to start tugging on that plug.

This wasn't good.  It was mean-spirited and oh-so-ugly... which, I might've forgiven if the story made up for it... but it didn't.  We've likely all read some comics that poke fun at the fandom... but this lacked any and all charm of say, an Evan Dorkin Eltingville story... and instead relished in playing up every comics fan stereotype... down to our hero Kerky literally drooling at the thought of getting his latest "fix" of Industrial Strength Cleaner.

Not a good look... and, it might make you (or at least me) stop overthinking why comics sales are in the toilet and shops seem to be closing down by the week (pre-Covid).  Oh and, as mentioned, the art is very off-putting.

BIZARRO BREAK #11 - Batman 5.0

BIZARRO BREAK #11 (Batman 5.0)
"Batman: Upgrade 5.0"
By Dean Haglund & Peter Murrieta
Art by Don Simpson
Edits - Joey Cavalieri

It's been a minute since our last #BizarroBreak... and, it looks like I was pretty well overdue (apologies in advance!).

These certainly aren't the most popular or loved posts at this ol' site, but... desperate times call for desperate measures.  This week, time's sort of at a premium for your humble host... first, I'm a grad student, and... it's finals week.  Second, it's the last week of the month, which means I'm elbow-deep in another of my "creative endeavors".

Baptisms by Baubier... and much, much more!
From Claremont to Claremont: An X-Men Podcast, Episode 2... this Saturday!

I don't usually "cross the streams", so to speak between my audio and written works... but, heck... why not, right?  Some of the readers may know that I've just launched a pretty extensive podcast series called From Claremont to Claremont: An X-Men Podcast, which looks at all of the X-Men/X-Related books from the time Chris Claremont left the X-Books in 1991 to his return near a decade later.  We're about to launch the second episode (hoping to have a semi-steady "first Saturday of the month" schedule)... and, there's just a ton of material here.  The first episode was ten hours long... and, after well over a hundred hours of prep, scripting, and recording... it also took me about 13 hours to edit!  So... with all that having been said, time is a crunch this week... so, Bizarro it is!

--

We open with Batman receiving a package from ACMESoft... which, doesn't inspire a whole lot of hope, does it?  It's his brand-new 5.0 Operating System, with which he's certain to catch even more criminals.  And so, he sets to the arduous installation process.  He's given the option to register the software, but decides he'll come back to that later... only to learn that he can't install the stuff until he actually does register it!  I... get that this is sort of "relatable"... buuuut, does that make it funny?

Anyhoo, Batman goes ahead and registers... and gets back to the installation.  Twenty-minutes later, after the OS finally makes itself at home on the Bat-Computer, our hero is informed that, before all changes can go into effect, he's going to have to... restart his computer.  Again... we've all been there... but, is watching Batman suffer the same install-waiting-game something we need to see?

Of course, one difference between Batman and we common rabble is... his computer is a lot cooler than ours, and is actually hardwired to a nuclear reactor.  And so, when he restarts, it risks a whole lot more than "lost data", if you know what I mean.  We jump ahead five hours... after Batman has dealt with a near-nuclear-meltdown.  He's ready to try out his new OS, only to discover that... wonk, wonk, wonnnnnnk... it's incompatible with just about everything he already had on his system!  All of the new features are either useless or wildly inconvenient.  Heyyy... that's like a lot of updates we get in the real world... wakka wakka.

Batman has no choice but to engage with... something probably less pleasant than even the Joker: PC tech support.  Of course, this is a belabored process... and, again... we've all been there!  Gotham City literally burns while our hero sits on hold.

He finally gets a "live body" on the line... and their first question is: "Is your computer plugged in?"

This sends Batman into an absolute rage... and before we know it, he's inside the ACMESoft offices beating the holy hell out of some poor tech support geek.  The End?

--

I've often said that, when setting to write a story, if you start your pitch with "Wouldn't it be funny if...?", the answer is almost always "No."

It feels like so many times I've been in the comic shop, and I'd overhear conversations that begin with that "Wouldn't it be funny if...?", and damn near every time it results in a cringe.  It's always something that puts the heroes on a similar plane as we mere mortals, or struggling with the same mundanities we do... and, while it may be amusing to think about in a fleeting moment, it certainly isn't something that should ever be committed to paper.

The one I recall hearing most often is "Wouldn't it be funny if... Batman got stuck in traffic?".  The answer, of course, is No... that wouldn't "be funny".  Sure, we can chuckle to ourselves about how bizarre something like that would be... but, you gotta ask yourself: "Then what?"  Sure, we had a giggle... but, then what?

I mean, surely I'm thinking too hard about this... I mean, this is a Bizarro humor story, and it isn't really doing anybody any harm... but still, I just don't find this to be near as clever nor humorous as I believe it's intended to be.  The art's nice!  I'll give it that.

BIZARRO BREAK #10 - Aquaman

BIZARRO BREAK #10 (Aquaman)
Story - Mike Doughty
Art - Danny Hellman
Edits - Joey Cavalieri

Time for another BizarroBreak... and, we're breaking into the double-digits!  Odd that I was using these short-bits as a "break", when this one felt like it took me forever to write up!

It should go without saying, it's going to be weird... let's get into it! 

--

Our story opens with Aquaman (with guitar) about to enter a subway car.  As he approaches the train, a newspaper with the headline "Batman Smashes Dope Ring" floats past.  After taking his seat, we learn that he's heading to a bar so he can take part in an "open mic night" sort of situation.  He relishes in the fans' adoration of his music... but, it always comes back to feelings of uncertainty and self-doubt.  His mental monologue is interrupted by a voice.  He turns, and realizes that it was a... wait for it... fish chatting him up about whether or not he knows Batman.  Wonk, wonk.  I'd usually go into my "c'mon [insert writer name] a 'talks to fish' gag in an Aquaman story?  You're better than this!", however... it's a Bizarro story, which might be the only place I'm kind of cool with it.

Before long, we arrive at the bar... and it looks a bit like dollar-store version of the Star Wars cantina scene.  We've got humans, robots, sea creaturs... probably an alien or two... all there to perform on stage.  Aquaman spies the "competition", and realizes they're basically all a bunch of losers with limited performance options... just like him.

After suffering through a plethora of crappy acts, our man finally takes the stage.  He's got a song called "Mera" he'd really like to share with the crowd... and, woof... it doesn't sound like it'll be a "Top 40" hit.  Anyhoo, just as he's getting into it, Aquaman's song is interrupted...

... by Robin, the Boy Wonder!  He immediately takes command of the crowd... and, much to the chagrin of our feature character, the stage as well!  The peanut gallery really wants to know what it's like to hang out with the vaunted caped crusader... which, poor Artie can't even hope to compete with... and so, he retires to one of the tables on the floor, lamenting the fact that he ever told Robin about these "Open Mic Nights".

His pity-party is interrupted (wow, lots of interruptions in this one!) by a woman... who really seemed to dig his music!  Artie doesn't seem to be buyin' it for one second (and I can't blame him!), but plays along anyway (and, again, I can't blame him!).  He informs the gal that this is just a hobby... something he does as a "release".  In reality, he's a crime-fighter.  She brushes that aside and tells him how sexy he is when he sings.  How much has she had to drink?

Before we know it, Arthur and whatsherface are at a Chinese restaurant.  The live eels in the tank are talking... unfortunately, it's not in English.  There, the couple chat about Mera... and Aquaman waxes poetic about how he ought to create a "Black Box Recorder of Love".  Da hell?

Despite all this, the gal invites Arthur back to her place... and, upon arrival, we can see that she's sort of a superhero groupie!  Or, at least, a very passionate comic book fan.  Aquaman checks out her photo wall, and sees the Batman and Robin pic from the Tony Millionaire story in this very book (ooh, meta!).

Upon seeing this... and learning how "into" the Dynamic Duo his date is, Aquaman starts getting a bit skittish, and decides it's time for him to split.  He excuses himself and heads home much to the astonishment of this girl who was probably expecting an eventful evening.

We rejoin Aquaman back at his apartment wallowing in self-pity, when... get this, he's interrupted by the arrival of his roommate, Green Arrow!  He's got a weird vampire-looking girl with him, and they both have a good laugh at the sad-sack.

After Ollie and the Vamp excuse themselves to go bang in the next room over, Aquaman pikcs up his guitar and proceeds to pluckin'.  Outside his apartment, we can see the Bat-Signal illuminating in the night.

--

I can't help but to feel like I didn't quite "receive" this one the way it was intended.  I can't shake the sensation that I was supposed to find this incredibly deep and meaningful... like, as in we were actually getting "into the head" of Aquaman, and getting a close look at all of his hang-ups (emotional, romantic, self-esteem).  And, don't get me wrong, that's all in here... but, I dunno... there's an odd "preciousness" to it as well, which really turns me off.

Now Aquaman has been sort of a "punching bag" in the comics pantheon for friggin' ever, right?  In fact, I'm convinced there are only two kinds of Aquaman stories ever told nowadays.  The first, plays Aquaman off as a joke character... the second, is him proving he's not a joke character.  I like him as a serious character, however, anytime it's done... the specter of "Ya see?  Aquaman's no joke!" is always there.  It never feels intrinsic, natural, or organic... it's always in a "point to prove" sort of way.

Here... it's like we're playing this weird analogy game.  The jokier aspects of his character and power set have effected his self-esteem... and it seems like he really feels inadequate when compared to Batman.  Well, fair enough I guess... that I can work with, if only the entire tone wasn't so "cute".

Worth noting, I really dug the art here... and, ya know what... despite it going against basically everything I stand for when it comes to Aquaman (which admittedly, isn't much), I was even okay with the "talks to fish" bits.

BIZARRO BREAK #9 - Positive Batman

BIZARRO BREAK #9 (Batman)
"The Power of Positive Batman"
Writer - Aaron Bergeron
Art - John Kerschbaum
Edits - Joey Cavalieri

Heyyy, two #BizarroBreak installments in one week?  Yeah, again, sorry 'bout that.  I did warn early on, however, that we might have some "BizarroBinges"... and, I guess we're having a sorta-kinda-mini-binge right now!

With today's installment, I do believe we are officially 1/4 through the Bizarro World hardcover... why, that didn't take long at all!  At this rate, we'll be done with this thing in... err, September?

--

Our story opens in the office of Dr. Milliken, Batman's psychologist.  Batman swoops in through the window for a session... and decides, after all these years... it's time for him to let go of the past, and stop being Batman!  He removes his cowl, revealing himself to be Bruce Wayne... which really freaks the Doc out!  Milliken wonders how Batman came to this conclusion... and suggests it might have to do with that silly Christmas song about how bad the hero smells!  Hey, speak of the devil...

We jump over to Stately Wayne Manor, where Bruce is packing his bags.  Suddenly, the Bat-Signal illuminates the sky above.  Surely, our hero will answer the call... right?  Well, he answers it all right, just not the way we're accustomed.

Over the next few days, Bruce continues taking steps toward letting go of his life as a crime-fighting caped-crusader... which really grinds the gears of his now-former rogues gallery!  The Joker, Riddler, Two-Face, and Poison Ivy pay him a visit to try and get him to take up the cape again!  We could go into all those scholarly discussions about the duality of heroes and villains, and how they are reliant on one another to exist... but, instead we'll just have a chuckle at the silly scene.

After a yard sale, where Bruce dumps all of his wonderful toys, he goes to load himself up into the former-Batmobile.  He is stopped by Wonder Woman, who tells him he's a valuable member of the Justice League... and she'd like to see him back in the tights.  He tells her, she's got a beautiful pair of lips, and he'd really like to kiss 'em.

Time passes, and Bruce is out on a pontoon in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.  Superman is able to track him down, and decides to pay a visit.

Bruce pipes up right away, insisting he won't be coming back... to which, Superman is totally cool!  In fact, he's here to join him!  And so, we wrap up with Bruce and Clark lazing away the rest of their lives on a pontoon in the middle of the ocean. 

--

Another fun chapter of Bizarro World... well, up until the ending anyway.  Here we have Bruce Wayne doing the unthinkable... well, maybe not "unthinkable" in 2020... who even knows what's going on at DC Comics these days?  Not even the people "working" there.  But, here - Bruce Wayne "gets over it"... and decides to stop being Batman.

We see the silly ripple effect this causes, effecting everyone from the Gotham P.D., to the baddies, to his fellow Justice Leaguers.  And, ya know, it's fun.  Not much to actually "say" about all of it, but I can tell ya, I chuckled a time or two.

The ending... I thought was rather weak.  Not really sure if it was trying to necessarily "say" anything... but, to me, it fell flat.  They can't all end strong, I guess.  I did have a good time along the way, and sometimes that's all we can hope for!

Next #BizarroBreak: Aquaman... Unplugged!

BIZARRO BREAK #8 - It's Not Easy Being Green

BIZARRO BREAK #8 (Green Lantern)
"It's Not Easy Being Green"
Writer - Jason Yungbluth
Art - Jason Paulos
Edits - Joey Cavalieri

Welcome back to the #BizarroBreak... yeah, I know, I'm sorry.

These certainly aren't among the more popular pieces I put together, but... they're relatively short, and ya boy's tired.  Over the course of the past four articles, I wrote nearly 20,000 words... and wasted away countless hours of quarantined bliss.  I hope everyone dug what I put out those days... but, this day is going to have to be a (relative) "cheat day".

Today's is a fun one though... I'd wager you'll all enjoy it!

--

We open with a quick n dirty take on Hal Jordan's Green Lantern origin... you know the drill, dyin' alien hands him a ring... Hal becomes a hero, capable to handling any problem the universe might throw at him... unless, of course, that problem is colored yellow.  We see here that Hal and I share a particular weakness... Marshmallow Peeps!  I tell ya what, we're currently in the midst of what has been the hardest "Easter Season" for me in years.  I've been dieting, and had to kick the Peeps habit... the damned things are haunting me... invading my dreams... sapping my soul.  A-hem, where were we?  Oh yeah, Hal's afraid of yellow things.  This all came to a head in a very public way when the "Banana Republican" stormed the field of a football game, and proved to be Hal's better.

This resulted in Hal Jordan being dismissed as a joke... the news spread like wildfire, even reaching the despotic Darkseid, who had a nice belly laugh at our hero's expense!

Hal continued to deal with his issue... and reflected back to times in his life when yellow got the best of him.  We learn here that Hal was a bedwetter (Hal's dad is a prick)... and wasn't the best at brushing his teeth.  He runs yellow lights in order to "win one", and over-relies on a construct octopus (constructopus?) in order to fight crime.

Anyhoo, one day he's called up to Oa.  Ya see, the Guardians are really concerned over Hal's aversion to all things yellow... and want to try and get to the bottom of it.  Here's the thing: Green Lanterns don't have any weakness against yellow... that was just a joke that a Guardian named Larry told Hal to screw with him!  Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

Before we know it, Hal's all straightened out... but, he's still got a reputation to repair.  Now, where does a Hal Jordan go when he wants to fix his rep?  Well, you read Action Comics Weekly... so, you know he's headed for The Oprah Winfrey Show, of course!

He even has Superman with him for some moral support.  Superman assures the viewing public that Green Lantern is no joke... and he's afraid of absolutely nothing.  Why, the only thing that can stop Green Lantern is... Superman himself!  This is, of course, before we spy a nice big chunk of Kryptonite on set... which, ya know, really gets under the Big Guy's skin.

--

This was a lot of fun.  I'm not usually a fan of the, pardon the crassness, "piss-take" on superheroes.  I mean, there's only so many times we "enlightened" fans can all nudge each other in the ribs and scoff at how ludicrous comic book situations are... "Durr hurr, it's just a pair of glasses!  How is that a disguise?!" sort of stuff... but, this story actually managed to make one of the silly Silver Age contrivances funny!

Playing around with Hal Jordan's aversion to yellow is a neat idea... especially when it's eventually revealed that it never actually existed at all.  It was just some jerk of a Guardian screwing with him!  Of course, we students of comics history know all about the hows and whys of the "Yellow Impurity", but still... I had a good time with this one.  Was happy to see that Hal and I share the same weakness for marshmallow Peeps... and was also happy to see the callback (intentional or not) to Hal's ACW visit to Oprah!

Next #BizarroBreak: Batman hangs 'em up!

BIZARRO BREAK #7 - The Spectre

BIZARRO BREAK #7 (The Spectre)
Story - Chris Duffy
Art - Craig Thompson
Colors - Dave Stewart
Edits - Joey Cavalieri

It's been fun over the past few days writing about subjects that folks might actually want to read about... but, it's about time I got back to a subject nobody cares about, and very few people will bother to read: the #BizarroBreak!

This time out, we're featuring... oy, the Spectre.  Let's do it.

--

We open with a quick and dirty origin of the Jim Corrigan version of the Spectre... cop killed by gangsters, becomes a spirit of vengeance... yadda, yadda.  We then jump over to the Police Station, where rookie cop Terry Noonan is getting his bearings.  He's really quite excited to be a part of the force... perhaps, a little too excited, as it would appear that his gleeful exuberance has gotten the attention of... well, Detective Jim Corrigan, who claims to be in the middle of thinking of new ways to fight crime.  Fair enough.  Our boy Terry is warned to keep his distance from grumpy ol' Jim.

Jim rushes across the precinct with his three-ring binder... and is rather perturbed to find that Danny O'Keefe (perhaps an office manager?) had failed to order him a new three-hole punch!  And so, the Spectre exacts his revenge by punching three-holes of his own into Danny's torso!

Much of the rest of this story follows this same routine... minor office faux pas are responded to with strict and severe Spectre-y vengeance.  It's cute, well-drawn... but, there ain't much more to it.

Like, seriously... this goes on for a few pages.

Finally, Terry Noonan has the revelation that: Jim Corrigan must be the Spectre!  That is, until Jim himself screws with the kid's head to make him change his mind.

We wrap up with all the officers clocking out for the day, and heading across the street for drinks at the Ringside Pub.  Corrigan digs through his drawers, finds his "Rookie of the Year" plaque, and laments the fact that it sucks being dead.

--

Well, I really liked the art in this!  And, ya know... the story wasn't really that bad either... it just ran for probably twice as many pages as the gag actually needed to make its point.  Then again, I'm not exactly sure what "point" this one was trying to make.  Feels more like a series of "funny, ha-ha's"... and a wraparound at the end to let us know that ol' Corrigan doesn't like being dead.

So... well, uh... what else is there to say?  The art was nice!  Got a very Darwyn Cooke-y vibe from Craig Thompson's work here.  It's been awhile since I read Blankets (which I remember enjoying quite a bit), and totally didn't realize this was the same fella until I popped him into Google a minute ago.  I'd probably say that this entire story is worth it to check out how Thompson plays with taking the Spectre's vengeance to its "literal" extreme.

Next Bizarro Break: Hal Jordan... back on Oprah?!