X-Lapsed, Episode 157 - X-Men #17 (2021)

X-Lapsed, Episode One Hundred Fifty-Seven

X-Men (vol.5) #17 (March, 2021)

"Empty Nest"

Writer - Jonathan Hickman

Pencils - Brett Booth

Inks - Adelso Corona

Colors - Sunny Gho

Letters - VC's Clayton Cowles

Design - Tom Muller

Edits - Bissa, White, Cebulski

Cover Price: $3.99

On-Sale: January 27, 2021

In what might be the perfect "April Fools" issue yet - the X-Men go back to space and deal with some Shi'ar stuff - because, of course they do!  I just hope they don't get in the way of Smasher's overwhelming awesomeness!

Also: The Mailbag makes it's triumphant return, along with our discussion of the X-Book Solicitations for books hitting shelves in May, 2021!  Spoiler Alert: It's another eXpensive month.

--

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Flash Forward #6 (2020)

Flash Forward #6 (April, 2020)
"Chapter Six: Nothing Ever Ends"
Script - Scott Lobdell
Pencils - Brett Booth
Inks - Norm Rapmund
Colors - Luis Guerrero
Letters - ALW's Troy Peteri
Associate Edits - Ben Meares
Edits - Paul Kaminski
Group Edits - Ben Abernathy

We've finally made it.  Welcome to the end of, what has surprisingly been probably the most soul-sapping week ever at Chris is on Infinite Earths.  Gotta say, I really wasn't expecting this series to affect me quite like this.  Hell, I didn't think I'd ever even look at issues #2-6!

I don't think there's ever been a series of comics that caused me to reflect so hard on my comics fandom/habit... I'm actually to the point where I'm not sure I have anything left to say about DC Comics!

Anyhoo, before I rattle off into a 45-minute pre-ramble, let's get past the dashes and into the book.  Again, no Snickers ad... but, if you enjoyed DC's dollar-store Young Adult books yesterday, we've got a couple more for ya today!

Oh, my descent into madness will be documented on the Collected Editions Page if you're interested in seeing it all unfold "in real time"!

Also, it's Easter Sunday... so, Happy Hoppy, Gang!

--

We open on that doomed planet of Wally West's creation.  He and his kids are sharing a "meal" of S'mores... which, might be touching... if only we haven't had it beaten into our heads for the past decade that this relationship doesn't matter.  They have the sorts of chats kids have with their dads... before the tickle-monster shows up once again.  The Last Supper is interrupted by the arrival of... the Mobius Chair.

Elsewhere, Tempus Fuginaut... pontificates.  I mean, who thought this character was a good idea?  His design sucks, he's boring... and doesn't DC already have enough of this sort of character?  I'm not even going to waste my time snapping a picture of this guy here.  Instead, we'll rejoin the Wests as they're setting up camp for the night.  After the kids fall asleep, Wally exits the tent and looks at the Mobius Chair.

Tempus arrives to, once again, instill in Wally the importance of "letting go" of this planet... as in, ya know... destroying the thing.  Also, taking his rightful seat in the Mobius Chair... for, reasons?  Ya see, once Wally sits down, he'll be made like hyper-conscious... his head will be full of so much information, he'll forget all about Linda and the children... there simply won't be any room left in his brain for them!  So... a Wally sorta-kinda Lobotomy... that's what we've all been begging for, right?!  All us Wally fans just wanna see him as an empty-husk!

Wally agrees to do the thing... but first, insists that Tempus return Jai and Iris back to Linda.  Tempus agrees.  We then learn that the "Tempus Rod" Wally's been carrying around with him to beat back the darkness was... powerless, ya see... the power was always inside of him!  Aw.  Good thing we're just about to ruin the character forever, innit?

And then... just as Wally's about to accept his fate... the kids wake up!  They go to run toward their dad... but, Tempus' giant mitt grabs them before they can get close enough.

Then... Wally sits in the chair, and his costume turns blue.

We get several (too many) pages of swirly cosmos stuff while Tempus and the tots look on.  Then, *poof*... we're on Earth-0... which is to say, the real DC Earth.  Ya know, the post-Crisis/pre-Flashpoint one.  There, Linda Park (not Linda West?) is on the phone with her producer, when suddenly... memories come flooding back to her.  She remembers Wally and the kids... and, looking out her window, she sees those kids come home.  They embrace... which, again... would be touching, if I had any confidence that we'd ever see these characters again.

We rejoin Wally... and his baby-blue narration, as he says... "We are Wally West", before quickly correcting himself with, "We were Wally West"............... annnnnnd, screw this.

Oh, and we wrap up with the revelation that not-Wally now has the... Doctor Manhattan symbol on his forehead!  Oooh, Watchmen stuff... c'mon gang, let's all forget the fact that DC already crapped the bed on all'at and squeeeeeeee!  Screw this book.

--

There we have it.  One man's descent into comic book madness... where I came out the other end so disgusted and disinterested, I don't even think I need to bother with the Kubler-Ross stages of grief.  DC Comics did it... they made me stop caring.  With one fell swoop, I feel like I now have no more reason to continue supporting them.

Really... is it any wonder comic shops are hurting so bad these days?  If this is the kind of bullcrap the big two are going to peddle?  Who is this story for?  Is it just for the people who constantly give Tom King "10 out of 10" reviews (while further rendering words like "genius" and "brilliant" absolutely meaningless) so he retweets them on Twitter?  Is it just for Dan Didio himself?  I can't imagine any actual Flash fans reading this, and coming away from it full of hope for the future of these characters.

Ya see, we've all been there for "big changes" to our favorite characters.  We've seen Superman go electric-blue, Wolverine had his Adamantium skeleton forcibly sucked out, Batman's been broken, Hal Jordan lost his damned mind... but, with characters like that... ya know, the "money" ones... it's never in doubt that the "status quo" will eventually return.  With Wally West though?  DC have already shown us that they find this character to be nothing more than a "problem" needing to be solved.

There's a pattern of behavior here... and, I'm not confident we'll ever see a return to old Wally.  There are a number of reasons for that.  First, DC just isn't interested... and would rather further legitimize That B*tch Heroes in Crisis than actually protect the integrity their characters.  Second, I'm honestly not sure this industry (print comics, that is) has quite enough time left in it to correct course.  Right now, DC is far more interested in the little lightning bolt logo on the Flash's costume, than whoever might be under the mask.

Oh!  I should probably talk about the issue, right?  It wasn't great.  In fact, this entire miniseries could have been told (if indeed it had to be), in one over-sized special, rather than eating up six-full issues (and a half-year of readers' time).  Nothing that happened in the first-half of this series mattered.  A waste in every way possible.  Can't (and won't) lay the blame on Lobdell or Booth though... they did their best with what they were given. 

Anyhoo... with all that doom and gloom spouted... I apologize if this week of coverage has been a bit "heavier" than my usual fare here.  Thanks for reading... I'll see ya 'round!

--

Interesting Ads:

Flash Forward #5 (2020)

Flash Forward #5 (March, 2020)
"Chapter Five: Reunion"
Script - Scott Lobdell
Pencils - Brett Booth
Inks - Norm Rapmund
Colors - Luis Guerrero
Letters - ALW's Troy Peteri
Associate Edits - Ben Meares
Edits - Paul Kaminski
Group Edits - Ben Abernathy
Cover Price: $3.99

It's penultimate issue time... and, woof.  What started out as a cathartic experience for me has devolved into nothing but pain and regret.  Oh boy, just one day left!

Oh!  No Snickers ad this time out... but we do have plenty of dollar-store looking DC young adult graphic novels!

--

Did you know that Wally West received his powers in a very similar fashion as Barry Allen?  Well, if you didn't before... the opening splash page here will give you the goods!  Yes, the entire first page is wasted on an image of Wally getting smothered in electrified chemicals.  Then, we jump to a two-page spread of Tempus Fuginaut walking us through all of Wally's histories... a page that normally would get me pretty excited... but, today?  Ehh.  The camera pans out, and we see that Tempus is sitting in proximity to... the Mobius Chair!

Back at the Cusp of the Multiverse, or whatever, Wally and the Kids see that they're about to be overtaken by a wave of the Dark Multiversal Matter.  Jai and Iris insist that their daddy leave them there, but Wally ain't havin' it.  Before we know it, the tots are dressed in their superhero togs... and they're makin' like the wind.  Worth noting, Irie's outfit is basically Impulse's... that's because, before DC decided to flush their continuity in 2011... and also, before they wanted an "All-New, All-Different" Wally West to play Kid Flash, and finally before Bendis actually read a DC book (after they were paying him to) and found Bart Allen "bwah-ha-ha, funny"... li'l Iris was going to go by the moniker.

While they run, Wally is flashed back to the "beginning"... he and Linda are spooning in bed... and the babies are having trouble getting to sleep.  Wally heads over to the crib to pick up Irie, and promises that he'll always be there for her.  This would be touching if I felt, for even a second, that this was worth investing any emotion into.

Then... same as it ever was, Wally is spat out of his fantasy.  He finds himself at the foot of Fuginaut.  The giant Tempus informs him that he must destroy the planet on which his children currently reside.  Frustrated by this entire endeavor (glad I'm not the only one), our man attacks the stupid golden geek.

Dark Multiversal Matter surrounds the entire planetoid... and so, Wally zig-zags all over the orb with his Tempus Rod trying to beat back the darkness.

He runs himself silly... but, it's of no use.  Wally is stopped hard by a strange force... and when he regains his bearings, realizes he is stood before... the Mobius Chair.

Wanting some answers, Wally approaches the seat... in another two-page spread.  I'm tellin' ya, if comic fans are cool with this, I don't wanna hear anybody complaining about the "Image Guys" pin-up page-wasters anymore.

Then... Wally knows everything he needs to know.  He doesn't share anything with us yet... but, he has reached a level of self-awareness... in another, nearly full-page splash.

We wrap up with Tempus telling Wally that he didn't learn anything he didn't already know... he was just choosing not to accept it.  We learn that Wally was responsible for the creation of the planet where Jai and Irie have been... and that's why he's the only one who can destroy it.  Wally refuses... and, mercifully, the chapter ends.

--

You win, DC Comics!  Through your inability to tell a story and seeming determination to tear down everything that made your brand special... you've made me stop caring!  I mean, look at that opening bit... with all the Wally histories... normally, that would've (in wrestling-fandom parlance) "popped" me huge!  I'd have been so psyched to see something like that.  Now, though?  I feel like all of my caring has been beaten out of me.  Why should I be invested in any amount of history, when DC Comics (and its "architects") are so insistent on hand-waving as much of it away as possible?

The story presented in this issue ought to be one of great trauma and urgency... it's a father desperately trying to save his children.  He's willing to do anything and everything to ensure their safety and survival... annnnnd, in my opinion, it misses the mark horribly.  There are no stakes here... because... check this out, DC... you've spent the past five years showing us that Wally's "reality" was nebulous at best.  Why should we now mourn something that we've been told, in not so many words, not to count on ever coming to pass?  The people who care about Wally... we mourned the loss of his reality nearly a decade ago.  Then... again when you crammed that other Wally West down our throats.  Then... a third time when you brought an incomplete version of the real-deal back in Rebirth.  Then... a fourth time during That B*tch Heroes in Crisis.  There's only so many times I'm going to touch the hot stove before I realize that a) it hurts, and b) I probably ought to stop.  I might be denser than most, but... eventually even we addicts come to the realization that there must be a better way.

In closing, I think Wally himself put it best when he said...

--

Interesting Ads:

Flash Forward #4 (2020)

Flash Forward #4 (February, 2020)
"Flash of Two Worlds"
Script - Scott Lobdell
Pencils - Brett Booth
Inks - Norm Rapmund
Colors - Luis Guerrero
Letters - ALW's Troy Peteri
Associate Edits - Ben Meares
Edits - Paul Kaminski
Group Edits - Ben Abernathy
Cover Price: $3.99

Couple'a observations before we begin.  First: Scott Lobdell has been credited only for the "Script" this entire time... which might absolve him a bit from this debacle.

Also... check it out... two new editors, four issues into a six-issue miniseries!  Does it get more "Afterthought" than that?  I mean, this is supposed to be a "straw that stirs the drink" sort of series, right?  To drop it into another editor's lap halfway through does not speak much to how much DC cared about it.  Which begs the question... why in all hells am I still wasting my time with it?

Uhhh... I don't have an answer to that.

Welp, least there's a(nother) Snickers ad!

--

We open at Wally's house, and it's early in the morning.  He is attacked by... well, his kids... it's tickle-monster time!  Linda enters the bedroom with some breakfast in bed for her hubby... the kids bust out of the room before the "gross" breakfast date can begin.  Wally and Linda embrace talking about just how perfect their life together is... and, then... well, the other show drops.  Wally's world is suddenly smothered in that Dark Matter... and, in an instant, his whole world disappears.

We next join Wally embroiled in a battle with... yawn... SuperDemon-Etrigan.  Yeesh, Vampires last issue... the friggin' Demon this issue?  If this isn't a recipe for disinterest, I don't know what it is!  He deduces that the "perfect day" with the family was nothing more than a memory... that is to say, it didn't just happen.

As Wally's being choked out, we flash back to a little earlier at the Incursion Point.  We actually get an illustration of just what is going on here... the Dark Matter is attempting to merge Earths.  Not sure if that was made clear earlier on... or, if I was just too dense/too disinterested to catch on.  The Dark Matter is joining Earths in the Multiverse (which would account for President Superman and the Fake-Ass Avengers occupying the same space back in Chapter Two.  Anyhoo, the two Earths we're dealing with now are Earth-13 and Earth-32.  Which ones are they?  Who cares!  It's just more weak, half-assed interchangeable alterna-Earths that don't matter in the slightest!

In the "present", the Metas from both Earths... well, they fight.  It eats up a few pages, including a two-page spread... which speaks a bit to the fact that this story does not require a half-dozen issues to be told.  Anyhoo, while the fight commences, Etrigan shakes the stuffing out of Wally... causing him to drop his Tempus-Rod-Thingie.  Lucky for him, Lightspeed is nearby to pick the thing up!  Wally vibrates out of the Demon's grip to check in with his alternate Earth wife.

So yeah, Lightspeed.  This is the Linda Park of Earth-23... and I think this might be her first appearance.  She's easy to conflate with other speedsters though, considering nearly every Flash story from the past decade has to do with Barry either teaming or fighting with a brand new speedster.  That's not a sign that DC Comics has no idea what to do with the Flash, is it?  Nahhh... couldn't be!  Anyhoo, Wally and Linda have this weird half-flirt.  By that, I mean Wally tells Linda she's his wife... and she is weirded out, since this is the first time they've met.  Standard stupidity.

The Speedster-Spouses decide to team up and fight back the darkness... and whattayaknow, they do!

When the job's done, Lightspeed suggests she and Wally maybe consider getting together.  Wally turns her down, claiming there's only one woman for him.  He still gives her a big ol' kiss though!

Our man goes running (back into the Quantum Leap Accelerator)... and finds himself at... that place on the Cusp or whateverthehell... with the Mount Rushmore of people he'd killed in that dunderheaded Heroes in Crisis... because, lest we forget... he killed a bunch of folks in that sham-show of a "story"!  Here's the thing, gang... up until this point, we actually had some pages of Wally smiling!  This actually felt... albeit fleetingly... like a Wally West Flash story!

Anyhoo... we're at Mount Rushmore, which means Jai and Irie are there too!  We have, what could've/should've been a touching father and child reunion... but, I feel like I'm punch-drunk at this point, so it all falls flat.

We wrap up with Irie quoting her favorite Kidd Video song... You Better Run!

--

I tell ya what, gang... I never expected this little series to make me so introspective.  Over the past few days of covering this, I've had many conflicted emotions... on one hand, I was happy to finally be dipping into my recent backlog... if for no other reason, to justify the thousands of dollars I've spent on these things over the past couple years.  On the other hand, though... I'm sorta feeling like a thawed-out caveman... and this "new world" is something I only sorta recognize.  And... I've only been "away" (as in not totally kept up) for a relatively brief time.

I started to think about why I still do this.  Why do I still fill out my monthly order at DCBS?  Is it simply out of habit?  Am I afraid that these books will actually become "good" at some point, and I'll have missed out?  Have comics just become my "security blanket"?  Something I, for better or worse, can "count on" month after month?  Maybe it's all of that.  Or maybe my head is completely up my ass at this point.

One theory that hit me sort of like a bag of bricks, was... I'm trying to have the best of both worlds here.  In continuing to buy these things, I can tell myself that I'm "keeping up" in a way... sorta making good on whatever "contract" I've made with myself.  Does that make sense?  Maybe not... I dunno, I'm trying not to be too self-indulgent here.

Now, in not actually reading these new books... the characters I love so much are kind of "stuck in amber", ya know?  They're just how I last remember them.  I don't have to accept all of the ego-fueled BS that "superstar" writers have put them through in order to raise their own value.  Quick note, I have not read a single issue of Superman or Action Comics since Bendis used one of the two tricks he has up his sleeve (because he only has two...), and revealed the secret identity.  So, in MY canon, the ID hasn't been revealed.  It's a weird line to draw, I understand... and it's a weak as hell attempt at, I dunno, "plausible deniability"... but, it's all I've got.

So, I still buy this garbage... month after month.  I can tell myself I'm "keeping up" without having to acknowledge anything that's actually happening in the books.  Does that make even a lick of sense?  It sounded good in my head...

Anyhoo... let's look at this issue, in brief, so y'all can get to the Snickers ad.

This issue... wasn't all that bad.  For a brief moment there, it actually felt like I was reading a Wally-Flash story.  Things were bright and hopeful... Wally was smiling.  We had things explained to us, so we could actually figure out some of the purpose of fighting back the Dark Multiversal Matter.  This was probably the strongest issue yet... though, that really isn't a high bar to reach.

Then... WHAM - we're smacked in the face by Heroes in Crisis.  A little aside... I don't know if anyone reading this has watched that Tiger King series on Netflix... I'm assuming at least some have.  In it, the "star" Joe Exotic was feuding with a woman named Carole... and, he couldn't actually say her name without prefacing with "That B*tch"... so, you'd hear "That B*itch Carole" a lot.  I feel like anytime I say Heroes in Crisis, I want to preface it the same way... That B*tch Heroes in Crisis.

So yeah, Wally's smacked upside the head by That B*tch Heroes in Crisis, just to remind us why we're here.  There will be no smiles... there will be no carefree adventure... there will be no hope.  Welp, lemme tell ya... that "no smiles" mandate is contagious.  I'm certainly not smiling after setting this book down... and I doubt many are.

--

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Flash Forward #3 (2020)

Flash Forward #3 (January, 2020)
"Chapter Three: Freefall"
Script - Scott Lobdell
Pencils - Brett Booth
Inks - Norm Rapmund
Colors - Luis Guerrero
Letters - ALW's Troy Peteri
Associate Edits - Harvey Richards
Edits - Paul Kaminski
Group Edits - Jamie S. Rich
Cover Price: $3.99

Before we get into it, if you're here to see a Snickers ad... I'm happy to report that we've got one!  Also, a cute Svengoolie strip to boot!

So... who's ready for some more cranky and curmudgeonly Chris?

Nobody?  Well, please read on anyway...

--

We open on Earth-43 in... the place that used to be Gotham City (what is this, Convergence?).  We've got a bunch of civilians being dropped from a cruise ship that hovers around a mile over the city... and Wally does his darnedest to give them all a safe landing.  One of the women he saves says she's glad he's not "one of them".  What "them", you ask?  Well, looks like we're going to be dealing with... Vampires.  Oh Puke.

Wally fights off Vampire Superman (who is far less cool than President Superman, but just as cringy to actually call by name)... when suddenly, he's attacked by Vampire Barry Allen!  We can spy that someone is watching these fights go down from a distance through some crosshairs.

The Flashes fight... and run... and fight... and run, for a bit until Wally notices that Barry's head looks a lot like his good (dead) friends, Gnarrk, then Roy Harper!  Seeing this immediately takes our man off his game, and opens up an opportunity for Barry to take the upper hand.

When it looks as though Barry's just about to land the killing blow... er, bite... he's struck down by like a dozen red arrows!  Before going "fwoosh" into a puff of smoke, Barry thanks Wally for putting him out of his misery.

Who he ought to have thanked, however, was the fella who shot all dem arrows... any guesses who that might've been?  I mean, you've seen the cover, right?

Of course, it's Roy Harper.  He and Wally share some uncomfortable introductions before deciding that, if they're going to take down the Justice League of Vampires, it'd be best for them to work together.  They hop into the Speedy-Mobile, and head off in the direction of the Batcave to take on the big-bad.  Along the way, Wally shares some of his Roy's history, but doesn't actually come clean about having killed him in that horrible piece of crap story a year prior.

After vibrating through a rock wall, they finally manage to gain access the Batcave... and whattayaknow, it's just loaded with that nebulous Dark Multiversal Matter!

Wally in't shaken... he knows that his handy-dandy Tempus Rod will take care of bidness here.  Unfortunately, no sooner does he unsheath the thing (from wherever it might've been sheathed), than it's whacked with a 'rang!  Vampire Batman ain't keen on these interlopers... well, interloping.

As Wally goes off to chase his rod... Batman swoops down and delivers a fatal slash to Roy's gut!

By the time the Bat turns his attention to Wally, he's already re-procured the rod.  He delivers a blast to the Bat... and, ya know, saves the day.

Wally then attends to Roy... who is fading fast.  He can't help but to feel responsible, because... lest we forget, people dying is Wally West's only defining character trait these days!  I'm glad there are so many "genius-level" writers out there these days to inform our opinion on these legendary characters... while giving back nothing.

--

Full disclosure... these (so far) three issues of Flash Forward are the only "current year-ish" DC Comics I've read in... probably six months.  With every single panel I read it'd become more and more clear to me that, maybe this just isn't for me anymore.

I mean, has there ever been such an agenda-laden character-assassination of a beloved character than this in comics?  I used to look at Marvel as being ridiculously adversarial toward its readership/customer base... but, the way Didio's DC has handled Wally West?  It's almost like a "screw you" to the readers on every single page.  Am I being a bit too precious here?  Maybe.  Am I projecting?  Likely.  But, I can't apologize for the way this series (and the garbage fire that led to it) makes me feel.

Let's go back just four years ago... DC Universe: Rebirth.  It was, for fans of DC Comics, a dream come true.  A sign that it was "safe" to come home again... without telling the fans of The New-52! that they were "no longer wanted" (like the way Flashpoint told all of us to "screw off").  It was a "best of all worlds" situation... and the embodiment of all of that was, the return of Wally West.  Well... talk about a Monkey's Paw wish, right?  What we didn't notice back in ye old 2016 was, that paw was giving us a big ol' middle finger!  When looking back at how he's been treated over the past half-decade, I'm can say with 100% certainty that Wally West was better off in limbo.

Over the course of these three issues, Wally has told people not to refer to him as "a symbol of hope", pretty much flushing the entire mandate of his return in the first place.  He can't go more than a few panels without stopping to think about how he killed a bunch of his friends.  This isn't Wally West.  This isn't fun to read.  This is a situation where you go hunting (not that I've ever hunted)... and instead of "cleanly" shooting a deer in the head, you get it in the throat... and have to watch it slowly and painfully writhe and gurgle itself to death.  Heroes in Crisis was the bullet... Flash Forward is the "writhing death gurgle".

Nothing against Scott Lobdell, who is still one of my very favorite writers... and is largely responsible for my several decades of superhero fandom in the first place (which makes us both sound ancient)... but, he's playing the cards he was dealt.  Sucks for him that for this hand of Poker, he was dealt UNO cards.

That all having been said... this wasn't great.  This felt like a Convergence tie-in, which is to say, it felt 100% pointless, drawn out, and a complete waste of time.  It only served to have Wally come face-to-face with "a" Roy so he could act all guilty and nebulously remorseful around him.  It's almost appropriate that this was Roy, since... there was a story a fifty years ago that led to dictating the way he'd been characterized ever since.  Didja know Roy did heroin?  They might've mentioned that once or twice over the past half-century.  Also, didja know Wally killed a bunch of his friends?  They might've mentioned that once or twice per panel in this issue!

All I'm left with right now is... wondering why I'm still preordering so many DC Comics month after month?  What a waste.

--

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