Impulse #34 (1998)

Impulse #34 (February, 1998)
"The Devonian Age"
Writer - William Messner-Loebs
Pencils - Craig Rousseau
Inks - Barbara Kaalberg
Letters - Chris Eliopoulos
Colors - Tom McCraw
Editor - Paul Kupperberg
Cover Price: $1.95

It's the Second Day of Christmas on Infinite Earths... and, wouldja lookit what we've got here!  Bart Allen frantically rocking around the Christmas Tree opening gifts... looks like we're in for a treat today!

You'd think that... right?

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We open, and it's excitement right out of the gate!  Impulse and Max Mercury are... setting up Max's new Fax Machine.  Try and contain yourselves, I dare ya!  When the going gets too tough (which is to say, too boring) Bart rushes off to school.  Later that afternoon, he's helping Mr. Sheridan hang up a banner for the New Year's Dance... which, I mean... shouldn't be nearly as involved as they're making it seem here... it's like a, two... maybe four thumbtack job at most.  Sheridan's using a chair to reach where he wants the banner hung, which is evidently a "non-approved appliance" per the rules of the school.

We get some pretty lame physical comedy here, as Sheridan is spooked off the seat, but before he hits the ground, Bart zips a bunch of chairs in place.  Nobody can quite figure out what just happened... but before they can ask any questions, Bart's whisked away by Max Mercury... who'd already received his first fax!

Turns out, there's some weird goings-on at Area 52 the Speedsters need to look into.  I dunno about you all, but this kinda thing really makes me feel like it's Christmas!  Upon arrival at Area 52, the fellas are faced with some goofs in hazmat suits.  Bart doesn't wait for Max to concoct a plan... and just charges in.  The hazmatters then pop outta sight, leading to Bart crashing right into Max, kayoing the both'a dem!

They wake up a little later only to find themselves trapped in a dome.  It can only be... Brainiac!  Well, no... it's actually Dr. Julian Tremain, the Master of Time and Space!  Yeah, him... in the flesh!  Okay, okay... this is the first of this fella's two appearances.

Bart informs the Doc that, duh, he can vibrate out of the dome anytime he pleases... and that's exactly what he does... which, as it turns out, is exactly what Tremain was hoping for!  Bart charges... and as his Speed Forceyness kicks in, the Doc's assistant blasts him with a beam!  The four fellas vanish!

We pick back up with Bart and Max... in the Devonian Age!  Shockingly this is not an age where everyone is named "Devon" (though, that would be a good guess)... it's actually a time period that started 419.2 Million Years back (give or take)... and ran until 358.9 Million Years ago (again, give or take).  It's considered to be a link between lobe-finned fish and early amphibians and is named after Devon, England where rocks from this era were initially studied.  Learn something new every day!

Bart thinks this is pretty cool... and decides he might wanna run amok for a bit, seeing the entire world before man set foot on it and what-not.  Max nyoinks him back by the collar, and tells him to cool his jets.  After all, even stepping on a single grasshopper could have effects that change the very fabric of human existence.

Bart is cool with staying put, and as Max continues to pontificate, he crafts a crude fishing rod to catch some supper.  Max, of course, flips out at this notion.  Which leads to Bart's next question... are they just supposed to starve to death?  Max considers the options... and realizes that could be just as bad for the future of the world and humanity... their corpses would release bacteria that could be detrimental to the ecosystem... seems they're in a lose-lose situation here!

While they mull it over, the scent of roasting fish interrupts their trains of thought.  Turns out, Dr. Tremain and his assistant have no such qualms over mucking about in the ecosystem... they've started a fire, and they're dining on fish!  Bart and Max figure... heck, the fish are already dead, and the fire's already lit... might as well dig in!

Tremain informs the Speedsters that he never thought up a way home... and is totally cool with the idea that he'll just be the first ever ruler of the world.  Seems like something to hang your hat on, I guess.  The only way out of this, it would seem, is if something happened in the past that stopped future-Tremain from concocting the plan to go back in time in the first place!  Bart swats at a mosquito... and wouldn'tcha know it, we're suddenly back in the present!

But... it's a very different present!  Instead of hanging a banner for the New Year's Dance, Mr. Whatshisface is hanging a banner in honor of World President For-Life Tremain!

The rules of the school are fact more strict... but not terribly interesting.  We wrap up with Bart walking outside, only to find Max Mercury locked up in the stocks... looks like their actions in the past are haunting them in the present!

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Dunno about you guys, but that made me feel like Christmas!  Arright, arright... that's not the first "Christmas book" we've discussed that forgot to include Christmas.  You can take a look at last year's discussion of The Spirit #13 (2008) for something similar... a really neat Holiday-themed cover, with no holly-jolly to be had on the inside.  If you really wanna see Impulse himself celebrate (in a not-so-hot story), you can take a look at the discussion on Impulse #45 (1999) from two-years back.

So yeah, as a Christmas story... this issue fails.  As a non-Christmas story... iiiiiiiit's still not great shakes.  I can get down with "Butterfly Effect" stories, and time-travel can always be a bit interesting... but this just didn't do it for me.  I mean, if you're playing with time-travel and you've got a Christmas cover... you'd almost expect Impulse to witness the first Christmas or something.  Ehh, whattayagonnado?

This book often tries using "physical" comedy as it's hook... but, the set-ups are just so hokey and contrived here.  Early on with Sheridan hanging the banner was pretty lame... and the result, with them all just sitting in chairs that weren't there a second ago... feels a little too Bugs Bunny for me... and, where Bugs could get away with it, a kid trying to keep a secret identity really can't.

Worth noting, the Speedsters head to Area 52, an obvious play on Area 51... but, I mean, DC does have that odd fetish with the number "52"... we've seen signs of it even pre-Flashpoint (and pre-Fifty-Two)... makes me wonder if one day, someone might try and connect all of the off-handed mentions of the number into a meta-story.  Hmm... think I'll file that in my "good bad ideas" pile.

Overall... yeah, this one's a "pass".  I'd say if you come across it in a quarter-bin, it might be worth it for the cover.  Sadly, there's not much more to recommend other than that.

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On the Second Day of Christmas on Infinite Earths, I gave to you, Impulse #34, and a Flash (vol.2) #73 Discussion and Review.

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Impulse #45 (1999)

Impulse #45 (February, 1999)
"The Christmas Impulse!"
Writer - William Messner-Loebs
Penciller - Craig Rousseau
Inker - Barb Kaalberg
Letterer - Janice Chiang
Colorist - Tom McCraw
Separations - Jamison
Assistant Editor - L.A. Williams
Editor - Paul Kupperberg
Cover Price: $2.25

Day 6 - Twelve Days of Christmas on Infinite Earths - Impulse - Let's Go!

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We open up with Max Mercury killing time while he heals up after having been shot on Halloween.  The monotony is cripplingly boring.  Luckily, after a while he is visited by... Impulse with boobs?  What?  Oh, it's actually Impulse's mother, Meloni... from the future!  She really does just look like a female Bart, though.

The pair chat a bit in Interlac until the notice that a crime is currently taking place at the bank... the, get this, Green Cigarette and his gang are currently robbing the joint.  Max is worried that Bart will get wind of this and head over straight away.

... and he does!  However, before he do a whole lot, his speed powers trigger an earthquake, which causes the bank to start coming apart.  At this point, civilians and villains alike look out for each other's best interests and safety... it's as though they'd been affected by the Christmas Impulse!  Why, the baddies even decide to reform... and the bank manager refuses to press charges!  Whaaaa?

Once that's all set, Bart returns home... and reunites with his mother.  We learn that Meloni is planning on staying at Max's (daughter's) pad for the next three weeks... which doesn't really make anyone all that happy.  There's a bit of a to-do, which ends with Bart running off...

... to the Janitor's closet at school.  Hmm, okay.  Anyhoo, the Guidance Counselor pops his head in and Bart sorta-kinda lets it slip that he might just be Impulse... and his uncle Max Crandall is actually Max Mercury.  Ya'd figure this would be a no brainer... I mean, look at Bart and Impulse's ridiculous hair for starters... and there really aren't all that many older fellas around named Max, right?

Luckily, this Guidance Counselor, Jasper Pierson doesn't have the brains God gave a peanut... as he calls Max to tell him that Bart "seems to believe" he's Impulse... hmm...

Max and the family all head up to the school for a role-playing session with the helpful Pierson.  He wants them to all facilitate Bart's delusions of heroics... and talk to him as though he really was Impulse.  Not really sure what good this might do the boy... even in theory... but, okey dokey... it'll move the story forward... in theory.

The main thing that comes out of this is that Bart is blaming himself for Max getting shot over Halloween.  Max gives him the skinny on what actually went down that night.  He did (literally) catch a bullet that was fired... but did not account for the possibility that their might be a second bullet in the muzzle.  That's the bullet that shot him.  It's not Bart's fault at all.  What's really crazy here is that Pierson is still clueless... even after Meloni goes off in Interlac... yeesh.

Before the Bart family can get all group-huggy, the Green Cigarette enters.  He wishes to hand over all of the profits he'd made from his life of crime over the past thirty-years... and so, hands over a check for $50.  Ya see, he never said he was all that great at being a criminal!  Nyuk.

The issue ends with Bart and Max walking home.  Along the way, Max gives Bart a hug... when asked if it was due to a Christmas Impulse, Max grumbles.  The End.

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Ehhh...

Often while I read (or reread) the issues I'm going to be discussing here, I get all excited about what I'm going to talk about.  I make little notes, and bullet point some of the things I want to make sure to include... sadly, this issue did not inspire me to do so.

This is in the fallout of Max Mercury being shot... we took a look at that issue back in October for our #boohauntedblog Halloween special... and that issue was... maybe a little less "ehhh" than this one... but still pretty blah.  

Really, not a whole lot goes down here... Impulse's mother shows up... looking like Impulse-with-boobs.  The Green Cigarette sees the error of his ways and decides to reform... and we get some weird role-play with the school guidance counselor... none of which, to me, was all that entertaining.  The art, is an acquired taste... and usually I'm down with Rousseau's work on this title... but here, it's really not all that great.  The faces look especially off, leaving the characters with almost ape-like visages.  Really quite unpleasant to look at.

Overall... if you're looking for a good Christmas story... look elsewhere.  If you're looking for a good Impulse story... look elsewhere.  I'd say this one is for completionists (of Christmas or Impulse comics) only.  Not worth tracking down.

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On the sixth day of Christmas on Infinite Earths, I gave to you... Impulse #45, Green Lantern (vol.3) #59!  Green Lantern (vol.3) #36, Superman (vol.2) #76, JSA #55, and a Batman and the Outsiders #19 Review...

Impulse #44 (1999)

Impulse #44 (January, 1999)
"All Hallows Gettin' Even"
Writer - William Messner-Loebs
Penciller - Craig Rousseau
Inker - Barbara Kaalberg
Letterer - Janice Chiang
Colorist - Tom McCraw
Assistant Editor - L.A. Williams
Editor - Paul Kupperberg
Cover Price: $2.25

Heyyy, it's Halloween in Manchester, what could possibly... well, ya know...

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Trick-or-Treat... it's Halloween night, and this being the DC Universe, we see that several of the neighborhood tots have taken to dressing up like their favorite superheroes... even the Golden-Age Sandman.  I mean, I love the character, but I dunno if a six-year old would share that opinion.  You gotta figure he was disappointed when he saw his friends in their bright colorful outfits... and his mom gave him a gas mask and gloves.  Anyhoo, the kids get their booty, and turn to leave... only to get heisted by some... and I say this as unironically as I can... street toughs... *snicker* okay okay... 

Meet the Tigers... and Evil Eye.  The Tigers are the *ahem* toughest gang-bangers in town.  There names are Raffles and Steelboy... Oh Lord, I'm not gonna be able to get through this... Evil Eye is sort of like a pledge to the gang... and is the son of the former supervillain Invisible Weapon.  As we opened our titanic tale, we learned that Evil Eye left home that evening wishing his father was dead.  Raffles tells Evil Eye he needs an "edge" if he ever wants to be a Tiger.  Well, our cyclopian friend's got "edge" for days.  He runs to his house, and digs out one of his dear ol' dad's pistols.

We return to the Junior League of Trickortreaters as they head to their next house... the home of Max Mercury.  Well, rather than hand out candy... he *plops* unwrapped popcorn balls in their bags.  It's pretty gross... they're sticky, they stink... and might just be filled with poison and/or razor blades... probably even hypodermic needles.  The kids are not pleased... even going as far as to suggest Max Mercury is a "perv".  Luckily... well, kinda luckily... Max's daughter Helen is there to hand out "fun" coupons... $5 off their next dental cleaning.

After the kids split, Max turns his attention to his young ward Bart Allen.  He calls to him, but he's busy playing with what looks like a Tiger Electronic game... hey, Tiger... Tigers... hmm... Anyhoo, Max and Helen try to get Bart into the Halloween spirit... after all, this is his first Halloween.  There is apparently a Halloween party at Bart's school... and the growed-ups are able to get him to go by telling him he can wear a "costume" and tell "secrets".  It doesn't dawn on them what this could mean until Bart's out the door.

And so... Bart bolts to school, decked out in his Impulse duds.  When he arrives, the first thing he does is announce that he is Impulse!  Luckily... at this Halloween party, there are about 45 Impulses already present.

We shift scenes to the local Save*Mart where there ain't a whole lot going on.  The proprietors lament the fact that the shop is empty, and celebrate that Halloween will soon be behind them.  Just as they wish something interesting would happen (famous last words, right?) a bunch of t-shirts appear to levitate and walk out of the store... b-b-but how?  Why, it was those lovable scamps, the Tigers.  I guess the gun Evil Eye stole was some sort of invisibility ray.  The geeks celebrate their thievery until they realize they left the store with t-shirts instead of cold hard cash.  I'm tellin' ya, they're hopeless.  Oh well, next stop the only other 24-hour joint in Manchester... Zimm-Zamm's.  Evil Eye seems a bit trepidatious.

Speaking of Zimm-Zamm's... let's go there.  Here we meet a pair of... I dunno, soda jerks?  Anyhoo... one of them is called Butler, and he is bragging about his son... straight A's, star athlete... you know the deal.  Max Mercury zips in and gets in Butler's face... nearly outing him as the former supervillain Invisible Weapon.  He tells him about the goings-on at the Save*Mart, and wants to make sure he's not involved.  Max is really kind of a jerk to this poor guy.  I mean, dude's wearing a paper hat... and Max is waggin' his finger in his face.

Well, Max is somewhat satisfied that Butler is innocent... and so he leaves.  As he leaves, Impulse enters... looking for something to eat... because he's Impulse.  Just then, the mighty Tigers approach their next heist.  After zapping Impulse with a slow-down ray they go invisible, and proceed to empty the cash register.  This is a rather stupid thing to do, as the man who designed the invisibility-thingie is standing right there... and he has a diddlybop on his keyring to negate the powers.  All the while here, Evil Eye is pleading with his gang-bangin' heroes not to hurt the burly soda jerk.

Boy is he surprised to see his son, Eddie "Evil Eye" Whatshisface dancing with Steelboy... while Raffles drops a stack'a dough.

The mighty Tigers don't pay any heed to their one-eyed pledge, and a sad little skirmish ensues.  Butler soundly beats down the punks, and soon finds himself staring into the business end of Steelboy's pistol.  He pulls the trigger... but a blue blur catches the bullet before it hits its target.

Max Mercury arrived just in the nick of time.  The effects of slow-down ray wear off, and Impulse quickly ties the Tigers down.  Just then, Superboy calls to remind him that he and Robin are waiting for him at the Hallow-Teen Party they are hosting at the community center.  Hmm, a Hallow-Teen Party... that takes place in Young Justice #3?  I think I just found our invite...

We wrap up with Impulse jamming Superboy-bound... and Max Mercury slumping to the ground in a puddle of blood.  He caught the bullet alright... but he appears to have done so with his chest!  Obviously we are... [to be continued...]

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Now this one could'a went one of two ways... and I was afraid it was heading down a direction I didn't wanna go.  For a moment, I really thought we were gonna do the "kid steals his parent's gun" route... which, we kinda did... with a supervillainy twist.  I was hoping the gun that ol' Evil Eye swiped was of the super-powered variety, though I couldn't quite tell with the stylized art.

Helluva twist ending here, right?  I remember the first time I read this one, I'd missed the last page.  Like I got to Impulse taking off to join up with Superboy and Robin, and for whatever reason just shut the book... it was a total shocker when I opened the next issue.  So, we still do get a shooting... but not from the gun I'd expected.

Now for the way to evade an awkward conversation in Detroit... howsabout dem Tigers, eh?  I mean, have you ever seen a geekier "gang"?  It would be adorable if it weren't so sad.  I mean... Raffles and Steelboy???  Come now... are these gang-bangers or pound-puppies?  And we open with them literally stealing candy from little kids... dudes be hardcore!

We get some Impulse naivete that could've outed his secret identity.  Luckily, Walmart Save*Mart had some wicked hot deals on Impulse costumes this year.  I really dug how pre-kneecapped-and-read-the-entirety-of-the-San-Francisco-Library Bart would take things literally.  Wear your costume... share secrets... sure!

A scene I particularly liked was with Invisible Weapon.  Here we have a... retired? supervillain, who from the looks of it is trying to start over.  Best he can do is working overnights at a sorta-grocery store, sorta-malt shoppe... and still if something goes down, he gets his chops busted.  You gotta feel for the poor guy... probably barely making minimum wage... I mean the man's wearing a damned paper hat here... just trying to keep on that straight and narrow, only to have Max Mercury up in your business.  That's gotta be rough.

Overall, fun issue of Impulse... most of them are.  I'll always say if you come across any odd issues of Impulse in the cheap-o bins, you could do far worse.  They're often a lot of fun, in that late-90's kinda way.  Anyhoo... I hear there's a Hallow-Teen Party going down, maybe we ought to crash it tomorrow!

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