X-Men Vignettes, Chapter Twenty (1988)

 

X-Men Vignettes #20 (1988)
"Mother of the Bride"
Writer - Jo Duffy
Art - John Bolton
Letters - Tom Orzechowski
Colors - Petra Scotese
Edits - Kavanagh, Nocenti, DeFalco
From: Classic X-Men #20 (April, 1988)

Here we are, back to physical media -- so's I don't have to try and sneak around my own (too rigid for my own good) rules... well, until Chapterrrrrr... 27, wuzzit? Now, that one I can't even say I own any physical version of... so, I may not be able to talk myself through!

Anyway, here we be -- back in the land of awful askew and drab iPhone camera pics, with that unmistakable Sheehan charm and skill. Hope we survive the x... well, you know.

Also, heard three of the sweetest words I'd ever been told yesterday -- "It's a cyst".

Let's Duffy!

--

Today's Vignette opens during the wedding of Storm and... well, he's got a mustache, but that certainly isn't Forge. Before we get all that much further in, this is gonna have some hippy-dippiness to it, lots of talk of "Mother Earth" of "Mother Nature"... hence the title of the bit, "Mother of the Bride". It's got a bit of X-Men Greeniness to it... but, will it manage to leave the same black stain on my soul as that piece of sh...err, litter? Let's keep goin' and find out. So, Storm's at the altar... and her friends (and some old bitty) are all here to watch her be wed. It might be worth noting that Duffy is doing her damnedest to evoke that "Claremontian" tone in the narration captions.

Suddenly, the entire scene devolves into something out of public access horror... or a wildly uncreative current year comic book -- everybody's a zombie! Well, everybody except Storm, that is. The putrefied versions of her friends start working their way toward her... with dark lust in their eyes. Ororo backs herself out of the chapel and manages to take flight.

Turns out, this is all some sort of a fever dream. Storm's actually sleeping it off in some tree house or something, like she's turn of the century Donna Troy. She notices that she's injured her arm... but cannot seem to remember quite how. We will find out soon enough. Now, Storm wakes up, yea? When she does, she is attacked by a Zombie Janitor named Jack. Well, his nametag says "Jack"... and we'll soon find out why such attention was paid to that portion of his jumpsuit. I mean, it's the only part of the thing that isn't shaded in -- so, it's gonna mean somethin', right?

Before long, Storm-in-the-present finds herself surrounded by an entire team of Zombie Janitors. Behind the lot of 'em stands... the dude she dreamed she was going to marry. Their eyes meet, and suddenly Ororo begins to remember. Now, we might all be paraphrasing that certain song by asking "Well, how did we get here?" -- so, howabout we hop into Flashback Land and find out?

We zip back to Storm enjoying a day off after a recent X-Men adventure. She's at a resort getting some Sun next to the "man-made concrete-lined hole in the ground", which, if I may translate from annoying-to-English, means "swimming pool". Nearby, she sees a crying older woman -- the same one we saw at the "wedding" a few pages back, asamattafact. Storm inquires as to what might be troubling the bitty, and finds out that she was married to a fella named Jack (oh?), who worked for Twelvetrees Chemicals. Twelvetrees, inventors and producers of a "metal substitute" had Jack working in their factory -- but, he died on the job, likely of some sort of chemical poisoning. Twelvetrees told the ol' lady (Alice Norton) that it would be too dangerous to release his body back to her... and, even too dangerous for her to have a viewing.

And so, we leave it to 'Ro. Before we know it, she's set up a meeting at Twelvetrees -- with Richard Twelvetrees himself. Richard is, duh, the mustachioed dream-groom. Storm chats him up about Jack Norton. He shows her the YK-23 Jack (and others) died working on. It's light as plastic, strong as steel -- and less expensive to produce than either. Just then, our Vignette writer sneezes and loses her place in the story -- so, we jump right ahead to Zombie Jack shambling into Twelvetrees' office. Richard is initially quite annoyed... but, his mood changes in an instant. He orders Jack to -- kill Storm! This... this is pretty rough.

Jack lunges at Storm, taking a big ol' bite out of her arm before she manages to take flight and escape. Somehow in between the time Jack lunges... and reaches Ororo, she has changed from her sharp business-casual skirt combo into her full X-Men costume -- tiara and all! Did Kurt let her use his Image Inducer or something? Oh well, Storm does escape -- and manages to keep herself collected until reaching the tree house, where she passes out.

That's "how we got here" -- so, howsabout we wrap this sucker up, eh? Storm is surrounded by the Zombie horde -- realizing she's been literally and figuratively backed into a corner. She's vowed never to take a life -- even that of a zombie, I guess. So, what is she to do? Well, turns out the question is about to be rendered moot -- because, ugh -- Mother Nature decides to intervene. The zombies are hit with bolts of lightning -- "killing" them. Storm escapes with her life, and didn't have to compromise her morals to do so. Well... hmm... we'll talk about that in the down below.

--

Okay, well this kinda sucked.

Has a bit of the X-Men Green stank on it -- which begs the question: Is it #worsethanxmengreen? [balki]of course not, don't be reedeekolous[/balki]. Nothing is worse than X-Men Green. I mean, this was bad -- and I never wanna read it again -- but, I think I'd rather tattoo this on the inside of my eyelids than ever subject myself to X-Men Green again.

I only really have one takeaway -- and I'm only seeing it thru squinted eyes. The ending of this story has Storm seemingly being "gifted" a gimme by Mother Nature. We know from future stories that Storm, moral/ethical code or not -- will do what needs done when the situation calls for it. She can be ruthless... and, as current year comics refuse to stop mentioning "is just as dangerous with or without her powers". But here -- she can't bring herself to "pull the trigger".

Or, at least that's how it looks, yes? Part All of me wonders if she may've unconsciously summoned the lightning to take out the zombies. Asamattafact, I read this for the first time while in the waiting room at the doctor's office. It wasn't as thorough a read as I usually give these things -- I was pretty uncomfortable, and really just reading to keep my mind off things. But, during that read, seeing these zombies taken out by lightning -- I just assumed Storm did it. It wasn't until my second read-thru that I noticed this weather-witchiness being attributed to Mother Nature. But, ya know what? I'm still not buyin' it. I think that Storm was pushed to her limits... was in a do or die situation, and chose to "do".

She can wrap that up as a "gift" from Mother Nature... if that'll help the medicine go down a bit easier, but if you ask me -- this was ALL Storm. Sure, this way she doesn't have to feel accountable -- but, I think this is a situation wherein she's just lying to herself. Could I be wrong? Of course... but, at the end of the day, it's not as though this story will ever be referenced again, right?

Overall, a bit of a stinker -- unevenly (and conveniently) told, probably the weakest Vignette to this point. Only worth a look for the Bolton art, which -- as usual, is a treat.

X-Men Vignettes, Chapter Eighteen (1988)

 

X-Men Vignettes #18 (1988)
"Stalking Life!"
Writer - Jo Duffy
Art - John Bolton
Letters - Tom Orzechowski
Colors - Petra Scotese
Edits - Kavanagh, Nocenti, DeFalco
From: Classic X-Men #18 (February, 1988)

Let's kick things off with a little bit of... baaaaaaad neeeeeews. Well, sorta -- I guess it all depends on your mileage. But, to follow up on a bit I shared a few chapters back -- I do not own Classic X-Men #19 (I'm also missing #'s 27, 30, and 35). I took a ride the other day trying to procure 'em (or at least #19), and... well, I was unsuccessful. I'm going to try and squeeze out a few minutes today and hit another shop or two, but I'm on WrestleMania alternative-commentary duty today for W2M (and have been all weekend), so I can't say with certainty that I'll even get to feel sunshine on my shoulders today!

So, let's say I can't find it -- where does that put us tomorrow? Uhh... I dunno. Honestly, this whole Vignette Project has been flying by -- I can't believe we're like halfway thru it! When I started, and realized I still needed a few of the issues - I had it in my head that it would take forever to get to them... and so, I had plenty of time to find 'em! I guess life's what happens when you stop paying attention, eh?

I guess we'll all be surprised tomorrow. And, by "all", I mean me -- and like 1-2 other people! Oh, you know I can't get thru a pre-ramble without at least one self-depreciating line about my own irrelevance!

For today though, we've got our first non-Claremont-written Vignette -- which, if I were a fella who used hashtags, would probably really hinder the visibility of this piece! Good thing I don't... I guess?

--

We open with the Jeanix somewhere deep in wooded area of the Xavier School grounds. She's all alone, and... well, that's x-actly how she seems to want it right now. She's set up camp... and is enjoying a little peace and quiet away from the onslaught of "them". We learn right away, however, that she isn't quite as alone as she thinks. In the foreground we see a knife-wielding voyeur checking out the scene. When the Jeanix heads over to a pond to fetch some dirty, bacterial water for her coffee, our would-be predator lunges! Unfortunately for him, she ducks. Fortunately for her, this attack paints him as being about half as smart as one of the Three Stooges.

This woodland stalker turns out to be... Wolverine. So, we're supposed to believe that this apex predator is going to be so sloppy a hunter? Well, in fairness -- Jean is the Phoenix, and the Phoenix's powers, abilities, and senses are -- convenient. Also, she's got different word balloons. As Logan turns around to face his quarry, she's now in her full green-n-gold glory, and speaking with a scary rasp to her voice. Our man tells her that he only followed her to make sure she was okay. Okay, fair enough -- when asked why he's chosen to "hunt" her, she responds that he just wanted to test her -- see how good she really is. I... don't think that would hold up in court. Wolvie reveals that he kept his thoughts "primal"... which I didn't realize was a power he had. This would (in theory) make it so the Jeanix would think he was just some random woodland critter. He was using a knife, so Jean wouldn't hear and SNIKTing. Well, Jean's a little too powerful to fall for any'a that -- and also, the fact that Banshee is hiding in a bush right over'chere didn't do much to help Logan's hunt.

Jean, Logan, and Sean chat for a bit. Jean reveals that this newfound Phoenix power can be overwhelming. There's a fear that comes with it -- the fear isn't exactly due to the power itself, but the staggering amount of options that the power presents. She can basically do anything. To further drive that point home, she TK-hurls the coffee pot at Banshee, and proceeds to lift the entire pond out of the ground so he can fetch a kettle'a scummy water.

Just then, however, we get another surprise guest -- Nightcrawler! He BAMFs in from "miles" away, and manages to scare the bejeezus outta the Jeanix! This causes her to lose focus... and control of that entire pond's worth of water, fish, and funk she's been holding up!

Over the course of the next couple'a pages... everybody and everything winds up... ya know, wet. We get a reminder here that Wolverine's got a metal skeleton, which makes me think this one was written while BIG Jim Shooter was still in the EiC seat. Logan razzes the Elf for screwing everything up -- to which, Kurt pleads that he had no idea Jean was holding up an entire pond. Stands to reason, yes? Nightcrawler remained several miles away so she wouldn't be able to read his thoughts or know that her teammates were planning to "test her".

The Jeanix is annoyed at the entire situation... which, ya know, is fair. Kurt suggests that Phoenix ought to have the ability to undo anything she does do... unless it has anything to do with asparagus. Okay, he doesn't say that last part. Anyway, we wrap up with Jeanix doing just that -- collecting all of the water and nastiness of the Xavier pond, and ploppin' it right back where she got it.

Our story closes with the fellas satisfied by the results of this "test" of Jean's new Phoenix powers... and a Saturday Morning Cartoon-ish gag about still needing to fetch some water for the coffee!

--

This was one of those stories that probably read a lot better back in the long ago. There's nothing actually "wrong" with it, and it's quite fun for what it is -- but, in the (nearly 40!) years since, Marvel has done such a number on what the Phoenix actually is/was -- that it's hard for me to really accept anything Phoenix-y at face value.

Maybe it's my own density... maybe it's my own "sins of the son" damage -- but, everything Marvel's done since... and their flip-floppy definition and characterization of the Phoenix... I dunno, it makes me wish fewer of our Vignettes were so hyper-focused on it. Honestly, there are only so many times I can complain about wibbly-wobbly and convenient continuity, and how it distracts from the actual story we're looking at before that loses whatever novelty it may've (but likely never) had.

So, let's do our best not to concern ourselves with any'a that... if we can.

This story, in a vacuum, was (as mentioned) pretty fun. I'm not sure it necessarily "stands to reason" that Logan, Kurt, and Sean would be trying to "test" Jean this way... but, it does facilitate the events that transpire. Boy, there's a sentence that means absolutely nothing, eh?

Yeah, I'm already in vamping mode -- lemme just lay it out. This was a fun story... if you don't think too hard about it... or what happened after. The lead-off story for this issue of Classix reprints X-Men #112, during which Jeanix goes toe-to-toe with Magneto... and loses. Perhaps this "testing" is due to that? Or, more likely, it's a harmless inventory story that I'm trying way too hard to "make fit".

Oh well - at's all I got. Fun story, excellent art -- probably worth the 3-4 minutes it'd take ya to read it! Probably not worth the 4-5 minutes you just spent reading this. Then again, ain't nothin' gonna make that worthwhile!