Ozzie Smith (1992)
"The Kid Who Could!"
Writer - Your Guess is as Good as Mine!
Pencils - Joe Staton & Angelo Torres
Inks - Mike DeCarlo
Alright gang, got something a little... well, a lot off the "beaten path" today. You know me, I have a weird love of the weird and novel things DC has produced. That might not always (or ever) translate into "views", but... dammit, it's a lot of fun.
Today, we're going to look at the first (of three) issues of "Tony's Sports Comics" from Kellogg's, Sports Illustrated, and DC Comics. These are going to be weird and obscure... and I haven't the foggiest idea who wrote, drew, colored, or lettered a single one of 'em! If you have any ideas about the creative team... or, if perhaps you are part of the creative team, please shoot me a line!
SAME-DAY UPDATE: Thanks to the intrepid readers for hunting down some more information on the creative team for this issue! Joe Staton and Angelo Torres provided pencils, while Mike DeCarlo was on inks. Still don't know who might've written this bugger though!
--
Our issue opens with a young fella named Peter having "part of a complete breakfast" with, I'm going to assume, his little brother. They're watching an... early-morning Cardinals game, you know Major League games usually start at 6 in the morning, right? I dunno, maybe they're playing in Japan or something. Anyhoo, out the window, Peter sees the other neighborhood kids gathering to play some ball themselves. He'd really like to be a part of this... and so, he shovels what's left of his Kellogg's Frosted Flakes down his gullet and heads outside to join in the frivolity. Only one problem with that... looks like the mastermind of the Neighborhood League, Andrew thinks that our Peter is too puny (wow, that's not a comfortable sentence to type out). Enter: A giant cat beast.
Turns out, as luck would have it, Tony the Tiger just so happened to be hanging out in St. Louis... and he's down to just hang out and watch some neighborhood kids play ball for a few hours. Anyhoo, after the game (which poor Peter sits out), Tony asks the gang if they'd like to meet a friend of his... a "little guy" who'd become a "giant" in Major League Baseball. They agree... hop into Tony's windowless van, and are never seen agai--, err, they're taken to a nearby ball field where some of the St. Louis Cardinals are practicing... including the man of the hour, Ozzie Smith!
After the practice session, Tony introduces Ozzie to his new friends. Ozzie is cordial, but confused... though, in fairness, he was just approached by a giant bipedal tiger beast. They decide to give Peter the opportunity to show 'em he's a tiger... show 'em what he can do, and so Andrew is ordered to the mound to throw some pitches. Whattayaknow... Peter just murders the ball with every swing!
After proving he can hit, Ozzie decides it's time for Peter to show his prowess on the field. Andrew is remanded to the mound again to pitch to the Wizard of Oz. Ozzie hits a few pitches in Peter's direction, but the poor kid winds up pullin' a Bill Buckner! Whoops! Ozzie shouts some words of support at the kid, and sure enough, Peter picks up on it quick!
As the sesh wraps up, Andrew's all "Yeah, Peter's pretty good... but, he's still too small!" Jesus, Andrew... whatta you want from this kid? He can't just decide to grow! Tony decides to intervene again... and gives the two kids tickets to the next Cardinals game. This really feels like it's building to a "don't talk to strangers" lesson, doesn't it?
Before we know it, Tony, Andrew, and Peter are at the game... and hanging out with Ozzie while the teams warm up. Ozzie and Tony decide to waste away the minutes before the game by... quizzing the kids on baseball! There are a lot of words on these pages, maaaan... no joke. It's neck-and-neck in the quiz-off, until Peter is able to answer a question that Andrew doesn't know!
Ozzie steps away to, ya know, play the game... and says Tony should continue quizzing the kids. It's here where Ozzie delivers the line of the book: "If they pass the test, they'll have a perfect score!" Da hell? First, that don't make no sense... Second, Andrew's already missed a question! Pay attention, Ozzie man!
The next several pages feature Ozzie Smith kickin' butt on the field... making amazing catches and even scoring the winning touchdown run!
We wrap up with Andrew finally relenting and, with a wink to the reader, allowing Peter to play in his neighborhood league.
--
Not since we joined LeBron James on his quest to find "the flava", have we read such a weird sports story here at the site... and, for the most part... it was pretty fun! Dumb, borderline creepy, and somewhat inarticulate... but fun!
It's definitely one of those books that "defies analysis"... and so, I'm not going to go too deep. I also feel like, looking back with (urgh) 2020-vision, this could be viewed a bit differently than it was intended... maybe? I feel like there's a fair amount of "innocence" we need in order to to "buy-in" and fully appreciate this... but, call it jadedness, cynicism, or just a tendency toward black humor, and this one could go sideways at any moment.
The "lesson" taught here isn't anything all that novel... and really, why the hell am I even going down this path? It's a feel good story facilitated by a cereal mascot. I really ought to just let it be. The art was good... Tony's depiction was especially "spot on". Yeah, I guess that's all I really have to say!
Overall it wasn't...
... but, it wasn't the worst thing either! If you come across this thing for a buck-or-below (like I did), I'd encourage you to snag it for the novelty alone!
--
Et-Cetera:
Batman: Death of Innocents #1 (December, 1996)
"Death of Innocents"
Writer - Denny O'Neil
Pencils - Joe Staton
Inks - Bill Sienkiewicz
Colors - Ian Laughlin
Letters - John Costanza
Associate Editor - Darren Vincenzo
Editor - Scott Peterson
Cover Price: $3.95
Today we're going to be covering a very special book... one that I (for whatever reason) didn't even realize received a domestic release... and certainly not one I ever expected to own.
I wanna take you back a handful of years... I was doing some research on various comic book PSAs for an episode of the show. Naturally, things like the New Teen Titans Drug Awareness issues, the Supergirl "Buckle-Up" stuff, that Spider-Man & Power Pack issue kept popping up in my search... but also, some more obscure stuff... Captain America fighting an asthma monster, Spider-Man teaches kids how to brush their teeth (with AIM toothpaste only!)... those odd "second-tier" PSAs... the ones that are more "silly" to we enlightened twenty-first century types.
Then, there were these DC specials... about landmines. Living in America (uhh!), landmines aren't something I think about with any regularity. For whatever reason, this made me think that these landmine issues were only released outside of the United States. I don't think anyone ever told me that, or even that I'd read it anywhere... I'd just, again for whatever reason, decided that was the way it was.
That said... imagine my shock when I was digging through a random cheap-o bin near the house, and came across the very issue we're about to talk about! It's actually a legit release... with a price-tag, bar code, indicia and everything! I've been holding off on actually covering it here... though, I'm not sure why. Probably something having to do with not having the time to give it a proper look. Well, lucky for me (and you, if you're interested), this odd green tea diet I've been subjecting myself to has somehow resulted in improving my focus on stuff like this. Not sure how long it'll last... but, I may as well enjoy the ride while I'm on it!
Anyhoo, without further ado... let's check this out.
Oh! Wait, one more thing... this is a very heavy issue, I probably don't need to put a "Reader Discretion" disclaimer, but... ya know, just in case.
--
Our story opens on a car-full of happy folks driving back home in order to celebrate a birthday... it's a father, his daughter, and the daughter's friend. Along the way, they run over a landmine... which absolutely destroys the vehicle, and ends the lives of two of the three passengers. The only survivor is one of the young girls... the daughter, Sarah. I wanna warn y'all upfront, this scene right here kind of sets the tone for everything that's to come. This is a heavy, unpleasant, gut-punch of a story.
We shift scenes to Gotham City where Bruce Wayne is getting an earful from a Mrs. Orbley. She is the wife of the man who we just saw die, and the mother of Sarah. She's blaming Bruce for sending her husband there in the first place... and for the fact that her daughter is now listed as "missing" somewhere in Kravia. This finger-pointing doesn't exactly sit well with Bruce...
... and so, when he heads back home, he really starts to rattle Alfred's cage about the situation. He's in deep-denial mode, and even says something along the lines of "If Mrs. Orbley didn't have a headache that day, she would've died too!" as if to suggest that this poor woman is somehow lucky! Alfred ain't buyin' a bit of it... and actually sorta-kinda throws it back at Bruce. He's not blaming him, but he's trying to give him a little bit of a "reality check". Very well done scene!
Alfred then fills Bruce in on the situation in Kravia. Upheaval, rebellion... just all-around ugliness. The deal with the landmines is especially horrifying, as they're a) made out of very little metal, so they're difficult to locate, and b) disguised to look like common items... toys, and what-not. Bruce wonders if there's anything he can do... to which, Alfred replies with "Duh, you're Batman."... followed by a full-page spread of that scene in Crime Alley. Can't have a single Batman story without one of those! Thankfully they spare us the scattered pearls!
Bruce raises his cowl, and before we know it... he's on a chopper headed into Kravia. His pilot warns him about how dangerous this plan is... and assures him, even with a bomb-sniffing dog (which he has), more likely than not, Batman's about to be blown sky high. Batman appreciates the warning... but, he's got a job to do. And so, when the time is right, he takes the dog in his arms and parachutes into the bitter cold night.
After landing, Batman gingerly steps across the field... being led by his four-legged pal. Suddenly, the dog catches a scent... and begins walking with a purpose. Before it can locate a landmine, however... it is shot by a sniper! They're really not pulling any punches with this one, are they?
The sniper presents itself at Batman... mocks him for being a stupid American in a cape... then gleefully warns him that the field he's currently standing in contains well over one-hundred landmines. The sniper, certain that Batman ain't gonna make it all that far, bids him adieu... and retires back into the woods.
Over the course of the next several pages, Batman painstakingly wanders through the minefield... it's really very well done. Every step feels like an event... and, I say that with no sarcasm... this is a very strong scene! He finally makes it into the brush, where he climbs a tree and radios in to Oracle. He tells her of the sniper, and reveals that it had a woman's voice. Babs does some checking and deduces that this must've been a Colonel Franck... in her words, a "very nasty lady". Unfortunately, that's all she seems to know about her.
Batman then sleeps for eight-minutes and forty-seconds (out of a planned 10 minute nap), when he's awoken by some local guerrillas attempting to shake down some poor dude. Batman is able to make out enough of what they're saying to know that the guerrillas are trying to track down Sarah Orbley.
Batman sits in the tree for a bit, before thinking to himself "Whatta revoltin' development"... after which, he dives into the fray and beats everybody up. After the dust (and bodies) settle, Batman is informed that these locals might've seen a girl in a nearby field, some three kilometers south. Our man thanks them for the tip, and gets to headin'.
What he finds... isn't Sarah Orbley. This is actually the body of Sarah's friend, Mariska Kraje... and, I tell ya what, the art depicts her as being pretty grotesquely mutilated, but not overwhelmingly gory. When I opened this issue, the first thing that came to mind was how little I felt I was going to like the art. As we work our way through, however, I'm finding a real appreciation for this strange Staton-Sienkiewicz tandem!
Batman spends the next little while digging a shallow grave for Mariska's body. He feels it's inadequate, but... at present, it's the best he can do. As he finishes up, he notices some tiny footprints leaving the area. He assumes they belong to Sarah... and so, he follows them.
As he tracks the tracks... he thinks that there's nothing more important to him right now than to find this little girl. It begins to rain, somewhat obscuring his view of the path... but he's able to persevere. Suddenly, he sees a faint light. It's a tiny village... he chooses to ignore it.
As he trudges ever forward, Batman finds himself stood before a new set of tracks... these ain't footprints, but big ol' tire tracks! Realizing that poor villagers don't ride around in military-grade vehicles, he assumes these tracks belong to the bad-guys. He follows them. An added perk to this is, so long as he walks within the tracks, he knows he won't accidentally step on a mine!
These tracks take him right up to a gaggle of guerrillas... who are gleefully planting new landmines along the path they'd just taken. Of note, they're pretty proud that some of these mines look like children's toys. Pretty sneaky stuff here... pretty ruthless too, which makes it all the sweeter when Batman arrives and beats the holy hell out of 'em!
After kayoing the lot of 'em, Batman takes their guns and... just empties them into the pile of landmines, setting off each and every one before they can be buried. It's yet another very powerful scene. I tell ya what, this ain't your garden-variety PSA.
Our man hops into one of their vehicles, and follows the tire-trail back to the guerrillas' headquarters... which is a massive palace of a home, which once belonged to a wealthy industrialist. Ya know, before everything sorta went to pot. Batman breaches the gate, takes out a few guards and rushes toward the house... where he sees that dude he "saved" earlier, who is happily counting a stack of cash he'd just been given by the Colonel.
Further into the estate Batman sneaks... until he finally finds the Colonel's room. He busts in on her while she's brushing her hair. He gives her three choices... which are sorta like 1) Die, 2) Die, 3) Talk... then Die.
Initially, Franck looks kinda freaked out... but, gets over it quickly enough. We can sorta tell here that she doesn't have all that much to live for... "living" has just become a means to getting revenge. Batman asks why she's committed so many atrocities against innocent children and families... to which, she reveals that her own children were taken from her by the government. They'd shot her son and daughter to "teach her a lesson" for writing an unsavory letter to a local newspaper.
In the midst of this contentious chat, Franck reveals that Sarah is still alive... but, won't be for long. She promises Batman, however, that once she is dead... out of respect, the Colonel will be certain to send whatever's left of her body to the American Embassy.
Batman asks for clarification... and, ho boy, does he get it! Ya see, Sarah was found by a poor couple... and now, all three are out with one of the Colonel's "Murder Squads" for... uh, "solving". The Colonel then points her pistol at our man. Batman has heard enough, and so he back-hands the broad into unconsciousness before she can squeeze off a shot.
Before long, Batman has caught up with the Murder Squad, who have presented the poor couple (and Sarah) with two choices. They can either 1) Die here, or 2) Die in the minefield. They choose the minefield, because at least that way, they have a chance of survival (or so they think).
As the trio walks into the minefield, one of the guerrillas asks what'll happen in the event that they actually survive the mines. Another guerrilla laughs, and says they'll just shoot them then. Well, not so fast, kemosabes... because Batman's here, and he's heard enough of your crap. He shouts toward Sarah and Company to stop walking, as he beats compliance out of the Murder Squad.
The couple and Sarah make their way out of the field, guided by one of the baddies. As they exit the field, Sarah drops her yo-yo.
With Sarah saved, Batman reads the riot act at the Murder Squad... tells them to warn the Colonel that if he catches even the slightest whiff of her acting out of step, he'll be back and rain down whatever Bat-vengeance he can upon her and her's. Batman offers to take the old couple to the American Embassy, but they've already got somewhere to hide out for awhile. Hopefully, it's a more secure place than wherever they were hiding before all this.
Batman and Sarah bid the old couple thanks and farewell. Our man tells the tot that everything's going to be okay, and that he'll take her back to see her mother. All Sarah seems to be worried about is that she dropped her yo-yo. Batman smiles, and tells her he'll get her a car-load of yo-yos once they get home. He hoists her up, and they run toward the rendezvous point.
Batman radios for the chopper to return... and expresses that it isn't often he feels quite this good. He saved Sarah... and soon she'll be reunited with her mother. While he wasn't responsible for what happened to her father, at least he was able to do something for the grieving family. Meanwhile, Sarah's chasing a butterfly...
... when something from out of the corner of her eye catches her attention. It's a yo-yo!
Only... it's not.
And... that's the end.
--
Wow.
Um... I... didn't see that coming. I probably should have, considering the subject matter... but, holy cow, those last two pages were probably the most powerful gut-punch I've gotten from a comic book in quite some time... perhaps, ever! I never thought they were going to end it that way. Wow.
Wow.
This is one that'll stick with you... I, I'm really kind of speechless here. So often when we look at "Public Service Announcement" comics, they're pretty much written in a way where the stories presented could easily fit into any Saturday Morning cartoon show... ya know what I mean? Not really controversial... certainly not to the point of depicting atrocities like these... they're usually "safe", easy to digest... and, utterly unmemorable. In fact, if you remember them at all, it's usually because you're mocking them.
This, however... defies all of that. This story features the kind of things you want to forget... but, likely won't be able to. This is a powerful, ruthless story... that grabs you by the throat and forces you to bear witness to the gruesome depravity that... actually exists in the world. I'm not talkin' the "DC Universe" either, but the very world we're all living in and sharing at this moment.
It's stories like this that conjure up so many unpleasant thoughts... cementing the "reality" of so much of the bad in the world. I mean, consider this, at this very moment as I'm typing out this sentence... and at the very moment you're reading it, there are people in the worst pain of their lives. There are children being abused. It's all out there... and, if you allow yourself to think about all of it... it's rather maddening.
I feel like O'Neil treated this subject with great respect... he even gave the Colonel a tragic backstory, perhaps to illustrate how ruthless and vengeance-minded someone could be when they have absolutely nothing more to lose. It makes you think... are she and Batman really all that much different? Well, yes... they are, Batman has a "line" he won't cross... but, I hope you understand what I'm saying. This story, and the Colonel's specifically, illustrates the different "paths" a victim might take. She and Batman have similar "origins", but chose very different destinations.
I will admit, though it feels kinda wrong to even go down this path... I was a bit trepidatious when I saw Denny O'Neil's name attached to this... fearing it was going to be full of soapbox lectures and strawman villains. Thankfully it was not.
Another thing I wanna admit... when I saw the odd tandem of Joe Staton and Bill Sienkiewicz were going to be providing the art, my first thought was "How in the world is that going to work?"... well, after a few pages of "warming up" to their blended style, I gotta say... I thought they worked very well together, and absolutely suited the tone of this story. Really wonderful work. Wonderful work all around.
Overall... this isn't so much a comic book as it is an experience, and it's an experience I highly recommend. An oddity and a novelty to be sure, but wow... what a powerful message... and double-wow, what a heart-stopping ending. Grab this if you find it.
--
Essays & Et-Cetera:
--
The only Ad (feels weird that there are any at all!):
