X-Men Vignettes, Chapter Thirty-Five (1989)

 

X-Men Vignettes #35 (1989)
"Paper, Not Paper"
Writer - Daryl Edelman
Art - John Bolton
Letters - Joe Rosen
Colors - Glynis Oliver
Edits - Edelman, Harras, DeFalco
From: Classic X-Men #35 (July, 1989)

Howzat for a cursed cover? That one'll give ya nightmares! One of the most fun parts of this project has been taking in these, sometimes odd, sometimes eerie, almost always beautiful Bolton back covers... and perhaps even sharing them with a generation of readers who didn't even realize they existed! This one in particular has haunted me something fierce... I mean, just look at it!

Can the story even hope to live up to that sort of eerie madness? Well... it's written by our Assistant Editor, and it's one of three scripts he's ever written. Hopes high enough yet?

Let's do it!

--

X-Men #129 (January, 1980) - (w) Chris Claremont / (a) John Byrne

This is going to be one of the "between the panels" stories we get in Vignettes from time to time. Above, you can see the series of panels from X-Men #129 (January, 1980), where this odd and ethereal little ditty begins. There, Kitty Pryde, during her first appearance issue, phases through the wall of a malt shop into an alley. Below, we see Kitty trying to gather her thoughts and make sense of the situation. She is quite confused by her phase-ability -- and, while we know this isn't the first time it's manifested (it's not even the first time today), it may be the first time she actually sees it in action. This isn't her falling from her bedroom to the living room below while she was sleeping -- she's cognizant of her situation right now... and, at least for this very moment, awake.

From here, however, it's off to slumberland. Kitty finds herself shrunken down reading from a tremendous book. She's approached by... I don't know what the hell this is... but, our gal doesn't seem to recognize it. Kitty shoos the whatever-the-hell away so she might study in peace. Worth noting, the whatever-the-hell is in a gummed up wheelchair. I dunno if it's supposed to be Professor X? By now y'all know that I'm pretty dense... and I only see symbolism where there is none. So, if this is truly symbolic... well, it's all going over my head.

Anyway, Kitty is asked if she can dance... and the whatever-the-hell reveals that it's familiar with the book Kitty's attempting to study from. It's a book called Structure and Function of the X-Factor by Charles Xavier, by the by. Just then, from behind a nearby curtain, the White Queen trots out... uhh, another slew of whatever-the-hells. These look kind of like mannequins with tennis balls taped to their chests. Very bizarre, indeed. They're here to dance -- and, I'm assuming this is an avant garde take on the "wooing" of Kitty Pryde. The wheelchair guy is Chuck... and Emma is, well, Emma. They're competing to see who "gets" Kitty Pryde.

What follows here are... several pages of weird-looking stuff. Ya notice how, of late I'm starting more paragraphs with "What follows here are several pages of..."? I have! It might make one start to think that... the twelve pages allotted for these Vignettes might be... I dunno, six pages too many? Feels very padded. Thankfully that "padding" is drawn by John Bolton. Let's hit the main beats. Emma turns Xavier's book into mush... and we pop back out to reality, where sleeping Kitty is under a pile of books. So, is this real or not?

Next, Kitty's approached by another whatever-the-hell, which transforms into Storm. We get a platitude about not judging books by their cover... and how people will continue to grow and change. This scene appears to be taking place both inside Kitty's dream and in the now-bookless alley. Well, there's one book, which Storm's reading from... but, that pile's nowhere to be seen.

From here, Kitty and Storm dance back into the dream... eesh, I feel like I'm in the middle of a dream... to take on Emma and her booby mannequins. Well, to dance in front of them, I guess. I dunno. This displeases Emma greatly... and so, she unleashes a bunch of booby mannequins... in wheelchairs?

The wheelchairs crash into Storm, knocking her out. Kitty then places Storm into one of the wheelchairs... and beelines it toward Emma -- phasing right through her... and the wall behind her... back into Kitty's own home... which is actually a book itself? Ya know, I'm loving the art here... it's some really excellent stuff, but... this is getting stretched wildly thin at this point.

Next we know, Kitty wakes up in the alley -- just as Emma and the Hellfire Goons are loading the X-Men into their air-hooptie. We close out with Ms. Pryde phasing in and stowing away...

... which happened two pages later back in X-Men #127! There we go, we added... somethin' to the lore! I'm not x-actly sure what we added... but, yeah... somethin'!

X-Men #129 - January, 1980 - (w) Chris Claremont / (a) John Byrne

--

Ya know, I was gonna write this elaborate bit wherein I transcribed an imagined conversation between Daryl Edelman, Bob Harras, and Tom DeFalco about the creation of this little ditty -- with the overall "message" being, something along the lines of: "Hey, that's a great page and a half worth of story... you've got twelve!"

Since I am not creative or humorous in any way, I won't torture y'all with that -- instead, I'll just say that this was an interesting and worthwhile idea to pursue... but, it certainly didn't need a dozen pages to be told. Kitty's going through a pretty confusing time right now (plus, who knows what hoo-doo Emma is doing just on the other side of the wall), so it'd stand to reason that she might just "trip out" a bit. Good idea... decent execution... just wayyy too long.

At least it was rendered by our main man, John Bolton... who, at this point, sadly isn't long for this project. Things are about to take a turn for the... well, I don't wanna say "worse", cuz we've got some Nicieza stuff coming our way, and I'm a bit Fabes-fan... but, the X-Men Vignettes are certainly sliding down the list of Marvel's priorities at this point. When you see some of the art that's headed our way, you might think you sent in five Charleston Chew UPCs and got a free comic... or, ordered the Kid's Personal Pan Pizza at Pizza Hut... and got a free comic. Anyway, that's a concern for later -- let's just be happy for today that we've still got Bolton!

Overall - a neat little "trip", which I probably would've enjoyed more had I not been stressing about thinking up stuff to actually say about it here on the site!

X-Men Vignettes, Chapter Thirty-Four (1989)

 

X-Men Vignettes #34 (1989)
"Double Negative"
Writer - Ann Nocenti
Art - John Bolton
Letters - Joe Rosen
Colors - Glynis Oliver
Edits - Edelman, Harras, DeFalco
From: Classic X-Men #34 (June, 1989)

We're getting really close to the end of this leg of the Vignettes Project. As it stands now, we've only got two chapters left that come equipped with "cover images". In case I didn't make this clear from the start... and, I mean, if you're reading these, you most likely already know -- but, these Classic X-Men backups had their own "covers"... which is to say, the back cover would have a pin-up -- which, are the images I took, and slapped a low-poly, grainy, poorly edited "X-Men Vignettes" logo on (seriously, don't look at it too closely)... and then typed the chapter number in Bookman OldStyle Font in as near a similar shade of blue and white as I could get it.

That all changes, however, with issue #37. I'm guessing it's due to a combination of Marvel wanting more ad revenue and not really prioritizing this project anymore... but, come that issue... the back cover will be - just an ad. Here's a silly little "mock-up" I did for what Vignettes #37 could'a been:

Back Cover of Classic X-Men #37 (September, 1989)

So, knowing that's headed our way... I guess I'm going to have to try and get a bit creative for upcoming covers. Creativity isn't my strong suit... which is probably why all I tend to write about are other peoples' creations. There's a saying that I've tried to coin over the years -- "Those who can, do -- those who cannot, review" -- it rhymes and sorta rolls off the tongue in said in the right cadence.

Anyway, all that to say -- come Vignette #37, we'll be entering the final "leg" of this project. I believe the last Vignette appears in Classic X-Men #44? I could be mistaken... but, I don't think I am. Crazy, when I started this I could'a sworn they ran into the 60s! I guess this won't go quite as long as our Action Comics Daily dealie from the long ago... though, there are some X-Men shorts floating around out there that might be needing some attention in the form of the Vignette treatment? What say you?

Oh well, enough pre-ramble... let's get Hellfirin'!

--

We open at the Hellfire Club, where... hmm, lemme check the Wiki... ah, yes: Unnamed Servant Girl is attending to Jason Wyngarde's drink order. We can see that he thinks of her as nothing more than a brainless trollop... an object. Speaking of objectification, he gets a big ol' eyeful of her goods before she awkwardly backs away. She asks if there's anything else he might need... likely expecting a very unpleasant answer -- yet, gets none. Jaybird ain't even gonna dignify her with a response. Worth noting here, and maybe it's just me -- but, Bolton draws Wyngarde to look a bit like Charlie Manson.

Unnamed Servant Girl slinks away back to her quarters... demoralized and feeling like, well, feeling like exactly what Wyngarde wanted her to feel like -- nothing more than an object. In the "help" quarters, or, I dunno "ladies' locker room" she runs into Emma Frost... who is in the middle of a conversation with her very favorite person -- that being, herself in the mirror. USG asks how Emma can deal with their lot in Hellfire Life - being ogled, being a plaything, ya know... being a Hellfire Wench. Emma takes great offense to this, reminding USG that she is the White Queen. Sure, USG is nothing more than a cheap bit of eye-candy to the creepers in the Club, but Emma... Emma wields actual power. She claims that while the fetishwear of USG cheapens her... Emma's own fetishwear cheapens everyone else. Welp, I guess it's all in one's own perception, eh? Least Emma acknowledges her agency.

Emma continues her monologue while fetching her cape gimmick... and finally tells Unnamed Servant Girl that sexism is an illusion... it only x-ists when you give it power. When you empowers those who you think may try and wield it to make you lesser. And, in the Hellfire Club... no one dares to play such games with the White Queen. USG comes to the realization that Emma's just as bad as the rest of 'em. C'mon lady, is this the first time you're meeting Emma Frost?

From here... well, the story kinda falls apart. Or, rather, kinda just ceases to be for a handful of (fun to look at) pages. Emma approaches Wyngarde for a game of chess... and, what follows is three pages of... well, them playing chess. It's all very symbolic, and perhaps falls a bit on the "too cute by half" side of things... but, I suppose it's somewhat successful in making the point it's trying to make. The gimmick here is that we're seeing their mental joust play out on the board... and, in the game, they wind up falling prey to one another. Again, neat to look at, and fine idea... just not near as deep as I think it's supposed to be. Feel like we can sum up so many Nocenti/Bolton stories with that very line.

This takes us to the wrap up, where we can see that... this entire "game" took place on the astral plane -- not a single chess piece was moved. Unnamed Servant Girl is watching this play out... and realizes that, while Ms. Frost claims superiority to all -- she is but a slave. A slave... to games.

--

Okay, I didn't dislike this. I know that's like the usual levels of "praise" I've been giving our trips into Nocenti-land of late... but, it's really about all I can say. I don't have any personal stories I can relate-n-conflate into this... and, I'm not x-actly sure what it actually accomplished. It enlightens us to the "power dynamic" of the Hellfire Club... but, I didn't think that was ever in question in the first place? Maybe it's just all the years of hindsight getting in the way?

Something that really struck me is what Emma said about the nature of sexism... especially in the post-social media world we're currently living in, where it feels as though folks often comb over any statements being made for any traces of sexism... or, ya know, whatever else they're looking to be offended by. Here, Emma tells our Unnamed Servant Girl that -- sexism isn't a thing, unless you make it into one. It simply doesn't x-ist... to her mind, anyway. Well, it x-ists, just not in the way the USG thinks it does. My takeaway here is that it comes down to agency -- and, I could be completely wrong here, because it isn't terribly often that I find myself trompin' around a swingers club in showy lingerie and heels.

Emma appears to know what putting on the outfit means. She says as much to the USG. You put that outfit on... and, you're going to be ogled... you will be objectified... but only if you allow yourself to be. As we saw in the opening scene, USG does not appear to carry herself with any confidence... she's meek, she's clearly uncomfortable. To a sadist or creep at the Hellfire Club, she may as well be wearing a sign that she is someone who can be easily used, dominated, wrung out... what have you. Emma, on the other hand, well... she compares her slinky get-up to the war armor of a samurai. It's her protection, it's her weapon... it's how she gets stuff done.

Emma isn't meek... and like the new guy/gal in the prison... she approaches one of the biggest, baddest dudes in the yard to make a name for herself. To show off her mental toughness. She matches mental-wits with friggin' Mastermind... and is able to battle him to a draw. It's not a win... but, at the same time, it kinda is.

Thing of it is though, Emma's so wrapped up in her "persona"... that she doesn't even realize what a prisoner she's become. Like, what does it matter if you're king or queen... when what you rule over is... this? Emma's in too deep. She's like someone who fought their way to a middle-management position, who then lets that position define who they are. They become the job... and begin to think lesser of those around them. And, no, this is one of the rare times I'll assure you that I'm not projecting -- at least not my own behavior, anyway. What happens when you take this person out of "the machine"? What do they become? What/Who is Emma Frost without her position in Hellfire?

She doesn't appear to want to find out. And so, as the Unnamed Servant Girl said, Emma -- whether she realizes it or not -- is also a slave.

Ya know what -- this might be one'a those odd stories where, when I started jotting down my thoughts I didn't really care for -- but, after breaking it down (as only I can... which is to say, sloppily and stream-of-consciously), I found that I rather liked it. Oh well!

X-Men Vignettes, Chapter Thirty-Three (1989)

 

X-Men Vignettes #33 (1989)
"So Good it Hurts"
Writer - Ann Nocenti
Art- John Bolton
Letters - Joe Rosen
Colors - Glynis Oliver
Edits - Edelman, Harras, DeFalco
From: Classic X-Men #33 (May, 1989)

I feel like if you title your story "So Good it Hurts", you're really puttin' it all out there. That's a bold statement -- and, of course, it's not supposed to be describing the story quality itself... but, ehh...

In other words, I really don't have much of a pre-ramble today. This chapter occurs at the same time as the last one. Give that one a peek if you're interested! For a bit of context for this one -- it (mostly) plays out during this scene from X-Men #127 (November, 1979).

X-Men #127 (November, 1979 - (w) Chris Claremont / (a) John Byrne

--

We open with Havok and Polaris on their way to help the X-Men with the Proteus Problem. Now, it's a weird bit of business to start -- as, Alex appears to be zoning out and hallucinating these violent and horrible ends for the two of 'em. Now, I'm not 100% sure these are purely hallucinations... or, maybe they're some sort of long-distance Proteus reality-warping? It's one'a those, I guess! I suppose at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter. Or, maybe it does? I dunno, I'm 'fused. Speaking of "fused", Havok and Polaris wreck their car and become fused together here! In reality, Alex just zoned out and drove off the road and down an embankment. They are both unharmed. Worth noting, the love of his life, Lorna Dane calls him "Havok" rather than Alex throughout this story. Maybe it's because he's in costume? Maybe they've got a rule about that? Maybe it's a kink they've got? Who knows...

Alex x-plains that, of late, he's been thinking a lot about how quickly things can end... as in, life. He zones out and pictures himself smashing into things while he's driving, f'rinstance. He doubles-down by revealing that he's had these feelings ever since around the time he'd met her. He fears they're headed toward some sort of unavoidable "smash". These words are clearly music to any girl's ears -- Lorna tell him to put a pin in it for now, as she retrieves their hooptie outta the sump.

She then takes him by the hand and goes skyward. Havok appears to be momentarily calmed... though, it might be worth noting that he calls the love of his life... Polaris. Welp, she's not in costume, so there goes that theory. Maybe Ann didn't think anybody would recognize them? Ya know, it's not as thought Havok's costume is unique or anything? Anyway, Havok starts thrashing and freaking out -- an anxiety attack is imminent. He catastrophizes the situation... assuming they're both about to fall to their death. He asks Lorna for one last kiss... before smashing his face into hers... literally.

From here, we get the weird and awkward scene from our "cover", and the pair'a lovers smash into the ground below. Only, ya know, not really. Turns out, Lorna didn't even take him into the sky a couple'a pages back -- it was all in Alex's head! He x-plains that lately he's been resenting the danger that being X-Men puts them in. All he can see is worst-case scenarios. Now that Lorna's in his life... and the fact that he loves her, these dangers, "smashes", and ends feel all that much more intense... and that intensity only fuels his resentment.

Polaris doesn't appear to get where he's coming from. I'm sure she understands what he's saying -- she just doesn't see his point of view. She reminds him that they're a part of something bigger than them -- and that the world needs them. Havok contorts into a very dramatic pose, before blasting a nearby boulder to bits. He understands that his concerns are selfish... and acknowledges that he's ashamed of himself for thinking the way he does. But -- he just has a feeling that, the longer they're X-Men, the more likely it is that their end is imminent. Which, sure -- stands to reason, right? Gotta assume someone who fights supervillains might not be as long for the world as someone who delivers pizzas?

The conversation is interrupted by a weather phenomenon on the horizon. This is Storm taking on Proteus from the main story... immediately following the Wolverine/Nightcrawler scene. They hop back in the hooptie and head over.

We wrap up with our heroes arriving on the battlefield... just as the dust is settling. They get a good look at their fellow X-Men, and it's when Havok locks eyes with Wolverine... and sees the fear in them, he knows that he cannot be an X-Man any longer. Havok vows to himself that he will not subject himself to such horrors... and will not ever be a part of any "last battle".

--

This was a pretty good one. As we've seen throughout our Vignette Visits, it's not always the easiest thing to do to organically introduce a story that occurs "in-between panels". They often feel wildly convenient, or maybe don't quite line up with the timeline of the main story -- and, well, sometimes they're just plain bad. I recall one'a those Savage Land Vignettes being almost aggressively dull.

Here though? This was a good bit'a business. During the main story in X-Men #127, we see Havok and Polaris arriving on the scene -- but, never had any cause to give their ride over a second thought. It's being able to see the opportunities and possibilities presented in these moments that, initially, didn't much matter, and "filling them in" with characterizations and motivations that really make the Vignettes endeavor work. Did that sentence make sense? I rewrote it like a dozen times. Hopefully, at the very least, you get what I'm trying to say.

X-Men #127

Vignette #33

The work done with Havok here was interesting. I think Nocenti did a pretty good job describing what the onset of an anxiety attack feels like. Sure, these experiences aren't universal, and we each deal with panic in our own way(s), but this was quite well done. Bolton did a wonderful job bringing the words to life... which, isn't much of a surprise at all.

Here's an unnecessary peek behind the curtain. I've long suffered anxiety/panic attacks... and not the kind that are glorified on reddit or make us feel unique and special on social media. Real... debilitating... life-altering panic attacks. I'm talking pain in places you didn't think you had sorta attacks. You don't think your soul can hurt? Think again. For me, personally, and this isn't unique to me -- it's just the only story I can share firsthand -- these attacks are brought on by fear (duh) and catastrophizing. Sometimes the catastrophic situation I project myself into ends in physical pain/harm... other times, it's more a blow to the ego, feeling rejected/dejected/ejected. In either event, you (or I, rather) begin to lose touch with reality.

The worst part of it... well, there are a lot of "worst parts", but one of them is -- the acknowledgement that I'm losing touch with what's real while it's going on. Everything around you "changes"... or, at least my perception of it does... and I can feel myself becoming irrational... or catastrophizing an otherwise benign situation into something that'll send me spiraling. Thankfully, I'm not quite as far-gone as our man, Alex -- then again, I've never zoned out in the proximity of Proteus!

Speaking of which -- there were a couple of things about the story that, I don't wanna say "cheapened" it... maybe just "lessened" it. One being, the fact that this all went down during a Proteus fight. Are we to assume that Alex is actually "zoning out" on the regular... or, at least to this extreme? Was there any of the Proteus-effect at play here? Like I said at the jump, I suppose it really doesn't matter -- but, I dunno -- I suppose it kinda does?

Another bit that pulled me out... and, it's silly... is how Alex and Lorna referred to one another as "Havok" and "Polaris". Like I said, it's a silly criticism... but, still... it pulled me out of the story. I have a hard time accepting that these two lovers, who are not yet on the battlefield, are still calling each other by their codenames. I mean, we can't even blame this on being a BIG Jim Shooter edict... since he'd been showed the door many months ago. Just feels unnatural -- and makes me think less of the Alex/Lorna romance.

It's weird -- I kinda compare this relationship to, and this is gonna sound weird, but to Winnie and Kevin on The Wonder Years. It always felt to me that Kevin was far more into their relationship than Winnie. She often came across as somewhat aloof toward it. Felt one-sided, is what I'm trying to say -- and, I kinda get those vibes here from Lorna to Alex. Does that make sense? Prob'ly not.

Overall, despite a couple's nits that I needed to pick, I had a good time with this one. The ending was powerful... having Alex approach Logan, of all people... seeing the fear in the eyes of a man who... well, doesn't scare easy, was more than enough to convince our man that, perhaps his X-Menning days are behind him. Good stuff!

X-Men Vignettes, Chapter Thirty-Two (1989)

 

X-Men Vignettes #32 (1989)
"Shreds of Humanity"
Writer - Ann Nocenti
Art - John Bolton
Letters - Joe Rosen
Colors - Glynis Oliver
Edits - Edelman, Harras, DeFalco
From: Classic X-Men #32 (April, 1989)

Rather than pre-ramble today, I'm just going to share a couple'a pages from X-Men #126 (October, 1979), because the entire story we're about to discuss occurs somewhere betwixt their panels. Quite why we needed to add twelve x-tra pages to this scene... well, um... ya got me! Least it's gonna look pretty!

From X-Men #126 (October, 1979) - (w) Chris Claremont / (a) John Byrne

--

So, we pickup right as Proteus is reality-warping Wolverine and Nightcrawler. Our heroes are mocked for their lack of ability... which triggers our more feral friend to begin slipping into that more Berzerker Rage mindset. Not completely, as he's still able to reason and maintain a semblance of cognizance... but, he's gettin' mighty ticked off. Nightcrawler begs Wolverine to settle his tea kettle... and makes the mistake of referring to him as playing the "tough guy". Whoa, whoa, WHOA -- turns out, this is akin to calling Marty McFly a chicken... cuz, it's at this point our man starts to see red.

What's more, Proteus picks up on this as well. Being called a "tough guy" appears to be a sore spot for ol' Logan -- and so, Proty's gonna use this new knowledge and have a little bit of fun with it.

And well, this is where the story shifts into a mosaic of Wolverine taking tiny steps forward... juxtaposed with full-page spreads of our man in different crazy forms. It's very cool to look at, and is a great idea for a story -- it just doesn't x-actly "land" for me. I feel like there's too much of an effort at play here -- trying to make this "more" than a story. Like, a deeper character study. In some ways, I suppose it works -- but, the "tryhardedness" and faux-Claremontian is strong. First, Proteus shatters Wolverine.

Next, Proty turns Wolverine into a Spider with Eggs. This looks like it's supposed to be a reference to a nursery rhyme of some sort? Proteus says "Spiders and Eggs for Breakfast" a couple'a times. I made the mistake of Googling that... which only showed me disgusting pictures of spiders and eggs. When I added "nursery rhyme" to the search, that only made it worse -- I was shown horrifying big-headed CGI babies from Youtube thumbnails -- but, not the nursery rhyme I was looking for!

Then, it's the Marvel Zombies version of Wolverine -- only with less "funny, ha-ha" and "lol, random" than you might x-pect. This is a really good page, as it suggests that Logan uses his healing factor in order to justify indulgence -- fifty-thousand cigarettes, beers, burgers -- after all, what's it matter to him?

Next stop, toon-Wolverine. Kinda resembles that weird little Wolvie critter from the most recent run of Exiles... only a bit more angular. His voice becomes squeaky... but, his resolve seems stronger than ever. He gets almost... well, cartoonishly violent with his descriptions. He smokes atomic bombs, eats bullets, and drinks napalm!

All the while that we're seeing this, Logan is drawing nearer and nearer to Proteus... and at this point, he's not only standing right next to him -- but, he's already slashed him across the face and chest! Proteus understands that the "tough guy" thing isn't an act -- there's actual substance behind the bravado. Wolverine tells him that that substance actually goes all the way to his core -- and it's called courage.

--

Ya know what? I read this story twice. Sometimes, when I read something that I'm planning to cover for a post or a show, I come out of it feeling one way -- then, when I sit down with it again, in order to actually write and/or speak about it, I come away feeling almost completely different. That's kind of the case with this little ditty.

After my initial read-thru -- I hated it. Well, maybe "hate" is too strong a word, but I didn't like it at all. I felt it was unnecessary, way to indulgent -- and kind of insisted on its, I dunno, faux-depth? I mean, it was pretty to look at, no doubt about that -- but, the Nocenti-isms (which is to say, faux-Claremontisms) really drilled on my nerves. Each one was like golf ball-sized hail hitting a tin roof. I winced with each and every sharp "ping".

Right now, actually sitting down with it and writing about it -- I dunno, I come away with almost the complete opposite feeling. Again, the Nocenti-isms were (very) strong -- the prose was a bit purple -- but, I kinda "got it" this time. I'm not sure we needed quite so many pages to make this point -- but, without all those pages, we wouldn't have gotten the very fun John Bolton showcase we wound up getting.

The story itself has the misfortune of being one of the sort that's been strip-mined in the time since it's been written. Wolverine as a "man" or "beast" is a well-trodden bit'a business... and has been done to death (and beyond). We've seen Wolverine in near every situation possible, and reacting in just about every possible way... and, what's more, we've met scads of different versions of the man. It's not fair of me to hold any'a that against this story -- though, I can't honestly say that the overdone-ness of this sort of x-amination/character study didn't make me think a bit less of it. Again, it's an unfair position to take -- I understand and own that.

Overall, the Bolton-bonanza we get here makes it completely worthwhile -- and, depending on your Nocenti-ism mileage... you might just enjoy the story as well. 

X-Men Vignettes, Chapter Thirty-One (1989)

 

X-Men Vignettes #31 (1989)
"Spigot at the End of the Universe"
Writer - Ann Nocenti
Art - John Bolton
Letters - Joe Rosen
Colors - Petra Scotese
Edits - Edelman, Harras, DeFalco
From: Classic X-Men #31 (March, 1989)

Is this our first Xavier-centric Vignette? I think it is...

Something I'm fairly certain I've neglected to mention was the fact that Xavier's up in Shi'ar Space right now. In fairness, it hasn't really come up. I think Colossus may've mentioned it during his trip back to the Motherland, though.

Anyway... let's see what Chuck's gettin' up to!

--

We open with Professor X (ironically dressed in a Star Trek-like outfit) playing some three-dimensional chess... with himself. Before you ask - no, that's not a euphemism. He's up in the Shi'ar Throneworld at current -- kind of the plaything-on-demand for the Majestrix Lilandra Neramani. He appears to have quite the chip on his shoulder, however, as he refuses to let the other aliens play with him. They scoff at him, calling him nothing more than a human... and, what's more, just a consort. For one of the most brilliant minds on Earth, this is quite the humbling experience. Humans aren't quite so revered up in deep space... which is odd, considering anytime anything goes sideways up there, it's left to the humans to fix things. Anyway, he swats the pieces of the board and heads into Lilandra's War Room to whine a bit.

Well, whine and passive-aggressively attempt to horn in on the planning session. A move that doesn't go over all that well among the intergalactic hoi-poloi. Lilandra pulls Chuck aside and asserts that he's kinda embarrassing himself (and her, I suppose) right now. She reminds him that humans are far lesser than the dorks in her council -- and again, I get it -- but, maybe if humans are so worthless and so far below these other aliens, maybe Marvel can have them not try and invade Earth on a monthly (weekly?) basis?

Lil suggests that Charles go out and get some air... and introduces him to a "lowly" plumber named Chakra... who is a lazy-eyed vegetable woman in overalls. Chakra's gotta trek into the desert... and asks if Chuck might wanna tag along. He doesn't seem all that keen on it, but Lilandra presses him til he decides to go. Once out in the wastes, Chakra calls the Professor a puss... err, wait, what? Oh! She's probably talking about the look on his face, yeah? Charles responds by asking if she's humiliated by the fact that she's a plumber... which, I mean -- plumbing is skilled work, innit? I doubt Xavier could fix a clog or re-pipe a house.

Chakra, realizing that Xavier is an idiot, doesn't take offense to the stupid question -- and instead, tells him that it's essential work, and without her there to do it -- the Shi'ar big-wigs'd likely be drowning in their own waste. She then goes to take a puff of oxygen, as they're reaching a point in the wastes where the air isn't quite so breathable -- only to find that she'd forgotten to top off her tanks. Xavier, wisely, suggests they head back as to not, ya know, die a painful and lung-implodey death. Sounds logical, right? Well, unfortunately for him, Chakra sees a meteor shower in the distance she'd really like to stand under... air or not.

Chakra rushes toward the shower... and also the random spigot in the desert she's out here to service. Charles gives chase to try and talk some sense into her -- she tells him to shutuppahisface and save his air. Just then -- bada-bing, bada-boom -- the meteor shower does its thing. Xavier finds himself lost in the beauty of the cosmic event.

Once it passes, Chakra sets to servicing the spigot. Turns out, there's also an oxygen refill gimmick on this pipe -- so, she fills up their reserves so they might once again experience the pleasure of breathing air. This event, for whatever reason, causes Charles to deduce that Chakra is more than just a common plumber. Well, first of all -- we've already established that plumbing is hard and skilled work... second -- why would wanting to see a meteor shower make anybody... anything? What's more, he asks why she "pretends to be stupid" by "acting like a common plumber"! So, are we to think that Xavier is an asshole... or that Ann Nocenti doesn't realize that there's more to plumbing than wearing a pair of overalls? Either way, our man isn't coming off all that great here. Lucky for him, Chakra isn't offended by his ignorance... and so, we can end the scene.

We head back to where we started... and (for whatever reason) Xavier's a completely changed man -- why, he even approaches that alien kid from the beginning and invites them to play some 3-D Chess. Lilandra notices Charles' (abrupt?) change of heart and heads over for a kiss. Our hero then asks who that odd girl was -- to which, Lil says that Chakra is the plumber... and she fixes things. I... think this was supposed to be a far "deeper" line than it actually wound up being. We actually close out with a pin-up of Chakra the Plumber... which is the last we'll ever see of her. Maybe she headed back to the Asparagus Planet before Dark Phoenix did its thing?

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Now, this was kind of a dumb story... but, I actually quite liked it. Maybe not for the reasons Ms. Nocenti might've wanted me to like it, as it didn't come across nearly as deep or profound (to me, anyway) as I believe she expected it to... but, I liked it all the same.

The idea that "Professor Xavier is a Jerk!" is basically a meme at this point, right? Sure, we can talk about him wipin' minds left and right and lusting after his students -- but, it's in a story like this that we actually see him acting like a jerk in a relatable way. In a human way. Here, we get a bit of insight into -- and, as usual, I might be projecting -- his own feelings of inadequacy and inferiority. Having Xavier in this fish-outta-water type setting, where he is viewed as being "less than", is quite interesting. Sure, on Earth, mutants are looked down on... however, that's out of FEAR AND HATE. Also, Xavier isn't publicly "out" as a mutant, so his x-perience with that sensation is (mostly) second-hand.

Here in space though, he's viewed as lesser -- simply because all the races and species around him are that much more advanced. I feel like there's a lot of "meat" on this bone, should the then-current-year creative team chose to x-plore it. Rather than accepting his lot and role in this "consort" life, he lashes out. He tries to make those around him feel inferior -- to the point where he directs his vitriol at a child who simply wanted nothing more than to play chess with him. And, again, I might be projecting -- but, to my mind, one of the first things that leapt off the page to me was how Xavier is x-hibiting signs of poor self-esteem alongside a raging ego.

If you ever have the displeasure of being around someone who doesn't think much of themselves... you might come to find that, despite their poor self-image, they still have something of an ego. It's human to have an ego... however, when you lack self-confidence, that ego can become, and I absolutely hate using this word, toxic. Rather than projecting an aura of assuredness or comfort, you instead try to prove you're the superior being by bringing everyone around you down to your level... or below. Xavier does that here. He's in his own head "rass'm frass'ming" about how brilliant he is... how important he is. Rather, how brilliant and important he was. Here, he ain't nothin' more than a consort. A plaything for the Majestrix. I really feel like they could've (should've) done more with this.

Pairing Charles with a carefree and confident Chakra the Plumber was a good play. Not that I necessarily understand the "lesson" of their outing, or see the depth in the brief chat I think I was supposed to see... but, because it gave us another scene of Xavier verbally trying to make sense of his new role... while exhibiting great discomfort... and making these blithe, aloof, damn-near offensive remarks about Chakra. Even in the position of "passenger" during this outing... he still attempts to project that he's above her. I mean, left to the desert wastes, only one of them knows what the hell they're supposed to be doing and/or how to survive -- and, it ain't Chuck. And yet, he talks down to her all the same.

And the way in which he dismisses her... I mean, words have power, right? Only, the way he was "wielding" them, it didn't seem like he was choosing them all that wisely. I'm going to assume this was intentional... and not a result of Ann Nocenti really thinking that plumbers are "idiots". I mean, Ann's the champion of the "common man", right? Perhaps it's a commentary on how we, as a society, might undervalue (or take for granted) the essential blue-collar workers, who do the unglamorous work of... ya know, making sure our toilets flush. That's almost gotta be it, eh?

Having Xavier... a egotist, who, in this new role -- provides and produces nothing (he's basically Lilandra's concubine)... aloofly slighting a hard-working essential worker, who has actual tangible value in this society... is very well done. There's that saying, which I'm going to paraphrase to the point of butchering... where, when you believe in something strongly, and have it disproven, you only dig your heels in deeper... and believe harder. Here, Xavier is face-to-face with the fact that, he doesn't offer any value here. He's a jerk, a bully, a blowhard... and those are his good qualities! Chakra, lowly "common plumber" that she is... is called upon for a specific purpose. She's needed -- when something needs fixing, she's on speed-dial. Charles couldn't even offer a suggestion during the War Room session without getting sneered at.

Seeing this, it's easy (for me) to understand why Chuck's acting the way he is. It's relatable... for better or for worse. At least it is to me. Like I said at the jump, I feel like when we hit the "lesson" portion of this piece, it kind of fell apart. I get that Xavier had himself an x-perience out there in the wastes... but, the complete 180... feels a bit outta nowhere. I'm okay with it, as it worked to close out the story in a somewhat satisfying way -- but, it did seem a bit rushed, and a bit "happily ever after".

Overall... I liked this. It made me think... it made me look inside myself... and it gave me a better appreciation for Xavier's time away from the X-Men. Worth a peek!

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