Justice League of America (1997 TV Pilot), Part Three

And now... our senses-shattering conclusion!

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In the face of dodgy red-herrings and crippling awkwardness, can our heroes save New Metro from the Wascally Weatherman?  As we left off, the Flash was questioning our most-likely suspect... which in fiction often translates to least-likely.  Occam's Razor be damned, the sneaky sneak of the weather facility is no more a villain than the Flash himself... though he's just as nerdy... and potentially useless.

Back at the weather building, Tori is being her usual snoopy self.  She ascends to something of a server room that houses the facility's dish.  There she observes via satellite, the Weatherman making his latest threats against the citizens of New Metro.  Tori gets the feeling that something just isn't right.  Why is she seeing this?  It's not being broadcast as of yet... she peers around a bunch of Weather Manipulatory machinery and finds... Miguel Ferrer (!) recording the Weatherman's latest A/V missive!

busted...

The Ferrer-man gives chase, until he runs into his own brand of Kryptonite in the form of a closed door.  The 110 lb. Tori out-muscles his attempts at escape, then freezes the door with her Icy fingers.

In a rather unnatural scene shift, the sitcom "wonk wonk" music starts up as we rejoin the boys at the JLA clubhouse.  The Atom is happy to find that Barry was able to "get the stain out" of a piece of his apparel... which is unsettling at best.  Moments later Tori comes a'knockin' and she spills the beans on Eno Ferrer's true nefarious ambition... and hands over a scroll of coordinates for the next attack.

We quickly pop in on B.B. and the Boy in their would-be May-Octember romance.  This whole thing is just weird... Bea acts like she's not at all into this young fella, but still gleefully accepts the earrings he bought her (which cost him an entire month's allowance, dammit).  Her JLA communicator goes off, and she awkwardly takes her leave.  It's cold showers for you, boy.  Hope you got locks on your door at mom's house.

Scene shift! A News Reporter stands before a cliffside.  The location of the latest attack.  A freak rain shower would have caused a devastating landslide, if not for the JLA's Fire who "cooked" the mud into hardened Earth.  This is sadly a tell-don't-show endeavor, as we pop in on the proceedings after the fact.  Tori pulls up, and the League flocks to her.  Fire's communicator gives the all-clear to "bring her in".  The Leaguers all creepily gaze at Tori while she tries to avoid making eye contact.

While blindfolded and with Atom holding her by the arm, they march Tori under a nearby bridge... okay, not disturbing in the slightest...

Under the bridge, they gang loads up in a sort of capsule and get submerged far under the sea.  They soon arrive at the Justice League's... well, whatever the underwater version of a satellite is... where we meet... Miguel Ferrer?  Only it's not Dr. Eno at all, it's...

J'onn J'onzz the Manhunter from Mars!  Wow, they really went all out for this thing.  It is revealed that earlier he impersonated Dr. Eno at the facility in attempt to get to the bottom of the Weatherman fiasco.  Something seems really familiar about this Mr. J'onzz.

Oh, Winchester -- imagine what Hawkeye would say...

J'onn offers... nay demands, that Tori join up with the League.  Going so far as to tell her that her "old life" is no longer there.  We awkwardly (I feel as though I'm using that word a bit much today) shift back to B.B.'s forbidden love as he... hits up an ice cream truck for a vanilla shake (make it a double). He notices the news report featuring the JLA on the truck's tiny TV, and wouldn'tcha know it, Ms. Fire forgot to remove the earrings he'd gifted her earlier that very day.  Wowee... our little man now knows what's up.

Back at the sub-tellite, Atom gives Tori a pep-talk including his own secret origin.  We observe a bit of a montage with J'onn training Tori on harnessing her powers.  Then, the Weatherman pops on the screen and gives a five-day forecast that wouldn't be completely out of place in Phoenix during the summer... minus the reasonably pleasant temperatures, that is.

Manchild Martin (B.B.'s would be beau) confronts her about being Fire.  The League somehow watches this play out via monitor.  In order to throw the boy off the scent, Martian Manhunter takes the form of Fire, and literally threatens to burn the poor chap alive if he doesn't back off.  J'onn J'onzz does not eff around.

Ice heads out to steal the weather manipulator and runs into her former idol and mentor Eno, who asks her to take part in a super villain team-up.  He's on to her power set (though, she hid it sooo well), and sees a ton of potential for their alliance.  She gives him the ol' frost lip, and flees... device in tow.

The Weatherman conducts yet another broadcast, wherein he threatens the city... again.  It turns out that the device Tori stole was not the manipulator, but a tracking device.  Evil Ferrer now knows where the JLA are shacked up.  He fires a bolt of radiant energy that hits the League sub-tellite, and begins cooking the craft.  By the grace of brute strength and Barry's last stick of gum (seriously) the League (sans J'onn) are able to escape.

After observing an amazing exit montage, we are (finally) off to the endgame.  Guy confronts Eno at the weather manipulator's satellite dish... just in time to watch him initiate the sequence.  A bolt of lightning crashes against the water causing a huge tidal wave to rise threatening to wipe out New Metro.

Fire and Atom fly above and look worried, as the Flash rescues a bunch of latch-key kids on the ground.  Guy threatens Eno with a chainsaw construct... which only appears to (figuratively) tickle our super villain.  Guy demands he hand over the weather manipulator, Eno outwits our Lantern by... throwing the device into the bushes.  Ruh-roh.

All appears to be lost.  People are trampling each other in the streets... the League is completely helpless.  It falls to Tori to finally get up the gumption to neutralize this threat.  She summons her power of reenacting a York Peppermint Patty commercial, and stops the wave just as it's about to wipe out New Metro.

The day (and City) is saved.  Green Lantern wrangles Mssr. Ferrer, and we are outta he-- what?  There's more?  Okay...

Later, at Casa Tori... the League does a house call to try to pull her back into their ranks.  Fire even went as far as crafting her a wonderfully tacky leotard.  It doesn't take a whole lot of prodding, Tori decides to sign on the dotted line, and become a full-fledged Justice Leaguer.

No sooner does she join, than her teammates all realize they have better things to do than hang around her stuffy ol' house.  Guy's got another date that he'll probably blow off... B.B. is going to meet her former stalker's new "16 year old" girlfriend... and Barry's gotta get to the next job he's going to lose as a kiddie counselor (I'm sure he's totally qualified).  The Atom, however, would rather stick around and ogle the object of his deviancy.

We close out with Ice taking the Justice League pledge, where she likely states she will remain thrifty, brave, clean and reverent... and we are finally done.

Behold your Justice League, New Metro.  May whatever deity you hold dear have mercy on your souls...

Justice League of America (1997 TV Pilot), Part Two

Welcome to Part Two of our look at the 1997 Justice League of America television pilot -- this time, with Animated GIFs! I remember being very proud of this piece back in the long ago... mostly because of those GIFs. I was looking for ways to "wow" people... and add a little bit'a "pop" to my articles. Was I successful? Ehh... who knows? Anyway, hope you enjoy!

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When we last left our heroes they had just thwarted the sinister Weatherman's plot against New Metro.  With all those super heroic (and arguably interesting) antics behind us, we now get to experience the "softer side" of the gang.

We learn that not only do Guy and Ray team together, but they're also shacked up.  Stands to reason, I guess... couldn't expect Ray to afford his own place on a teacher's salary.  All seems comfy until... come and knock on our door... Barry moves in.  Never has a table been set so quickly.

The gang sits down to eat, but wouldn'tcha know it... Barry's metabolism is on the fritz, and he inhales the dinner himself.  The fellas are shortly joined by B.B., who didn't get the part she'd auditioned for, but almost got a teenage boyfriend for her troubles.  It is during this scene that it's implied that not only were Guy and B.B. an item at one point... but it's heavily suggested that Bea faked all of her orgasms during their relationship.

We rejoin the erstwhile Tori Olafsdotter as she bumbles about the meteorological facility.  Here we meet the likely villain of this story.  A secretive scientist-type called Arliss who only works at night so that they don't have to deal with looky-loos.  Tori weasels her way by him and into a lab where she promptly makes a mess of everything.  She happens across a hidden steel briefcase, and decides it'd probably be a bang up idea to see what's inside.

Ya see... this be her Secret Origin.  She finds that she has that magic touch where she can freeze things.  She hurries home and comes across a totally awesome 90's dude who fell into the lake.  Tori, already feeling some "hero pangs" steps into the water... and immediately freezes the entire lake.  Somehow this doesn't kill the poor almost-drowning victim, who instead just gives off a Joey Lawrence style "Whoa..."

This event makes local news, and lucky for the League the report begins just as their television set gets repaired.  The quartet watch, and upon seeing young Tori among the "witnesses" we get the feeling Ray's getting some feelings he will have to soon deal with in private.

Don't look directly at it...

That night, Tori gets abducted from her bed.  You may think it's the Wacky Weatherman behind the kidnapping... but, in actuality it's the League!  They fill her perky little lungs full of gas and take her to an undisclosed location to read her the riot act.  Ya see, they believe she may just be the Weatherman.  The League appears to be acting on the direction of a disembodied voice, which is sure to be important as we move forward.

We next find Tori back in her bed, the victim of what can only be called the Metahuman version of a nocturnal emission.  Luckily for our dear girl this is only a wet dream about a wet dream.

The next morning while speaking with Miguel Ferrer, Tori reveals that she's a tad bit suspicious of shady ol' Arliss.  I'm just now realizing that his character is called Dr. Eno, so I guess I ought to refer to him as such from this point forward.  His body appears to stiffen up (nyuk nyuk) while talking to Tori, and so he excuses himself.  Outside he pretends to tie his shoe, and we notice that all is not quite as it seems.

We rejoin Fire as she is wooed by a phony French film director... who in actuality, turns out to be the same teenage admirer from earlier.  He more or less admits to stalking Ms. Da Costa, which she handles surprisingly well.  She appears flattered and promises to call him when she next gets the opportunity.  Man, I guess I had it all wrong when it comes to how to get women.  I guess after faking-it with Guy for so long she's entitled... to be the next decomposing head in this loon's refrigerator.

Speaking of Guy, he's currently attempting to once more make good with his neglected girlfriend.  Just as he appears to be making some headway... the Weatherman strikes again!  This time with a blizzard of ping-pong balls!

Guy rescues his girlfriend from getting smashed by the balls.  We get the feeling that there's a Guy-whatever his girlfriend's name is-Green Lantern love triangle in the making.  Atom and Flash arrive on the scene, and the three fellas watch as Fire blasts the clouds with her powers.  The day is once again saved!

Back at the apartment... err, headquarters, the team is huddled around and receiving orders from their television set.  They are told to keep an eye on this Arliss fella.  It seems like they were considering "drafting" Tori into their ranks anyway (just get some uncontrollable powers?  wanna save the world?), so why not kill two birds with one stone?

The gang infiltrates Eno's facility posing as guests to some gala event they're holding.  Here they both meet with Tori, and get a better look at Arliss.  Arliss is acting all sorts of shifty, and is trying to smuggle a box out of the building.  The League puts the Flash on his tail and he follows him back to his suburban home.  Flash confronts the geek, accuses him of being the Wascally Weatherman and checks out the contents of the box for himself.

Turns out Arliss is just a harmless introvert.  His big top-secret invention is just a weather predictor (right up to 88% of the time, as of this writing).  With the good name of Arliss cleared, it appears as though our heroes are back to square one.  Just who is the nefarious Weatherman?

In addition to answering that question, one can only hope we get some resolution to other burning issues such as... Will Barry ever get a job?  Is Guy any good in bed?  Will B.B. get popped for statutory? when we conclude our look into the failed Justice League of America pilot.

Justice League of America (1997 TV Pilot), Part One

 Another piece from the dustbin of Christory, mostly because I just can't get motivated to write anything "new"! This is Part 1 (of 3) of a "review" I had done of the unaired Justice League of America television pilot for Weird Science way back in April, 2016. Figure it's been long enough that I can re-share it here. It's a trip -- I hope you all dig it!

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Before DC Comics hit it big with television series like Smallville and more recently with Arrow, Flash, Gotham and the rest, there was an unsuccessful attempt at a television series featuring the Justice League of America.  In 1997, CBS commissioned a movie-length television pilot featuring many of the JLA characters in an amazingly odd patchwork version of the League.

 One of the interesting narrative tools utilized are confessional-style interview segments in which we learn about each individual character.  As we open we are immediately thrown into one featuring Tora (Tori... really?) Olafsdotter (because she's Olaf's daughter, natch) better known to us as Ice.  She has taken a position at a meteorological facility where she works for Miguel Ferrar, who I know best as Albert from Twin Peaks... and frankly, I'm shocked he's a part of this.

Following the credits segment, we meet the Fastest (Unemployed) Man on Earth... the Flash, Wal... nope, even during his heyday, Wally gets the shaft.  Let's meet Barry Allen.

The outta work jerk is getting evicted from his apartment, when he gets a ringy-dingy in his earpiece which tells him the League needs him... at least somebody does.

We then pop over and meet Hal... no, Kyle... no... wait... this is Guy Gardner???  Software salesman???  You gotta be kidding me.  He laments that while Barry's life is easy and clear-cut, this two-fisted man of floppy-disks lives a life most complex.  This is made completely obvious as we watch him... set a table for a romantic dinner.

Back with Ice, she's tracking a storm that's headed directly for New Metro, which so far as I can tell is right across the bridge from New Goth.  This would be the first hurricane in New Metro history, and as such she brings it to the attention of Mssr. Ferrar.  She then shows him a televised rant of some loon who has foretold of this storms pending arrival.  Miguel tells her she'd best track this thing "outside".

Let's rejoin Guy... as he sings opera to his date.  This Earth's Guy is apparently something of a virtuoso.  He learned an entire opera, just to make it up to his ginger goddess (Hell, she resembles Guy Gardner more than this clown) for his recent disappearances.  Wouldntcha know it, just as soon as he promises to always be around... duty calls.

We now meet "B.B." Da Costa.  Can't really sweat the B.B. here, as her full name is Beatriz Bonilla Da Costa.  She's a struggling actress and we watch her audition for the part of a banana in a fruit commercial.  After having a bit of an awkward meet-up with a potential beau, her Justice League communicator starts beeping... so this banana's gotta split (urgh).

Ray Palmer is an excited though under appreciated science teacher.  As he lectures his class, the students are far too interested in the amazing weather phenomena occurring outside the window.  I don't want to shock you, but Ray's JLA communicator goes off as well.  He dutifully puts some late-90's slacker stereotype in charge of the class and jams.

Ice and Miguel climb up to the top of their lab, and observe a tornado just about to hit the city (I thought they said it was a hurricane?  eh, maybe it's both).  We then jump to a scene where Guy in full Green Lantern regalia saves a child from a falling power line.  Fire rescues a team of workers from a fallen piece of... what looks like sheet rock, actually.  While this is happening, the Atom... rescues a cat, and our oddly chubby Flash slows the wind by running in counterclockwise circles.

The day (and New Metro) is saved, thanks in no small part to the Justice League.

Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present... your Justice League of America... in all it's awkward, operatic, and unemployed glory.

This is only the first segment of this relic.  We still have well over an hour of this awesomeness ahead of us.