Uncanny X-Men #282 (November, 1991) "Payback" Plot/Pencils - Whilce Portacio Script - John Byrne Inks - Art Thibert Colors - Dana Moreshead Letters - Tom Orzechowski Edits - Bob Harras Chief - Tom DeFalco Cover Price: $1.00
It's been a pretty rough few days, my friends... emotionally draining, and just plain unpleasantly busy overall. This is kind of embarrassing to admit, though perhaps it shouldn't be... but, I'm still processing the loss of our dog. It's been four months now, and the hurt just refuses to go away. If anything, it only seems to intensify. It makes it very difficult to do much of anything... as he was so, I dunno, entwined I guess, with everything I do on a daily basis. He was always there, by my side... no matter if I was writing, recording... or doing yard work or yoga. Every day, for fourteen years. And now... he's not. I don't think I've allowed myself to actually grieve properly... just kept forcing myself to push forward. That stuff... those feelings... they just don't "pass", I suppose. They're going to have to be faced and dealt with eventually... and, my subconscious appears to be drawing it out to make the sensation as painful and life-destroying as possible. On that happy note...
I'm dipping back into the old From Claremont to Claremont show-prep well to find anything I haven't already repurposed into a blog post for our humble and hollow internet home. I think I've found one worth "zsuszing up".
--
We open at the Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters, where the Prof and Forge are engaging in a game of Chess. Charles ekes out a win, and acknowledges that he knew Forge had activated a psychic dampener in order to keep things "fair". Before setting the board back up for a rematch, the pair are interrupted by the arrival of the Gold Strike Force... and a Sentinel head. This is a pretty ugly panel...
... though we do see via his bookshelf, that Professor X has been keeping up with the Infinity Gauntlet limited-series! So that's sorta fun.
Storm explains what happened last issue... which... even the editorial caption informs us isn't what actually happened. The wheels are coming off this book already! Bob Harras writes, "Not Quite what you saw last issue, but take our word for it! It's what happened!" Yeah, nice try...
The Professor is shocked to see Jean in such a state... and informs the team that, if she were actually dead, he'd have felt it when it happened. A deeper probe reveals that Jean Grey isn't actually dead... only displaced. But... where?
We shift scenes to Shinobi Shaw's penthouse apartment... the caption tells us it's late at night, even though the art makes it seem like it's pretty bright out. Anyhoo, Trevor Fitzroy is paying the man a visit to inform him that... well, he's won the game. Not only did he kill Donald Pierce, but he also took out the White Queen and her entire pack o' Hellions! We learn here that Jean Grey is actually occupying the mind of Emma Frost, by the way.
He demands Shinobi's ring... which, I guess denotes he's the leader of the Upstarts. Imagine that being the "topper" on your resume? Shinobi assures him he won't give it up without a fight... and so, Fitzroy decides he'll just cut the dude's finger off and take the ring by force.
Back at the Mansion, the X-Men put together a plot to save Jean. They deduce that Fitzroy's base is located on an iceberg somewhere in the Arctic. Forge and Professor X decide they're coming along on this mission... which appears to make Storm a little uneasy.
We rejoin Fitzroy, who is accompanied by his weird little sidekick, Bantam, and a trio of heavily-armored guards. Suddenly... a portal opens! This is rather a shock to Trevor, as he had nothing to do with it. From the portal springs... two men, who, in the process of passing through, wind up melded into one!
Fitzroy puts them out of their misery, and blames Bantam for the boner. Ya see, Fitzroy make'a the portals, and Bantam is supposed to be monitoring them all. Bantam reveals that this portal didn't seem strong enough to actually work... and so, he stopped paying it any mind. Or something. Bantam thinks to himself that Trevor needs to be more responsible with his powers... otherwise, ya never know who or what might crawl out of the next portal! Let's put a pin in that for the moment...
The X-Men arrive over the iceberg... and it's confirmed, as if we didn't already know, that Jean transferred her psyche into the nearest telepath last issue... and, of course, that telepath was Emma Frost. Xavier assumes this means that Frost is actually dead... but, again, finds it strange that he didn't "feel" her dying.
Back inside, Fitzroy prepares to "feed". His Sentinels warn that there's an aircraft approaching... but he silences them. He's surrounded by his hostage Hellions... and is getting ready to suck up all of their energies. He starts with Tarot. It's here where Fitzroy's speech pattern is really started to get to me... any time he addresses someone, he starts his statement with "My dear...", like "My dear Tarot.", or God forbid, "My dear Beef."
Fitzroy uses Tarot's energy to open up yet another portal. From this one, we meet a trio of gaudy geeks named Burke, Kroeger, and Stylles. Trevor and Kroeger have some contentious back-n-forth, resulting in the K-Man trying to leave through the same portal he entered... and learning the hard way that it was only a "one way" trip.
Just then, Jean Grey-as-Emma Frost reveals herself to be, ya know, awake... and lashes out at Fitzroy with some telekinetics. This, naturally, catches Trevor off-guard, as Emma Frost is "nothing more than a telepath" and shouldn't be able to do any of this.
Then... the cavalry arrives!
What follows are several pages of the X-Men just tearing through Fitzroy's Sentinel army. I can only wonder what Byrne might've thought when he got faxed these pages. Fitzroy has finally had enough, and rushes over to his hostage Hellions of drain more power than he'd ever drained before!
In turn, he uses this energy to... say it with me... open up yet another portal. From this one emerges... well, basically Morlocks from the future. Just a gaggle of interchangeable geeks... without any sort of defining characteristics.
The X-Men wipe the floor with them. Fitzroy is still pretty confident... but that all changes when some heavy firepower comes blasting through the still-open portal.
He turns in horror to see his old rival... Bishop (flanked by Malcolm and Randall Redshirt).
Uncanny X-Men #401 (January, 2002) "Golden: A Silent Interlude" Writer - Joe Casey Pencils - Ron Garney Inks - Mark Morales Colors - Hi-Fi Design Letters - Richard Starkings & Comicraft's Saida Temafonte Edits - Powers, Franco, Quesada Pres - Bill Jemas Cover Price: $2.25
Hey yo
While I'm on a brief hiatus from X-Lapsed, I've decided to kinda-sorta go back to my "roots" as a fake-ass comics content creator... maybe rediscover my love for this process, and hopefully find some bliss in order to press on with the endeavor.
But, what to write about? Is there anything I can write about that... I dunno, might help to expand the world of X-Lapsed? That might help to back-up any outrageous claims I may have made on the air? Or, maybe something X'y... but from an era I haven't spent a lot of time talking to death just yet?
Well, howsabout... some of the above? Now, if you've been listening to the show... okay, okay... who am I kidding, of course you haven't been -- but, if'n ya were, you might recall that I recently covered a story that I referred to as being the WORST X-Men story I'd ever read. That story was... X-Men Green by Gerry Duggan, which appeared in something like 45 installments of Marvel's X-Men Unlimited Infinity Comic.
It was preachy, it was unfunny... I'm tellin' ya, it's up there among the worst X-Men comics ever put to (digital) paper. And, I mean, if you've followed this blog for any length of time (going back to when it actually WAS a blog and not just a repository for my audio links), you'll know that I try to veer away from hyperbole in my writing and editorializing. I try to ride the fence and give the benefit of the doubt more often than not... and, indeed I tried going that route with X-Men Green... until it beat me into submission.
Now, why am I saying any of this? And what does X-Men Green have to do with anything? Well, ever since covering it, I've been on something of a personal "quest"... fighting off my hyperbolic comments... trying to find WORSE stories in X-Men history.
And, for awhile, I was comin' up empty. That is, until I refreshed my memory on the book we're about to discuss today.
This issue, my friends... well, I'd say it "speaks for itself", but -- well, it's a NUFF SAID issue, so it kinda doesn't... and that's one of the bigger problems with it. Notice that I said "one of" the problems... because, boy howdy - it doesn't stop there.
Now, if you're newer to comics, or lapsed from comics, or have wisely selectively blocked NUFF SAID Month from your memory, I have spoken about it on the air during the Giant-Size X-Men: Jean Grey & Emma Frost episode of X-Lapsed... which I'd recently collected into a giant-size great big compilation episode of the X-Lapsed Triple-Dip. If you're interested in checking it out, click the pic below!
Now, with the shilling and stage-setting out of the way... howsabout I quit with the vampin' and make with the unfunny spoilin' of a twenty-year old (Jeez, where did my life go) book?
--
We open with our man, Sean Cassidy pourin' one out for the recently deceased Moira MacTaggert. Ooookay, if you're a current year X-Fan, this might require a bit of x-planation. I mean, Hickman did a good job making the Moira-ness of his story "fit" and "work", but if all's you know of Moira is that she's a mutant with the power to come back to life over and over again... resetting the timeline with each death -- well, this here is the fallout of her pre-HoXPoX "dead is dead" death. Sean Cassidy, Banshee, and she had an on-again/off-again romantic entanglement... and so, our man was hit pretty hard when she faked her death using a Shi'ar Golem or whatever the hell it was. We'll follow his breakdown throughout this issue... and also chat about what the original wardrobe for this breakdown was gonna be when we're thru! From here, we get our... ahem, Single-Page Spread of ROLL CALL and Cred (only three of the six characters featured actually appear)... which, kinda breaks the rules of the NUFF SAID! gimmick... but, I mean... who cares, right?
From here, we shift scenes over to, what the included script refers to as a "medieval-style castle", which... sure, why not? Here, we see the not-yet unmutanted Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch, joined by the new-look "movie-handsome" Toad... as they are approached by... umm, some dark-haired woman. Who dat? Well, we'll get there in a sec...
But first, whoever this is needs to (literally) swap spit with ol' Mortimer. Like... furreal... this is one sloppy wet kiss. Like, I could almost gag looking at it. Magneto then appears... and the gal is run through with a spear.
Buuuut, then we find out that... it was allllll an illllllllusion. Ya see, gang, this is Lady Mastermind... and she's been captured by... uh, some uniformed dudes? Okay, now if you were reading the X-Books back in ye' old 2002, you might be saying: "But Chris, you handsome idiot - I thought Lady Mastermind had blawnde hair... and she was just (as in the week before this book came out) in an issue of X-Treme X-Men." Now, if you were to say that... I'd respond with, "Wow, you've got a mighty impressive memory!" and I would also suggest that, with such care and respect for continuity across titles, that perhaps our current-year crew of X-Men Editors have figured out the secret of time-travel. And, oh by the way... these soldiers, believe it or not... are Jamie Madrox. Never mind that their faces don't look alike (and the fact that they just look like The Manhunters from DC)... just take my (and the included script's) word for it.
Anyway, we follow the Manhuntdroxes (the same ones? other ones? - who knows?) into a gas-cloud-filled hallway, where one of 'em... either shoots into an empty room or... no, that's exactly what it looks like he did. Anyway, this room is apparently where Mystique is... was... might be being held prisoner. It's nice of her captors to provide a name plate for her door (does that break the NUFF SAID! rule?)! That's captivity in style!
So, everybody havin' fun so far? No? Well... it's about to get even better/worse, because our next stop is Chappaqua -- ya know, that small city in New York where the Clintons bought a home so that Hillary could run for Senate in the state? That's... not an "outta nowhere" political comment, by the way -- one of the Clintons is about to show up in the book. And yeah, it's as dumb as it sounds. Dumber, in fact!
Okay, so... we're in Chappaqua... with Wolverine. He breaks into the Clinton home, where he finds the security detail all laying about with huge (satisfied) smiles on their faces... and (no joke) likely a desperate need for a change of drawers. I promise I'm not joking.
Because, ya see... Logan's on the trail of our newest X-Man... Stacy-X - who... um, broke into the Clinton compound with the express purpose of helping Bill bust a n... err, have an orga... hmm... uh, "sleep comfortably"? And, by the looks of it... she was successful. Thankfully, Garney isn't drawing with any semblance of hyper-realism... because, I mean... nevermind. Let's forget this happened. Actually... first, I'm gonna make you look at the panel... then, we can forget this happened.
You might be asking yourself... why in the bluest of hells did we need a scene like this? Well, the answer to that question is two-fold... sadly, neither of those folds make any sense. Ya see, this wasn't originally going to be Bill Clinton unwittingly getting his rocks off... the script originally called for this to be Stacy coaxing some fluids outta Rudy Giuliani (those pages of script aren't included in the issue... but, I've tracked 'em down - and I'll share 'em down below). But, well... this issue came out in December, 2001... just a couple months after the attacks... and so, Rudy was seen as "America's Mayor" at that point -- so, they changed it to Clinton. Now, you might be asking what that "other fold" of the two-fold x-planation might be... and, uh... honestly, so am I! Oh, hey, look - Stacy's here!
And, well... we get a fight scene... that just stops. Next we know, Wolverine and Stacy are hanging out watching TV. Okay then... that totally makes the Presidential spunk scene worthwhile, dunnit? Anyway, Nightcrawler BAMFs into the room, and gets in Stacy's face. Why? Who knows... and, well... I know I'm not the funniest dude in the world, but I can't even think of something UNfunny to say here.
Oh Lord, we're only halfway thru...
The scene continues to play out... Wolverine pulls Kurt aside and motions for Stacy to stay quiet. Why? Who knows! In any event, Nightcrawler appears to be okay with whatever it is Logan told him... and so, he leaves. Maybe he knew Bubba was pent up and needed a release? It can't be easy bein' Bill...
From here, we shift over to Operation: Dumbo Drop... where, the Blob is carried to the X-Corps HQ via helicopter. But, why? Again, who knows? I think the helicopters are being flown by Madroxes... but, honestly - I wouldn't bet a thin dime on it. Anyway, he arrives, and is led inside by a pair of unrecognizable fellows. Hey, at least we can tell who the Blob is, right? Apparently, these two Blob flankers are Avalanche and Radius. I'd wager that most X-Fans are at least somewhat familiar with Avalanche from his time as Pyro's pal in Freedom Force and what-not. But, Radius? Well, he's a bit of a deep-cut. Ya see, he's from Volume Two of Alpha Flight... which, to me, is still some of the finest Alpha Flight ever put to paper. Anyway, it was alluded to there that Radius was/is related to Unus the Untouchable. He's given the wrong hair color here, which I could only assume is a result of our colorist thinking he was supposed to be Banshee?
Speaking of Banshee, Ol' Dukes is led into his... office? Board Room? Dining Hall? Whatever it is, it's full of X-Men busts... and, Blob does NOT look happy to be there.
This, mercifully, takes us to our ending. Banshee bellows at the Blob, kayoing him... and, closes out by, uh, sinisterly smiling at the camera?
--
So.
That was Uncanny X-Men #401. What'dja all think? It's quite the issue, innit? Is it as horrid as X-Men Green? Well... yes and no. I mean, it's so tragic that I wouldn't be at all surprised if FEMA were called in to deal with it -- but, it's so batspit insane that it transcends being "just a bad comic".
I think to properly contextualize (at least to the best of my abilities) this issue, we need to look at exactly what was going on in the X-Men and the world back in mid-2001 (when I assume/hope this was written... for reasons we'll discuss in a bit). Marvel Comics was under the rule of Bill Jemas and Joe Quesada. I'm on record as saying that this was probably one of the more exciting times to be a comic book fan. Jemas and Quesada did a lot to bring Marvel back from the brink of bankruptcy... both financially and creatively. They were smart enough to leave good things alone (at least at the start), but also knew when a change of direction was needed for certain titles/franchises.
Case(y) in point, the X-Men. When Jemas and Quesada took over from Bob Harras, the X-Books were back under the purview and vision of Chris Claremont. This was... something of a misfire. It was an impossible position... to be honest, and I felt bad for Claremont almost immediately. He was basically tasked with competing with... himself. The Claremont of the 1980's was not who we got at the turn of the century. And, well, in hindsight, it was probably (read: definitely) unfair of the fandom to assume we would.
What we did get was... something different. Seemingly purposefully different... which, is, unfortunately, not what anybody wanted. The Claremont "Revolution" X-Men was this odd amalgam of "new" and "old". New concepts... that, weren't ever going to be properly fleshed out (Ruhmembuh the Neo?), with a writing style that was at least two-generations removed from sounding timely or "with it". The old Claremontisms of characters standing around and loudly introducing themselves at one another - "Face me, Villain - for I AM STORM!" or "My name, dear [bad guy] is Elisabeth Braddock - though, YOU may call me PSYLOCKE!" - it was cringingly bad stuff.
So, enter the new regime -- and an all-new take on our X-Men. Claremont would be shifted over to his own sandbox with X-Treme X-Men... where, some of our favorites could continue to loudly introduce themselves to each other, while (adjectiveless) X-Men was retitled New X-Men and given over to Grant Morrison, and Uncanny would wind up in the hands of Joe Casey.
Now, why am I spending so much time setting the stage? Well, a) I think it's necessary, and b) I'm almost certainly vamping so I don't have to give my deeper thoughts about this issue quite yet.
Since this IS Uncanny, let's talk Joe Casey's time on the book. Casey wasn't new to the X-Books, and in fact had (relatively) recently wrapped up a highly acclaimed run on Cable. Joe Casey (and Jose Ladronn)'s Cable was an absolute (and unexpected) highlight of the late-90's X-Books. Never before had Cable been so humanized and relatable. Casey was building the book up for its big Millennial payoff... and the "final" battle between Nathan and Apocalypse. That is, before Marvel nyoinked both the rug and story away, and gave us the abominable Twelve storyline. That reminds me, has anybody actually taken credit for writing Cable #75 yet? Eh, nevermind, that's a story for another day...
So, when Joe Casey was announced as taking over Uncanny... many of us were quite excited. The comics press of the day (read: Wizard) assumed that between Casey's Uncanny and Morrison's New, we were stood at the precipice of a new Golden Age for the X-Men... and, well... they were half-right.
It seemed like for the months leading up to the launch, we'd get barraged with interviews from the new X-Arbiters... and, while Grant always seemed to come across as being rather reserved about his plans - Casey was more "in your face" about how "evolutionary" and "envelope-pushing" his run was going to be. I'll just let him tell it...
"The book's about evolution. Aside from the actual storylines, the book itself should be the evolution of comics."
"This is what mainstream comics should be doing."
"When this stuff comes out... people are going to be imitating it for the next couple of years."
"It's our job to be completely ahead of the curve as much as we possibly can, to push every direction just as far as we can."
We... well, I can't speak for X-Fandom as a whole... hell, the current-year X-Fandom refuses to acknowledge I even exist! So, I can only speak for myself when I say - I was excited to see where Joe Casey would take the book.
And, well... then the books started to come out. And, while they weren't bad by any stretch (until this issue), they certainly weren't "evolutionary" or anything that was worthy of imitation. It was a fairly conservative book... especially when compared with its actually progressive, envelope-pushing, and genre-redefining Grant Morrison-penned sister-book.
The Casey run, up to this point, was... another take on the Mutant Massacre (this time in London!), Chamber entering into a romance with a pop-star (totally not the same thing as when Cannonball was getting with Lila Cheney), and... the Vanisher selling drugs? Okay. Like I said, not the worst ideas... but, falling just a hair (or entire toupee) short of expectations.
Looks like Joe was saving all his "worst ideas" for this issue. This was an issue whose story kind of preceded itself. Does that sentence make even an ounce of sense? Probably not... but, bear with me. If you know nothing else about this issue (which is to say, if you skipped my entire spoilery synopsis and hopped down here), you might still know about the controversy surrounding it's earliest teaser images. You'll probably have heard that Banshee and his X-Corps were adorned in Nazi-regalia... but, you may not have actually seen (or seen in awhile) those... problematic sketches.
Well, how y'all like these apples:
I tell ya what, it's probably been every bit of twenty years since I'd last seen that. In fact, I spent the better part of an hour trying to find it just now... I actually wound up finding it on, of all things, and ancient GEOCITIES page (ancient... Geocities, redundant much?). Anyway, I'd forgotten quite how "in your face"... and stupidly misguided it was. Sure, this was in days days of Web 1.0, and less in the way of fashionable social media outrage... but, even so -- this is a bit much, dontchathink? THIS was what "mainstream comics should be doing"? This is, what "comics will imitate for the next few years"? Welp, since that wasn't the case, I truly think we're in the right timeline.
Thankfully cooler (and wiser) heads prevailed... and we didn't get Nazi-Banshee. Lord knows he'd never be able to shake that stink off. It'd be like Hank Pym smackin' his wife or Speedy... well, doing smack! I just can't believe it was ever on the table in the first place... and actually got sketched up. I gotta wonder how the notes to the artist actually read. Did it just say "Make him a Nazi"... or "Nazi him up real good"? I couldn't imagine.
Speaking of bad ideas... let's move on to the most bewildering scene in the issue... and perhaps in the near-sixty years of X-Men comics... Stacy X bustin' Bill Clinton's... err, um... I apologize, that's disgusting. Stacy X providing relief to Bill Clinton. Now, I feel like I'm playing social media BINGO here... we've got Nazis, and here we have... I dunno, can we use the "r" word? I mean, I didn't see Bubba give his consent. I feel weird even discussing it... so, we'll just leave that bit there.
Howsabout we look at the proposed-Giuliani-ness of the script. Now, I mentioned in the synopsis that this was originally supposed to be, then New York City Mayor, Rudy Giuliani in the role of the unwitting orgasmer. I can only assume that the script was written pre-9/11 and changed after. Though, with Mr. Casey... he may've written this post-9/11, and was making an attempt at edginess by slighting "America's Mayor".
Below I will be including the pages of script that Marvel put in the back of the physical issue... which, unfortunately ends before the Bill Clinton scene. We would have to go to the prehistoric Marvel web-site for the remaining pages. Those pages, however, are long gone. After a bit of digging, however, I managed to find the pages in question. And, as if Joe Casey hasn't already made quite the twat of himself... let's check these out (bolded emphasis mine):
PAGE ELEVEN
TWO PANELS
Panel 1.
Inside the bedroom now. Candlelight causes eerie, flickering lighting. Angle on the door, carefully being pushed open by Wolverine, who is already taking a cautious step into the bedroom. He's already seeing something off-panel that puts a look of extreme disappointment on his face.
Panel 2.
Big panel on the page. Wolverine's POV, looking into the master bedroom of the mansion (so it's pretty big). Candles lit all over the room. Lots of shadows. Zooming in on the king-size bed, which is completely trashed. Drenched with sweat. Sheets wadded up at the foot of the bed, pillows ripped apart, feathers leaking out. There are night tables on either side of the bed (upon one is a beeper/pager that you might want to establish here). In the middle of the bed, completely laid out on his back, spread eagle like a sexual slave, is Rudolph Giuliani (since this is the silent issue, we can get away with this if we're smart about it... not naming him by name, try to get his likeness as close as possible. Those in the know should absolutely get the joke... the one or two X-Men readers who might be at all politically aware...). Giuliani is wearing only boxer shorts, a torn wife-beater T-shirt and his designer dress shoes. He's also wearing one of those "sleep blindfolds" that rich people sometimes wear (why, you might ask? Because even though we're not naming names, I've been told we need to be very careful with the Guliani likeness... thus, the blindfold partially hides his face). He's so whacked out, he doesn't even know where he is. He's got a dizzy smile on his face. Some serious sexual stuff has been going on in this bedroom...
PAGE TWELVE
FIVE PANELS
Panel 1.
Wolverine walks over to the bed, in the flickering candlelight. Giuliani doesn't even register his presence. Wolverine is looking down at the Mayor, disgusted.
Panel 2.
Small panel. Angle on the beeper/pager on the night table, which is now vibrating and lighting up.
Panel 3.
Another small panel. Wolverine's head whipping around as the beeper (off-panel here, obviously) gets his attention. The candlelight flickering on his face.
Panel 4.
The beeper in the foreground, at the bottom of the panel. Wolverine above it, looking down at it, reaching down with one hand to pick it up. The shadows of the room in the background behind him.
Panel 5.
Wide panel. Action shot. Wolverine (now holding the beeper) in the foreground, whirling around as Stacy X (wearing her skimpy X-uniform) leaps out of the shadows in a kung-fu style kick. She looks pissed off. Wolverine doesn't look surprised at all... he was waiting for her to make her move.
Okay, so - this confirms a couple of things. a) Rudy was the original orgasmer, and b) Joe Casey thinks very little of his audience! Now, I'll admit to being denser than most... hell, that's almost one of my catchphrases at this point... but, here's the thing: why in the world is this in an issue of X-Men? Did Joe Casey just really wanna make a comment about Rudy Giuliani's marriage falling apart while he was in office... and couldn't have jammed it into one of his more transgressive works? And if so... why keep the scene when Rudy was taken off the table?
Like, what did this prove... that we didn't already know about Stacy-X? We know she's an orgasm-facilitator... we know she worked at a Mutant Brothel... was this scene necessary? I mean, I'm no prude or nothin', but this just comes across as high school-level "comedy". Like, was there a single soul who saw this scene, and even... I dunno, smirked? Half-smiled? Did one of those "inhale-snort" laughs to themselves? Doubt it. It was stupid... it was immature... and, all it did was make it so the Chuck Austen run that followed could be viewed more favorably in retrospect... and, that my friends, is unforgiveable.
I suppose the fact that I've been writing and researching this piece since 5:30am (it's currently about 10:30), tells me that... well, I've been writing and researching this piece for about four hours too many. Wow, sure said a lot of words about a book with NO WORDS in it! And, hell... I'm not even gonna waste your time going into the Lady Mastermind boner!
Anyway, I'll wrap it up here -- and thank you all for reading. Here's some "Not the Letters Page" back-matter...
Merry X-Lapsed 2020 Collection (00:00:00) X-Men #98: "Merry Christmas, X-Men - The Sentinels Have Returned!" (00:28:52) Uncanny X-Men #341: "When Strikes a Gladiator!" (00:57:08) Uncanny X-Men #143: "Demon" (01:25:40) X-Men (vol.2) #109: "Ceremonies" (01:57:41) Generation X #4: "Between the Cracks"glyni Writers - Chris Claremont, Scott Lobdell, & John Byrne Pencils - Dave Cockrum, Joe Madureira, John Byrne, Tom Derenick, & Chris Bachalo Inks - Sam Grainger, Tim Townsend, Terry Austin, Rick Ketchum, Norm Rapmund, & Mark Buckingham Letters - Joe Rosen, Comicraft, Richard Starkings, Tom Orzechowski, Saida Temafonte, Colors - Janice Cohen, Steve Buccellato, Glynis Wein, Liquid!, Electric Crayon Edits - Wolfman, Liebig, Powers, Jones, Shooter, Harras
Inviting you to spend a couple hours of your Christmas with me... and the X-Men!
Closing out our Holiday Week by collecting the five "Merry X-Lapsed" episodes from 2020!
--
TIMESTAMPS:
(00:00:00) X-Men #98: "Merry Christmas, X-Men - The Sentinels Have Returned!" (00:28:52) Uncanny X-Men #341: "When Strikes a Gladiator!" (00:57:08) Uncanny X-Men #143: "Demon" (01:25:40) X-Men (vol.2) #109: "Ceremonies" (01:57:41) Generation X #4: "Between the Cracks"
Uncanny X-Men #365 (February, 1999) "Ghost of XMas Past" Writer - Steve Seagle Pencils - Chris Bachalo Inks - Art Thibert, Tim Townsend, & Aaron Sowd Colors - Liquid! & Monica Kubina Letters - Richard Starkings, John Roshell, & Comicraft's Albert Deschesne Edits - Powers, Harras Cover Price: $2.25 On-Sale: December 2, 1998
Welcome back to Merry X-Lapsed, where we're going to pop in on the criminally (?) short Kelly/Seagle era to dig into a Christmas Carol riff with a Russian twist! Colossus is back in the mansion after a time away... and is being haunted by both stilted dialogue, and a Ghost of XMas Past!
Who could it possibly be? Oh, yew know...
We'll talk a little bit about this era of X-Books (without context) and discuss the power of Guilt as story motivation! It's tons of fun for everyone... I hope you'll join me!
Uncanny X-Men #230 (June, 1988) "Twas the night..." Writer - Chris Claremont Pencils - Marc Silvestri Inks - Joe Rubenstein Colors - Glynis Oliver Letters - Tom Orzechowski Edits - Nocenti & DeFalco Cover Price: $1.00
Kicking off Year Two of "Merry X-Lapsed" by checking in with the Outback Era! Longshot is haunted by inanimate objects via his psychometric powers, which force our heroes to play Santa Claus, on... of all nights, Christmas Eve!
Also: Dazzler wishes she was dead, and Havok dresses like a janitor!
It's a fun, heartwarming... if perhaps a little too syrupy sweet, story -- but one that's definitely worth your time!
We're now at two weeks in a row... which is one week longer than I thought it'd go!
We've still got several weeks until this gets really good (is that the word for it?)... so for now, we've got a bit more Austenian World Building to commence with. We've gotta establish our team, before we get to The Draco, the exploding Communion wafers, and the bangin' (oh Lord, the bangin')...
So, without further ado...
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We open in the Blackbird, with Professor X trying to psychically sooth Stacy-X long enough for her to perform CPR on Angel. Sammy the Squid Boy is in such awe of this... that he breaks off into his own exposition-laden narration boxes. Fair play though, this is something comics used to... and in many case, still probably should do. Xavier loses contact with Stacy... and fears the worst. Hank says he'll get them to Scotland STAT. Speaking of Scotland... X-Stacy (which, I mean - why didn't they just call her that?) fears that the Juggernaut is about to kill them all.
See? In fairness to her - the Juggernaut is charging right at them with a furrowed brow while bearing all of his teeth... so, yeah - stands to reason she'd think that. Remember this, it's going to be very important.
Iceman wakes up and has some words of encouragement for Stacy...
Oh yeah, one of the hallmarks of this run is that very few of Austen's chosen characters are going to be portrayed in any way likeable. They also talk like they're on The Howard Stern Show, and like to bang in public... but, we'll get there. Anyway, Bobby blasts Juggernaut with an ice shaft, meaning he didn't get the memo that Nothing Can Stop the Juggernaut*. The baddie even mocks Iceman, claiming that the ice thing never works**. Cain rushes over to Wolverine, who had been impaled on a wooden stake... and yanks the thing out of his chest.
Iceman then sends out another ice blast... and we learn that Nothing Can Stop the Juggernaut... except an ice blast. Meanwhile, Stacy-X wonders how she might keep the dyin' Angel's blood flowing. Err, doesn't her mutant power sorta-kinda have something to do with controlling "blood flow"? Maybe tap into that?
Just then, a bunch of Krakoan vines burst from the ground - grabbing poor Warren and nyoinking him to the down below. Nightcrawler just stands there, dumbfounded... while Bobby and Logan continue to fight the Juggernaut. If I'm not mistaken, Bobby even suggests that they retreat... which would mean leaving Warren (and Monet) behind. I'm tellin' ya, Professor Xavier the X-Men are jerks.
Juggernaut has the sudden realization that Nothing Can Stop Him... and so, he begins punching his way through Bobby's drip-drip. When he finally gets close enough to our heroes, he informs them that HE made the distress call to their "eight-hundred number".
Well, those of us who have already learned to be X-Tra Safe, know that Xavier's doesn't have an "eight-hundred number"... it's just a local call... well, international long-distance to those calling from Scotland, I suppose. I wonder if Cain used 10-10-220? Y'all remember having to dial that before making your long-distance call? Yikes.
Anyhoo, Juggernaut and the X-Men spend a whole nother page discussing the misunderstanding that's eaten up the last several pages before that. Each side is calling out the other for being jerks... which, well... valid points are being made. This conversation is thankfully interrupted by more Krakoan vines! Any guesses who are big-bad's going to be? We're in Ireland Scotland, we're dealing with a plant-like threat, and our point of contact is Juggernaut. Any guesses? Oh by the way... always remember, Nothing Can Stop the Juggernaut... except vines. Is that me being unfair? Probably.
We next shift scenes to Rosy Manor Convalescent Hospital in Upstate New York... not to be confused with the actual Rose Manor Hospital in Durham, North Carolina... which I only just found out about by Googling in attempt to appear more worldly and knowledgeable than I actually am. It's here we meet Annie Gaz... Ghaz... Gharz... hold on, *ahem* it's here we meet Annie Ghazikhanian. Ghazikhanian? Welp, that's not going to be fun to type as often as we're probably going to have to. Thank goodness this isn't an audio offering... yet. If anyone out there wants to help coach me with this, I'm not too proud to beg! Anyhoo, Annie Gh... Annie, is a Nurse here at Rosy Manor - and she's kind of fallen in love with a catatonic patient/resident... with a scar over his right eye. The other Nurses are torn between feeling bad for her... and, in a way envying her. We learn that Annie is a single-mother, which will hopefully not go on to be her sole defining characteristic***.
Annie wheels Al... err, her patient outside for some fresh air and natural light... and notices that anytime he's in the sun he "Nnnnhh..."s a bit. It's here we meet Annie's son, Carter Gaz... a-hem, Carter, who is reading The Daily BugleNewstrack, which is running an article on the "Mutant hideaway" the Xavier School. There, as luck would have it, is a picture of... her catatonic boyfriend - he's one half**** of the amazing flying Summers Brothers, Alex Summers!
Back in Scotland, the X-Men (+Juggernaut, -Iceman & Nightcrawler) are all wrapped up in the vines. Worth noting, there are also some humans and bones all strung up here as well.
Juggernaut finally reveals what we already figured out - the threat here is: Black Tom Cassidy. Upon learning this, Wolverine takes the opportunity to make a gay joke (because Austen+2002). Should we start keeping a running counter for all the lazy gay jokes we're going to hear during The Austen Run? Remember, Northstar will eventually join the cast! Let me know in the comments!
Now, Black Tom is gone quite mad... and has grown quite powerful. Cain pleads with him to let the X-Men help... but Tom ain't havin' it. Instead he rams his thorny barbs into Juggernaut's eye-holes and mouth. Kinky. So yeah, Nothing Can Stop the Jug... nevermind.
We shift down below, where Bobby and Kurt are walking through some catacombs. It's here Bobby has an idea. Seeing the vines and roots, and knowing that they likely belong to whoever the big bad is... he decides to use his ice powers in a very unique way. He freezes the water in the green... which gives them a way to easily track them to their "trunk". Ya know, this is actually pretty cool. Back in the day, people really seemed to struggle coming up with unique ways to make Bobby's power appear to be useful... and to show that Bobby himself was something of a force to be reckoned with. This sort of use of his abilities is quite inspired.
Scene shift, back to Annie the G making call to Xavier's. Since she's upstate already, I don't think it'd be such a big deal to just make the local call. Anyhoo, Xavier's is closed... but, she leaves a message for Scott Summers, claiming that she might've found his thought dead brother. Scott is just shocked to learn that Alex was missing in the first place!
We wrap up back in Scotland, where Bobby and Kurt follow the icy vines to their source... ultimately discovering that they belong to Black Tom, and also that Tom's got the team all tied up and/or about to sing the chorus to "Twist and Shout".
Well, shake it up, baby, now...
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Well, what we get here is another very traditional X-Men outing... with a standard "Marvel misunderstanding" between the heroes and who they believe to be the villain. Nothing all that special here, in as far as our A-Plot is concerned.
I suppose I could comment on how stupid is was for the Juggernaut to come charging at the X-Men, even though it was he who summoned them for aid... but, that's more of a Marvel thing than an Austen thing, innit? We need some action that doesn't involve botanical bondage... and, that was going to be it.
Our entire team here... actually, check that - our entire team x-cept Stacy (oddly enough), comes across as real a-holes here. Just really snippy, sarcastic, and dismissive of one another. Not a likeable bunch... which, I'll use my powers of projection to suggest that Uncanny was attempting to evoke the tone of the (at the time) wildly popular Ultimate X-Men? It's been ages since I read that, but I seem to remember none of those characters being all that pleasant to be around either.
Let's talk Annie Gotzhergun and Havok. This, I recall, was what I was most looking forward to seeing play out back in the long ago. Havok, who "perished" in X-Factor #149, actually wound up suffering a far worse fate than death! He was whisked away to another dimension to star in the Mutant X series!
And yes, yes, I know - Mutant X had a strong opening arc... but, after that completely fell off the cliff. Mutant X was a constant threat I had made to Reggie for an episode of the Cosmic Treadmill... and, ooh boy, what an episode that would've been!
Anyhoo, nobody in the 616 seemed to care that Alex was "dead"... it barely got a passing mention in any of the X-Books. After thirty-something issues of Mutant X, and I believe being bitten by Dracula... Alex Summers was somehow returned to his proper Earth, with nothing more than a slight scar over his right eye (which comes and goes) to remember it by.
I remember being pretty jazzed that he was coming back... and actually joining a flagship team. I'd missed Havok's first go-round with the X-Men Proper, only ever following the books while he was a member of X-Factor. So yeah, I was excited to see this play out. Boy, talk about a monkey's paw wish...
Iceman using his powers in unique ways seemed to be something that stumped a lot of writers. Iceman, by all accounts, should be wildly powerful and versatile -- they've even written whole stories about him not living up to his mutant potential - and yet, during this era, not all that much was done to correct that. Bobby was usually relegated to just being "An X-Man"... a dude who stood in the background, who was given the lines that could've been said by anybody.
That said, it was pretty neat seeing him realize he could use his powers to work with the vines. Even though... I mean, he and Kurt would have eventually found Black Tom anyway... considering that the entire middle section of the wrecked castle was teeming with vines and hogtied mutants - but, points for the effort!
Overall - this doesn't really have many of the Austenian Hallmarks many of us fake-ass comics historians like to dismissively raise our enlightened eyebrows at... this is just a traditional outing with the Uncannies, setting up stories yet to come, while furthering the main plot long enough to hit a designated page count. Not much to get excited nor angry about... just another issue!
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*Most things seem to stop the Juggernaut
**X-Cept, ya know, on the very next page
***What do you think?
****I guess, technically, he's now one-fourth of the Summers Brothers
