Superman (vol.2) #70 (1992)

Superman (vol.2) #70 (August, 1992)
"Raising the Stakes"
Story & Art - Dan Jurgens
Finished Art - Brett Breeding
Letterer - John Costanza
Colorist - Glenn Whitmore
Assistant Editor - Dan Thorsland
Editor - Mike Carlin
Cover Price: $1.25

Man, all these vampires wanna dig their fangs into the Man of Steel...

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We open with Superman and Robin discussing the best way to take care of a vampire.  Robin stands firm that the only way is a stake through the heart, while Superman would rather that be an absolute last-ditch approach.  He considers the vampires to still be "people", despite Robin's thoughts to the contrary.  He cites Batman as having told him that "extreme problems require extreme solutions".

They decide to pop in on a convalescing Jimmy Olsen.  This is apparently the second part of a two-part story... I'll have to try and dig out part one... he's currently got himself a busted wing, however, he'd much rather be out looking for his girlfriend Lucy Lane (who has recently suffered a vampire bite) than laying in hospital.  He asks Superman to find and help her.

Superman agrees and flies off, leaving the boys behind.  Once he's out of earshot, Robin and Jimmy (who Tim calls "Red" for most of this issue) decide to take matters into their own hands... yeah, that sounds like a good idea, right?

Meanwhile... in Hell, Little Burp is reporting to Blaze that while reconciling their soul count, they've come up a bit short.  Blaze demands to know what's going on, and he reveals that the problem appears to be bound to Metropolis.  Blaze says "he" must be interfering... that he, if I'm not mistaken (and I very well might be), is her brother Satanus.

Blaze takes a look into Metropolis to see what's what, and witnesses Sam Foswell, formerly of the Daily Planet, about to commit suicide via leaping off a bridge.  She decides to take the form of an angel to convince him to allow her to "save his soul".  She leaves him floating for a moment, before he starts to fall again.

Just in time for Superman to nyoink him outta the sky...

We shift scenes to Lucy Lane's apartment where the vampiric Baron Ruthven climbs into her window.  He informs her that it is dark... and safe.  She then leans her head back, allowing him to plunge his fangs into her throat.

We get a brief bit with Red (and) Robin, where they use a fancy modem to tap into Lucy's alarm system.  They discover that somebody broke in just moments earlier, and realize it's time to make their move.  Meanwhile, Superman arrives to the Lane apartment only to find it... empty.  Well, not completely empty, there is a (very thick and viscous) puddle of blood.

So where's Lucy?  Well, that's easy... She, Ruthven, and a group of other vamps have convened at... a graveyard.  C'mon, Baron... what's with the cliches?  Anyhoo, Jimmy and Robin come driving up the way.  Robin asks Red if he's willing to make a pretty big sacrifice to improve their odds... and so, they put the pedal to the metal... and bail out just before Jimmy's ride goes careening into a tree by the clan o' vamps.

Baron Ruthven nabs the boys by their collars acting like he's an undead Mr. Belding, but as luck would have it... and according to plan, Superman was alerted by Jimmy's car going boom... and he's here to pull their fat out of the fire.

A battle rages... Superman is powerless against Ruthven's magic-based powers, Robin is jumping about while wielding an oaken stake and we even get a brief look at Jimmy Olsen "Man of Action" as he serves up some chin music for his undead girlfriend.

After the tussle, Ruthven holds down a struggling Superman and invites Lucy to come "take a bite".  With her back turned, Robin pounces with designs on plunging that stake through her... man, Tim... you just really wanna stab a vampire, don'tcha?  Anyhoo, Robin ain't all that successful, as Jimmy jumps him before he makes contact.  Robin's all "good job, jackass... now we've got an undead Superman!"

Well, no... of course we don't.  As soon as Lucy's fangs break Clark's skin, there is a burst of hell-fire light with the intensity of the Sun.  I thought for a moment this was the whole "Superman is a solar battery" thing, but alas... it's all Satanus' doing.

All of the vamps in training are cured, and Baron Ruthven winds up impaling himself on a World War I statue's bayonet.

The issue wraps up with Sam Foswell returning home and running into Mr. Thornton from NewsTime who has a job offer for him.  He takes this as a sign that his guardian angel is really looking out for him.  The pair go for a stroll, and we see that one of Ruthven's vampire gals is watching in the distance.

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I don't think this is an unpopular opinion, but I always dig Superman and Robin team-ups.  There's just such a different dynamic that that between Batman and Robin.  You get the feeling that Superman is like the cool uncle, or older brother who went away to college while Robin was still quite young.  Just a lot of fun seeing them interact.

Speaking of interacting... Jimmy and Robin... how many times was Tim gonna call poor Olsen "Red"... I lost count halfway through.  Not too big a deal, just got a bit grating there.  I mean, Jimmy's been through so much... undead girlfriend, broken arm... last thing he needs is a cute name from Tim.

Considering I wouldn't start following the Superman books until... oh, ya know... a few months after this, the Blaze/Satanus thing was a story I'd totally missed out on, so I'm not totally clear on what it's all about.  From the bits included here, I think I probably ought to get around to reading it sometime soon... but I'm saying that a lot lately.

Overall, this was a fun issue.  It's not often enough that Robin hangs out with Superman... and it was a blast seeing Jimmy in action as well.

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Superman: The Man of Steel #99 (2000)

Superman: The Man of Steel #99 (April, 2000)
"All that Dwell in Dark Waters"
"In the Belly of the Beast"
Writer - Mark Schultz
Pencillers - Pablo Raimondi & Doug Mahnke
Inker - Sean Parsons
Letterer - Ken Lopez
Colorist - Glenn Whitmore
Separations - Wildstorm FX
Associate Editor - Maureen McTigue
Editor - Eddie Berganza
Cover Price: $1.99

More spooky-Superman... well, not really.

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We open on the Kent farm.  Ma, Pa, and Clark are sitting around the dinner table... and the folks are a bit curious as to why Clark flew solo for this visit.  This is the time when Lois wasn't really Lois... but the Parasite... which may be the very definition of "strange bedfellows".  Luckily (I guess), Clark uses his super-hearing to note that someone drove their car into nearby Drear Lake.  Saved by the accident, Superman takes off while Ma and Pa hem and haw.

As he approaches Drear Lake, Superman mentions that all during his youth this lake was rumored to have been haunted.  He plunges into the drink, and finds that the passenger of the runaway car is none other than Lana Lang... because, of course it is.  After bringing her to safety, she tells him that her husband Pete Ross is still down there... back in the lake our man goes.

Underwater, Superman opens the car like a tin can and proceeds to pull Pete out.  He is then confronted by perhaps the homeliest looking "Lady of the Lake" I've ever seen.  I mean, she's got the male pattern baldness thing going, which makes her look not unlike Benjamin Franklin.  She reveals herself to be Ukulele... er, Unketeli... and lispily informs Superman that she "claimsss thissss one", meaning Pete... because "he isss evil".

Superman's all "nuh-uh" and heat heat visions the water-witch... only after she gives him her secret origin.  Sometime back she was drowned in this very lake by evil men.  As he swims away with Pete, she warns him that Pete's evil will cause innocent people to suffer... a fate that is now completely on Superman's head.

On land, Superman hands Pete over to the paramedics.  They express surprise that Superman was able to rescue both Ross' so quickly... which makes Clark wonder if he'd imagined the whole Unketeli encounter.

That Paramedic is INTENSE!

The next day we rejoin Clark as he stands before his old tree house.  Lana walks up on him and informs him that Pete will be okay.  She reveals that just prior to the accident the two had been fighting... something they've been doing quite often of late.  Clark knows those feels, considering he's shacked up with the Parasite.  Clark asks Lana if Pete mentioned anything weird happening while they were underwater... but no dice.  Clark begins to reminisce about their childhood, and mentions how his old tree house was sort of his "Fortress of Solitude" when he was a lad.  They do the whole "I'll always be there for you" thing, and part ways.

Now for something completely different, we join John Henry Irons... Steel, in New Metropolis as he watches a crew of black-clad weirdos deep inside Brainiac's new-fangled City of Tomorrow.  He's wearing a new open-faced costume, which if I'm being honest doesn't look nearly as cool as his old one.  Anyhoo, the weirdos are planting a bomb... but Steel is able to save the city by taking the brunt of the blast.

With his armor smoking, Superman flies up on him.  They exchange pleasantries and conclude that the men in black are trying to figure out just how this B-13 virus ticks so that they can wrest away control from Lex Luthor.  Superman then mentions that he has a favor to ask of Steel, however, before he can do so John Henry's niece Natasha sends out an S.O.S.

Apparently a side affect of Brainiac 13's gift was a sort of residue that John Henry collected and stored for future research.  It is proving to be quite a bit less stable than he had hoped... and appears to be, in essence, a miniature Sun.

Superman and Steel return to Natasha in time to pull her out of harm's way.  Superman questions if this is just a Brainiac booby trap as he leaps into it... to no avail.  John Henry has the crazy idea to coat the flaming ball in 24 tons of molten iron... and wouldn'tcha know it, it works!  Well, if changing a miniature Sun into a miniature Black Hole is what we wanted.  As luck would have it, turns out that's exactly what we wanted at this juncture.

The mass goes from Sun to black hole to... nothing.  John Henry reaches for where the mass once was, only to find that his hand and arm disappear.  Turns out they done made a Tesseract... a pocket dimension.  Superman and Steel pop in to see what's what, and Clark pops the question... will Steel help him rebuild his Fortress of Solitude?

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Well, I guess we really can't judge this book by its cover.  Not a whole lot of "haunting" going on here.  Sure, we get a "Lady of the Lake", but she's only there for a few pages.  I would've figured this would be all about the "haunted" lake.  The story's shift to the Steel/New-Metropolis stuff was a bit jarring... though, necessary to set up the reveal of the new Fortress of Solitude in Man of Steel #100.

I know it's kind of a contentious subject among Superman fans, but I really liked the "City of the Future" era.  I've heard several criticisms, such as Superman not being the most fantastic thing in his own book... which I get, however, in looking at the whole package... I thought that the Man of Tomorrow in the City of Tomorrow gave the Superman titles a certain something which differentiated them from the rest of the DC line.  I always knew when I was reading a Superman book, versus a Superman appearance in another book.

Back to the first story... we learn that Pete Ross is evil... I gotta plead ignorance/forgetfulness here... not sure where this is going.  This is an early 2000 book, so it's before he becomes Vice President... can't for the life of me remember why the Lady of the Lake would say he's evil.  If I'm ever struck by lightning, and bedridden for a number of months, I'll definitely read through this era.

Overall, I enjoyed this.  I'll admit I liked the first half a whole lot more than the second... but, the whole package was good stuff that builds toward the milestone issue #100 that follows.  Speaking of which, I remember feeling insanely old around this time.  A few books I'd followed from issue #1 were hitting their centennial issues... X-Men (vol.2) and X-Force spring to mind immediately.  I couldn't wrap my head around being part of something for a full hundred issues, and started feeling positively ancient... at the ripe old age of 20.  Y'ever wanna go back in time and slap yourself upside the head?  Anyhoo... this was a fun one, though probably more fun in the context of the triangle-numbering system.

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House of Secrets #140 (1976)

House of Secrets #140 (February-March, 1976)
"Reprise: The Patchwork Man"
Writer - Gerry Conway
Artist - Nestor Redondo
Editor - Joe Orlando
Cover Price: $0.25

Managed to wrangle a horror book out of the horror-show that is my comics library... today we're going to discuss an issue of House of Secrets featuring a character introduced in the pages of Swamp Thing.

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Welcome to Stacy's Department Store, where the elite shop for the newest fashions.  Here we meet a pair of young women as they discuss their romantic options and future in the sales biz.  As they pass through the lingerie section a horrid Frankenstein's Monster-esque figure emerges, and lunges toward the pair.  The women's scream alerts the nearby elderly security guard... who happens to be packin' heat.  He unloads his pistol into the monster which barely slows him down.  Officers appear on the scene and finally manage to take him down.

The monster is kayoed when a bullet grazes his crooked dome, and the officers escort him downtown.  Before they can "book" the beast, a creepy crew of dudes enter the station.  One introduces himself as Dr. Elijah Chomes, and he brandishes a court order for the Patchwork Man's release, signed by a Justice Ford no less.  The officers are powerless to stop Chomes and company from taking their man, however, once they make it to the street... the Patchwork Man lashes out.  It takes a burst of a concentrated chloroform package to finally down the beast.

The Patchwork Man awakens to find himself strapped to a strange round table... surrounded by folks in lab coats.  Chomes tells the story of their subject's past life... his life as Gregori Arcane, the father of Swamp Thing's main squeeze Abigail Arcane!

We enter into a flashback wherein Gregori was fearful that Abigail would be taken from him by force of the government.  Abby's mother had recently passed on, and he himself was often busy on expeditions or some such.  They stayed with his brother who continually reassures him that he will help him maintain custody.

Several weeks pass, and Gregori, having heard that the government was comin' a'callin', cancels a trip and heads back to his brother's home.  He strolls up through a parcel of forest he hadn't walked before... which, unfortunately is home to an ancient German mine field!  Whoops.

Gregori wakes up to find himself before his creepy brother.  He's done his best to rebuild his blasted bro, relying on the "spare parts" he had laying around.  This is how Arcane got all Patchworky.  He continues reflecting... on his dungeon incarceration among the Un-Men, on his meeting with Swamp Thing... and even sorta-kinda reconnecting with his daughter Abby.

Back in the present, the Docs discuss how helpless and childlike the Patchwork Man is.  This subject makes Dr. Darleen Greer go all pale and lightheaded.  Her contemporary, Dr. Andrew Harty is called upon to escort her home.  As they leave, she steals a peek back at the Patchwork Man.  As the pair approach the Andy-mobile, Darleen reveals that she is pregnant... and not terribly happy about it.

Back inside, the remaining Docs prepare to pump the Patchwork Man full'a laser beams... cuz that's just what you do when you've got a monster strapped to a table.  This winds up filling the PWM with such immense pain that he tears himself off the table and lashes out at his captors.

He wanders outside, right into the path of an oncoming taxi.  The cabbie exits the car to see if he can be of any help.  The Patchwork Man proves he can speak when he verbally refuses a trip to the hospital.  The cabbie... and this is kind of weird... decides that that's cool, he'll just take the frickin' monster home with him!  Dr. Chomes watches as the taxi speeds off.

To wrap up, we check back in with Dr. Darleen.  She's decided that if she were to have this child, her career as a doctor is over!  She brings up the idea of having an abortion (in a CCA-Approved book from 1976?).  Dr. Andy doesn't quite dig the idea... though Darleen kind of uses their recent run-in with the child-like Patchwork Man as justification for her decision.  Well, that certainly escalated...

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Ehh, not half bad.  That isn't to say it was all that good, mind, but not something I flat-out disliked.

This is a weird one... I mean, we've got a burgeoning abortion piece with the backdrop of a Frankenstein's Monster story.  When I picked this one up, I certainly wasn't expecting any social relevancy to show up... especially in a book of this vintage.  I've done a fair amount of research on the Comics Code Authority, and I gotta say... I'm pretty surprised that they'd let an abortion story fly.  I mean, saying "go to hell" was iffy at this point in time.  Dunno... just surprising is all.

Speaking of surprises... I had no idea that this fella was tied into Swamp Thing.  I found that really neat.  I often think of these "House of..." stories as falling outside of DC Comics canon, I was really happy to be able to actually fold this one in.

The story itself was... decent.  I'm not sure what the Patchwork Man's motivation for attacking the two young ladies in the lingerie department was.  Neither of them looked anything like Abigail Arcane, so it couldn't be his mistaking them for her.  Just felt like a means to an end... and I suppose that's all it really needed to be.

Now it's been a long while since I've read much Swamp Thing, so I'm unsure how well all this lines up with what is established there.  Not sure if Patchwork Man still jives with it... I'm guessing Gregori's brother is Anton, as I'm fairly certain he's been referred to as Abby's uncle.  Though, as I said... it's been awhile, I could be completely off.

Now... how about that cabbie, right?  Run almost headlong into Frankenstein's Monster, and offer to bring him home with you.  Crazy... he's loading the Patchwork Man into the back of the cab, and the only thing he's scared of is how his wife's going to react!  Dem cabbies is made outta strong stuff I tells ya!

Overall, you probably don't need to read this.  You've seen one take on the Frankenstein story, you've seen 'em all.  It's only interesting for the strange abortion twist toward the end... a twist that I'm not even sure gets followed up on.  Actually, I kinda doubt it does... though, I could be wrong.  I guess I'd say this is for Swamp Thing completionists only.

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The scariest thing in this book!  Look at her FACE!