Superman #293 (November, 1975)
"The Miracle of Thirsty Thursday!"
Writer - Elliot S! Maggin
Penciller - Curt Swan
Inker - Bob Oksner
Editor - Julius Schwartz
Cover Price: $0.25
Rolling along with our impromptu salute to the Bronze Age with this crazy issue with an even crazier cover. I mean, just look at Superman standing there all smug... and all those poor thirsty people (and a dog!). Man, if only there were some term we could use online to describe all the times when Superman acted like a di... er, jerk.
Now I ask you... is there any possible way that the inside of this book lives up to the cover? Well, probably not... but let's find out together!
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We open on the date August 20, 3475. Yeah, it's gonna be one of those. Time-Continuum Historian Joann Jaime is pleading her case for going back in time to 1975 to experience the event known as "Thirsty Thursday" first-hand. If this sounds ridiculous to you... that's because it is. The Time-Continuum Director, who is a fella wearing something like a miniskirt mixed with a toga, feels she might have an ulterior motive... he believes she just wants to meet Superman. After all, it seems as though every cadet they've sent back has a run-in with the Man of Steel. She convinces him to let her go nonetheless.
Back in 1975,we join Superman as he saves a family from a burning building... all the while complaining about how inadequate the firefighters' equipment is. It gets a bit preachy when he suggests that the city only uses the crappy equipment in poor neighborhoods. Perhaps he's been talking to Green Arrow. Anyhoo, he manages to save a mother and child, but...
... the child isn't breathing! Nor does she have a heartbeat. Not a problem for Superman... a little super-heart massage is just what the super-doctor ordered to get that tiny-ticker going again!
He returns to the Galaxy Building, where Morgan Edge (who always seems to be roaming the halls) catches him coming out of the storeroom... again! He asks just what in the hell he's doing in there... and gets a really cringy joke as a reply. Well, good cringy (if there's such a thing)... I'll admit, I chuckled.
At that moment... across town at S.T.A.R. Labs, hippie-dippy Doctor Ishmael is testing his newest creation... a food substitute, in the form of a liquid. He plans to test this by putting a drop in his dog's water bowl. Turns out Dr. Ishmael is quite the butterfingers... he drops the vial of fake-food, which transforms into a gas... and makes him feel a bit wonky. He pops a few "antidote pills"... but still feels odd. Antidote pills? Man, that poor dog didn't have a chance, did he?
Back at the Galaxy Building, our old friend Steve Lombard saunters up to Clark. Next to him is... why, it's Joann Jaime. Guess that mini-toga wearing Director was right... she does run into Superman! And, yeah... she knows Clark Kent is really Superman. To be a jerk, Lombard ties Clark's shoes together... which, Clark decides to play along with, lest he tip people off that he's not a complete klutz. Joann, however, has a different idea. She uses the "matter-transmuter" she keeps in her earring (yeah) to swap Clark and Steve's kicks... so that Lombard winds up eating linoleum.
Back at S.T.A.R. Labs, Ishmael is acting weird... almost bestial. Okay, exactly bestial.
As the 6 o'clock news hits the air, Lois Lane is preparing to start a live report at the site of the apartment fire... which is still raging! Couldn't the (pre-Crisis) Superman have put this fire out in like two seconds? Instead he kvetches about the sub-par firefighting equipment... and just leaves them to it? C'mon. Anyhoo, suddenly the firefighters drop their (sub-par) hoses... it's almost as though they're afraid of water! Okay, it's exactly like they're afraid of water.
At that moment, we see some more Metropolitan water-fearing going on. Inspector Henderson spills the "horrible-looking liquid" all over his desk... and Lois Lane just barely dodges being sprayed by the firefighters' hose... that sounded vulgar, I apologize. Also... we briefly rejoin Joann Jaime, and learn that she's not the only time-traveler hanging around. In fact, there is an entire hotel full of "travelers from the future" who all want to observe the miraculous "Thirsty Thursday". Oh! The Savage Dr. Ishmael is also out and about causing havoc... so, there's that.
Clark excuses himself from the newsdesk to "clean his glasses" while they cut away to Lois Lane's live report. Moments later Superman arrives... notices the city-wide fear of water, and... whattayaknow, decides to extinguish the tenement fire. Could'a done that an hour ago, ya know? He lands to chat up Lois, however, before he can utter much of a greeting, he takes a hippie-dippy headbutt to the gut.
Superman attempts to subdue Ishmael, but has a rough time of it. It's like the Doc's gone rabid... hmm. Acting wild... fear of water... ya don't think...? He manages to hog-tie the madman long enough to use his telescopic vision to check in with S.T.A.R. Labs. There, he learns that the city has been exposed to a poisonous gas (no kidding), and the only cure is an entire days rest. On the street, our time-traveling pals almost interfere with the past when they see some thirsty (though deathly afraid of water) children running away from an open fire hydrant.
Knowing what he must do, Superman uses his heat-vision to puncture S.T.A.R. Labs' supply of sleep gas canisters they keep underground. I mean, all cities have those secret underground bunkers where they keep sleeping gas, and I suppose Metropolis is no different. Right? Sure...
And for the next 24-hours, Superman and Dr. Ishmael fight it out while Metropolis (time-travelers included) slumbers in the streets. We ever-so-briefly pop in on the White House where the President is confused as to how the entire city of Metropolis fell asleep. He isn't interested enough to actually check it out, but he's mildly curious. I'm assuming that this is supposed to be Gerald Ford... surely a favorite of Mr. Maggin.
Anyhoo... once the 24-hours passes, all the Metropolitans wake up... and boy are they thirsty... on this Thursday! Dr. Ishmael also wakes up, and is horrified to hear what he'd done. Superman decides to keep the details of "Rabid Wednesday" to himself. Surely that won't cause distrust and panic to set in!
We wrap up with an epilogue in the far-flung future, where our gal Joann delivers her dissertation which is devoid of Superman involvement... since she was, ya know... kayoed during the event. She thinks he's the greatest miracle of the era nonetheless.
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Not gonna lie... this was kind of a dud.
I figure we all knew the story couldn't possibly live up to that wild cover... but this was a much bigger disappointment than I'd braced myself for. I think I was expecting an Imaginary Story where Superman became king of the world (or at least water-works)... though, that kinda thing is more Silver-Age than Bronze. Another thought I had was that maybe the water was poisoned... and Superman was stopping the people from drinking for their own good!
I know it's kinda weird to complain about a cover not matching the story... especially when at least 75% of covers these days are glorified pin-ups that have very little to do with the story within (and don't get me started on the glut of variants)... but, I guess I just sorta expect more from these older books.
I didn't really appreciate Maggin's implication that firefighters in poor neighborhoods aren't as well equipped as those in the wealthier areas. I mean, sure... he could suggest that perhaps the buildings aren't kept up as well... and the shoddy upkeep might lead to them becoming bigger fire hazards. But, if Superman actually thinks that Metropolis is "holding out" on providing adequate fire-fighting to the poorer neighborhoods, than he really ought to do something about it... not just have a passive-aggressive little internal monologue. He's better than that.
And, while we're at it... if Superman is capable of putting out a tenement fire in mere seconds (which we saw him do!)... why didn't he just do that in the first place? Ridiculous. He'd rather leave the firefighters (with their sub-par equipment) to battle the blaze rather than putting it out himself? Wonder if Supes would've put the fire out had it occurred in a "wealthy" neighborhood... hmmm...
Overall... I hate to report that I really didn't enjoy this one. Is it worth grabbing simply for that wild cover? Maybe... but I wouldn't break the bank (or your bin-diving back) for it. Doesn't look like this bugger has been made available digitally... nor (to my knowledge) has it been collected, so this is a single-issue or nothin' gambit.
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Superman #294 (December, 1975)
"The Man Who Slept the World Away!"
"The Tattoo Switcheroo!"
Writers - Cary Bates & Martin Pasko
Pencillers - Curt Swan & Jose Luis Garcia-Lopez
Inkers - Tex Blaisdell & Vince Colletta
Editor(ial Guru) - Julius Schwartz
Cover Price: $0.25
Looks like I'm on something of a Bronze-Age kick... there are far worse fates. I suppose, sometimes having limited access to one's comics library results in happy accidents like this.
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After our opening splash (which spoils the baddie we'll be dealing with here), we join Clark Kent as he delivers his highest-rated news broadcast yet... to nobody! Ya see, every last human being on the planet (four-billionuvem... wow, we've been reproducing like mad since the mid-70's) has vanished! Clark delivers the news report... for posterity, I guess? Fair enough... neither rain nor sleet nor global evacuation will stop him from his assigned task, gotta admire that. He claims to have been on the Moon on assignment with Superman when the great purge occurred. Upon wrapping up, he hears a sound coming from his office... he "supes up" and checks it out.
It's a ringing phone... which he answers. The person on the other line (we're going to ignore the fact that the opening page spoiled this... for now) threatens Clark Kent, thinking him the final human being left on the planet (Superman, of course... spoilers: ain't human). While the baddie babbles, Superman traces the call... literally. Like, he follows the wires... all the way to Paris, France... sacre bleu! There, he finds that the voice was emanating from... a tape recorder.
Ya see, he knew Superman would trace the call... and wanted him far enough away from Clark Kent's office so he couldn't save him when the bad guy blasts him with his Atomic Bazooka Gun! With a KA-BLAMMMMM! (five M's... c'mon) Clark Kent is believed to be blown to bits... or atomized... or whatever the hell an atomic bazooka gun is capable of doing. Superman... knowing the real score, simply smirks.
Moments later, Superman returns to the Galaxy Building where he finds out who the bad guy is. Gasp! It's Brain Storm. The baddie finds a pair of mangled glasses, and assumes that means Clark is a'goner. Superman approaches for the attack, until Brain Storm gives him a shove, and informs him that the Earth's population is currently residing inside his chrome dome.
The pair play-fight (it's really quite silly) for a little bit before settling in at an empty stadium so that Brain Storm (who I keep wanting to call Brain Wave... Junior, even) can explain just what in the hell he's talking about. So, while Superman lounges in a stadium seat, the baddie tells him that he "slept" the Earth's population away... so that he might increase his mental powers. I don't know about you, but if I had the ability to "sleep the Earth's population away"... I'm pretty sure I'd be satisfied with my "power levels". Guess that's why I'm not a supervillain.
Anyhoo, Brain Storm's plan is to intercept an energy burst emitted by a quasar (*celestial object which emits enormous amounts of radiation - thanks, Julie) to amp up his power, so that when he brings the four-billion Earthlings back, he can have complete control over them. In order to do this (for some reason), Earth had to be wiped clean of humanity... which is why Clark Kent had to get the ol' atomic heave-ho earlier on.
Speaking of Clark Kent... as Brain Storm prepares to "receive" the quasar, he happens to spy... waitasec, is that Clark Kent? He blasts the mild-mannered reporter with his "star bolts" (enough to fry a dinosaur, he says with no way to prove that), but Clark still moseys on. He gives chase, and "fries" him one more time... causing his civvies to tear, revealing a Man of Steel underneath. Superman than punches Brain Storm's cute li'l ball-tipped helmet... which pretty much takes him out. Let's not think about the fact that there are four-billion human beings in his head... that would only make Superman's actions look rash... annnnnnd dumb.
Superman proceeds to repeatedly Count Dante-chop Brain Storm's chrome dome... putting him to sleep, and somehow provoking a nightmare. In the dreamland, he is in the limbo where he stranded the four-billion Earthlings... who are thankfully not dead from the multiple brain-chops. The baddie sees the error of his ways, and let's the peeps free. Upon learning that he didn't actually kill Clark Kent (Superman had "spirited him away" to safety), ol' B.S. is pleased to know he's not going to face a murder charge. Superman wonders how harsh the penalty will be for four-billion counts of kidnapping though!
Like with many Bronze-Age comics... the story might be over, but we ain't done yet! We've got some Action-Plus... er, whatever we call the back-up in Superman... and ohhhh boy, it's coming at us straight from The Private Life of Clark Kent... my second favorite series of back-ups (after Mr. and Mrs. Superman, of course). We open this brief tale (which is a recounting of a diary entry... which actually starts with "Dear Diary") with Clark Kent reporting the news that he knows the identity of the thief who stole the Van Sloan Sapphire. The baddie just so happens to overhear this news report, and promises to send the nosy reporter to "Palookaville".
After the broadcast, the thief (Snake-Eyes Sullivan) snatches Clark Kent and shoves him into his car. Little does he know that Clark was planning this all along. What he wasn't planning was for ol' Snake-Eyes to wanna trade clothes with him. Ya see, these two look "identical", and the baddie wants to take over Clark's identity to see what goods he might have on him. Clark realizes if he takes off his clothes, he would be exposed... as Superman (or, just as a very troubled young man) so... he causes a windy distraction (which I promise isn't a euphemism for anything), removes his Superman costume with super-speed... rolls it up into a ball... and eats it!
After the clothes swap goes down... oh yeah, by the way Snake-Eyes has a tattoo on his left shoulder, that might be important later... annnnnd dumb, Clark is tied up and left in a garage. Of course, ropes can't hold Superman, so he busts out. He heads to his office at the Galaxy Building in Snake-Eyes' duds, which confuses the real Snake-Eyes' crony. We get a moment of The Patty Duke Show before the real-deal Snake Eyes realizes how he can prove he's legit.
Why, it's his tattoo! Which... is now on Clark's shoulder? B-b-b-but how?
Well... here goes. Clark used his super-hard thumbnail to press dyes from his tie into his arm to duplicate the tattoo. Got it? Okay... then, he tracked down some orthoclase feldspar (which is like a pink granite) and talc... which he pulverized into a pancake make-up, with which he could cover up (the real) Snake-Eyes' tattoo.
Then... the police bust in. Clark heat-visions his fake tattoo off, and rubs the pancake makeup off Snake-Eyes' arm... and the bad guy goes to jail. See, nothin' to it!
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If there's one thing I've learned from this Bronze-Age excursion it's that there are times when Superman really overthinks things... and other times when he doesn't seem to do much thinking at all. These two stories are a perfect example of either case.
Let's talk about the Private Life... backup first. I mean, we spent wayyy too much time applying and removing tattoos here... and for what? The police showed up anyway! They'd have seen Snake-Eyes' tattoo... or at least seen the gun-wielding goofball crony guarding the door and figured that something wasn't quite right. So much wasted effort here.
The whole tattoo thing... I mean, I get it. It feels like this is an interesting use of Superman's powers... without going "full-Superman", but the entire thing felt forced and clumsy. Really not a story worth telling... even if it is just to Clark's diary. By the way... does Clark/Superman keep two diaries? This one was very clearly hand-written... but we know he also has that giant scribbly-pen thing at the Fortress of Solitude... could he be keeping secrets from one of his diaries???
The opening "main" story had a neat Twilight Zone vibe to start with... if only we choose to ignore that spoilery splash page it opened with. This story was a pretty good example of Superman not thinking. I mean... c'mon now, Brain Storm has the entire population of Earth in his head... and Superman proceeds to repeatedly ring his bell? That doesn't seem like the wisest course of action.
That was another sorta over-complicated story... however, up until Superman almost murdered all of humanity, it was a pretty fun ride. I always get a kick out of a hero allowing a villain to explain their entire plan. Seeing Superman just lounging in a seat with his arm rested on the seat next to him while Brain Storm spills his guts was pretty fun.
Overall, despite the above kvetching, I really did have a good time reading and chatting about this one. These Bronze-Age tales are almost always a blast, even if the stories they're telling don't quite live up to their potential. Well worth checking out.
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Action Comics #416 (September, 1972)
"Superman, You Scare Me to Death!"
"Oh, Pity, Where is Thy Sting?"
Writers - Cary Bates & Bob Haney
Pencillers - Curt Swan & John Calnan
Inker - Murphy Anderson
Editor - Julius Schwartz
Cover Price: $0.20
Let's head back to the Bronze-Age and see Superman make a new friend!
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We open on board a cruise ship in the Northern Atlantic. The ship looks to be headed straight for an iceberg. As luck would have it, Superman is nearby to pulverize the 'berg. The passengers and staff celebrate the fact that they're not going to sink and freeze to death in the Arctic waters... all except one, that is. Meet wheelchair-bound Superman-phobe, Christy Whatsherface!
After saving that ship, Superman secretly swoops on board... where he (as Clark Kent, natch) is actually a passenger on special assignment for Morgan Edge. A VTOL arrives on deck for Clark to take... somewhere. I didn't realize that mild-mannered Clark Kent knew how to fly such a craft... but, here we are. After he takes off, the ship staff notices an empty wheelchair in the area. Turns out, Christy Whatsherface has stowed away on the VTOL... hopeful to get as far away from Superman as possible.
It doesn't take Clark long to realize he's got a stowaway... after all, the ship is a one-seater. He prepares to forgo his mission to take her back to safety, however... they wind up swept into an energy vortex, which pulls them downward. Along the way, Clark sucks all the oxygen out of the craft to cause Christy to fall unconscious... so that he can use his superpowers. Once they safely land, he scoops her in his arms and goes to head back to the liner. Not so fast, kemo sabe... the island is covered by an invisible barrier. Holy Convergence!
Superman sets Christy down to plan his next move... only for her to wake up, and freak the hell out! While she shields her face, Superman exits stage left... and returns as Clark Kent to see if he can get some answers.
She reveals to him that... oh boy... she grew up in Smallville, and had a doll that she shared a "psychosomatic transference" with. Now, this isn't transference in the clinical sense (far from it)... but more like if the doll get "hurt", she feels it. Kinda Tomax and Xamot here... only with a doll instead of a twin.
As a child, her house burned down... and Superboy saved her. Unfortunately, during the rescue... Christy's doll gets its legs crushed. Ever since... Christy has been wheelchair-bound. Ya follow?
Suddenly, the pair find themselves being blasted with lasers... and at the same time, the cruise liner is being approached by a small fleet of "sea-jackers" who want the diamonds the ship are transporting. Now, weighing his priorities... Superman decides to save the diamonds before saving the girl. He leaves her behind... though, wraps the VTOL she's hiding behind in his indestructible cape.
Superman burrows his way through the ground to evade the Convergence-dome, and approaches the dastardly sea-jackers. He takes a blast to the face... which he shrugs off, before... I dunno, drowning the bad guys? It isn't entirely clear.
Superman returns to the island... which we learn isn't an island at all! It's actually a large meteor that landed in the drink "ages ago". Upon arrival, we see our bad guy... which is... ugh, a giant robot. The robot detaches its head, and the pair fight.
Superman is able to beat the bad robot... who, for all we know, was just trying to defend its crashed meteor-island from the interlopers. Superman bugs out to quick-change back to Kent... and returns to find Christy Whatsherface able to once again walk! Her fear proved to be stronger than her psychosoma... and her believed-useless legs were able to carry her to safety.
We find out that Clark's "Special Assignment" was keeping the "real" diamonds away from the Sea-Jackers... which begs the question, why the urgency in stopping them a few pages ago? He could've let them steal the phony diamonds... and, ya know... made sure Christy was safe, right? Weird. Anyhoo... the story wraps up with the pair back on board the liner... and it's hinted that Christy might have feelings for our man Clark. Howsabout that... a gal who loves Clark... but hates Superman!
That story's over, but we're not done yet... let's do some Action-Plus starring Metamorpho! We join Rex as he is performing for the Martingale Circus as a "freak". He is unhappy with his lot in life, and decides to go ask his main-squeeze Sapphire Stagg if she wants to get married. Being the sorta-loopy gal she is, she needs to confer with her Astrologist before answering. In a pretty hilarious panel, he runs (bikes?) off to pout.
Returning to the Circus, Rex learns that Martingale's is closing down due to lack of interest... and, er... funds. Rex goes full-on "woe is me", and smashes a nearby table. Well, there goes his severance package! He heads over to the carny trailer to commiserate with his pals only to find that they're... having a party?!
Rex is dumbfounded to see his fellow carnies still living it up. He gets a dash of "that's life" from his pals... who are used to circuses closing down, and having to uproot their lives to make ends meet. This is just how they live... no big deal. With this newfound enlightenment... Rex starts to feel bad for himself, for having felt bad for himself in the first place!
He grabs a newspaper from the Ape Boy's cage... which is a sentence I'll likely never type again... and learns that the President is about to hold a summit with the Premier. We're going to assume they mean the President of the United States... though, the Premier is left nebulous... I'm guessing China due to the fellas manner of dress. Anyhoo, Rex finds out where the cavalcade of cars will be passing through and decides to write up a billboard.
As luck would have it, the Premier has always wanted to see an "American Circus" (Wot a Country!)... and so, Martingales will soon be putting on a show for "the two most important men in the world". Wouldn'tcha know it, there's an assassination attempt... that Rex foils. The Circus is saved... and Sapphire Stagg arrives to inform Rex that her Psychic Friend... said he was in trouble. Nothing about the marriage though!
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Well, this was a bit of a mixed bag, wunnit?
I get, and can appreciate Christy's odd psychosomatic fear of Superman... but I mean, let's look at this (somewhat) logically. We have to assume that at some point in his super-career, Superman might've arrived seconds-too-late to save someone from injury. You gotta figure that those injured understand that Superman can't be everywhere at once, and are likely to realize that... even if he couldn't spare them injury... at the end of the day, he's still a pretty good dude.
For Christy Whatsherface to hold this grudge for such a long time might be an indictment on her mental state... which, I can appreciate. She doesn't seem completely "with it" nor rational here. I mean, she stows away on a jet... without her wheelchair. What is she hoping to do once they land? And... I mean, she's running from Superman... is there a single place in the galaxy where you can hope to hide from him? Especially during the pre-Crisis!
Her Doctor's diagnosis of "Psychosomatic Transference" is a bit funny, if you're familiar with the clinical phenomenon of "transference" and "counter-transference". It's one of those terms that sounds like it could (and should) fit here... but, clinically-speaking, it doesn't. It's kinda confusing as a term... and I'm sure I've used it incorrectly a time or two myself.
Let's talk about Superman's priorities. This is pretty baffling... we have him leaving Christy behind on the island/meteor... while she's being attacked by a laser-wielding alien robot, to stop some Sea-Jackers from stealing phony diamonds? Da hale? That seems a bit out of character... and, ya know... stupid. I mean, by the time he gets back, Christy's already being carried off by the robot! Who's to say the robot wouldn't have killed her upon discovery? Seems like quite the foolish gamble.
The story ends with the promise that ol' Christy will show up to haunt Clark in the pages of Superman Family. My Bronze-Age Superman game is still pretty lacking, so I couldn't say for sure that this actually occurs. Maybe she shows up with our old friend Pappy Mailerway... who knows?
Our back-up is... well, a Bob Haney Metamorpho story. Really not much more to say. It's silly... and pretty fun. The Action-Plus back-ups are pretty hit and miss with me (and if I'm being honest, more miss than hit)... this one, however, wasn't half-bad. Not sure I'd say it was half-good either... but I did have fun with it.
Overall... despite my qualms, I'd say this is a fun issue that's worth grabbing if you come across it on the cheap. I sure do say that a lot, don't I? It doesn't look like it's been collected anywhere, nor has it been made available digitally... so, this is a single-issue (not floppy) only gambit.
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