Wonder Woman (vol.2) #113 (September, 1996)
"Are You Out of Your Minds?!"
Writer/Artist - John Byrne
Colorist - Patricia Mulvihill
Assistant Editor - Jason Hernandez-Rosenblatt
Editor - Paul Kupperberg
Cover Price: $1.95
Here's one from the "striking cover" pile... but perhaps for all the wrong reasons. I mean, this one's just a bit on the creepy side, no? This is one of those books I'd keep face-down on the table just in case company stopped by.
I mean, how am I supposed to explain how Estelle Getty was Wonder Girl anyway?
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We open with Diana and Cassie trying to sell Helena (Cassie's mom) Sandsmark on her daughter entering into training to become the next Wonder Girl... after all, she was a big help during a fight with a Doomsday clone. She (Helena, that is) ain't hearing it though. Also, Jason Blood is there... and it would seem that he's put a hex on Cassie... ya see, she knows that Blood can change into Etrigan... but is unable to vocalize her findings.
Diana comes down on mom's side... and explains to Cassie that she cannot go against her wishes. And so, Cassie stomps off to her room to do some homework before she's supposed to head off for a babysitting gig later that evening. I always dig seeing superheroes' bedrooms... there's usually a lot of cool stuff (and little Easter Eggs) to see. Here though, it also proves that girls are messier than boys.
Cassie sulks for a bit before deciding, "screw it"... and so, she dons her Wonder Girl gear and sneaks out the window.
Meanwhile... or, make that "Two Hours Ago", a woman that we will come to call "Decay" breaks into a warehouse... facility... place. It would seem that her touch causes people to... well, decay... so, there's some truth in advertising for ya. She's looking for... something.
Wonder Girl flies by, and hears a report of the robbery via her trusty transistor radio. Almost immediately she finds Decay, and enters into a fight. Like, literally... right away. She kicks whatever it is that Decay is holding out of her hands.
The box falls to the ground, and Cassie heads to check it out. It looks to be a power source... and it's humming. Decay arrives a moment later and lays hands on Cassie's shoulder... making it begin to decay.
Wonder Girl is able to collect herself (and the box) and goes to make a run for it. With Decay hot on her trail, Cassie decides to just drop the box and make with the escape. Then... an Earthquake?
Yes, an Earthquake... which Diana feels as well. She flips on the television to find Channel 7 is already all over it. I mean, it just happened... how do they already have Earthquake experts on the line? The Earthquake expert in question? Why, it's our main man with the Cybernetic Eye... Calvin "Cave" Carson!
Diana wonders why Cassie didn't run out of her room when the Earth started quaking... then discovers that the new Wonder Chick has snuck out. Back on the street... Wonder Girl and Decay are still playing cat and mouse... for some reason. I mean, Decay has the little box, so what's the point of the chase? Anyhoo, Decay then lays hands on Cassie... and she starts to decay but good. Before every ounce of moisture can be sucked out, Diana arrives on the scene with a sock to the mush.
After setting Wonder Girl down, Diana barrels directly toward Decay... and the impact makes her target go to pieces!
B-but how could this be? Well... it was a piece of cake. Ya see, when Cassie had the box... she traded out the power source for her transistor radio! Diana then collects all the bits and bobs of Decay and packs them into separate drums so she doesn't bother them anymore. Sounds nearly as bad as the Phantom Zone, doesn't it? May as well just kill her at this point, right?
We wrap up with Cassie being dropped off at her babysitting gig... and well, wouldja lookit that... she's babysitting for Sugar and Spike!
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Well... I can't deny that there is a certain charm to this book... while at the same time, it's almost aggressively dull.
It does allow us to see that Cassie is (almost) capable when left to her own devices... literally and figuratively. Her swapping the transistor radio for the nebulous humming "power source" was a good bit of kid-heroics... but I mean, if not for Diana... there's a really good chance that she would've been "sucked dry" by Decay there at the end.
So, we kinda wind up... right where we started. We know Cassie's a clever kid... but, in the heat of battle... she's a liability at best. I guess that's one way to "sell" Mom on her need to be trained... so, there's that. Of course, mom could (and probably should) still say "no".
I appreciate the little cameos here. That's always a good and easy way to get me to "pop". Especially when it comes from someone as dialed in on all that silly Silver Age stuff as John Byrne. It feels less pandering from him... and more genuinely "let's see if anybody gets this." Wasn't expecting a Cave Carson mention... and sure as heck didn't figure on seeing Sugar and Spike today!
The art here is... well, it's Byrne. It's not as tight as his earlier work, but still has a firm grip on what makes comic books work. I know, that's what people always seem to say... but, what can I tell ya... sometimes the hive mind is right! I will say that the transitions were a bit clumsy... things happened like instantly (Cassie locating Decay, news of the Earthquake).
Overall... I guess if you're a Cassie Sandsmark completionist, you're going to want this issue. Otherwise... ehhh. If you want it... and need it now, it is available digitally.
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Letters Page:
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American Honda Presents DC Comics' Supergirl #2 (1986)
"Supergirl"
Story - Joe Orlando, Andrew Helfer & Barry Marx
Script - Andrew Helfer & Barry Marx
Layouts - Jose Delbo
Character Pencils - Joe Orlando
Background Pencils - Dave Hunt
Inker - Bob Oksner
Letterer - Gaspar
Colors - Joe & Karin Orlando
Editor - Barry Marx
Consultants - Toni Harrington & Rick Smith
With so few (attainable) "white whales" left in the wild... it's always a treat to stumble across one.
During a late night bin-dive (we have a shop out my way that's open until the wee hours), I managed to grab what might just be the last piece of the puzzle when it comes to DC Comics "Reagan era PSAs". You might be saying to yourself, "Chris, didn't we already discuss Supergirl and seatbelts?" I'd reply with a "Yeah"... and then totally blow your mind (or maybe not) by telling you there was a second Supergirl Seatbelt Spectacular!
... and it might just make those New Teen Titans PSAs we discussed awhile ago look like Watchmen.
Let's get right to it.
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We open with Linda Danvers driving down the road. In the backseat sit a boy, a girl, and a dog... and Linda is imposing upon them the importance of bucklin' up. Her lecture is so interesting that they all fall asleep. Though, to be fair... at least one of the kids looks to have been drinking. I mean, look at Sally's face... you can't tell me she didn't just tie one on. The kids then "wake up" in the far flung land of Motorville... where Walk/Don't Walk signs change without a moments notice... or something. The kids are nearly run over by an impatient motorist when Supergirl swoops in and delivers them to safety.
Next we know, the kids, dog, and Supergirl are on a crowded sidewalk... surrounded by, as far as I can tell, a whole lot of extras from Angel Love. A nearby advertisement catches the kids' eyes... there's going to be and Amazing Dummy Show today at 3! We might think of them as the Incredible Crash Test Dummies... and I don't know why they're not being called that here. We'll soon learn that they are supposed to be the same fellas (Vince and Larry) from the commercials a half-decade later.
Anyhoo, Supergirl decides taking in a show would be a capital idea... and so, she hails a cab to take them to the arena. The taxi pulls up, and it's being driven by Fred Dumpty... brother of Humpty... pronounced with an Umpty, and he's kind of an ass. He refuses to buckle his seat belt! I'd say that his failing to notice a woman with a baby stroller wandering in front of his cab might be a higher priority than his refusal to buckle up... but, what do I know?
Dumpty jams on the brakes at the last possible moment, and... since he didn't buckle up, he smashes his dome against the windshield, cracking it but good. Of course, this leads to all of (Lieutenant) King's horses and all of his men arriving to put him back together again. Is this the real life? Well, no... I suppose it's the drunken dream of a toddler, but whattayagonnado?
Left without a ride, Supergirl and the kids start pounding the pavement to look for another. Gotta wonder if there'll be a third part that focuses on the danger of hitchhiking? Anyhoo, they wind up before a shoe-shaped house that's just bustlin' with kids. They rush to their stretch station wagon, and our heroes get caught up in the stampede. The "little old lady", who is of course just full of that mid-80's "pep" (or COCAINE???) hops in, and we get a show of each and every passenger buckling their seat belts.
Once on the expressway, the entire car belts out a rousing chorus of "The Wheels on the Car Go.... blah blah blah", not realizing that that song only works on the school bus. Anyhoo, they are then approached by a tailgating big bad (B.B.) wolf. Ya know, this might be more interesting if we look at it as though it were a Supergirl/Fables crossover.
Bigby Wolf runs the Old Lady off the road, causing one of her tires to pop. In retaliation, Supergirl... get this... uses her heat vision on one of the wolf's tires. Oh, by the way... he's driving an eighteen wheeler. You ever see one'a them blow out a tire? Again, seat belts might just be the least of our concern here! Supergirl then pulls the Wolf outta the wreck... by tearing it open... and he is summarily arrested by a police officer and a park ranger? Talk about overkill. What, did he run an old lady off the road and steal a pic-a-nic basket?
After fixing the Old Lady's tire, Supergirl and the kids part ways with the crazy shoe family. As luck would have it, Three Little Pigs pull up in their convertible and offer 'em a lift. One of the pigs is... tanning, and I'd bet it's starting to smell like bacon. Anyhoo, they load in to the car of iniquity... and learn that these pigs absolutely hate seat belts.
Which really sucks for them, because Bigby's already made bail... and he's back on the road in a different colored big rig! Okay, okay... this is a different Big Bad Wolf. Now our Fables crossover doesn't make sense at all! Oh the horror of the thing. This new Wolf just plows into the rear-end of the pig-vertible, causing the porkers to go flying! Luckily Supergirl is able to catch them before they're turned into a pair of sausage patties.
She then nyoinks this new Wolf out of his rig... and he introduces himself as "C.C. Wolf", brother of B.B. He's then also arrested. Wow, the Motorville Police Force is really on the ball... if only they had stricter seat belt laws!
Without a ride again... Supergirl and the kids have to go back to hitchhiking (it's not like Supergirl can fly or anything). They are soon picked up by... Vince and Larry, the Incredible Amazing Crash Test Dummies!
They're swept away to the event... where they watch as Vince and Larry drive straight into a wall. Wow, whatta show! Hope there was free admission.
The crowd is then lectured on seat belt safety for a bit... and we wrap up with Supergirl being offered the Dummies' "back up car" in order to get home.
At this point, the kids wake up from their Benadryl-bender and tell Linda all about their dream. Wonk wonk wonkkkkk.
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I gotta tell ya... this was dumb in all the right ways! Sometimes you just need a book like this to remind you why you love comic books. I mean, we could run this up the flagpole and really tear into it... but, why? It's just a silly fun book... and sometimes that's all you really need.
Or maybe I'm just projecting.
It was weird looking at this... and checking the date in the indicia. This issue came out in 1986... two years after the last one! I mean, you almost have to wonder "what's the point?", right? My only guess is that a contract was signed... and it had to be fulfilled. This feels very much like a "fulfillment of a contract" and nothing more.
I felt similarly when we looked at the final New Teen Titans Anti-Drug PSA. It felt as though nobody's hearts were really in it anymore. I know all of the PSAs get a bit of flack from the more enlightened of us online, but that first New Teen Titans issue (The Keebler one)... it actually felt like (Protector notwithstanding) it could've been just another issue from the Marv and George run.
Dropping Supergirl and the kids into the nursery rhyme land of Motorville... is, of course, silly. I am tickled at the fact that Supergirl herself seems to be the most dangerous thing around. I mean, just look at the damage she could've done... even just popping B.B. Wolf's tire!
That could've caused one hell of an accident! People, Pigs and Eggs all burning up in their cars... all held captive in their vehicles by the very safety belts we're trying to learn about here! I think we'd call that "dramatic irony"... or maybe not.
It was interesting to see the "Amazing Dummies" here. I wonder why they weren't referred to as the "Incredible Crash Test Dummies"... but I'm sure the reasons behind that are probably as uninteresting as they come. Maybe the name wasn't coined until a few years later, when the National Highway Traffic Safety Association (NHTSA) decided to "brand" them for cartoons, toys, video games, and the like. Who knows?
The art here is fun... I think this is the first book we've covered here that lists both "character" and "background" pencillers... not that you would tell by looking at the work. Orlando, Delbo, and Hunt work really well together... and it all "fits" without feeling jarring.
Overall... I know this is silly, you know this is silly... the people who put it together very likely know this is silly. That said... if you stumble across this (for a buck or two), I think you could have a lot of fun with it... and just think of the novelty-value you'd be adding to your collection.
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Et-Cetera:
862
Xero #1 (May, 1997)
"the Closer"
Writer - Christopher Priest
Penciller - Chriscross
Inker - Tom Simmons
Colorist - Gloria Vasquez
Letterer - Willie Schubert
Editors - Dan Thorsland & Alisande Morales
Cover Price: $1.75
Stupid things to lose sleep over... do I call it "Xero" or "Xer0"? Let's just go with the first one...
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We open with a D.E.A. Agent named Rick being submerged into the drink. He's being pulled to the bottom by a rather large stone. Luckily for him, Xero was happening by. He (Xero) straps some scuba equipment to Rick and rescues him from drowning. Above water, he interrogates the nearly-drowned fella... ya see, they appear to have similar goals. Ricks doesn't appear to be all that keen on spillin' the beans... but a sock to the mush does the trick.
The person Xero is after is called Maltano... and he's hid out on the underwater "den of iniquity" known as The Greta Garbo. Xero heads over to the Garbo, and, using the X-Enzymes he's been imbued with he's able to phase through its walls. X-Enzymes? We'll get there...
Inside, Xero sheds his costume and attempts to fit in with the movers and shakers. They're gamblers... and it would appear that tonight's "big money" is on an NBA game. Large screens show an interview with the Whatever City (National City?) Vipers power forwards... well, one of the power forwards. It would seem as though Coltrane "Trane" Walker hasn't showed up.
As Xero scans the floor (and the people on it) with his "DeadEye", the screen transitions to a story about "Trane". Seems he's kind of a "bad boy" in the NBA... and this was back when that sort of thing was, well.. a thing.
Xero then finds his man... Carl Maltano, who is currently indisposed. No matter, Xero walks through the bathroom wall and grabs the fool by the collar. Ya see, he's looking for a key.
Maltano ain't talking... so, Xero ups the stakes by, well... jamming a gun into his chin. That's part of his "SkyTrane" training, donchaknow. Heyyy... Trane... hmm, ya don't think?! Worth noting, another bad guy knocks on the bathroom door to check on ol' Carl... and we learn that Xero can do a pretty good Carl Maltano imitation. Must go over huge at parties! Xero finds out that the key is inside Maltano's DayRunner... which I'm guessing is his planner. Back news though... that DayRunner is at the goon table... meaning, it's surrounded by goons.
That's okay though... Xero is a killing machine. He starts taking goons out in sorta creative ways, until...
... there's a riot! No, Xero hasn't been found out... it's just a stampede of "high rollers" looking to change their NBA bet. Ya see, Trane isn't going to play... and that changes everything! Then... shots are fired... and everything goes to pot.
Like, The Greta Garbo starts to fall to pieces... big time!
Xero manages to grab the DayRunner and make a clean-ish escape. He rejoins Rick... who is surprised to learn that Xero is... a Closer. Closers "fix" things... and since Rick himself failed to get the key... Xero was sent in to make things right.
We jump ahead a few hours... and over to East St. Louis, where a man is holding his waitress hostage because the eggs she served him were too cold. Xero measures his options... should he intervene? A DeadEye scan reveals that the man's gun wasn't loaded... so, he figures the waitress (Kelli) isn't really in all that much danger. Besides... he's gotta other things to do.
Xero pulls up to the Wakefield Arena... removes his rubber face mask... and reveals himself to actually be "Trane" Walker. Wha-----?! Okay yeah, I think we all saw that coming.
Inside, Walker argues with his teammates... and there isn't a whole lot more to say about that.
We wrap up with yet another reveal. Back at "home", we learn that Trane Walker is actually... a dead man. "Blown to bits" years earlier, and only back among the living due to that X-Enzyme we mentioned a little ways back. His brother, Trent is (or might be) the fella behind the X-Enyzme... the SkyTrane, and the DriveTrane. Hopefully this will be fleshed out a bit better over the next few issues. Trane is contacted by his... boss, who gives him the thumbs-up on "closing" the Moltano case... meanwhile, all he can think about is whether or not he should've saved Kelli the Waitress.
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So... what'd we think?
Well, it's an interesting story... I guess. And the character of Xero/Xer0 is pretty cool. I'm not a big James Bond guy... hell, I haven't seen a single one... but, I feel like this might be a souped up take on that sort of character.
This was before DC allowed Priest to go hog-wild with the Frasier segues... which, I feel only really worked in Quantum and Woody anyway... so, instead we just get great big walls of text. That could work, if we were dealing with a character we had a vested interest in. Xero is a whole new deal, and we literally don't know him from Adam... and so, it's difficult (at least for me) to go "all in" on these blocks of text.
The narration is clunky... I get the impression that we're being told this story from the point of view of Xero... and yet, he refers to himself in the third person. I'm not sure if that's a riff on some ego-heavy athletes of the day (Deion Sanders, perhaps?)... but, it makes for a clumsy read.
We talked yesterday about The Weinbergs... and how we were just hammered over and over again with names and concepts... and by the end of it, it just felt like a rat king of ideas shambling toward us. With all of the "Trane" talk here, I felt the same way. Did we really need to hear about both "DriveTrain" and "SkyTrane"? I mean, I might be a bit denser than most, but it took a second read for me to figure out what was going on at The Greta Garbo to begin with... I certainly don't need all these concepts flung at me without context.
The big "reveals" here... were well done enough, I suppose. From the first mention of "SkyTrane", I had that sneaking suspicion that there was more to Xero than meets the eye. Also, the fact that he referred to himself (I think twice) as 6' 6" kinda got my attention. Still... a pretty neat idea. Trane Walker having been "killed" earlier... I guess that's also a neat idea that can be explored as the series moves forward.
The art here from Chriscross is really good. I usually enjoy his work... thought he was a blast on the Peter David run of Captain Marvel. The storytelling, however... was a little bit muddy. Again... just like The Weinbergs yesterday... panel/scene transitions were a bit hinky. Maybe Priest was already in that "Frasier" mode at this point... I really don't know. All's I'm saying is that it was tough to follow in places.
Overall... a fun curiosity from the post-boom "throw it at the wall" era of DC Comics. Might be worth a look... however, it's also one'a these books...
... just like Young Heroes in Love, Sovereign Seven, and Relative Heroes, this is one of those creator-owned "deals". So, I wouldn't be holding my breath for this to be collected or made available digitally. Though, stranger things have happened...
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