Action Comics #498 (August, 1979)
"The Catastrophic Man!"
Writer - Cary Bates
Penciller - Curt Swan
Inker - Frank Chiaramonte
Letterer - Ben Oda
Colorist - Gene D'Angelo
Editor - Julius Schwartz
Cover Price: $0.40
So, yesterday was almost a most tragic day...
I was checking through my list of Vartox appearances... and came to learn I was missing two of 'em! Not just any two, but the next two we were set to cover here! Would Vartox "Week" only last three days?!
No, of course not... because I did what any idiot would do... and marched right into a couple of local shops and shouted "I need Vartox... and money's no object!" I was met with blank stares, and directions to the nearest pharmacy.
When I finally smartened everybody up... I managed to find both the books we needed to keep this Festive Week of Vartox rollin'! You might say it's a Vartox Week Miracle (they exist, ya know)!
You also might wanna say, "Chris, isn't that a tremendous waste of time, money and effort to keep a silly theme week going?" To which I'd reply...
Yeah, probably!
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We open with... our hero Vartox, returning back to his home planet of Valeron after a "grueling galactic patrol". We learn here that Valeron is part of the "Sombrero Hat Galaxy", which is just too fun not to mention. Upon arrival, he saves a girl's cat-beast from a tree... also, the PLANET EXPLODES.
Onto more serious matters... on Earth, Lana Lang buys a candy apple. As she chomps away, she is approached and chatted up by the millionaire Rodney Mathers. She turns him down flat... claiming she'd rather do laundry than spend an evening with him. Steve Lombard overhears this, and cannot believe his ears.
Speaking of not believing his ears, Clark Kent hears a feint, yet familiar sonic distress call. He ditches a yappin' Morgan Edge and makes a quick-change in an elevator. It's here he says "two seconds" is more than enough time to change clothes... which, begs the question why he needed the cover of a smoke stack that other time!
After "Suping up", Superman finds Vartox... standing on a dark cloud. I mean, literally... poor ol' Vart is standing on a black cloud. It'd be hilarious if it wasn't so pitiful! Anyhoo, he shares his tale of woe with the only other man in the universe he felt he could go to.
Superman takes him to the Fortress straight away, so they can attempt to plan for his future. Once in the Arctic, they see a weird craft... which Superman believes must have just crashed. Vartox corrects him, claiming that it had been there for centuries... and only became visible due to a shifting of the ice causing a glacial fissure.
It is, naturally, lined with lead... so, Superman's outta luck. Vartox, however, has no such restrictions... actually, he doesn't seem to have any restrictions, so he takes a peek. What he finds inside are... well, all of the Valerons who perished in the explosion! He collapses with grief.
A beam is fired from the craft... which doesn't even tickle Superman. Using the power of, ahem "hand-to-hand-super-deflection", the Man of Steel ricochets the beam back at the ship... revealing it to actually be occupied by a pair of a-hole robots!
After a brief battle, Superman lights the sucker up... using his heat vision on the on-board "atomic propulsion system", he causes... a "small" nuclear explosion.
He looks over to Vartox, and finds him hunched over and quivering. Fearing that his super-pal might've just lost his marbles, Superman approaches. Turns out, he was just protecting his little lunch-pail thingie. When they finally make it to the Fortress, Vartox reveals the contents of his case... it's some glowing rocks from Valeron... Valeronite, if you will... only not dangerous to anybody. He wishes to study the rocks to see if he can deduce why his planet went boom. Superman gives the thumbs-up, and says Vartox has full access to all of the Fortress's Sciences's's's during the night... however, he's gotta spend his days... in Metropolis!
Speaking of Metropolis... let's head back there! It's the next day, and Clark is in the commissary. He goes to sit down across from Lana... however, Steve Lombard snatches his seat... and in doing so, actually spills Clark's lunch all over his (Clark's) suit. After eating, Lombard heads over to dump his scraps into the trash compactor... but runs afoul of the Galaxy Building's newest security guard!
Then... as if being controlled by some unseen force... the trash compactor backs-up all over poor Mr. Lombard!
This new security guard is... Vernon O'Valeron... you can call him "Vern"... or, ya know "Vart". He and Lana appear to be drawn toward one another almost instantly. We learn that Clark has set "Vern" up with a temporary security gig while he figures out what to do with him.
That evening, Lana Lang arrives on-set for the six o'clock news a bit late. Sounds like she's spent her afternoon in Vartoxville!
After work, Lana and Clark head outside... where they're greeted by Vernon! Suddenly, the sixth floor of the Galaxy Building explodes into flames! While Lana and Clark look on... Superman shows up?!
Clark watches... and thinks to himself that he could've saved the people on the street from the falling glass without even changing into costume... but, figures he might as well just enjoy the show. This "Superman" is, of course, Vartox... using a "Hyper-Hypnotic" Superman Illusion. That's right, not just "hypnotic"... but "hyper-hypnotic".
Vern returns to the scene, and explains his absence as having to attend to some security-type thing. He reports that the sixth floor was empty at the time of the blast... and nobody was injured. It's here that Clark realizes that he's become the "third wheel" and excuses himself... just before Lana and Vern kiss!
We wrap up later that night at the Fortress of Solitude... where Vartox has deduced that the reason for Valeron's demise was... him! What's more, by coming to Earth... he's doomed our planet as well!
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Holy cow, you guys... Vartox might be one of the most tragic characters in Superman... nay, all comics history. You almost want to give the poor guy a hug... if you weren't afraid of getting tangled-up in his chest-tuft.
This is the poor fella's fourth appearance... and so far, he's:
- Had his wife die suddenly
- Lost his super-powers
- Lost his mind getting his super-powers back
- Snaps back to reality by being taunted with his dead wife
and, now...
- His planet explodes?!
and, also...
- It was his fault!!!
You kidding me? I really thought our deep-dive into the Manliest Man Who Ever Manned would be much "lighter" than this! At this point, we might as well call him the Most Unfortunate Man Who Ever Unfortunated! I mean, just picture him standing on a dark cloud, carrying his cute li'l lunch pail... like he was a mustachioed second-grader who just missed the school bus... and it's raining out... and it's Monday.
That aside, seeing Vartox-as-Vern was actually quite fun. I like his weird adversarial relationship with Steve Lombard, which we've seen before here at the blog. Hell, I even dig the relationship with Lana. What really tickles me about it is, when Clark sees that they're getting close, he's actually worried for Vartox... and not Lana!
This issue started off exceptionally strong... I mean, we go from a bright shiny day on Valeron, where the biggest problem is fetching a cat-beast out of a tree... to the planet exploding! I suppose I could've done without the a-hole robots... but, I mean, this is "Action" Comics... gotta have a little bit of... action.
Overall... a fine issue. I'm really enjoying getting to know Vartox... and I hope you all are too! This is another issue that is not available digitally. If only we had a bigger voice... how great would it be to get a Superman: Vartox trade collection? Anyhoo... worth picking up, if you come across it! Tomorrow we'll find out how the Manliest Man Who Ever Manned gets himself outta this one!
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Action Comics #476 (1977)
"The Attack of the Anti-Super-Hero"
Writer - Cary Bates
Penciller - Kurt Schaffenberger
Inker - Vince Colletta
Letterer - Milt Snapinn
Colorist - Jerry Serpe
Editor - Julius Schwartz
Cover Price: $0.35
Vartox "Week" rolls on... with the conclusion of the two-parter we started yesterday, in which we'll finally see just how Vartox got his groove back!
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Picking up right where we left off last issue, Clark Kent is being attacked by, one of the ugliest character designs of the 1970's, Karb-Brak as he delivers the evening news report on WGBS. Clark uses a thin beam of heat vision to turn out the lights so he can make a hasty escape.
In the darkness, the two Supers burst through a wall... with Clark guiding them toward a nearby smokestack... which looks like it's seen better days. Man, mid/late-70's Metropolis must'a been super smoggy!
Anyhoo, inside the dank-looking smoke-cloud, Clark "supes" up, so by the time they land on, he's mostly dressed in his superhero duds... though, for a panel, he's still wearing his specs.
They fight in the sky for a bit, before Karb-Brak faints away... looks like his super-allergy-induced-fever has passed. Superman is able to swoop down and snatch him before he goes splat.
Superman hauls Brak to the Fortress of Solitude to conduct some tests. As he wonders what triggered this latest "fever", Karb begins to seize... then just flops onto the observation table, seemingly dead. Superman laments his failure... but, only a moment later, Karb-Brak sits up, and calmly explains the entire thing to him! Ya see, he was affected... and then cured by... well, you know.
Meanwhile in the skies above Metropolis, Lois and Jimmy are in a news chopper attempting to track down Superman and Karb-Brak. Suddenly a... skydiver... yeah, a skydiver... gets into the chopper's path... and his parachute gets all gummed up in its blades. Since Superman's all the way at the Fortress, it looks like the helicopter, the skydiver, and all of the poor humans below are doomed! Well, not so fast, kemosabe... there's another life-saver on the beat.
Vartox sets everybody down safely... hell, he even repairs and folds the idiot skydiver's parachute! He introduces himself to Jimmy and Lois, and refers to them as "friends". Lois gets a chill from meeting him... which an editor's note explains away as being, somewhat residual of the time Vartox viewed that "what if?" scenario that ended with her death. Yeah, nice try.
The Manliest Man then bids the WGBS crew adieu, and takes to the skies... just as Superman is returning from the Fortress. The two hop over to the roof of the WGBS building to "catch-up". Upon landing, they are greeted by Karb-Brak... and Superman suggests Vartox 'splain everything that's gone down... and, boy howdy, he does!
Vartox recounts his story... only, in it, it isn't his powers that were deteriorating, but Superman's! The way he sees it, Superman arrived on Earth in hopes of using Karb-Brak to get his groove back. What's more, Vartox actually seems to believe this! Ya see, the, ahem, "energy toxins" he'd absorbed from Karb-Brak to regain his powers, also muddled his mind. Sure... why not?
And, he's not alone in believing this either... looks like Vart's got Karb-Brak's vote too! Karb tells Superman he understands... and forgives him for what he'd done, but strongly suggests the Man of Steel go back from whence he came. Superman knows better than to argue with a couple of crazy men, so he leaves to consider his options.
It isn't long before Superman comes up with a plan... however, he's got some heartburn over it. He only hopes Vartox will forgive him for what he's about to do. The following morning, the pair of supers face off in the skies...
It's an even match to start... until Vartox manifests a bolt of lightning, which he can apparently use as a rope of sorts. He ties Superman up in it... and it looks as though he's going to win the day, until...
He sees his long-dead wife stood atop a nearby building! Superman, pretending Vartox's story is true... and he's the real interloper, rushes off to her, and they embrace. This is enough to shock Vartox back to reality. His "wife" is, of course, Lois Lane in a blonde wig and uncanny mask... but, it's enough. Back in his right mind, Vartox collects Karb-Brak, and the pair leave Earth... forever? Yeah, not likely.
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This poor dude!
Man, I wasn't expecting that this trip into the "funny, ha-ha" story of Vartox would be such a bummer! First he loses his wife... then he loses his powers... then, in attempt to get his powers back... he loses his marbles?! And... and... AND... the only way to snap him back to reality, is to taunt him with his long-dead beloved wife?! Yeesh... bummer days, man.
Speaking of Vartox's unnamed bride... by this point, that was all established three years ago in a one-off story. Gotta wonder just how many Super-fans of the day actually read/recalled it! I mean, there were editor's notes... but, it's not like back-issue bins were that big'a phenomenon back then!
I'm still unclear as to how "energy toxins" enabled Vartox to get his groove back... but, then again... applying logic to this sort of situation is a recipe for disinterest. We'll just give it the ol' "thumbs up" and move on... after all, this just means there's more Vartox in our future... and that's never a bad thing!
There's some suitably Bronze-Age silliness here (outside of the main conflict, of course). First... a skydiver... skydiving in the middle of freaking Metropolis? Even on the best of days, that's a bad idea. Also, flying through the smokestack... like, what's the point? Can't Superman change clothes in a fraction of a second? I mean, Jon Byrne would likely approve of this. Finally... Lois in an uncanny mask, wig, and genie-pants... I guess it got the job done... but, that's some wacky stuff. There's also the question of how Superman knew what Vart's wife even looked like to begin with! Don't get it twisted or anything, I didn't dislike any of the silliness (the Bronze Age has been growing on me for a long while now), I'm just pointing some of the elements that stood out to me.
Overall... not essential, but fun. If you're a Vartox-completionist, well... you're gonna need this one. Not available digitally... which makes me wonder why DC's trying to bury the Manliest Man Who Ever Manned's Bronze-Age glory... I suppose that might be a mystery for another day.
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Action Comics #475 (September, 1977)
"The Super-Hero Who Refused to Hang Up His Boots!"
"The Weak Link!"
Writers - Cary Bates & Elizabeth M. Smith
Pencillers - Curt Swan & Win Mortimer
Inkers - Francisco Chiaramonte
Colors - Jerry Serpe
Editor - Julius Schwartz
Cover Price: $0.35
I can hear it, can you?
There's a hum coming over the horizon... and with every step we take closer to it, it becomes more clear.
Hold your breath for a moment, and really tune in to that hum...
Yes... that's it.
It's saying... More Vartox.
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After an introduction page that spoils just about everything we're about to see, we hop over to Valeron where a pair of wiseguys try and rob a family. They are really lame. Before they can escape... Vartox arrives on the scene to give them the what-for. Only, he's not prepared to received a wallop of a blast to the belly via one of the nogoodniks' "Z-Charge" guns.
Vartox does his best to absorb the blow, and responds by... hanging the bad guys upside down via his "hyper-static beam". Okay, well... whatever works. The Enforcers (Valeron's Finest) come to collect the crooks, however, by then Vartox has shuffled away. Ya see, he's still in great pain from the Z-Charge, and doesn't want anyone to see him that way.
He worries about his age catching up with him... and his powers deteriorating more and more by the day. He knows if this were to get out, would-be Valeron criminals might become a bit more froggy. He decides to check in with his Kryptonian Comrade, Superman to see if he might have some advice. He tunes in on his Scanscope Beam and watches Superman in action.
Superman is busy stopping an out of control wrecking ball at a Metropolis construction site. That's some good timing... it's not like the wrecking ball threatened to break loose a few moments before actually doing so. Anyhoo, he is thanked by his buddy Andrew Meda... yeah... we know this guy. He was Karb-Brak back in that Bicentennial issue. One of the ugliest character designs of the 1970's.
Now... it seems here that Vartox's Scanscope might be able to read minds here? Because, what we get is, perhaps the longest and most awkward handshake between Superman and Andy... all the while Superman recounts his last battle with him as Karb-Brak. Upon seeing/hearing this, Vartox is smacked with inspiration... the Andromedan Karb-Brak might be the answer to all of his problems!
That night, Clark Kent does performs his gig as evening news anchor for WGBS. After sending it over to noodnik Steve Lombard, he excuses himself to go have a gargle. What he's actually doing is checking in on the piece of news he just reported... there's a crazy phone booth in Metropolis just brimming with atomic energy! Why there are no police or emergency personnel currently swarming the thing, I haven't the foggiest!
Out of it pops... you guessed it (or maybe you didn't) Karb-Brak! Brak is back in his more bestial form... a result of his "allergy" to being around super folks. Superman wraps him up in his cape and tries to consider just who triggered the transformation.
Superman winds up taking quite the walloping... and Karb-Brak gets away. Moments later, Superman must "Kent down" and return to the news desk... Lombard's sports report is just about over.
The next news segment is interrupted by... hey, lookit that, Karb-Brak! He attacks Clark, live on the air! We wrap up with the arrival of the main man, Vartox... and he hopes Superman can forgive him for what he had to do.
We're not done yet though, folks! We've got... a back-up. Not just any back-up though... one starring, Lori friggin Lemaris. This is bound to be excellent. As we open, she is caught... oh boy, in a fishing net. She's nyoinked out of the drink by a group of Russians illegally fishing inside the United States' 200-mile fishing limit. International intrigue at its finest!
She tries to telepathically call out for help... but Superman and Aquaman are out of reach. During some casual conversation, one of the fishermen says something about a "weak link" (hey, that's the title of this story!) and it gets her to thinking... she might be able to telepathically control one of these numskulls... and that's exactly what she does.
Fueled by suspicion, the Russians fight among themselves long enough for Lori to... uh, telepathically use their radio to call the authorities.
Then she calls her friends of the sea... and they take care of business. I mean, really... if you could summon a giant octopus, a sperm whale, and swordfish (by name!)... wouldn't you just lead with that? Why all this "weak link" nonsense?
We wrap up with the arrival of the United Nations Security Force... and they arrest the baddies. They ask Lori to come on board too... to which, she reveals that (Holy Mackerel) she is part fish.
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So... Vartox is still quite the tragic character, isn't he? The first time he met Superman was right after his wife died... and now, his powers are waning. Certainly not what I was expecting... I assumed this was going to be a "funny, ha-ha"... but it's more sad than anything! It's hard not to feel bad for the guy!
That said, this story was pretty ridiculous. Not sure what the Scanscope is capable of doing... is it just a way for Vartox to view things... or can it also read the minds of everyone in the shot? Could it see through Andrew Meta's human guise? Can Vart tune in to some smooth 70's soft rock with the thing? Who knows?
The idea of an atomic phone booth not being surrounded by caution tape and traffic cones kinda tickles me. There were just regular civilians walking around it... all the while, it's lit up like a Christmas tree.
Also, it wouldn't be a Bronze Age Superman story if the secret identity wasn't put at risk... and it sure was here, live on television! In front of an audience of over a million folks. Thankfully, these are the same folks who didn't think twice about the affects of hanging around a radioactive phone booth... so, they're clearly not the sharpest bulbs in the drawer.
The back-up? Woof. I mean, it wasn't like it was poorly written or anything... but, it really didn't require so many pages. After a couple of pages, it started to feel like a Dagwood sandwich... just so many unnecessary layers.
Find the weak link! Radio authorities! Call sea-pals! Certainly didn't need all three... especially not the one the story was named for! Why get the Russians to argue? Lori's a telepath... she could radio the UN anytime she wants! Or, better yet... just telepathically contact them! The Russians wouldn't have a clue until it was too late... and by then, Shamu would've capsized the boat anyway!
Overall... unless you're a Superman (or Vartox) completionist (and I am both), you probably don't need this one at the ready. It's fun and silly... but by no means essential. It's not yet available digitally... so, this'll be a bin dive... but it shouldn't be a terribly spendy one.
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