Action Comics #499 (September, 1979)
"As the World Turns... For the Last Time!"
Writer - Cary Bates
Penciller - Curt Swan
Inker - Vince Colletta
Letterer - Todd Klein
Colorist - Gene D'Angelo
Editor - Julius Schwartz
Cover Price: $0.40
When we last left our heroes... the Man of the Hour, Vartox, deduced that he alone was (unwittingly) responsible for dooming his home planet of Valeron... and now, in coming to Earth... looks like he might be going two-for-two!
The Merriest of Vartox Weeks roll on with our dramatic (and surely senses-shattering) conclusion!
--
After an opening page comparing Vartox to, of all people, Jor-El... we hop right on in, where Superman and Vartox both are arriving at a Daily Planet storage room, where they change into their "civvies". Vartox reports that he has news most dire... and if you read last issue, you know exactly what that news is! Before he can elaborate, however, they are interrupted by... Jennifer! One of the finest secretaries in all of Metropolis!
They come up with a passable excuse for being found in a closet together, while straightening their ties... and she buys it. Heading into the hallway, Vart gets a few more sentences into his tale of woe, before... Lana Lang sashays up and gets all up in Vartox's space. Before they can make out, Jennifer walks up on them too! Poor gal might wind up pregnant from all of Vartox' manliness in the air.
Anyhoo, "Vernon" and Lana head to Metropolis Park to have some lunch... and it's here that our man decides to... come clean! He tells Lana Lang, a woman he's known for one whole day his entire secret origin. Lana's touched! She even sheds a (single) tear for the fall of Valeron.
Back at the Galaxy Building, Clark receives a teletype about some strange goings on in the town of Corlyville, Wisconsin (doesn't exist - saved ya the google). The folks there believe that the world is about to end... and so, Superman decides to check out just how far-gone these people are.
Upon arrival, he is swarmed by scared Corlyvillians... they're all certain that the world is about to end... and are quite annoyed when Superman doesn't whisk them all away to a "safe" planet... like Mars or the Moon. At that moment in Metropolis, Perry, Lois and Jimmy receive word that this mania is spreading worldwide! People of faith are heading to Jerusalem... the U.N. Security Council just adjourned so members can be with their families... it's quite the scene out there... just imagine the traffic!
Returning to Metropolis, Superman runs into Vartox, who finally spills the beans and what he'd learned during his research at the Fortress... he says that he doomed Valeron, and has now also doomed the Earth. He believes the widespread panic is a result of his own telepathic suggestion getting into other peoples heads.
Then... then... in the skies over Eurasia, a jet with a red star on its side is getting ready to drop a gas bomb on a populated city to gently put the people below "to sleep"... permanently, so they don't experience the end of the world. Yikes. Superman and Vartox put a stop to that. Good thing it was only the one jet, am I right?
Back at the Fortress, Vartox attempts to prove his point. Ya see, during the "grueling galactic patrol" from which Vart returned at the start of last issue, he wound up carrying a theoretical "X-Element", which... upon coming into contact with oxygen atoms, starts a chain reaction akin to billions of microscopic atomic bombs... so, boom goes the planet.
Superman wants more proof than that... and so, he engages his microscopic vision to see if the oxygen is getting ready to "pop". Everything looks normal to him... and, ya know... this isn't the first time Vartox has said something crazy. Speaking of crazy, Vartox then headbutts Superman... and a fight is on.
The pair of supers struggle for a bit, before Vart nails Superman with a "hyper-brain blast"... which drops him like a stone.
As he comes to, he sees Vartox... however, he's dressed as Jor-El! Vart-El is trying to convince some Kryptonian manikins that the planet is doomed. Superman kinda looses his stuff over this.
In fact, his reaction is far more extreme than Vartox ever imagined it would be! Superman lashes out before bursting out a wall. Luckily, once outside, he engages his microscopic vision again. Wouldn'tcha know it, the oxygen outside the Fortress is gettin' poppy! Vartox was right all along!
So, why was the air inside the Fortress safe? Well, you remember Vartox's adorable little lunch pail full of radioactive Valeronite rocks, right? Looks like those were the ticket to neutralizing the threat! And so, Superman and Vartox head to the Sombrero Hat Galaxy to scoop up great big bits of the doomed planet... which they can pulverize inside of Earth's atmosphere... and save the day!
We wrap up back in Metropolis, atop the Galaxy Building... where Vartox says his final (yeah right) farewells to Lana Lang. She is shaken, but understands why he must go.
--
Man... this dude.
By now, we probably don't need to recount just how sad'a sack this poor fella is... suffice it to say, the poor jamoke just can't catch a break. Even after saving the Earth (that he'd inadvertently endangered in the first place) he exiles himself to space in order to find a planet that needs him. If you've been following this blog, you already know how this ends up.
For the most part, I dug this issue... suitably silly, love the use of the Kryptonian manikins... that always tickles me, both for the fact that these things exist in the first place... and how they actually trigger painful memories for Superman. Why even have them if they might cause you to lash out?! Hell, why even have them at all?! That's just weird!
Not to go all "suspension of disbelief" on ya, but... I mean... let's discuss that scene. While Superman and Vartox fly toward the Fortress, they come across a jet looking to "peacefully end" an entire bustling Eurasian city via a gas-bomb. You really gotta figure there's more than one jet out there doing this, right? Like, sure, Superman and Vartox saved this one city... but, what about all the others? Surely, more than one government gave this idea the ol' "thumbs up", right? Maybe I'm... yeah, I'm definitely over-thinking it.
Thought it sorta made sense that "Vernon" came clean to Lana Lang... after all, Vartox never had a secret identity back on Valeron, so he's not used to the whole dual-persona thing. Also, he really seems to dig our green-eyed Lana... so, why not? Letting her "in" facilitates future stories... which won't be predicated on Three's Company-esque misunderstandings and bumbling to protect the Vernon O'Valeron identity. I mean, we've already got our fill with the Clark Kent/Superman struggle during the Bronze Age/pre-Crisis.
Overall, a pretty good issue... a bit convenient, but, that's to be expected. Worth a look if you come across it. If you're interested, you can do some Vartox Week "extra credit" and check out his next appearance (which we've already discussed, right here) before coming back tomorrow for the conclusion to that story. Vartox Week rolls on!
--
Letters Page:
--
Interesting Ads:
920
Action Comics #498 (August, 1979)
"The Catastrophic Man!"
Writer - Cary Bates
Penciller - Curt Swan
Inker - Frank Chiaramonte
Letterer - Ben Oda
Colorist - Gene D'Angelo
Editor - Julius Schwartz
Cover Price: $0.40
So, yesterday was almost a most tragic day...
I was checking through my list of Vartox appearances... and came to learn I was missing two of 'em! Not just any two, but the next two we were set to cover here! Would Vartox "Week" only last three days?!
No, of course not... because I did what any idiot would do... and marched right into a couple of local shops and shouted "I need Vartox... and money's no object!" I was met with blank stares, and directions to the nearest pharmacy.
When I finally smartened everybody up... I managed to find both the books we needed to keep this Festive Week of Vartox rollin'! You might say it's a Vartox Week Miracle (they exist, ya know)!
You also might wanna say, "Chris, isn't that a tremendous waste of time, money and effort to keep a silly theme week going?" To which I'd reply...
Yeah, probably!
--
We open with... our hero Vartox, returning back to his home planet of Valeron after a "grueling galactic patrol". We learn here that Valeron is part of the "Sombrero Hat Galaxy", which is just too fun not to mention. Upon arrival, he saves a girl's cat-beast from a tree... also, the PLANET EXPLODES.
Onto more serious matters... on Earth, Lana Lang buys a candy apple. As she chomps away, she is approached and chatted up by the millionaire Rodney Mathers. She turns him down flat... claiming she'd rather do laundry than spend an evening with him. Steve Lombard overhears this, and cannot believe his ears.
Speaking of not believing his ears, Clark Kent hears a feint, yet familiar sonic distress call. He ditches a yappin' Morgan Edge and makes a quick-change in an elevator. It's here he says "two seconds" is more than enough time to change clothes... which, begs the question why he needed the cover of a smoke stack that other time!
After "Suping up", Superman finds Vartox... standing on a dark cloud. I mean, literally... poor ol' Vart is standing on a black cloud. It'd be hilarious if it wasn't so pitiful! Anyhoo, he shares his tale of woe with the only other man in the universe he felt he could go to.
Superman takes him to the Fortress straight away, so they can attempt to plan for his future. Once in the Arctic, they see a weird craft... which Superman believes must have just crashed. Vartox corrects him, claiming that it had been there for centuries... and only became visible due to a shifting of the ice causing a glacial fissure.
It is, naturally, lined with lead... so, Superman's outta luck. Vartox, however, has no such restrictions... actually, he doesn't seem to have any restrictions, so he takes a peek. What he finds inside are... well, all of the Valerons who perished in the explosion! He collapses with grief.
A beam is fired from the craft... which doesn't even tickle Superman. Using the power of, ahem "hand-to-hand-super-deflection", the Man of Steel ricochets the beam back at the ship... revealing it to actually be occupied by a pair of a-hole robots!
After a brief battle, Superman lights the sucker up... using his heat vision on the on-board "atomic propulsion system", he causes... a "small" nuclear explosion.
He looks over to Vartox, and finds him hunched over and quivering. Fearing that his super-pal might've just lost his marbles, Superman approaches. Turns out, he was just protecting his little lunch-pail thingie. When they finally make it to the Fortress, Vartox reveals the contents of his case... it's some glowing rocks from Valeron... Valeronite, if you will... only not dangerous to anybody. He wishes to study the rocks to see if he can deduce why his planet went boom. Superman gives the thumbs-up, and says Vartox has full access to all of the Fortress's Sciences's's's during the night... however, he's gotta spend his days... in Metropolis!
Speaking of Metropolis... let's head back there! It's the next day, and Clark is in the commissary. He goes to sit down across from Lana... however, Steve Lombard snatches his seat... and in doing so, actually spills Clark's lunch all over his (Clark's) suit. After eating, Lombard heads over to dump his scraps into the trash compactor... but runs afoul of the Galaxy Building's newest security guard!
Then... as if being controlled by some unseen force... the trash compactor backs-up all over poor Mr. Lombard!
This new security guard is... Vernon O'Valeron... you can call him "Vern"... or, ya know "Vart". He and Lana appear to be drawn toward one another almost instantly. We learn that Clark has set "Vern" up with a temporary security gig while he figures out what to do with him.
That evening, Lana Lang arrives on-set for the six o'clock news a bit late. Sounds like she's spent her afternoon in Vartoxville!
After work, Lana and Clark head outside... where they're greeted by Vernon! Suddenly, the sixth floor of the Galaxy Building explodes into flames! While Lana and Clark look on... Superman shows up?!
Clark watches... and thinks to himself that he could've saved the people on the street from the falling glass without even changing into costume... but, figures he might as well just enjoy the show. This "Superman" is, of course, Vartox... using a "Hyper-Hypnotic" Superman Illusion. That's right, not just "hypnotic"... but "hyper-hypnotic".
Vern returns to the scene, and explains his absence as having to attend to some security-type thing. He reports that the sixth floor was empty at the time of the blast... and nobody was injured. It's here that Clark realizes that he's become the "third wheel" and excuses himself... just before Lana and Vern kiss!
We wrap up later that night at the Fortress of Solitude... where Vartox has deduced that the reason for Valeron's demise was... him! What's more, by coming to Earth... he's doomed our planet as well!
--
Holy cow, you guys... Vartox might be one of the most tragic characters in Superman... nay, all comics history. You almost want to give the poor guy a hug... if you weren't afraid of getting tangled-up in his chest-tuft.
This is the poor fella's fourth appearance... and so far, he's:
- Had his wife die suddenly
- Lost his super-powers
- Lost his mind getting his super-powers back
- Snaps back to reality by being taunted with his dead wife
and, now...
- His planet explodes?!
and, also...
- It was his fault!!!
You kidding me? I really thought our deep-dive into the Manliest Man Who Ever Manned would be much "lighter" than this! At this point, we might as well call him the Most Unfortunate Man Who Ever Unfortunated! I mean, just picture him standing on a dark cloud, carrying his cute li'l lunch pail... like he was a mustachioed second-grader who just missed the school bus... and it's raining out... and it's Monday.
That aside, seeing Vartox-as-Vern was actually quite fun. I like his weird adversarial relationship with Steve Lombard, which we've seen before here at the blog. Hell, I even dig the relationship with Lana. What really tickles me about it is, when Clark sees that they're getting close, he's actually worried for Vartox... and not Lana!
This issue started off exceptionally strong... I mean, we go from a bright shiny day on Valeron, where the biggest problem is fetching a cat-beast out of a tree... to the planet exploding! I suppose I could've done without the a-hole robots... but, I mean, this is "Action" Comics... gotta have a little bit of... action.
Overall... a fine issue. I'm really enjoying getting to know Vartox... and I hope you all are too! This is another issue that is not available digitally. If only we had a bigger voice... how great would it be to get a Superman: Vartox trade collection? Anyhoo... worth picking up, if you come across it! Tomorrow we'll find out how the Manliest Man Who Ever Manned gets himself outta this one!
--
Letters Page:
--
Interesting Ads:
919
Action Comics #476 (1977)
"The Attack of the Anti-Super-Hero"
Writer - Cary Bates
Penciller - Kurt Schaffenberger
Inker - Vince Colletta
Letterer - Milt Snapinn
Colorist - Jerry Serpe
Editor - Julius Schwartz
Cover Price: $0.35
Vartox "Week" rolls on... with the conclusion of the two-parter we started yesterday, in which we'll finally see just how Vartox got his groove back!
--
Picking up right where we left off last issue, Clark Kent is being attacked by, one of the ugliest character designs of the 1970's, Karb-Brak as he delivers the evening news report on WGBS. Clark uses a thin beam of heat vision to turn out the lights so he can make a hasty escape.
In the darkness, the two Supers burst through a wall... with Clark guiding them toward a nearby smokestack... which looks like it's seen better days. Man, mid/late-70's Metropolis must'a been super smoggy!
Anyhoo, inside the dank-looking smoke-cloud, Clark "supes" up, so by the time they land on, he's mostly dressed in his superhero duds... though, for a panel, he's still wearing his specs.
They fight in the sky for a bit, before Karb-Brak faints away... looks like his super-allergy-induced-fever has passed. Superman is able to swoop down and snatch him before he goes splat.
Superman hauls Brak to the Fortress of Solitude to conduct some tests. As he wonders what triggered this latest "fever", Karb begins to seize... then just flops onto the observation table, seemingly dead. Superman laments his failure... but, only a moment later, Karb-Brak sits up, and calmly explains the entire thing to him! Ya see, he was affected... and then cured by... well, you know.
Meanwhile in the skies above Metropolis, Lois and Jimmy are in a news chopper attempting to track down Superman and Karb-Brak. Suddenly a... skydiver... yeah, a skydiver... gets into the chopper's path... and his parachute gets all gummed up in its blades. Since Superman's all the way at the Fortress, it looks like the helicopter, the skydiver, and all of the poor humans below are doomed! Well, not so fast, kemosabe... there's another life-saver on the beat.
Vartox sets everybody down safely... hell, he even repairs and folds the idiot skydiver's parachute! He introduces himself to Jimmy and Lois, and refers to them as "friends". Lois gets a chill from meeting him... which an editor's note explains away as being, somewhat residual of the time Vartox viewed that "what if?" scenario that ended with her death. Yeah, nice try.
The Manliest Man then bids the WGBS crew adieu, and takes to the skies... just as Superman is returning from the Fortress. The two hop over to the roof of the WGBS building to "catch-up". Upon landing, they are greeted by Karb-Brak... and Superman suggests Vartox 'splain everything that's gone down... and, boy howdy, he does!
Vartox recounts his story... only, in it, it isn't his powers that were deteriorating, but Superman's! The way he sees it, Superman arrived on Earth in hopes of using Karb-Brak to get his groove back. What's more, Vartox actually seems to believe this! Ya see, the, ahem, "energy toxins" he'd absorbed from Karb-Brak to regain his powers, also muddled his mind. Sure... why not?
And, he's not alone in believing this either... looks like Vart's got Karb-Brak's vote too! Karb tells Superman he understands... and forgives him for what he'd done, but strongly suggests the Man of Steel go back from whence he came. Superman knows better than to argue with a couple of crazy men, so he leaves to consider his options.
It isn't long before Superman comes up with a plan... however, he's got some heartburn over it. He only hopes Vartox will forgive him for what he's about to do. The following morning, the pair of supers face off in the skies...
It's an even match to start... until Vartox manifests a bolt of lightning, which he can apparently use as a rope of sorts. He ties Superman up in it... and it looks as though he's going to win the day, until...
He sees his long-dead wife stood atop a nearby building! Superman, pretending Vartox's story is true... and he's the real interloper, rushes off to her, and they embrace. This is enough to shock Vartox back to reality. His "wife" is, of course, Lois Lane in a blonde wig and uncanny mask... but, it's enough. Back in his right mind, Vartox collects Karb-Brak, and the pair leave Earth... forever? Yeah, not likely.
--
This poor dude!
Man, I wasn't expecting that this trip into the "funny, ha-ha" story of Vartox would be such a bummer! First he loses his wife... then he loses his powers... then, in attempt to get his powers back... he loses his marbles?! And... and... AND... the only way to snap him back to reality, is to taunt him with his long-dead beloved wife?! Yeesh... bummer days, man.
Speaking of Vartox's unnamed bride... by this point, that was all established three years ago in a one-off story. Gotta wonder just how many Super-fans of the day actually read/recalled it! I mean, there were editor's notes... but, it's not like back-issue bins were that big'a phenomenon back then!
I'm still unclear as to how "energy toxins" enabled Vartox to get his groove back... but, then again... applying logic to this sort of situation is a recipe for disinterest. We'll just give it the ol' "thumbs up" and move on... after all, this just means there's more Vartox in our future... and that's never a bad thing!
There's some suitably Bronze-Age silliness here (outside of the main conflict, of course). First... a skydiver... skydiving in the middle of freaking Metropolis? Even on the best of days, that's a bad idea. Also, flying through the smokestack... like, what's the point? Can't Superman change clothes in a fraction of a second? I mean, Jon Byrne would likely approve of this. Finally... Lois in an uncanny mask, wig, and genie-pants... I guess it got the job done... but, that's some wacky stuff. There's also the question of how Superman knew what Vart's wife even looked like to begin with! Don't get it twisted or anything, I didn't dislike any of the silliness (the Bronze Age has been growing on me for a long while now), I'm just pointing some of the elements that stood out to me.
Overall... not essential, but fun. If you're a Vartox-completionist, well... you're gonna need this one. Not available digitally... which makes me wonder why DC's trying to bury the Manliest Man Who Ever Manned's Bronze-Age glory... I suppose that might be a mystery for another day.
--
Letters Page & Publishorial:
--
Interesting Ads:
918
