Superman #373 (July, 1982)
"Lana Lang's Farewell to Earth!"
"An Eye (and Ear) On the World!"
Writers - Cary Bates & Bob Rozakis
Pencillers - Curt Swan & John Calnan
Inker - Dave Hunt
Letterer - John Costanza
Colors - Anthony Tollin & Tom Ziuko
Editor - Julius Schwartz
Cover Price: $0.60
After that stinker of an issue we discussed yesterday, I feared that Vartox Week was in jeopardy... wouldn't wanna read another one like that! Though, I suppose... during every holiday week, some rain must fall... or something.
Let's hit it and git it with day seven of Vartox Week!
--
We open with Superman helping out some oil workers by excising a glowing... and expanding... rock from the ground where they were digging. This stone is evidently harder than even a diamond-tipped drill... so, we know it's bad news. Superman flies it into space... right past a very familiar silhouette.
Then... it explodes... thanks to that very familiar silhouette. What follows is a scene not unlike the The Creation of Adam fresco... only, this isn't Adam and God, this is Superman and... Vartox!
The two chums reconnect, with Var informing Superman that he's going to be "in town" for the next few days. This is something that'll make one Ms. Lang very happy. Unbeknownst to them, they are being observed by another... sorta familiar... silhouette.
That night, back in Metropolis, Jimmy Olsen fills in for an "under the weather" Lana Lang on the WGBS Evening News. Of course, we know that she's actually... uh, under... something else. Okay, okay... they're just making out... but, fact remains, she's with Vartox.
As their evening draws to a close, Var returns Lana to her apartment... and informs her that he's only ever loved one woman as much as he loves her... and that, of course, is his (still) unnamed deceased wife. Gentleman he is, he doesn't spend the night... but tells her he'll be back to retrieve her in the morning. That night she thinks about just how unfair life can be... she can only see her beloved for a few days each year.
Back at the Fortress, Vartox tells Superman that he'd never be able to take Lana back to Tynola with him... because the atmosphere just won't jive with the physiology of an Earthling. Of course, we could argue that Vartox could just move to Earth... but, then we wouldn't have a story.
Then... back at Lana's, our gal is visited by... an apparition of sorts. This ghoulish figure, um... squirts clear pudding at her? Before we know it, Lana is completely encased in this gelatinous coating... and she likes it!
At the Fortress of Dualitude, Superman is alerted to an uprising in Rzunda, a fictional country in Africa... I'm guessing "Rwanda" was just on the tip of Cary Bates' tongue. Either way, there's an Ambassador being held captive by some baddies. Superman and Vartox tag team the gig, and it's over before we know it.
Back in Metropolis, Jimmy Olsen arrives at Lana's place to check on her. Remember, he thinks she's ill. He's even brought her her favorite breakfast from the corner cafe. What he finds is... gas pouring out from under her door! He bursts in and triggers his Zee-Zee Signal Watch.
No sooner do Superman and Vartox burst in themselves! Superman inhales all of the gas (we don't see him exhale it... he must've swallowed the whole lot!) and Vartox finds Lana... perfectly healthy, though, covered with a thin membrane of that gelatinous coating from the apparition. The "gas" was actually Tynolan atmosphere, so this proves she would survive living there.
And so, Lana ups and quits her job at WGBS and readies herself for an intergalactic moving truck rental.
Later, Superman and Vartox chat about the "apparition". Vartox posits that it was actually his own "hyper" body. His "phantom-self", even. Fueled by a subconscious desire to have Lana return to Tynola with him, the hyper-body found a way to make it all possible. Well, that's about as sound a reason as any, right? Of course, we know better.
The heroes part company, with Vartox deciding to take a load off and relax inside an active volcano. Superman "Clarks down" and heads back to Metropolis to have his "final" farewell with his old pal Lana. Vartox can't help himself but to use his hyper-vision to eavesdrop on them... and what he sees is, well... two old friends sharing a goodbye kiss.
Of course, to our man Vartox this scene looks anything but innocent. And so, he stands up... and declares Superman his enemy! The Kryptonian... must die! While Vartox rants, we draw to a close... and also, a woman rises from the lava. To be continued? You betta believe it.
But... we're not done yet! What follows is yet another peek into The Private Life of Clark Kent! These strange diary entries... which actually start with "Dear Diary..." wherein we share a (relatively) more mundane day-in-the-life with Clark. This one opens with Clark having a killer Spanish Omelette with his cousin Kara... before they have to head into New York City.
Ya see, this was during a time where Kara/"Linda" was starring on the daytime soap "Secret Hearts", and because today's script called fro a "real newsman" she was able to wrangle a guest-spot for her cousin Clark.
During the filming of their scene, Clark's super-hearing picks up a happening out in the street. An ambulance cannot make its way through the gridlock traffic. Since this is Kara's "turf" he decides to leave it to her... regardless of the fact that she's, ya know, currently on camera.
When Kara doesn't budge, Clark begrudgingly "supes up" and takes care of business... all the while preparing a lecture for his ignorant cousin. At that very moment on set, Linda flubs her lines.
Superman saves the day and drops the ambulance off at the hospital... then makes it back to the "Secret Hearts" set just in the nick of time to deliver his lines.
After the tape machines stop rolling, Clark goes to lay into Linda for ignoring the ambulance. She informs him that she used super-ventriloquism to tell him to handle the crisis, while she bought them some time by flubbing her lines! Only Clark was to "tuned in" to the ambulance to hear it... wonk wonk wonnnnnnk.
We wrap up with Clark promising to prepare another killer Spanish Omelette to make up for going off the handle... in the dorkiest way possible.
--
Well, that was more like it! I feel like both stories we get here delivered... hell, in comparison to yesterday's debacle, overdelivered.
Let's look at our "main feature". Vartox returns to Earth from his adopted home of Tynola (look at that continuity!) to visit with his friends Superman and Lana Lang. Perfectly adequate basis for a story.
The apparition? I haven't read further, but we almost gotta assume it has something to do with his unnamed deceased wife, right? I mean, she gets a mention here... also, it's established that Vartox can emit a "hyper-body"... I'm gonna guess that this hyper-body is a manifestation of Var's own guilt for moving on with his life... which takes the form of his lost wife. Almost gotta be, right?
It begs the question why the apparition would facilitate Lana Lang's ability to travel to Tynola... but, I'm gonna assume that's going to be revealed as a "monkey's paw" type of thing. During their chat, Superman instills in Vartox the axiom, "Beware of wishing too hard for what you want... because your wish might come true." So... we almost gotta be dealing with a "monkey's paw" situation, right?
Now... after Vartox sees Clark and Lana kiss. Is that an overreaction? I dunno. I mean, we know it's purely innocent (at least on Clark's end)... but, Vartox... a dude who's been kicked so many times when he's been down. I mean, we've just looked at his first eight appearances... and he's got more tragedy in his life than a troupe of Shakespearean so-and-so's.
I believe it stands to reason that Vartox would react the way he did. Lashing out without waiting for context or explanation. Dude's had a rough time of it... and probably just sees this as the next tragedy in his his life. I'm down with it.
Onto the back-up. The Secret Life of Clark Kent backups are among my (very few) favorite "flavor" of back-ups. They're almost always silly... but also, a lot of fun. I mean, where else are we going to see Clark Kent guest-starring on a daytime soap?
The highlight of this story... hell, perhaps the entire issue... is Clark dorkily saying "Ole!" and snapping his fingers when Kara asks for another "mean Spanish Omelette". That there's an image I'm going to be keeping within reach.
So... we've just had seven days of Vartox... but, you can't be thinking we're going to be left hangin' on that cliffhanger, right? By now we should all be fully-aware that Vartox Week is far too big a deal to be wrangled within the confines of seven Earthly days! Vartox Week will continue!
--
Letters Page (including THE FISH):
--
Interesting Ads:
922
Superman #357 (March, 1981)
"Food For a God!"
"The Troublemaker of New Metropolis!"
Writers - Cary Bates & Bob Rozakis
Pencillers - Curt Swan & Denys Cowan
Inkers - Frank Chiaramonte & Joe Giella
Letterers - Ben Oda & Milt Snapinn
Colorists - Adrienne Roy & Phil Rachelson
Editor - Julius Schwartz
Cover Price: $0.50
For this bit of Vartox Week merriment, we're going to be picking up on a cliffhanger we discussed a couple of months back. Quick and dirty version is, Vartox believes he'd finally found a new planet to both be champion of, and also call his home. Turns out, his new pals keep concocting all of the threats he has to face... so, he enlisted the aid of Superman to try and get to the bottom of it.
It was be revealed at the end that Vart's new planet-mates all prayed to a melty gummy Lifesaver in the sky... but why?
Well, let's find out!
--
We open with a recap. Lois and Jimmy are concerned that they hadn't heard from Clark since he went skiing with Lana and Lombard up at Mammoth Mountain. Lois can't shake a feeling of dread... but Jimmy is able to talk her down. Elsewhere, Lana is upset that she was only able to spend a scant couple of hours with her beloved Vartox during his visit to Mammoth Mountain. Also, Superman has no-showed an event at the Metropolis Civic Center where he was set to receive a Humanitarian Award.
Now, all three of those fellows are currently on the planet Tylenol Tynola... and we join Vartox as he is in the middle of a hyper-feat. One that is being watched by a handful of fans, naturally. It's here that he recounts the events of last issue... as mentioned in the intro, the Tynolans have been manufacturing all of the threats the great Vartox must neutralize... but why?
Elsewhere on Tynola, Superman has been captured. Toward the end of the previous issue, Superman allowed Vartox to "kayo" him in front of the Tynolans. This way he can be a "prisoner" of the geeks and perform some super-surveillance while Vartox keeps up the con. Now, he finds himself trapped in a spheroid prison-ball thing, floating in a liquid-filled dome... which really puts a pinch on his super-momentum... but, that's part of the plan too! It's one of those "Dagwood Sandwiches"... so so many layers.
Superman "tunes in" on some of his Tynolan prisoners, and learns that they are more or less "fattening" Vartox up (full of energy, that is) so that he could be sacrificed to a being referred to as Moxumbra (that's the melty Gummy Lifesaver)! What's more, if Moxumbra ain't satisfied with Vartox... they'll just feed Superman to it!
Superman then turns his attention toward Vartox himself... who, as you might expect, is in the middle of yet another hyper-feat. Ya see, the Tynolans are keeping him constantly busy so that he is constantly "operating his hyper-powers" at full capacity... this way he'd never notice that the Tynolans are regularly bombarding him with "mosmic beams", which are easily edible by the giant hungry Gummy Lifesaver in the sky! Another Dagwood Sandwich! Now I'm starting to get hungry.
Now, Superman's heard all he needs to hear, and proceeds to make an actual escape attempt. What he doesn't realize is that the Tynolans have done their homework on him... just as he busts out of the sphere... his jailers close a dome over his head, which bombards him with Red Sun Energy!
Next thing we know, Superman is loaded into a cannon! The Tynolans are planning to send him up as an appetizer for Moxumbra... or, are they? Vartox arrives just as they trigger it to blow.
And so, Superman is launched into space... and before he knows it, is right before that melty Gummy Lifesaver, Moxumbra! Vartox arrives a half-second later to save his super pal. Superman warns him that this is yet another manufactured situation by the Tynolans... they sent Superman to Moxumbra knowing that Vartox would attempt to save him, putting him in just the right spot to be eaten himself!
Wouldn'tcha know it... looks like the Tynolans' plan is going to work! Moxumbra zeroes in on the "mosmically-charged" Vartox... and gets right to eating! Superman watches as his buddy begins to fade away... but then, he has an idea!
He asks Vartox to blast him and transfer over his mosmic energy! Ol' Vart looks like he might finally be at peace... and doesn't seem to be terribly interested in even struggling, but ultimately comes around. After pumping Superman full of mosmicocity, Moxumbra goes to take a bite... but comes to learn that the Man of Steel's super-powers are... get this, indigestible. Aye yai yai. The Space God leaves... and Superman assures Vartox that it'll never come back to Tynola again.
We wrap up with Vartox deciding to stay on Tynola. Seems like they've come around to their folly... and, without Moxumbra, might just be in actual need of a champion... a role Vartox is excited to fill.
But... we're not done yet! We've got a back-up... and, it's from a series of back-ups sure to be "discovered" by the "funny, ha-ha" comics websites in about a year and a half. This is, Superman 2020... and it stars the Grandson of Superman! We open with him fighting some baddies over a the rarest of collectors items... a copper penny!
After saving the... uh, cent... Superman III returns to his civilian role of Traffic-Controller, Jon Hudson. No longer a Kent... because, as a helpful editor's note informs us, his father (Superman II) was forced to "kill off" his, get this "Kalel Kent" persona. Yikes. Anyhoo... back at the office, he meets up with his boss, Ms. Mellodee Sellers... and boy howdy, is he smitten!
Then... he's alerted that all of the solar-powered flying cars are suddenly falling out of the sky! This is most definitely a job for Superman....'s Grandson.
After saving the day, Jon returns back to work... and he still can't shake his lust for Mellodee. I mean, dude's obsessed. He finally gets the guts to ask her on a date... and she accepts!
Then... a report comes in about a fire! And so, Jon "supes up" to deal with it. He actually inhales the entire inferno... rushes to the Atlantic Ocean (which New Metropolis floats over in a dome), and exhales it into the (polluted) drink.
Superman then returns to New Metropolis, just as a regularly-scheduled thunderstorm is about to begin. He notices that the lightning that goes along with it is going out of control! He heads to the "Weather Machine" and fixes it up.
But... even with the sun shining in, the solar cars still can't take off. He thinks on it... and comes to the conclusion that he'a actually at fault for this! Him flying in and out of the dome has disturbed the air molecules... which blocked the solar hooziwatzits from powering the cars. He uses his super-icy breath to bring everything back to normal... but doesn't seem to pay much mind to the hundreds... thousands of solar-powered cars that likely came crashing down due to his error.
We wrap up with Jon Hudson finally having his date with Ms. Sellers. Yay.
--
Not gonna lie... this one was pretty unpleasant. At least Vartox found himself a new home... I guess!
Our lead off story... I used the term "Dagwood Sandwich" a few times... which, I suppose might be a dated reference for some... so I should probably explain it, and save ya the Google.
You see that disaster of a sandwich right there? That is what the Tynolan set-up reminded me of. Ya know, when a couple of cold cuts and a slice of cheese might suffice... our man Dagwood just keeps piling it on. I mean, I think there are peas in that sandwich!
The Tynolans' (and the Vartox/Superman) plans... could've been so much simpler... but, they just kept piling unnecessary extra steps, which only served to eat up more and more panels just to explain 'em! By the time of the pay-off... I was already over it! But... at least Vartox has himself a new home... right?
The back-up... was also rough. I suppose I should be thankful for it, otherwise the first story would have needed to add at least another half-dozen gratuitous steps in order to fill the extra pages!
Overall... definitely the weakest entry of Vartox Week... but, ya know... they can't all be winners! I guess issues like this make us value the good ones all that much more! Only for Vartox completionists... all four of us!
--
Letters Page:
--
Interesting Ads:
921
Action Comics #499 (September, 1979)
"As the World Turns... For the Last Time!"
Writer - Cary Bates
Penciller - Curt Swan
Inker - Vince Colletta
Letterer - Todd Klein
Colorist - Gene D'Angelo
Editor - Julius Schwartz
Cover Price: $0.40
When we last left our heroes... the Man of the Hour, Vartox, deduced that he alone was (unwittingly) responsible for dooming his home planet of Valeron... and now, in coming to Earth... looks like he might be going two-for-two!
The Merriest of Vartox Weeks roll on with our dramatic (and surely senses-shattering) conclusion!
--
After an opening page comparing Vartox to, of all people, Jor-El... we hop right on in, where Superman and Vartox both are arriving at a Daily Planet storage room, where they change into their "civvies". Vartox reports that he has news most dire... and if you read last issue, you know exactly what that news is! Before he can elaborate, however, they are interrupted by... Jennifer! One of the finest secretaries in all of Metropolis!
They come up with a passable excuse for being found in a closet together, while straightening their ties... and she buys it. Heading into the hallway, Vart gets a few more sentences into his tale of woe, before... Lana Lang sashays up and gets all up in Vartox's space. Before they can make out, Jennifer walks up on them too! Poor gal might wind up pregnant from all of Vartox' manliness in the air.
Anyhoo, "Vernon" and Lana head to Metropolis Park to have some lunch... and it's here that our man decides to... come clean! He tells Lana Lang, a woman he's known for one whole day his entire secret origin. Lana's touched! She even sheds a (single) tear for the fall of Valeron.
Back at the Galaxy Building, Clark receives a teletype about some strange goings on in the town of Corlyville, Wisconsin (doesn't exist - saved ya the google). The folks there believe that the world is about to end... and so, Superman decides to check out just how far-gone these people are.
Upon arrival, he is swarmed by scared Corlyvillians... they're all certain that the world is about to end... and are quite annoyed when Superman doesn't whisk them all away to a "safe" planet... like Mars or the Moon. At that moment in Metropolis, Perry, Lois and Jimmy receive word that this mania is spreading worldwide! People of faith are heading to Jerusalem... the U.N. Security Council just adjourned so members can be with their families... it's quite the scene out there... just imagine the traffic!
Returning to Metropolis, Superman runs into Vartox, who finally spills the beans and what he'd learned during his research at the Fortress... he says that he doomed Valeron, and has now also doomed the Earth. He believes the widespread panic is a result of his own telepathic suggestion getting into other peoples heads.
Then... then... in the skies over Eurasia, a jet with a red star on its side is getting ready to drop a gas bomb on a populated city to gently put the people below "to sleep"... permanently, so they don't experience the end of the world. Yikes. Superman and Vartox put a stop to that. Good thing it was only the one jet, am I right?
Back at the Fortress, Vartox attempts to prove his point. Ya see, during the "grueling galactic patrol" from which Vart returned at the start of last issue, he wound up carrying a theoretical "X-Element", which... upon coming into contact with oxygen atoms, starts a chain reaction akin to billions of microscopic atomic bombs... so, boom goes the planet.
Superman wants more proof than that... and so, he engages his microscopic vision to see if the oxygen is getting ready to "pop". Everything looks normal to him... and, ya know... this isn't the first time Vartox has said something crazy. Speaking of crazy, Vartox then headbutts Superman... and a fight is on.
The pair of supers struggle for a bit, before Vart nails Superman with a "hyper-brain blast"... which drops him like a stone.
As he comes to, he sees Vartox... however, he's dressed as Jor-El! Vart-El is trying to convince some Kryptonian manikins that the planet is doomed. Superman kinda looses his stuff over this.
In fact, his reaction is far more extreme than Vartox ever imagined it would be! Superman lashes out before bursting out a wall. Luckily, once outside, he engages his microscopic vision again. Wouldn'tcha know it, the oxygen outside the Fortress is gettin' poppy! Vartox was right all along!
So, why was the air inside the Fortress safe? Well, you remember Vartox's adorable little lunch pail full of radioactive Valeronite rocks, right? Looks like those were the ticket to neutralizing the threat! And so, Superman and Vartox head to the Sombrero Hat Galaxy to scoop up great big bits of the doomed planet... which they can pulverize inside of Earth's atmosphere... and save the day!
We wrap up back in Metropolis, atop the Galaxy Building... where Vartox says his final (yeah right) farewells to Lana Lang. She is shaken, but understands why he must go.
--
Man... this dude.
By now, we probably don't need to recount just how sad'a sack this poor fella is... suffice it to say, the poor jamoke just can't catch a break. Even after saving the Earth (that he'd inadvertently endangered in the first place) he exiles himself to space in order to find a planet that needs him. If you've been following this blog, you already know how this ends up.
For the most part, I dug this issue... suitably silly, love the use of the Kryptonian manikins... that always tickles me, both for the fact that these things exist in the first place... and how they actually trigger painful memories for Superman. Why even have them if they might cause you to lash out?! Hell, why even have them at all?! That's just weird!
Not to go all "suspension of disbelief" on ya, but... I mean... let's discuss that scene. While Superman and Vartox fly toward the Fortress, they come across a jet looking to "peacefully end" an entire bustling Eurasian city via a gas-bomb. You really gotta figure there's more than one jet out there doing this, right? Like, sure, Superman and Vartox saved this one city... but, what about all the others? Surely, more than one government gave this idea the ol' "thumbs up", right? Maybe I'm... yeah, I'm definitely over-thinking it.
Thought it sorta made sense that "Vernon" came clean to Lana Lang... after all, Vartox never had a secret identity back on Valeron, so he's not used to the whole dual-persona thing. Also, he really seems to dig our green-eyed Lana... so, why not? Letting her "in" facilitates future stories... which won't be predicated on Three's Company-esque misunderstandings and bumbling to protect the Vernon O'Valeron identity. I mean, we've already got our fill with the Clark Kent/Superman struggle during the Bronze Age/pre-Crisis.
Overall, a pretty good issue... a bit convenient, but, that's to be expected. Worth a look if you come across it. If you're interested, you can do some Vartox Week "extra credit" and check out his next appearance (which we've already discussed, right here) before coming back tomorrow for the conclusion to that story. Vartox Week rolls on!
--
Letters Page:
--
Interesting Ads:
920
