Superman #392 (1984)

Superman #392 (February, 1984)
"If a Body Meets a Body..."
Writers - Cary Bates & Elliot S! Maggin
Pencils - Curt Swan
Inks - Dave Hunt
Letters - Milt Snapinn
Colors - Tony Tollin
Editor - Julius Schwartz
Cover Price: $0.75

Today is going to be bittersweet... for this is (for our purposes) Vartox's final pre-Crisis appearance!  This really is the end of an era for our Mustachioed Lothario.

Down below our synopsis, I'll include some more bits and bobs that'll thrust us right into the post-Crisis DC Universe.

Hope you're all enjoying this never-ending Vartox Week as much as I am!

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We open with Clark delivering another solo news report., and the top story is... his missing co-anchor!  Following the broadcast, Clark slinks off to "supe up" and continue his search... only to find the holo-head of Vartox watched him change his duds!  Var even goes so far as to vaporize Superman's civvies!  It's clear at this point that Superman is getting close to his wits end... even threatening to splatter Vartox's addled head all over the countryside!

Elsewhere, the creepy stalker rents a boat... for a one-way trip.  Without the woman of his dreams within reach, poor weirdo sees no reason to go on.  He rows out a ways before dropping a message in a bottle.  We also learn that his name is Wallace Gurkheim... which doesn't appear to be an anagram for anything.

Meanwhile in an ancient Incan temple, Vartox holds Lana Lang hostage.  He gets all creepy with her, stroking her hair and whatnot.  It's here that Lana notices Vartox's shadow... instead of being, well, Vartox-shaped... it's shaped like a blob!

Finally... we get the secret origin of Srakka!  What follows is several pages of a blob taking over various humanoid life-forms.  It usually goes something like... Srakka wrecks a bunch of havoc on a planet... until that planet's champion arrives... then Srakka takes possession of that champion.  Lather, rinse, repeat... he's currently possessing Vartox, and is looking to finally possess Superman.  Oh, also... Srakka might've destroyed Tynola.

Back on Earth, the creepy stalker's tiny rowboat floats into the path of a large cruise liner.  The liner makes short work of the dingy, crushing and capsizing it without missing a beat.  Then... then... uh, then... the creepy stalker's glowing body flies out of the drink?  Say what now?

We shift scenes over to the Fortress of Solitude, where Superman is tinkering with a means to track Vartox via his vibrational frequency.  He's interrupted by the arrival of... the creepy stalker?!  A creepy stalker who promises that Superman knows him better than he realizes!

Just then, Vartox transmits a challenge to Superman via satellite.  Either they meet in battle, or Superman forfeits the Earth to him.

And so, Superman heads down Incan way... and arrives to the temple just as Lana Lang is about to be dipped in boiling acid!

Before he can make the rescue, Vartox attacks!  The super-hyper duo duke it out for a bit... while, the creepy stalker phases through the temple wall to save Ms. Lang... or to grab a peek at her drawers, as they're totally visible right now.

Superman and Vartox continue scrappin', with the latter finally firing a hyper-blast into the temple... which, if not for the creepy stalker, would have definitely killed Lana!  Superman ain't diggin' this one bit... and even goes so far as to threaten to kill Vartox!  Man, don't they know that Mark Waid might've been reading this?  What would he say?

Just then... Srakka the blob vacates Vartox's body, and attempts to plunge into Superman's chest.  Ahh, not so fast kemoblobby... Superman grabs the crud... and zips out to Pluto to drop it into a deep-freeze.

Back on Earth it's revealed that, the creepy stalker is... actually Vartox?  That, uh, kinda makes it worse, doesn't it?  Now we know that Vartox has a Lana Lang love doll?  Or... did he not inhabit the body until after Wallace Gurkheim was already slippin' through Stalkertown?  So many questions... which will go unanswered.

We wrap up with Superman returning... and he and his pal promising to not only be friends... but Friends Forever!  Since this is, for all intents and purposes, Vartox's final pre-Crisis appearance... I suppose we can say they both held up their ends of the bargain there!

--

Okay... that was weird, right?

I'm having one helluva time wrapping my head around how and when Vartox entered the body of creepy stalker Wallace Whatshisface.  Any way you look at it... it's kinda disturbing!

Let's say Vartox inhabited the body of an already stalkeriffic Wally... Wouldn't Vartox think it a bit odd (and troubling) that this fella is walking the same streets as his beloved Lana?  I mean, dude's got a Lana Love Doll.  He really shouldn't be allowed within 100 yards of Ms. Lang (or any human, honestly)... and now Lana's going to get him a gig with WGBS?  Like in the same building as her?  Same elevators?  Same bathrooms?  Eeeesh.

Let's flip that coin, and suggest that Wallace wasn't already a stalker-creep until Vartox took over.  What does that say about Var?  I mean, dude was making out with his television set!  Also... c'mon... he's got a Lana Love Doll for cryin' out loud!  I feel like that can't be stressed enough here!

Let's say everything goes back to normal... I mean, that doll is still in Wally's house!  Those clippings are still up on the wall of Wally's house!  Unless he disposed of everything before his sorta-suicide attempt?  I dunno... I'm definitely thinking too hard about this... but, just can't shake the creepiness!

That's really the story of this issue... I mean, the Srakka stuff kinda took care of itself.  Superman dropped the blob into a deep-freeze on Pluto... which is as good (and final) result as we need.

Speaking of final... that kinda does it for Vartox's pre-Crisis exploits!  Technically, he does appear in Action Comics #583 (September, 1986), "Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow?, Part Two".  He shows up in two panels... and doesn't even get a line.  In the spirit of completionism, here are those two panels:

From Action Comics #583 (September, 1986)
Alan Moore (w) / Curt Swan (a)

Worth noting, he's cradling Lana in his absolute-final pre-Crisis appearance.  Which works for me!  For the purposes of Vartox Week... I don't think we need to cover that story.  Also, I'm planning on taking a look at "Whatever Happened to..." in depth as we draw closer to our 1000th post.

Also, once more in the spirit of completionism... Vartox's Who's Who entry (Who's Who: The Definitive Directory of the DC Universe XXV - March, 1987):

Who's Who: The Definitive Directory of the DC Universe XXV (March, 1987)
Curt Swan / Brett Breeding (a)

Worth noting, Vartox's history only goes as far as Superman #375 (1982)... and ends with him leaving Earth never to be seen again.  So... did this most recent three-parter not happen?!  Well, that's a bummer!  Maybe, like me, they couldn't reconcile the creepy stalker aspects of the story either!

Overall... even though (according to Who's Who) this never happened, I'd still recommend checking it out!  It's silly... and totally weird, but a lot of fun.  This ends the pre-Crisis portion of Vartox Week... come back tomorrow when we'll enter a whole new world!

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Superman #391 (1984)

Superman #391 (January, 1984)
"Who Stole the Newswoman of the Year!"
Writers - Cary Bates & Elliot S! Maggin
Pencils - Curt Swan
Inks - Dave Hunt
Letters - Ben Oda
Colors - Tony Tollin
Editor - Julius Schwartz
Cover Price: $0.75

Happy Left-Hander's Day (those who celebrate)!  I am, in fact, a left-hander... though you could probably tell that from all of the digital ink and lead I smear across this blog.

If you're a lefty... have a great one!  Try and curse a little bit less today while you're using all of those items in your house that were clearly made for people of the other paw-persuasion!

Ya know who most likely ain't a lefty?  Vartox.

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Picking up right where we left off last issue, Lana and Clark are at the TVA Banquet... and the former has just been called up to the podium to accept her 1984 Newsperson of the Year Award!  Just then, Vartox storms in... causes a scene, and hoists Clark Kent over his head.  He refers to him as "Superman", however Clark's uh, "super-suction" saw to it that nobody heard it!  Worth noting that the entire crowd did hear Vartox mention a "pot-bellied Kryptonian harlequin" (a great go-to insult if ever I heard one) though.

Var then strikes that "Al Bundy" pose and hurls Clark through the window just as the police arrive... something the main man finds rather amusing.

As he "plummets" Clark finagles his way into being rolled up in the TVA banner with "body English"... ya know, as to explain why he won't wind up street pizza.  The banner will wind up landing in a tree.  Inside, after dealing with the officers, Vartox storms the stage.

He hoists Lana aloft... and the pair vanish just as Superman arrives!

Unexpectedly, Vartox has left a parting shot at the TVA Banquet... in the form of an ever-expanding star full of photon energy!  Superman grabs it... but it continues to grow and grow.  He winds up taking it into space and depositing it there.  He returns to the tree where the Clark Kent banner burrito would be discovered just in the nick of time.

We shift scenes to Lana's creepy stalker.  He's watching the WGBS Evening News... and is surprised (and annoyed) to see Clark Kent going solo.  When it's reported that Lana has been kidnapped by her former fiance Vartox... the stalker hurls a pillow at the set.

He then heads into the next room over, where we find... Lana Lang?!  Okay, it's very clearly a dummy.

Later on, Clark dines with Lois, Jimmy, and some dude who asked for "the Jericho" at the salon earlier that day.  Lois is going on about how for Superman to allow Lana to be taken, he's surely "lost a step".  This triggers some introspection for Clark... could it be, Lois is right?!

Back with Vartox, he's headed to the Fortress of Solitude so he can fully study Superman... his history, his powers, all that jazz.  Ya know, stuff we were pretty sure he'd already know!

After filling his head full of knowledge, he returns to the... uh, active volcano where he left Lana Lang.  Good thing he does too!  Lana's just about to take her final dip in the molten drink!  It's here that Lana notices that Vartox isn't just acting erratically and begins to smell a rat.

Back to the creep.  He's reading a newspaper from his vast collection of newspapers... one with the headline reading "Vartox-Lana Lang Marriage Off".  He wonders how he might measure up against Vartox... then kisses his Lana dummy and leaves the room.  Um, that right there pal... if you really wanna pursue Lana, you might wanna deep-six the love-doll.

The next morning, the creepy stalker walks past a bank... head full of thoughts and dreams of besting Vartox and claiming Lana.  He doesn't even realize that the bank is currently being robbed!  What's more, he doesn't even realize that he's walked into the path of the getaway car!

Lucky for him... despite what one Lois Lane might think, Superman hasn't actually "lost a step".

Then, the creepy stalker, whose life Superman just saved... lays into him for not rescuing Lana Lang!  He just goes on and on... with even Superman realizing what a knob this dude is.

Back at the volcano, Lana continues to yell at Vartox... when he begins to vanish!  She assumes it's a brand new (hyper) power, and sarcastically congratulates him.  Then, by the odd way Vartox continues to refer to himself, she deduces that... this probably ain't Vartox at all!

We shift scenes to Superman's arrival at the Fortress of Solitude.  He finds the mess Vartox had made there... and uses his x-ray vision to scan the damage.  He finds a pattern amid the carnage and discovers that Vartox had been busy trying to learn everything he could about the Pot-Bellied Kryptonian Harlequin.  This strikes him as odd... because, ya know... by this point, Superman and Vartox are old pals... and Vartox really ought to already know all of this stuff!

Later still, an alien Law Enforcement Agent from the Sixth Western Cluster Precinct arrives on Earth.  He is greeted by Superman, and after showing his credentials, begins to explain that a dangerous Dybbuk alien known as Srakka has broken out of confinement and has fled toward Earth.

The Agent (Goopel) then informs Superman that Srakka can take possession of super-humans... and I'll give ya three guesses who he's believed to have taken over!  "Superman" then shifts into his Vartox form... and lunges for the agent!

And fries him!  Knowing that the Vartox "husk" won't last much longer... Srakka-tox heads off in search of a new host... Superman!

--

Welp... I really gotta quit it with the "hot takes" because I'm not sure I could've called this one more wrong if I tried!  I suppose I'm prone to overthinking things... and neglectful that so often these stories (especially of an earlier vintage) normally resort to what we might call Comics Occam's Razor.  That's not a term I use often... as most times I see it online, it's being used by someone who wants to appear more intelligent than they are.  It's like the "Schrodinger's Cat" and "Schadenfreude" of the 2010's!

But... there's really no other way I can describe this one.  It turned out to be the simplest solution... with a comic book twist.  It was Clark at the banquet... it was "Vartox" storming in... there were no callbacks to once-mentioned "hyper-powers".  It's just a possession story.  Now, that's not a bad thing... it's just (clearly) not what I was expecting.

For what it is... it's not half bad.  I appreciate both Superman and Lana having to peel back the layers of Srakka's "cover"... noting mannerisms, behaviors, and even vocal tics as a means of deducing that this fella likely ain't the same Vartox they (and we) know and love.

The creepy stalker scenes were... well, just that... creepy.  We saw dude's shrine to Lana last issue... and now we come to find that he has a life-size doll of her... that he speaks to... and kisses... and Lord knows what else!  I'm going to assume that he was the "Clark Kent" who got the boot from the TVA Banquet last issue.

What I wasn't so keen on... and this is no fault of the story, just my own personal preference, stemming from where my fandom began... Lois being so quick to dismiss Superman as either having "lost a step" or just "getting bored" in his role.  That really doesn't sound like Lois to me.  This late-Bronze Age Lois is a toughie for me... she's so disconnected and aloof.  I haven't seen any of the Superman films, I can only wonder/assume this might be a take on that?

Overall... I'm not as compelled as I was yesterday, but I'm still really digging this.  Definitely worth a look... and a bin-dive.

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Superman #390 (1983)

Superman #390 (December, 1983)
"Lost on a Comet!"
Plot - Cary Bates
Words - Elliot S! Maggin
Pencils - Curt Swan
Inks - Dave Hunt
Letters - Milt Snapinn
Colors - Tony Tollin
Editor - Julius Schwartz
Cover Price: $0.75

Vartox Week creeps ever closer to the tail end of the pre-Crisis era.  Clark and Lana are currently a couple... gotta wonder what the Man of the Hour thinks about all'a that!

Let's find out together!

--

We open with... Vartox, who looks to have gotten himself some Tynolan hair-plugs since last we had the pleasure!  He is slumbering in the head of a comet... which just so happens to be heading directly for a transport craft!  There is a massive collision which finally manages to rouse Var from his slumber.

Seeing the horrible damage he did... and realizing that the ship is full of living creatures, Vartox snaps into action and uses his awesome hyper-powers (which are now just being called "super" powers for whatever reason), seals the hole he made in the craft.

Meanwhile in Metropolis, we visit with Clark Kent and Lana Lang... since our last walk through Vartox-ville, some things have changed... for instance, Lana and Clark are now dating!  Clark gets beeped by Perry White, and heads off to use the phone.

No sooner does Clark head inside that a purple-clad prowler crawls into the scene!  He claims that he's not there to hurt Lana... he just wants... uh, something.  He doesn't get to explain, ya see... Lana manages to kick the creep right over the balcony!  At that moment, Clark rushes off to do super-things, per the call from Perry.  The Prowler is able to land on a balcony below, and busts through an old lady's apartment.  Worth noting, he is exceptionally polite during this ordeal.

Back with Superman... it's suddenly daytime!  Well, the sky is yellow... so I can only assume it is.  Could'a sworn it was evening... unless Lana and Clark were having morning cocktails... and the Prowler was scaling the building in broad daylight... ehh, who knows?  Anyhoo, Superman arrives at a construction site (his second favorite place to be!) just as a crane begins to fall.  Before he can catch it, however, it is turned into molten slag.  Superman is able to wrangle it all up before it hits the ground... then looks skyward to see what might've been responsible... I'll give ya three guesses.

Elsewhere... we get a strange (and unexpected) scene.  It's the ramshackle home of, uh... a really big Lana Lang fan.  Like, really big.  Okay, okay... it's almost certainly a stalker.  Dude kisses the television screen when Lana's delivering the news... his room is covered with pictures of her... and Clark.  This dude seems like bad news.

Shifting over to Superman and Vartox... the latter tells the former everything that has gone done (minus how he managed to reverse his male-pattern baldness).  In fairness though, it seems like, since his comet-ride, Vartox has a bit of (selective) amnesia.  During their chat, the pair of heroes manage to save a few skiers from an avalanche, giving us a nice background to the exposition dump.  

Oh, and perhaps most importantly... this happens.

Speakin'a her, back in Metropolis, Lana Lang receives a box of chocolates... only, it's not chocolates.  When she opens the box, a heart-shaped balloon inflates.  It also includes a note from her "secret admirer".  Jimmy appears to be kinda tickled by all this.

Superman and Vartox arrive at the Fortress of Solitude... and talk about, ya know "missed opportunities".  Vartox is bummed, but understands that Lana moved on.  They shake hands over the uncomfortable situation, but then... Vartox backhands Superman!  A fight is on... punctuated by Var employing Blanka's rolling attack from Street Fighter II (hell, probably all the other Street Fighter games too)!

Then... Vartox heats up his hands, and blasts Superman into cinder!

Only... not so much.  This was just a delusion in ol' Vartox's head.  Still crazy after all these months!  Anyhoo, they part company (Clark has to attend the TVA Broadcast Journalism Banquet with Lana).  Vartox falls to his knees... lamenting his (ongoing) mental instability.

Later, at the Banquet... a shadowy man informs a security guard that he is... Clark Kent.  Only thing is, Clark's already checked in!  The guard gives chase... and hurls the impostor out of the building.

We wrap up with yet another uninvited arrival... Vartox!  And he's got no time for a simple security guard.

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Another Vartox story... another brush with psychopathy.  Dude's surely losin' it, right?

Let's do some "Chris' hot take" here.  If I were a betting man (which I'm not... I am a "guessing man" though)... I'd guess that the Clark Kent inside the Banquet is the impostor, and the real deal was the one who got chucked out of the building.

From what we know of Vartox... he does have a "hyper-body", right?  Could it be that the Prowler/Stalker/Creep is actually Vartox's hyper-body?  Could his appearing as Clark Kent (if the first part of my "hot take" is right) be the result of a "hyper-hypnotic illusion"?  See, we've read all the pre-reqs... we might be ahead of the game here!  I'm almost proud of us!  Keeping in mind, my last "hot take" was completely off the mark.  Maybe this one will fare better.

Let's talk about a few key points from the issue.  The Stalker scene managed to be both horrifyingly creepy... and also, sorta humorous!  Dude kissing Lana (via television set) then freaking out when it switched to a chicken commercial... that's sorta funny, right?  The Prowler (assuming it's the same guy?) being all polite to the old lady while he was stomping through her pad... also, kinda funny.  Jimmy not being completely skeeved out by Lana's secret admirer?  Sorta funny... but also, a bit tragic due to Jimmy's sheer stupidity.

Probably the biggest bit from this issue though... Vartox's hairline!  I wonder if they just chucked the whole Connery-connection at this point... or, if they just wanted him to look a bit younger.  Either way, I gotta say... it's a better look for him!

Overall... I'm intrigued!  Vartox slipping in and out of vengeful madness is certainly getting a bit old, but... I guess that's just his character at this point.  Still though, it feels quite a bit fresher than the last time.  The added element of the Clark/Lana romance raises the stakes... and, I'm actually a bit excited to see how this one plays out.  Worth checking out... but, since DC won't make any of these pre-Crisis Vartox stories available digitally... you're going to be digging through the trenches for it!

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