Chris and Reggie's Cosmic Treadmill, Episode 82: Jim Nastics #1 (1984)

Chris and Reggie's Cosmic Treadmill, Episode #82

Jim Nastics #1 (October, 1984)
by Bill Mitchell & Alan Larsen
Redstone Productions
Cover Price: $1.50

I finally managed to get out of the house yesterday... and go to a place that wasn't a Walmart or a grocery store.  It was the first time I'd ventured out to a comic shop since the world went wonky a few months back.  Rather than listen to the radio (especially since Sirius XM is taking their sweet time putting Yacht Rock Radio back on car audio!), I decided it was probably time for me to actually revisit an old episode of Chris and Reggie's Cosmic Treadmill.

I haven't been able to listen to any of our work... outside of dipping in a bit on some of the Patreon exclusives to ensure they were decent enough to move to the regular feed, so this kind of a big deal to me.  I decided to just pick an episode at random, spanning our near 150 episode library... and, as luck would have it... this was the episode that started to play.

This was a special episode... though, honestly, I'd be hard-pressed to think of one that wasn't.  This one was special for a few reasons.  First, this was a book nobody had heard of, and one we knew wouldn't likely get all that much reach online (which is to say, most of the "community" wouldn't give a rip about this one, which of course, isn't to say they ever did normally)... and very unpodcasthosty, we didn't care.  This was a 100% "for fun" episode, which, honestly... is the best kind.

Also, this was a book Reggie couldn't get his hands on.  He went to a few of his local shops looking for it... and, nobody had even heard of it.  Even on eBay, he couldn't find this issue!  That speaks to both the glut of 1980's black and white comics, and to just how lost in the shuffle something like Jim Nastics would be.  This was the first time I had to actually upload the entire issue online just so Reggie could read it!  This added to the feeling that we would be dealing with the "great unknown"... a book that, when the episode dropped on that Sunday morning, folks' first thought might be "What in the--?"...

And, well... "What in the--?" indeed.  Jim Nastics #1 was a wild ride!

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Here are the first six pages from this instant classic to give you a taste (click the image to embiggen)... including a hot, steamy, Jim Nastics shower scene... maybe I should mark this NSFW?!

This issue actually had two stories... In between them were "Intermission Pin-Ups":

They even left room for a Letters Page... which, really speaks to the earnestness of this project.  Mitchell and Larsen really believed in Jim Nastics... which, at the end of the day, makes me feel like a horrible human being for mocking it!

Now, here's the thing about Jim Nastics... as a new property, this was revealed at a certain small northeastern comic book convention... the very same day as another 1980's black and white independent comic book property... that you might've heard of.  I'll just let Bill Mitchell tell it (from his site): 

That's right... if not for those dang Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles stealing the spotlight, Jim Nastics could'a been a contendah!  That revelation was one of the times where Reggie and I both absolutely lost it on-air.  I added this bit to the script at the very last minute... I wanted it to be a surprise, and I wanted to see how he delivered it "fresh".  He didn't disappoint.  We both busted up... big time!

Another bit of specialness from this episode was the fact that we reached out to folks in the community beforehand (perhaps unconsciously as a way to mitigate the overall disinterest in this issue/episode), to ask what people's weirdest and/or greatest finds in the cheap-o bins were.  Ya see, every episode of Chris and Reggie's Cosmic Treadmill came with, what we called "a hook".  The segment following the discussion of the book, but before listener mail, wherein we'd kind of "link" what we were talking about to the larger comics' scene/history.  This "hook" was going to focus on, my home away from home, the cheap-o bins.  I'll conclude this piece by sharing some of the finds that were shared with us (I'd love to hear more about folks' finds if anyone might want to share in the comments!)

But first to put a pin in Jim Nastics... this episode wound up being farther reaching than we ever expected, in fact, Bill Mitchell, the co-creator of Mr. Nastics actually listened to the show, and sent us an email!

I want to both thank Mr. Mitchell for being a good sport... as well as apologize if anything we said might've been a bit too spicy or seem mean-spirited.  It was never our intention to be little jerks about anything!  We had more fun with this episode than most... and we very much appreciated the fact that Jim Nastics is something that exists.  I don't have any reason to believe there might be any hard-feelings, however, as Mr. Mitchell even shared the episode on his site!

Anyhoo, that's a little bit about one of our most bizarre episodes... and a little bit about Jim Nastics.  I encourage you all to check out the episode if you're interested.  It was a whole lot of fun... a very bittersweet revisit for me personally.

We'll wrap up today with... The Hook!

Finds from our Friends (both Bizarre and Bargain-Bin Gold!):

Michael Alan Carlyle from The Crapbox of Son of Cthulhu

(@SonofCthulhu)

Rabid Rachel #1

Click the cover for Mike's thoughts!

Jeremiah Jones-Goldstein (@bigox737) from the Comics Comics Comics Blog

Mantech Robot Warriors #1

Mickey and Goofy explore the Universe of Energy

Chris (@btoandbatbooks) from The Batman Universe's Bat-Books for Beginners and Batgirl to Oracle Podcasts

Fast Willie Jackson #5

The Hands of the Dragon

The New People

Gold Key Spotlight: Tom, Dick and Harriet

Meet The New People (1969, ABC-TV)!

Alex Martin (@martinalguy) who creates the cover-art for the Weird Science DC Comics Podcast

The Authority #1 (1999)

Luke Hollywood (@LJ_Hollywood)

Green Lantern (vol.3) #48 (first Kyle Rayner!)

Dallas Gipson (@RedGrassState)

Fear Agent Ashcan

Avengers #196 (first Taskmaster!)

Christopher Hyden (@hydenc89)

Batman, Incorporated (vol.2) #8 (Death of Damian Wayne)

Dan Schwent (@DanSchwent)

Creatures of the Id (first Frank Einstein/Madman)

Ryan (@CineCrisis) of the CineCrisis YouTube Channel

Archie and the History of Electronics (Radio Shack freebie)

The Life of Pope John Paul II #1 (Marvel Comics)

Professor Alan (@ProfessorAlan) of the Relatively Geeky Network and Quarter-Bin Podcast

Race Warrior 

Blackhawk #122

Chris (@CharltonHero) curator of Super-Blog Team-Up and proprietor of the Super-Hero Satellite

Giant-Size X-Men #1

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles #3

Dark Knight Returns #4

G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero #2

 

(@BTPBlog) from the Between the Pages Blog

A stack of early Lee/Kirby Fantastic Four, including #45 (first Inhumans) and #53 (second Black Panther)

Paul O'Conner (@LBoxGraveyard), writer of 4 Seconds from Thrillbent Comics and proprietor of Long Box Graveyard (currently holding a Super-Team March Madness Tournament you can vote on right now!)

He found... comics he'd written!

Clinton Robison (@CoffeeComicsBlg) from the Coffee and Comics Podcast

Sandman Mystery Theatre #13, signed by Matt Wagner!

Walt Kneeland (@waltkneeland) from Comic Reviews by Walt

Birds of Prey #8

The Screwtape Letters

G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero #155

Harbinger #1

Spectacular Spider-Man #263 (1998)

Spectacular Spider-Man #263 (November, 1998)
"The Final Chapter, Part 3: The Triumph of the Goblin!"
Writer - Howard Mackie
Pencils - Luke Ross
Inks - Al Milgrom
Colors - Mike Rockwitz
Letters - Richard Starkings & Comicraft/SH
Edits - Ralph Macchio
Chief - Bob Harras
Cover Price: $1.99

Now that there's one ugly cover.  I get the feeling that John Byrne might've been in a Rocky Horror state of mind when designing this Goblin, no?

Something I've wanted to mention, but didn't quite know how to shoe-horn it in... or even put it into words, I suppose... is how this attempt at a "fresh" take on Spider-Man feels instantly old and outdated.  It's like if you took a property and gave it to your grandparents to "pep" up.  It's like Byrne and Mackie drew their inspiration from the Stan Lee Spider-Man newspaper strip or something.  It just feels so behind the times, and it's covers like this that really drive that point home.

It's low-effort, it's low-hanging... and it's just plain ugly.  What non-Spider-Man reader would ever pick this one up off the rack?  This was 1998... Marvel Knights just kicked off (same cover month, in fact!), and felt like (mostly) a breath of fresh air... but Marvel's "flagship" book... stinks like mothballs and Werther's Originals.

--

Picking up right where we left off (well, maybe a few seconds later), Spider-Man is with a woman who looks a whole lot like Aunt May.  The Green Goblin has un-webbed himself, and is there to really lay into Spidey.  Aunt May is very confused, which I suppose stands to reason.  Norman backhands the broad, sending her right into Spider-Man's arms.  Our hero ain't buyin' that this is the real-deal Aunt May... after all, we're not too far from the Clone Saga that monopolized much of the 1990's.  Norman insists this isn't a gag... and suggests that Spider-Man take his Aunt home, and spend what time he has left with her... because, ya see... tonight, Spider-Man dies.

Spider-Man takes his leave, and heads over to the Baxter Building... or wherever the heck the Fantastic Four were holed up post-Heroes Return.  He asks Reed to give this old woman the once-over, to see if this truly is his dear Aunt May.  Without a sample of the real-deal-May's actual DNA, however, all Reed can confirm is that this woman is human.

Spidey's got an idea... and tells Reed he'll be back soon.  Reed tries to stop him, because there's this one teensy tiny detail he really ought to know, but Spider-Man ain't willing to wait around.

We follow our hero back to his and Mary Jane's house, where the latter is having a big fashion blowout or something.  Lotsa "absolutely fabulous" people are present... though, thankfully since this isn't a John Byrne script, none of them are actually saying "absolutely" nor "fabulous".

Emjay hears something in the attic, and heads up to check.  Naturally, it's Peter... and he's digging through some old junk.  Ya see, Aunt May was a lotta things, including a packrat... and so, he had a sneaking suspicion that the answer to his problems might be up here.  And, whattayaknow... it is!  Peter happens across an old science experiment he did in Junior High, where he collected some of May's DNA.  What luck!  He explains the sitch to Mary Jane, who... is dubious (and probably just wants to get back to her schmoozing and hob-nobbing).

We immediately shift back to Reed's lab, where he confirms that the old bitty is indeed May Parker.

Then, we move onto that teensy tiny detail Reed really wanted to share earlier.  Y'all ready for this?  Aunt May's got this "cylindrical object" implanted in the back of her brain... which, if not removed ASAP as possible, will kill her.  Reed wants to operate... but needs the a-okay from her next of kin.  Rather than unmasking, Spidey tells Reed that he'll contact her family.  We assume he just pops outside to the nearest payphone and calls Reed as Peter... but, we don't see it.

We follow Spider-Man to... Osborn Industries Corporate Headquarters, where he comes crashing into ol' Norman's office.  Norman starts mocking him straightaway.

Norman speaks of the Gathering of Five ritual (remember that?), and how it gave him the power of a god.  Spidey insists Osborn's gone insane... but, the baddie corrects him, claiming "Nah, this other guy got that gift..."  We'll put a pin in that for now.  Spider-Man asks what Norman's big plan is... to which, Osborn is more than happy to share.

Spider-Man is directed over to a big window overlooking a laboratory.  He explains that these scientists were responsible for the weirdness at the hunting lodge (that dumb stuff regarding the flora and fauna).  He also now has the "technology" to, well... make people melt down to their "component DNA structure" (which we already saw a few issues back).  Fans of the anime series Neon Genesis Evangelion might be familiar with the Human Instrumentality Project... this sorta feels something like that.  He demonstrates this before a shocked Spidey.

Ya see, Norman is planning to melt everyone down... and reshape the world in his own image.  Hmm... maybe Spider-Man's right, and Norman has gone insane?

They spend the next several pages fighting... and bantering.  Well, Norman's doing most of the talking.  He explains a lot here... so, let's get right into it.  He talks up his philanthropy... and how he's used several of the Osborn charities to distribute his "DNA Bombs"... which, oh yeah... is exactly the thing that was embedded into poor Aunt May's dottering dome.  What's more, while it's in her head, it's basically inert.  Only when it's exposed to air will it "activate".  Very "damned if ya do..." sorta situation, no?  In fact, it's her DNA Bomb that will start the chain-reaction in setting off all the DNA Bombs.

So, you might be asking... how in all hells is Aunt May actually still alive?  I mean, we all saw her die back in Amazing Spider-Man #400, right?  Well... here we go.  Ya see, Norman... who was retroactively made the mastermind of the entire Clone Saga (which was already in high-gear around the time of ASM #400)... kidnapped the real-deal Aunt May, and replaced her with an actress.  This actress, reportedly, spent years learning Aunt May's mannerisms and voice... and, what's more, Norman even filled her in on all of Peter's secrets... which is why they were able to have that touching final conversation atop the Empire State Building before she passed.  Ya get it?  This is one of those weird situations where... we don't have to necessarily like it, but it actually feels like Marvel is trying.  Nowadays they wouldn't expend the effort!

At this point, the book goes completely bat-stuff insane.  Well, insaner.  The Goblin drops Spider-Man in the middle of a crowded New York City street... and unmasks him!  The world now knows that Spider-Man is actually Peter Parker!

Norman ain't done yet, however... after the... uh, humiliation (?) of the unmasking... he kills Peter Parker!

We close out this issue (and the volume of the second longest tenured Spider-Man title) with... the death of Spider-Man.  How will we ever be able to walk this one back?!

--

So... we got a lot of information in this here issue, and very much to Howard Mackie's credit, most of it sorta-kinda makes sense?  I mean, it isn't perfect by any means, but... the answers we get, are satisfying in the sense that... it feels like they actually tried.  How did Aunt May come back to life?  Why, she never died in the first place... that was an actress!  How did Norman's hunting lodge "come alive"?  Well, ya see... this room full'a nerds saw to that... now watch them die!

Again, it isn't perfect... and, honestly, it's not even any fun to read... but, I can't say that Mackie isn't trying here.  Perhaps it's only with the couple-decades of hindsight... where the "hot writers" of "current year" don't put in any effort to make their stories or character motivations make any sense, but I appreciated the attempt at making everything "fit" here.

Mackie and Byrne could've very easily said "None'a that ever happened"... and just picked up with Spider-Man as a swinging single, living with Aunt May, and snapping pics for Jonah while taking classes at ESU.  But, this happened back when Marvel Editorial still had some respect for continuity... so, instead, we get an actual "work-around".  A clunky-as-all-hell work-around, but a work-around nonetheless.  Kudos (I guess) for that.

Let's look at that cliffhanger.  Oof... how are they gonna walk that one back?  Welp, we'll find out tomorrow... I hope you're all prepared for a pretty massive disappointment.  I know I am!  I did like seeing Norman get his big win.  It really drove home his motivations, and illustrated just how personal this rivalry between he and Peter still is.  I will say, however, this Green Goblin design?  Uh, it... ain't got no alibi.  It's ugly.  U-G-L-Y.  Ross' pencils are pretty tight here throughout, but not even he could make this Goblin look good.

Next time, we'll wrap up the pre-boot... and close out this "final chapter" with Peter Parker: Spider-Man #98.

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(Don't call it a) Fold-Out:

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Letters Page:

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Peter Parker: Spider-Man #97 (1998)

Peter Parker: Spider-Man #97 (November, 1998)
"The Final Chapter, Part 2: Let the Heavens Tremble at the Power of the Goblin!"
Writer - Howard Mackie
Pencils - John Romita, Jr.
Inks - Scott Hanna
Letters - Richard Starkings & Comicraft/SH
Colors - Gregory Wright
Edits - Ralph Macchio
Chief - Bob Harras
Cover Price: $1.99

Oh boy.  Sometimes I just sit and stare at the "preramble" part of my screen... and wonder what's I can possibly say to "hype" what's to come.

Uh.  I got nothin'.  Please read on~!  We got Romita!

--

We open... somewhere, and there are a group of men helping Norman Osborn get into his "greens".  They're pretty star-struck and gobsmacked to be allowed to help him... and they inform him that Alison Mongrain did manage to contact the Parkers with her top secret information.  Norman doesn't seem too bothered, and takes his leave... not before pumpkin-bombing whatever the hell building they were holed up in.

We shift scenes over to Norman's hunting lodge in upstate New York.  There are signs that have been clumsily cut+paste to inform trespassers they would be prosecuted.  I wonder what these signs originally said... because, this is one sloppy-looking edit.  I guess that makes it fit in all the better with this storyline.

Once he breaches the perimeter, Spidey realizes that there's something weird about the environment here.  There's no wind... the flora seems to react to his presence.  It's... I didn't know that sort of technology existed... but, whattayagonnado?

We take a break from this, and hop over to the fashion studio of one Gianni Vermicelli.  Mary Jane is being fitted for a very stylish (ugly) gown, while chatting up her good pal Jill Stacy.  Hmm... I wonder if Jill Stacy is going to be forced down our throats when this volume officially "ticks over" to it's new #1?  Nahhh...

Back to Spidey, who's still swingin' through the windless skies.  He happens across... uhh, beasts?  Ya know, we just went through a cloak-and-dagger ritual, and somehow, this feels less "genuine Spider-Man" than that!  At least Mackie's banter isn't as forced nor as bad as Byrne's.

After dispatching the beasts, Spider-Man is met by our old friend Norman.  Spidey suggests he get out of his way, as nothing is going to stop him from getting his baby girl back.  Norman laughs... and we'll soon know why.  He also tosses Peter a book: the Osborn Journal.

Now, this is dumb.  Spidey flips through the journal, which details all of Norman's trespasses and misdeeds throughout the years.  Here's the thing though... the words in the journal suddenly change!  Ya see, Norman was hoping Spider-Man would find this book, and hand it over to the police.  The words change, to reveal that not only is Peter Parker Spider-Man, but that Peter poisoned his own Aunt May when she discovered his dual-identity.  Does this whole bit feel... I dunno, a little contrived?

Back to Emjay.  She's in the middle of a press conference at a posh eatery... and, she's lovin' life.  She actually stops for a moment to consider the possibility that baby May is still alive... and, eeesh, doesn't seem like she's all that pleased... she'd rather be modeling!  I've asked this before, but... ya think they're trying to make us readers dislike ol' Mary Jane?

Back to the fight.  Spider-Man breaks away, hot in pursuit of his baby girl.  Norman's all "yer kid's dead"... he swears he had nothing to do with it.  He says all this in between some raucous laughter, so it's not hard to see why Spidey doesn't quite believe him.

From here, we get a few pages of really good action!  A knock-down drag-out between Spidey and the Goblin, that under Romita's pencil, looks really darn good!  They bash their way into Norman's hunting lodge... and Spider-Man finally manages to down his foe.  While the Goblin lay, Spidey absolutely empties his web-cartridges upon him!

Spider-Man looks down a long hallway (this is a very large "lodge"), and walks down to a closed door.  He opens it, to find a darkened room... where he is clobbered over the head with a vase!

Y'all ready?  He shakes it off, and looks back to find... May.  Not, the May he expected... but the dottering old Aunt variety.  She is petrified of Spider-Man, which flies in the face of the revelation that she "knew" Peter's secret before her death (back in Amazing Spider-Man #400).  We'll talk more about the hows and whys of that as we move on... but this, dear reader, is where we leave off today.

--

Yesterday I expressed a bit of concern over how much "oomph" this May reveal might have lost over the past two decades... and, without a doubt, time has not been kind to this story.  In fact, it's aged like milk.  I mean, talk to the most passive Spider-fan you can find... everybody knows about Aunt May.  Comics characterwise, she's up there in the rarefied air with Lois Lane as notable "mainstream" cast members.

I feel like, if you were to hand this story over to a casual Spider-Fan (which would be incredibly mean of you... so, please don't), they would immediately assume the "May" in question was Pete's Aunt.  I'd bet most don't even realize that a) Aunt May died in the first place, and b) Peter and Mary Jane had a stillborn daughter, also named May.

So, really... all we got is trying to remember how we all felt, as regular Spider-Readers (those of us who were) when Aunt May was brought back.  I was in-and-out of the Spider-books throughout the 90's... only coming back "full-time" after the Clone Saga wrapped up.  I knew Aunt May had passed, and what's more, I knew what a powerful story her passing occurred in.  Poor J.M. DeMatteis, it seems like most of his excellent "final" stories just keep getting undone!

I feel like I was more bothered, not so much that Aunt May was back, but that it undid her "final" story.  If you've never read Amazing Spider-Man #400 (it's the one with the horrid gimmick cover that just looks like a gray slab), I'd definitely recommend you do so.  The final chat between Peter and May is an absolute masterpiece... over three-decades in the making.  You'll smile, you'll probably cry... it's a beautiful scene.  A rare-gem in the Clone Saga era.

Annnnnnd... it's undone here.

One thing we know about John Byrne as a creator, he's a huge fan of "back to basics" storytelling.  That's usually his "mission statement" upon taking over a property (not named Superman)... and that definition of "basics" is, uh, pretty nebulous and "Byrnian".  Since his fingerprints are all over this era of Spider-Man, it's hard not to consider that he's trying to bring Spidey "back to basics".  Aunt May, is part of that... perhaps the biggest part!  Also, let's make the readers resent Mary Jane... so we can massage Peter back into being a swingin' single (much more on that later)!

What else can we say about today's issue though?  Um, it was a fight scene... a very well drawn fight scene (thank goodness Romita, Jr. has arrived!), but still... a fight scene.  The Osborn Journal bit... oy... it was just a "loose thread" being tied off, but still... it was dumb.  The mutant dog-beasts, or whatever... and the strange reacting environment?  Also pretty dumb.  This whole confrontation feels like it should've been more, for lack of a better term, "gritty".  Ya know?  More personal, more down-n-dirty... rather than playing out with a strange supernatural backdrop.

The Mary Jane interludes... well, they served a purpose, I suppose.  Emjay's got her path set... she's a model again, and she's loving it.  Hindsight, being what it is, tells us where this is leading (and ultimately, how little any of this actually mattered)... however, at the time, it felt as though the creators were trying to alienate us from her.  I came away from this feeling like she was betraying Peter and their plans for a family.  Maybe I was reading too much into it... or, maybe that's exactly how they wanted me to feel?

Overall... this still wasn't a great time, but it was worlds better than yesterday's chapter.  Whodathunk... if you were to ask me if I'd rather read Byrne or Mackie Spider-Man... and I'd have to say "Mackie"!  Craziness.  Up is down, right is wrong, dogs and cats livin' together...

Next: The final issue of the second-longest tenured Spider-title, Spectacular Spider-Man

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Letters Page:

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