X-Men Vignettes, Chapter One (1986)

 

X-Men Vignettes, Chapter One (1986)
Writer - Chris Claremont
Art - John Bolton
Letters - Tom Orzechowski
Colors - Glynis Oliver
Edits - Kavanagh, Nocenti, Shooter
From: Classic X-Men #1 (September, 1986)

What's this then?

Well, for me, this little aside is actually part-learning opportunity/part-future planning. Ya see, as The Essential X-Lapsed creeps ever closer to the Giant-Size/All-New, All-Different Era... I gotta start to make some concrete plans over how certain stories/bits of lore will be included and dealt with. If you're new to the X-Men, what I'm about to write might just be enlightening and novel -- if you're not, well... I hope I can explain this in as uncondescending a way as possible.

Classic X-Men (later X-Men Classic) was, well... just that, classic X-Men stories re-issued for an audience who may just have missed out on them the first time around. The series launched in 1986 (after a handful of random specials spotlighting the latter Roy Thomas run that hit around 1983 or so). If you were a new(er) reader in the mid-80s, who never got their mitts on a copy of Giant-Size, or the seminal Claremont works... well, this was your best opportunity to make right without breaking the (piggy) bank or saving up your school lunch money for a few weeks.

And ya know what? If that's all these issues were -- that'd been more than enough, right? You could catch up on and enjoy old Spidey's in Marvel Tales, you can catch up with some less-old, but certainly no-less-important X-Men in "Classix". But -- Marvel didn't stop there! Indeed, the first... err, sixty-somethin' (?) issues of Classic X-Men/X-Men Classics actually included all-new back-up stories (written by Chris Claremont himself) to add a little flavor, and potentially pave over some gaps in continuity.

That said, it might be something of a surprise to readers that -- for the longest time, I'd pass right on by the "Classix" when I'd see 'em in the cheap-o bins! "But, Chris..." you may ask, "I thought you were this self-appointed champion of comic book lore?" Well... yeah, um... ya know, I don't even have a response! Honestly, I've been doubling-down on my "Classix" hunting... all the while wondering quite WHY I never bothered to in the first place!

In fact, coming full-circle (in a way), I owe my newfound obsession with these books to the X-Lapsed project! If you've been listening (and, who am I kidding -- err, nope! Gonna remain positive here!), you'll likely know that the character of Lourdes Chantal made her return, aboooout a year or so ago? At least into the current-day lore -- it'd be several months until she actually "came back". Anyway, her first (and, to that point, only) appearance was in the back-up strip in Classic X-Men #7! This strip would be reprinted as part of Marauders #21 (the first part of The [2021] Hellfire Gala), which I did cover as part of an episode (click the pic below, if you'd like to check it out!).

Anyway, the realization that these back-ups might actually make for more than just some "supplemental reading" really lit a fire under me to... ya know, grab 'em all. And while I did have a smattering of 'em already -- I never made it a mission to fill in the holes in my collection, until then.

So, here's da t'ing -- The Essentials show is about to enter the final stages of the X-Men's Silver-Age Stint -- once we hit issue #66, we'll be following our Mutant Heroes through ALL (and, Lord help me, I mean ALL) of their guest-spots during the "reprint-era" -- then, eventually - Giant-Size and onward. Once there, we'll figure out how to jam these "Vignettes" into place -- whether they're just tacked on to the end of a show -- or, get their own supplemental episodes... I'm not quite sure. Good thing is, we've still got awhile to decide! If anybody has any thoughts, please don't hesitate to send 'em along!

Anyway, thanks for reading everybody and... oh, waitasec -- despite the fact that I've been typing away for an hour, we haven't actually talked about anything, have we? Alrighty, let's hurdle over the dashes and get this thing started...

--

From Giant-Size X-Men #1

Our story picks up... right after Giant-Size X-Men #1... which, I did manage to sneak onto the blog while it was still a "DC Only" sorta thing. If you recall, that story ended with the just rescued-Angel asking what in all worlds they were gonna do with THIRTEEN X-Men! Wow, imagine that, right? Anyway... that bit of dialogue is precisely where this one picks up. Professor X uses it to segue into... well, several pages of invading people's minds and reading their thoughts. Ya know, just bein' a mental pervert. He worries about how he'll mingle these groups together into a workable unit. He is... perhaps a bit TOO pleased when he finds out that Alex and Lorna plan to leave the mansion PDQ.

His mental probing then heads over to Cyclops, who is... as usual... all-business. In fact, he's even pushing away a highly-interested Jean Grey to attend to his post-Krakoan paperwork. Disappointed, but understanding, Jean leaves him to it. She claims she knows what he's feeling due to her telepathic powers. Listeners of The Essential X-Lapsed might remember that Professor X (somehow) "gave her" telepathic powers before he faked his own death. We'll come back to Ms. Grey's thirstiness in a bit. I think the Prof is just relieved to see that there might just be one less barrier between he and his formerly-statutory affection object.

Next stop: the Den. Here, we see Banshee ticklin' the ivories and Colossus working on a sketch. They share a bit of small-talk before Piotr is started by the sudden arrival of a certain Fuzzy Elf. This shock causes the big man to armor up, and ultimately tear his clothes up. In a neat bit, Pete worries about not having his mother here to mend his shirt. Ya know, coming into the X-Books when I did, I never had an appreciation for the youthful naivete of Colossus. He always seemed like a brooding adult to me... which made his romance with Call Me Kate seem... ya know, icky. Here though, Claremont is really playing up his youth... and I dig that!

From here... ooh boy, this is where the story gets a little bit odd. At least to me. So, we've got the trio of New X-Men discussing their futures in the hero biz, when they're interrupted by the arrival of -- Bobby Drake. Okay, well, Bobby lives there too... so, what's the big deal? Well -- to say that Bobby is P.O.ed by the presence of the newbies would be putting it lightly. He absolutely lashes out at 'em! He tells 'em that they're NOT X-Men... and more or less demands that they get the eff out.

Then, like the petulant teen-ager that he is, he stomps his feet and slams a door on his way out. The newbies kinda just bewilderedly look at each other to process the tantrum they just had dropped on 'em. We wrap up this scene with Kurt and Sean announcing their intentions to stay... and Piotr still not quite sure what his future holds.

We follow Iceman into the hallway, where Thunderbird is admiring some framed photos on the wall of the Original Five. Proudstar attempts to make nice to the steaming Drake... but, isn't exactly met with kindness in reply. In fact, Bobby asserts that John's an illiterate... who is in dire need of an icing up! Good grief, but Bobby's pissed!

From here, Xavier's pervy mind finds its way back to his unrequited passion, Ms. Jean Grey... who, like ya do, is somewhat seductively leaning up against a tree somewhere on the mansion's grounds. Here, she's approached by -- Wolverine. He's still just Wolverine here, by the way... we don't know any of his gaggle of names just yet. And, in case you're wondering - this is the scene that unwittingly launched us into the Cyclops/Wolverine/Jean love triangle... which (Lord help us) we're still dealing with to this very day.

Speaking of creepy romances... we shift scenes to the soarin' Storm, as she soliloquizes to herself in Claremontian. She is soon joined by a very... I wanted to say "eirie" (sp?) instead of "horny", but I haven't the foggiest idea how to actually spell "eirie" -- so, I'll just say "horny" Warren Worthington III. He's happy to have someone to share the skies with, and suggests that they seal the deal with a mid-air makeout sesh. Dude's comin' across like Dennis on It's Always Sunny...!

Anyway, before Warren can force himself on Ororo, he spies... from the corner of his eye... the Wolverine attempting to, uh, ya know -- do the same thing to Jean! And so, he divebombs the li'l Canucklehead and hurls him into a tree. Jean is appalled by this behavior... as, she actually seemed to appreciate getting some actual attention from a member of the opposite sex. Ya see, ol' Scotty's too busy brooding and blaming himself for everything in the world to pay her much mind. And, well... ya gotta get it from somewhere, no?

From here, Wolverine pulls himself up... and enters into, what we'll eventually refer to as a "Berzerker Rage". He swipes at Warren with his claws out... which, if you're familiar with the Claremont run, you'll know that Wolverine ALWAYS attacks with his claws out... even when he's play-fighting a buddy! Thankfully, Storm is still nearby... and with a burst of lightning manages to settle everybody's tea kettles.

Jean rushes over to the fallen Wolverine to make sure he's okay... to which, he tells her that he's bad news... he's a killer... and it'd be in her best interests to stay as far away from him as possible. Warren's all "preach on, little man", which doesn't win him any points with either of the lovely x-ladies in his presence.

So, Jean's left with a lot of stuff to process... and she ultimately decides to do so... far away from the Xavier School. She loves Scott... but has this odd attraction to the mysterious Wolverine. She reports into Charles... who, mind-perv that he is, already knows the decision she's come to. We close out with the two in embrace, saying goodbye (for now), but also hello to a new beginning.

--

Now, full disclosure... the first time I read any of these Classix back-ups was in the X-Men Vignettes trade... probably mid-2000s or so. And, one of the things that most stuck out to me then was... the art. Oh boy, did I NOT appreciate this art. In fact, I just plain disliked it! It felt too "loose", and not comicbooky enough for me -- but, in retrospect, that's exactly the reason why it works. One of the hallmarks of Claremont's X-Men was its tendency toward soap opera. Depending on your opinion, that could be a very good thing... or something you just tolerated, because you were mostly there to be treated to the art of Dave Cockrum, Paul Smith, Johns Byrne or Romita, Jr. anyway.

For me? I love the soap opera aspects... and, also love that the Claremontian "Method of writing team books" kinda infected the industry there for a while. The Wolfman/Perez New Teen Titans and Barr/Aparo's Batman and the Outsiders are some of my very favorite comics for just this reason. Those were books, with their own identities -- but, almost certainly drew a bit of inspiration from Claremont and his X-Men.

That said -- and the fact that these Vignettes will mostly feature these previously unseen quiet, character-focused tales -- John Bolton's less "comicbooky" art might just be the perfect fit. I most definitely have a much greater appreciation for it now than I did as a stupid early-twentysomething.

Now with the art discussion outta the way (for today), let's break down this "character-focused tale" a bit.

I wanna start with our focus-character: Professor X. At the time this issue hit, the actual Uncanny X-Men book was at around issue #209... by which point Xavier was outta the book for just shy of a year. It'd been a minute since Claremont wrote him, but I feel like his use here is equal parts fitting and (as much as I loathe the word) problematic. One thing I DO remember from the Vignettes trade is the care and attention Claremont paid to mindreading-without-consent. I'm pretty sure very early on there's a pretty intense scene between Jean and Storm about this very thing.

So here, Claremont is using the Professor's powers to kinda set the tone. We, as readers, feel more voyeuristic than usual... as we're actually seeing things we (probably) shouldn't. Xavier's worried about how these disparate teams of mutants will coexist... or, even IF they can. Granted, he doesn't seem all that worried about Vulcan and all 'em he sent first... err, nevermind - uh, I didn't say nuthin'!

So, Xavier's doing his mental perv thing -- which gives us all a glance into some candid moments among the groups. And, ethics aside, it does facilitate a fly-on-the-wall view on some very interesting scenes. So, let's talk about 'em!

Starting with Bobby Drake. Boy, this was kind of jarring, wunnit? I wasn't prepared for him to come across as such a petulant ass -- but, ya know... I can't hate the portrayal! As someone who might be a tad bit sensitive from time to time (as the poor souls who actually know me personally and have to deal with me one-on-one can attest), I'm no stranger to "flying off the handle" or lashing out, just like Bobby did. He mentions here that he's not yet of drinking age... and while, youngifying characters is a Claremontian "thing" (see Kitty Pryde post-Revolution), I think it works okay here.

This Vignette really allows us to see how these newbies were received by the "old guard". This wasn't entirely glossed over in the original early issues of Claremont's run... but, we certainly didn't get this deep a look. I think it definitely serves the overall X-Men lore by including these bits into the canon. Rather than just seeing tenured characters amicably leave the team... we're seeing here just how stressful this change really is to everybody involved. Replacing teams wholesale with new characters really wasn't done so much back then -- it stands to reason that, there are going to be some hard feelings... there's gonna be those emotions an only child might feel when their younger sibling is born. It's not always going to be the smoothest transition. I definitely dig that we're being allowed to see that here.

I think the other big takeaway here is... well, the one I've never really liked. It's the start of the Wolverine/Cyclops/Jean love-triangle. I get that it's important to X-History... and, regardless of what I think, is still relevant even today -- I've just never cared for it. After revisiting this story... well, I still don't.

Maybe it's the fact that Cyclops is "my guy". Maybe I see a bit of myself in ol' boring, stuffy Scott -- and I project a lotta that onto Wolverine making a move. I dunno... but, I've always been irked that Logan, a character we're all supposed to like -- pulled this dick move. Even Angel, upon seeing this go down, chooses to intervene. He's been on the losing end of a Jean and Scott love-triangle before, but even he seems to respect what it is that Scott and Jean have together.

I dunno... maybe we'll see more of this as we work our way thru the Vignettes... maybe I'll come around. Who knows? As for now, though -- I still can't get on board wit' any'a dat mess.

Overall, my misgivings about Logan/Jean aside, I really enjoyed my time with this. Some of the most special X-Men stories to me are these (relatively) quiet "evenings at home". These are the sort of stories that initially hooked me (though, those were more Lobdell-flavored) -- but, it's still these types of stories that truly showed me what comic books could be. Comics don't always need to be punchy-punchy... and our heroes don't always need to be perfect. At the risk of severely overselling it, stories like these are what transcend comics as a medium -- and turn two-dimensional characters into three-dimensional people.

Thank you for reading -- and, if this is your first toe-dip into the Vignettes, I hope you enjoyed and might come back for more -- or, check 'em out yourself. If you have Marvel Unlimited... well, then you've got these too!

Uncanny X-Men #401 (2002)

Uncanny X-Men #401 (January, 2002)
"Golden: A Silent Interlude"
Writer - Joe Casey
Pencils - Ron Garney
Inks - Mark Morales
Colors - Hi-Fi Design
Letters - Richard Starkings & Comicraft's Saida Temafonte
Edits - Powers, Franco, Quesada
Pres - Bill Jemas
Cover Price: $2.25

Hey yo

While I'm on a brief hiatus from X-Lapsed, I've decided to kinda-sorta go back to my "roots" as a fake-ass comics content creator... maybe rediscover my love for this process, and hopefully find some bliss in order to press on with the endeavor.

But, what to write about? Is there anything I can write about that... I dunno, might help to expand the world of X-Lapsed? That might help to back-up any outrageous claims I may have made on the air? Or, maybe something X'y... but from an era I haven't spent a lot of time talking to death just yet?

Well, howsabout... some of the above? Now, if you've been listening to the show... okay, okay... who am I kidding, of course you haven't been -- but, if'n ya were, you might recall that I recently covered a story that I referred to as being the WORST X-Men story I'd ever read. That story was... X-Men Green by Gerry Duggan, which appeared in something like 45 installments of Marvel's X-Men Unlimited Infinity Comic.

It was preachy, it was unfunny... I'm tellin' ya, it's up there among the worst X-Men comics ever put to (digital) paper. And, I mean, if you've followed this blog for any length of time (going back to when it actually WAS a blog and not just a repository for my audio links), you'll know that I try to veer away from hyperbole in my writing and editorializing. I try to ride the fence and give the benefit of the doubt more often than not... and, indeed I tried going that route with X-Men Green... until it beat me into submission.

Now, why am I saying any of this? And what does X-Men Green have to do with anything? Well, ever since covering it, I've been on something of a personal "quest"... fighting off my hyperbolic comments... trying to find WORSE stories in X-Men history.

And, for awhile, I was comin' up empty. That is, until I refreshed my memory on the book we're about to discuss today.

This issue, my friends... well, I'd say it "speaks for itself", but -- well, it's a NUFF SAID issue, so it kinda doesn't... and that's one of the bigger problems with it. Notice that I said "one of" the problems... because, boy howdy - it doesn't stop there.

Now, if you're newer to comics, or lapsed from comics, or have wisely selectively blocked NUFF SAID Month from your memory, I have spoken about it on the air during the Giant-Size X-Men: Jean Grey & Emma Frost episode of X-Lapsed... which I'd recently collected into a giant-size great big compilation episode of the X-Lapsed Triple-Dip. If you're interested in checking it out, click the pic below!

Now, with the shilling and stage-setting out of the way... howsabout I quit with the vampin' and make with the unfunny spoilin' of a twenty-year old (Jeez, where did my life go) book?

--

We open with our man, Sean Cassidy pourin' one out for the recently deceased Moira MacTaggert. Ooookay, if you're a current year X-Fan, this might require a bit of x-planation. I mean, Hickman did a good job making the Moira-ness of his story "fit" and "work", but if all's you know of Moira is that she's a mutant with the power to come back to life over and over again... resetting the timeline with each death -- well, this here is the fallout of her pre-HoXPoX "dead is dead" death. Sean Cassidy, Banshee, and she had an on-again/off-again romantic entanglement... and so, our man was hit pretty hard when she faked her death using a Shi'ar Golem or whatever the hell it was. We'll follow his breakdown throughout this issue... and also chat about what the original wardrobe for this breakdown was gonna be when we're thru! From here, we get our... ahem, Single-Page Spread of ROLL CALL and Cred (only three of the six characters featured actually appear)... which, kinda breaks the rules of the NUFF SAID! gimmick... but, I mean... who cares, right?

From here, we shift scenes over to, what the included script refers to as a "medieval-style castle", which... sure, why not? Here, we see the not-yet unmutanted Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch, joined by the new-look "movie-handsome" Toad... as they are approached by... umm, some dark-haired woman. Who dat? Well, we'll get there in a sec...

But first, whoever this is needs to (literally) swap spit with ol' Mortimer. Like... furreal... this is one sloppy wet kiss. Like, I could almost gag looking at it. Magneto then appears... and the gal is run through with a spear.

Buuuut, then we find out that... it was allllll an illllllllusion. Ya see, gang, this is Lady Mastermind... and she's been captured by... uh, some uniformed dudes? Okay, now if you were reading the X-Books back in ye' old 2002, you might be saying: "But Chris, you handsome idiot - I thought Lady Mastermind had blawnde hair... and she was just (as in the week before this book came out) in an issue of X-Treme X-Men." Now, if you were to say that... I'd respond with, "Wow, you've got a mighty impressive memory!" and I would also suggest that, with such care and respect for continuity across titles, that perhaps our current-year crew of X-Men Editors have figured out the secret of time-travel. And, oh by the way... these soldiers, believe it or not... are Jamie Madrox. Never mind that their faces don't look alike (and the fact that they just look like The Manhunters from DC)... just take my (and the included script's) word for it.

Anyway, we follow the Manhuntdroxes (the same ones? other ones? - who knows?) into a gas-cloud-filled hallway, where one of 'em... either shoots into an empty room or... no, that's exactly what it looks like he did. Anyway, this room is apparently where Mystique is... was... might be being held prisoner. It's nice of her captors to provide a name plate for her door (does that break the NUFF SAID! rule?)! That's captivity in style!

So, everybody havin' fun so far? No? Well... it's about to get even better/worse, because our next stop is Chappaqua -- ya know, that small city in New York where the Clintons bought a home so that Hillary could run for Senate in the state? That's... not an "outta nowhere" political comment, by the way -- one of the Clintons is about to show up in the book. And yeah, it's as dumb as it sounds. Dumber, in fact!

Okay, so... we're in Chappaqua... with Wolverine. He breaks into the Clinton home, where he finds the security detail all laying about with huge (satisfied) smiles on their faces... and (no joke) likely a desperate need for a change of drawers. I promise I'm not joking.

Because, ya see... Logan's on the trail of our newest X-Man... Stacy-X - who... um, broke into the Clinton compound with the express purpose of helping Bill bust a n... err, have an orga... hmm... uh, "sleep comfortably"? And, by the looks of it... she was successful. Thankfully, Garney isn't drawing with any semblance of hyper-realism... because, I mean... nevermind. Let's forget this happened. Actually... first, I'm gonna make you look at the panel... then, we can forget this happened.

You might be asking yourself... why in the bluest of hells did we need a scene like this? Well, the answer to that question is two-fold... sadly, neither of those folds make any sense. Ya see, this wasn't originally going to be Bill Clinton unwittingly getting his rocks off... the script originally called for this to be Stacy coaxing some fluids outta Rudy Giuliani (those pages of script aren't included in the issue... but, I've tracked 'em down - and I'll share 'em down below). But, well... this issue came out in December, 2001... just a couple months after the attacks... and so, Rudy was seen as "America's Mayor" at that point -- so, they changed it to Clinton. Now, you might be asking what that "other fold" of the two-fold x-planation might be... and, uh... honestly, so am I! Oh, hey, look - Stacy's here!

And, well... we get a fight scene... that just stops. Next we know, Wolverine and Stacy are hanging out watching TV. Okay then... that totally makes the Presidential spunk scene worthwhile, dunnit? Anyway, Nightcrawler BAMFs into the room, and gets in Stacy's face. Why? Who knows... and, well... I know I'm not the funniest dude in the world, but I can't even think of something UNfunny to say here.

Oh Lord, we're only halfway thru...

The scene continues to play out... Wolverine pulls Kurt aside and motions for Stacy to stay quiet. Why? Who knows! In any event, Nightcrawler appears to be okay with whatever it is Logan told him... and so, he leaves. Maybe he knew Bubba was pent up and needed a release? It can't be easy bein' Bill...

From here, we shift over to Operation: Dumbo Drop... where, the Blob is carried to the X-Corps HQ via helicopter. But, why? Again, who knows? I think the helicopters are being flown by Madroxes... but, honestly - I wouldn't bet a thin dime on it. Anyway, he arrives, and is led inside by a pair of unrecognizable fellows. Hey, at least we can tell who the Blob is, right? Apparently, these two Blob flankers are Avalanche and Radius. I'd wager that most X-Fans are at least somewhat familiar with Avalanche from his time as Pyro's pal in Freedom Force and what-not. But, Radius? Well, he's a bit of a deep-cut. Ya see, he's from Volume Two of Alpha Flight... which, to me, is still some of the finest Alpha Flight ever put to paper. Anyway, it was alluded to there that Radius was/is related to Unus the Untouchable. He's given the wrong hair color here, which I could only assume is a result of our colorist thinking he was supposed to be Banshee?

Speaking of Banshee, Ol' Dukes is led into his... office? Board Room? Dining Hall? Whatever it is, it's full of X-Men busts... and, Blob does NOT look happy to be there.

This, mercifully, takes us to our ending. Banshee bellows at the Blob, kayoing him... and, closes out by, uh, sinisterly smiling at the camera?

--

So.

That was Uncanny X-Men #401. What'dja all think? It's quite the issue, innit? Is it as horrid as X-Men Green? Well... yes and no. I mean, it's so tragic that I wouldn't be at all surprised if FEMA were called in to deal with it -- but, it's so batspit insane that it transcends being "just a bad comic".

I think to properly contextualize (at least to the best of my abilities) this issue, we need to look at exactly what was going on in the X-Men and the world back in mid-2001 (when I assume/hope this was written... for reasons we'll discuss in a bit). Marvel Comics was under the rule of Bill Jemas and Joe Quesada. I'm on record as saying that this was probably one of the more exciting times to be a comic book fan. Jemas and Quesada did a lot to bring Marvel back from the brink of bankruptcy... both financially and creatively. They were smart enough to leave good things alone (at least at the start), but also knew when a change of direction was needed for certain titles/franchises.

Case(y) in point, the X-Men. When Jemas and Quesada took over from Bob Harras, the X-Books were back under the purview and vision of Chris Claremont. This was... something of a misfire. It was an impossible position... to be honest, and I felt bad for Claremont almost immediately. He was basically tasked with competing with... himself. The Claremont of the 1980's was not who we got at the turn of the century. And, well, in hindsight, it was probably (read: definitely) unfair of the fandom to assume we would.

What we did get was... something different. Seemingly purposefully different... which, is, unfortunately, not what anybody wanted. The Claremont "Revolution" X-Men was this odd amalgam of "new" and "old". New concepts... that, weren't ever going to be properly fleshed out (Ruhmembuh the Neo?), with a writing style that was at least two-generations removed from sounding timely or "with it". The old Claremontisms of characters standing around and loudly introducing themselves at one another - "Face me, Villain - for I AM STORM!" or "My name, dear [bad guy] is Elisabeth Braddock - though, YOU may call me PSYLOCKE!" - it was cringingly bad stuff.

So, enter the new regime -- and an all-new take on our X-Men. Claremont would be shifted over to his own sandbox with X-Treme X-Men... where, some of our favorites could continue to loudly introduce themselves to each other, while (adjectiveless) X-Men was retitled New X-Men and given over to Grant Morrison, and Uncanny would wind up in the hands of Joe Casey.

Now, why am I spending so much time setting the stage? Well, a) I think it's necessary, and b) I'm almost certainly vamping so I don't have to give my deeper thoughts about this issue quite yet.

Since this IS Uncanny, let's talk Joe Casey's time on the book. Casey wasn't new to the X-Books, and in fact had (relatively) recently wrapped up a highly acclaimed run on Cable. Joe Casey (and Jose Ladronn)'s Cable was an absolute (and unexpected) highlight of the late-90's X-Books. Never before had Cable been so humanized and relatable. Casey was building the book up for its big Millennial payoff... and the "final" battle between Nathan and Apocalypse. That is, before Marvel nyoinked both the rug and story away, and gave us the abominable Twelve storyline. That reminds me, has anybody actually taken credit for writing Cable #75 yet? Eh, nevermind, that's a story for another day...

So, when Joe Casey was announced as taking over Uncanny... many of us were quite excited. The comics press of the day (read: Wizard) assumed that between Casey's Uncanny and Morrison's New, we were stood at the precipice of a new Golden Age for the X-Men... and, well... they were half-right.

It seemed like for the months leading up to the launch, we'd get barraged with interviews from the new X-Arbiters... and, while Grant always seemed to come across as being rather reserved about his plans - Casey was more "in your face" about how "evolutionary" and "envelope-pushing" his run was going to be. I'll just let him tell it...

"The book's about evolution. Aside from the actual storylines, the book itself should be the evolution of comics."

"This is what mainstream comics should be doing."

"When this stuff comes out... people are going to be imitating it for the next couple of years."

"It's our job to be completely ahead of the curve as much as we possibly can, to push every direction just as far as we can."

We... well, I can't speak for X-Fandom as a whole... hell, the current-year X-Fandom refuses to acknowledge I even exist! So, I can only speak for myself when I say - I was excited to see where Joe Casey would take the book.

And, well... then the books started to come out. And, while they weren't bad by any stretch (until this issue), they certainly weren't "evolutionary" or anything that was worthy of imitation. It was a fairly conservative book... especially when compared with its actually progressive, envelope-pushing, and genre-redefining Grant Morrison-penned sister-book.

The Casey run, up to this point, was... another take on the Mutant Massacre (this time in London!), Chamber entering into a romance with a pop-star (totally not the same thing as when Cannonball was getting with Lila Cheney), and... the Vanisher selling drugs? Okay. Like I said, not the worst ideas... but, falling just a hair (or entire toupee) short of expectations.

Looks like Joe was saving all his "worst ideas" for this issue. This was an issue whose story kind of preceded itself. Does that sentence make even an ounce of sense? Probably not... but, bear with me. If you know nothing else about this issue (which is to say, if you skipped my entire spoilery synopsis and hopped down here), you might still know about the controversy surrounding it's earliest teaser images. You'll probably have heard that Banshee and his X-Corps were adorned in Nazi-regalia... but, you may not have actually seen (or seen in awhile) those... problematic sketches.

Well, how y'all like these apples:

I tell ya what, it's probably been every bit of twenty years since I'd last seen that. In fact, I spent the better part of an hour trying to find it just now... I actually wound up finding it on, of all things, and ancient GEOCITIES page (ancient... Geocities, redundant much?). Anyway, I'd forgotten quite how "in your face"... and stupidly misguided it was. Sure, this was in days days of Web 1.0, and less in the way of fashionable social media outrage... but, even so -- this is a bit much, dontchathink? THIS was what "mainstream comics should be doing"? This is, what "comics will imitate for the next few years"? Welp, since that wasn't the case, I truly think we're in the right timeline.

Thankfully cooler (and wiser) heads prevailed... and we didn't get Nazi-Banshee. Lord knows he'd never be able to shake that stink off. It'd be like Hank Pym smackin' his wife or Speedy... well, doing smack! I just can't believe it was ever on the table in the first place... and actually got sketched up. I gotta wonder how the notes to the artist actually read. Did it just say "Make him a Nazi"... or "Nazi him up real good"? I couldn't imagine.

Speaking of bad ideas... let's move on to the most bewildering scene in the issue... and perhaps in the near-sixty years of X-Men comics... Stacy X bustin' Bill Clinton's... err, um... I apologize, that's disgusting. Stacy X providing relief to Bill Clinton. Now, I feel like I'm playing social media BINGO here... we've got Nazis, and here we have... I dunno, can we use the "r" word? I mean, I didn't see Bubba give his consent. I feel weird even discussing it... so, we'll just leave that bit there.

Howsabout we look at the proposed-Giuliani-ness of the script. Now, I mentioned in the synopsis that this was originally supposed to be, then New York City Mayor, Rudy Giuliani in the role of the unwitting orgasmer. I can only assume that the script was written pre-9/11 and changed after. Though, with Mr. Casey... he may've written this post-9/11, and was making an attempt at edginess by slighting "America's Mayor".

Below I will be including the pages of script that Marvel put in the back of the physical issue... which, unfortunately ends before the Bill Clinton scene. We would have to go to the prehistoric Marvel web-site for the remaining pages. Those pages, however, are long gone. After a bit of digging, however, I managed to find the pages in question. And, as if Joe Casey hasn't already made quite the twat of himself... let's check these out (bolded emphasis mine):

PAGE ELEVEN

TWO PANELS

Panel 1.

Inside the bedroom now. Candlelight causes eerie, flickering lighting. Angle on the door, carefully being pushed open by Wolverine, who is already taking a cautious step into the bedroom. He's already seeing something off-panel that puts a look of extreme disappointment on his face.

Panel 2.

Big panel on the page. Wolverine's POV, looking into the master bedroom of the mansion (so it's pretty big). Candles lit all over the room. Lots of shadows. Zooming in on the king-size bed, which is completely trashed. Drenched with sweat. Sheets wadded up at the foot of the bed, pillows ripped apart, feathers leaking out. There are night tables on either side of the bed (upon one is a beeper/pager that you might want to establish here). In the middle of the bed, completely laid out on his back, spread eagle like a sexual slave, is Rudolph Giuliani (since this is the silent issue, we can get away with this if we're smart about it... not naming him by name, try to get his likeness as close as possible. Those in the know should absolutely get the joke... the one or two X-Men readers who might be at all politically aware...). Giuliani is wearing only boxer shorts, a torn wife-beater T-shirt and his designer dress shoes. He's also wearing one of those "sleep blindfolds" that rich people sometimes wear (why, you might ask? Because even though we're not naming names, I've been told we need to be very careful with the Guliani likeness... thus, the blindfold partially hides his face). He's so whacked out, he doesn't even know where he is. He's got a dizzy smile on his face. Some serious sexual stuff has been going on in this bedroom...

PAGE TWELVE

FIVE PANELS

Panel 1.

Wolverine walks over to the bed, in the flickering candlelight. Giuliani doesn't even register his presence. Wolverine is looking down at the Mayor, disgusted.

Panel 2.

Small panel. Angle on the beeper/pager on the night table, which is now vibrating and lighting up.

Panel 3.

Another small panel. Wolverine's head whipping around as the beeper (off-panel here, obviously) gets his attention. The candlelight flickering on his face.

Panel 4.

The beeper in the foreground, at the bottom of the panel. Wolverine above it, looking down at it, reaching down with one hand to pick it up. The shadows of the room in the background behind him.

Panel 5.

Wide panel. Action shot. Wolverine (now holding the beeper) in the foreground, whirling around as Stacy X (wearing her skimpy X-uniform) leaps out of the shadows in a kung-fu style kick. She looks pissed off. Wolverine doesn't look surprised at all... he was waiting for her to make her move.

Okay, so - this confirms a couple of things. a) Rudy was the original orgasmer, and b) Joe Casey thinks very little of his audience! Now, I'll admit to being denser than most... hell, that's almost one of my catchphrases at this point... but, here's the thing: why in the world is this in an issue of X-Men? Did Joe Casey just really wanna make a comment about Rudy Giuliani's marriage falling apart while he was in office... and couldn't have jammed it into one of his more transgressive works? And if so... why keep the scene when Rudy was taken off the table?

Like, what did this prove... that we didn't already know about Stacy-X? We know she's an orgasm-facilitator... we know she worked at a Mutant Brothel... was this scene necessary? I mean, I'm no prude or nothin', but this just comes across as high school-level "comedy". Like, was there a single soul who saw this scene, and even... I dunno, smirked? Half-smiled? Did one of those "inhale-snort" laughs to themselves? Doubt it. It was stupid... it was immature... and, all it did was make it so the Chuck Austen run that followed could be viewed more favorably in retrospect... and, that my friends, is unforgiveable.

I suppose the fact that I've been writing and researching this piece since 5:30am (it's currently about 10:30), tells me that... well, I've been writing and researching this piece for about four hours too many. Wow, sure said a lot of words about a book with NO WORDS in it! And, hell... I'm not even gonna waste your time going into the Lady Mastermind boner!

Anyway, I'll wrap it up here -- and thank you all for reading. Here's some "Not the Letters Page" back-matter...

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(Not the) Letters Page:

Look & Find X-Men (1992)

Look & Find X-Men (1992)
Script - Dwight Zimmerman
Illustrator - James Janes
Inks - Dave Simons
Colors - Janice Porter & Michele Marrero-DeCicco
Edits - HA!
Cover Price: ???
Publications International, Ltd.

So, what in Moira's name is all this then?

Welp, I was walking around the ol' used records store this weekend, while my wife was checking out their selection of Funko Pops -- when I wandered over to the comics area. I'm always up for a dip into the junk bins... if you've been following along with me for all these years, that's certainly no surprise. So anyway, I was digging around for some cheap issues of Classic X-Men/X-Men Classic (I did find issue #77, which I'd been missing), I saw this weird... tall, skinny book amid the trade paperbacks. All I could see from my angle was that it said "X-Men" in the middle of the spine.

Assuming that it was some sort of international compilation -- or anthology sorta gimmick (it instantly reminded me of the few Dandy Annuals I've found), I nyoinked it off the shelf for a better look. And, well... the fake-ass comics historian and X-ephemerologist in me is really glad that I did!

It wasn't a trade... it wasn't a UK Annual... instead, it was a -- Where's Waldo?-alike? And, just LOOK at that cover -- such an odd mixture of art styles and character reference to behold. It's part X-Men: The Animated Series, it's part X-Men: The Actual Comic... we've got Jim Lee art in the forefront... we've got characters that fans of the cartoon may've never seen before... it's just wild!

It almost begs to be read... and, in fact... believe it or not, there IS a story inside!

So, howsabout I take whatever splintered shreds of X-Men Analyst "legitimacy" I might still have left and we take a look at it together, eh?

--

Our story opens... in the Danger Room, where Magneto has broken in with his Alphabet Pet... err, MindMaster Device to gum up the works. Hmm, maybe we might look at this as an unofficial sequel to the Uncanny X-Men Super Activity Book from 1983... you all know how much I adore my lore and continuity! Anyway, MindMaster Device engaged... and our Mutant Heroes very nearly mentally enslaved, Gateway appears! Yeah, Gateway! All the kids picking this up on RIF Day know who Gateway is... right?

Now, Gateway's great and all... but, the X-Men aren't going to be able to survive this without OUR help as well... can YOU find the parts of Magneto's MindMaster Device? Serious question though... should the device be able to work when it's in pieces? Well, if nothing else, we now all know HOW to build a MindMaster Device!

• Gyroscope: $9.99 at Hobby Lobby
• Radar Dishes vary in price, but are readily available all over the internet
• Tripod: $29.99 at Best Buy
• Control Panel... well, we might have to x-periment with these to find the right one... but, there's a bunch of 'em waitin' for ya
• Main Housing Unit... well, it just looks like a remote control and Zack Morris' phone had a baby... should be able to find something THAT high tech at any Goodwill
• As for the Radar Screen - those usually come WITH the Radar Dishes... so, two birds, one stone

So, now that even WE could break into the X-Mansion and very nearly take out the entire team, let's move on... well, a whole bunch of disparate locations! Now ya see, Professor X wasn't quite sure he could trust Gateway... and, well, that kinda stands to reason -- ya see, this weird activity book might actually be the first time their paths have crossed! When the X-Men met the Aboriginal Teleporter, they were playing dead in the Outback, and Xavier was off trying to make boring bird-babies in space!

And here's where WE come back into the story. The Prof needs to get in contact with his charges... and, since it's not like he's some sort of telepath or anything, so he's going to have to rely on some good old-fashioned means of communication... including a fax machine? I mean, where would he be sending that fax? Oh well, let's help a brother out. Also, let's take in some of the cameos here... Ka-Zar? Gladiator? Santa Claus?! Dang.

Okay, moving on. Our first stop to search for the "Time Keys" is... the Savage Land. Which, ya know, isn't actually the X-Men traveling through time, despite what Wolverine says here. Oh well. We'll just play along and admire the wacky artwork. I mean, it's charmingly insane, is it not? Also, it looks as though Logan's about to slaughter an entire tribe of "swamp men", which is likely why this book didn't come with the Comics Code Authority seal of approval.

I'm not sure if the "No Mutants Sign" that's been posted in the Savage Land was part of Magneto's plan... since, ya know, he's kinda big on Mutant Supremacy and stuff. I'm also not sure how Genoshan soldiers, armor, and weaponry wound up here. Also (again), who the hell is "Pipeline"... and why are we looking for him? Only Pipeline I can find on the (always accurate and complete) Marvel Wiki is a group of folks who appeared in the 1992 Nomad series. I... don't... think this is the same one. Maybe he's some sort of Genoshan Soldier I'm supposed to recognize... but, heaven help me - it's been a long while since I read any X-Tinction Agenda era X-Books.

Let's assume that our heroes found what they were looking for in the Savage Land, because it's time to move along to... Genosha. Couldja imagine x-plaining the concept of Genosha to some tot who grabbed this book to play a bit of "Where's Wolvie?" I mean, it's pretty heavy, innit?

So, anyway... we're in Genosha... and, ya know somethin'... maybe we ARE actually time-traveling, because there is a Magneto Flag atop one of the buildings. Magneto would take over Genosha as a result of The Magneto War in... what was it... 1998? 1999? Maybe Look & Find X-Men was the catalyst to bring that about? I'm about 95% sure that it was. Anyway, our big-bad here is our good friend, Fabian Cortez... who isn't so much "hidden" on the page, as he is just angrily posing atop a building.

If we stop to admire some cameos here... we've got Alice and the White Rabbit, Dorothy and Toto, and a Leprechaun. Also, this marks the second page in a row where Gambit is just playing cards with some locals. Wonder if we'll be seeing more of that?

Moving on to Asteroid M, which... not gonna lie, seems like a pretty neat place to hang-out! Just look at all the amenities! I also love how we're getting the old "Baxter Building in a Fantastic Four Annual" cross-section here!

Now, if we were to stop admiring the batspit insanity of this page for a moment (we will get back to it), I feel like I gotta do some "achshully-ing". Ya see, we're at Asteroid M, yes? Home of Magneto and the Acolytes, yes? Magneto, as mentioned, is a champion of Mutant Supremacy. We're all on the same page, right? So... why in all frigs does he have a Sentinel Plant on board his base?! I mean, for real... he's got a Master Sentinel Mold here!

I think I might be able to No-Prize this... but, it's going to take some doing... and, to be honest, some legal wrangling. If you were to peruse this page, you'd see that Rogue is fighting alongside Uncle Sam... so, we might posit that this scene is actually playing out on DC's Earth-X... that, ya know, problematic Earth - that half of social media thinks we're actually living in in real life. So, let's say we're on Earth-X, where World War II ended differently... and, how that might've affected Magneto. I... okay, I can't even pretend to make that work anymore. We'll just... hell, I dunno what "we'll just" do.

Let's just change the subject... and look at the Three Little Pigs who just happened across that fridge full'a pork! Let's not think about the fact that Magneto has a fridge dedicated to pork and pork products... nor the fact that he has a Witch guarding it. Let's... okay... let's just move on.

To more Sentinels?! Ya kidding me? Okay then.

Before I write something horribly unfunny about this spread, I do wanna point out that... Gambit's playing cards here! Not only that, but he's playing WITH a Sentinel, a Caveman, and Santa Claus. Ya ever think of that question "If you could have dinner with three people from anywhere and anytime, who would they be?" Well I now have my answer: I'd share a meal with a Sentinel, a Caveman, and Santa Claus.

Okay, on to the unfunny analysis! Here we've got... quite the crowded mishigas. We've got a Sentinel wedding scene... which, we don't get a look at the bride, so I can't assume this is some sort of unholy union of flesh and machine... nor could I posit what might result of it. Speaking of unholy unions, we've got Storm and Dracula in very close proximity. Wolverine's here too... and we current-yearers know that he's not a fan of Vampires. We've got Uncle Sam... hurling a soccer ball at a Sentinel, which... c'mon... Uncle Sam ain't ever gonna touch a soccer ball, right?

Okay, next stop... Shi'ar Space... which might be the only X-Men locale more boring than the Savage Land. Speaking of boring... howsabout we throw a gaggle of Brood into the mix?

If we look toward the bottom of the left-hand page, and like really squint -- we might think that we're seeing the first appearance of Broo! Lookithim in that cute li'l "Newsy" hat! If that IS Broo... I might have to see about getting this sucker slabbed. Before we move on, because I can't think of even unfunny things to say about this page -- I didn't know that the Brood could drive little rockets. I mean, I never knew they couldn't either.

Anyway, our last stop before heading home is... the Mall! Like fer sher! We're apparently in the future... which, I mean... I dunno if any of y'all have been to a mall of late, but they're not exactly the most "hoppin'" of places. Must be the Earth-X effect? Anyway, Jubilee is our POV character here... which makes sense. Sadly, they're so far in the future that all of her credit cards are expired. Gotta ask... who gave her a credit card in the first place?

Lookit Wolverine standin' there lookin' like a Mutant McConnehy... MacGonahee... (hold on a sec)... lookin' like a Mutant *McConaughey*. Also, you'll NEVER in a MILLION YEARS guess what Gambit's doing. Anyway, we're supposed to look for a Danger Room Robot here... which, take that Joss Whedon - you didn't create nothin'! You just ripped off the Look & Find X-Men book when you brought in Danger.

Okay, I've been at this for like two hours at this point... so, let's just take it home. Literally and figuratively -- we're back at the Mansion, looking for... hypodermic needles? Furreal? Okay.

And, well -- fans of the Uncanny X-Men Super Activity Book (1983) will be familiar with this sensation... because, this... like that... doesn't have an ending! Rather, it just stops. Maybe there'll be yet another ridiculous Activity book that I'll happen across where we might continue the "lore" of this tale?

It might be worth noting that this final page is rather star-studded! In addition to all of our weird and oddball cameos, this page introduces the Juggernaut and Apocalypse to the mix! I'm guessing all the reference our artist had for this book was the back of the package for an X-Men Action Figure. We've also got a Master Sentinel Mold right... uh, across the water from the Xavier School... as well as the Statue of Liberty? Oh well, I mean - we're in New York... and we all know that, when you're anywhere in New York, all's ya gotta do is turn yer head to see Lady Liberty.

Oh well, that's where we leave it!

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(Not the) Letters Page: