X-Men Vignettes, Chapter Thirty (1989)

 

X-Men Vignettes #30 (1989)
"Play With Me"
Writer - Ann Nocenti
Art - John Bolton
Letters - Jim Novak
Colors - Glynis Oliver
Edits - Edelman, Harras, DeFalco
From: Classic X-Men #30 (February, 1989)

Hey! Anybody interested in finding out why Arcade is the way he is?

No? Well, me neither... but, it looks like we don't have much choice in the matter...

So let's make like we're reading a Rogues-focused issue of Geoff Johns era Flash, and... ya know, add a bunch of childhood trauma to a lunatic's backstory so we all feel sorry for him!

--

We open with Arcade being aroused from some wonderfully pleasant dreams... where he's being stalked by a bunch of demonic toys. He cries out that he doesn't wanna play with them, before introducing himself... to himself? He literally springs up in bed and says "I'm Arcade". Maybe Ann didn't realize this story was going to be the back-half of another Arcade-focused ditty... maybe it was art-direction to Bolton that accidentally made its way into the script? Maybe this is just the way Arcade speaks, and I've never realized it until now? Maybe I'm wasting way too much time on one oddly-dialogued panel. Anyway, it's storming and spooky out... and, before getting back to sleep, our man hears a familiar BLIPpin' of the Murderworld Computer System. He heads down to the console to see what's up... and who might've activated it.

He finds out quick that not only has the console been accessed... it's somehow locked him out from accessing it. Arcade realizes that, while he can't get into the system -- he can still enter Murderworld itself to see what he might be able to find. What follows is around four pages of our man hustlin' his way through, avoiding attacks from some oversized power-tools... and dodging fire from a shooting gallery, wherein his own childhood stuffed animals are attempting to pick him off. He manages to maneuver his way "backstage", where he overhears what sounds like a child playing with toys. All good, right? Well... no, ya see -- this child is playing with HIS toys... and so, Arcade's gotta regulate. Now... any guesses as to who this kid might be? Oh, c'mon, this ain't your first comic book story. Of course, the child is... Arcade himself.

Adult-Child Arcade picks up a clown doll and pats Child-Child Arcade on the head. Child-Child Arcade plucks the nose off'a the clown doll... which really ticks off Adult-Child Arcade... and so, he proceeds to pummel the bejeezus out of the boy... with the toy! Wow, why is Arcade reacting so violently? Could it be some... childhood trauma he's flashing back to? Again, this ain't yer first comic book story.

Suddenly, in mid-swing, Adult-Child Arcade seems to realize that this redheaded toy-breaker is actually... him. I mean, he's just now figuring that out? Maybe this is the first comic story he's ever read? Anyway, he stops himself from pummeling the punk into paste... and not a moment later, an angry, balding fella enters the room. Could this be -- Arcade's abusive father? Well, I mean... yeah. Duh.

Daddy grabs the kid by his arm and starts laying into him... verbally. Worth noting, Daddy doesn't get much of an opportunity to become physically violent -- because, before he can, Adult-Child Arcade picks up a toy train and clubbers his father with it -- killing him!

This takes us to our endgame... Adult-Child Arcade embraces Child-Child Arcade. Suddenly, there's a loud THUNK, which I'm assuming signals the end of this Murderworld Program, as it's followed by li'l Arcade literally falling to pieces -- he's just a robot, ya see? We know Arcade's kinda got a "thing" for robots, so it's probably good that this particular one fell apart.

We close out with Arcade heading back to the Murderworld console to find out what sick mind might've written this program. Uh, any guesses? Hey-HEY, turns out, Arcade did it himself... in his sleep.

--

Now, I know it probably seems like I was a little dismissive of this story -- which, isn't entirely fair. It's a fine story... perhaps, in the opinion of the a-hole whose words you're reading right now, an unnecessary story... but, a fine one all the same.

Sometimes it's difficult to go back and look at story types which may have been considered novel back in the long ago... that have been rendered into nothing more than the lazy tropes of current-year. Back in 1989, or whenever this was actually written, the deconstruction of the hero/villain was still somewhat "new", right? Topics like childhood trauma or parental abuse to x-plain away baddie-behavior weren't quite so over-done. With that in mind, this story probably opened some eyes -- the idea that this Adult-Child (or, in current-year parlance: Manbaby), who is stuck in this odd arrested development, where his death traps are literal oversized toys, may've been abused by his father -- it sorta-kinda tracks, right?

Of course, it's hard to do anything other than roll your eyes when we're reading this today... as, "childhood trauma" has become the go-to for super-villain origin stories. Recently over on X-Lapsed, we discussed some of the fillery final issues of Gerry Duggan's Marauders. In them [spoiler alert], it was revealed that Wilhelmina Kensington of the Hellfire Tots/Homines Verendi, acted like an even less-stable Harley Quinn because was sexually abused by her father. The online reaction to this bit of business (on my airwaves and elsewhere), wasn't anger, sadness, or anxiety... it was... disinterest. If there was any actual emotion involved, it was more disappointment directed toward Duggan for taking the route-most-traveled.

This certainly isn't to say softening (or humanizing) a villain is something I consider as being off-limits -- it's just been done to the point where it doesn't even elicit an emotion. Maybe the industry is just over-exposed at this point? Maybe the current crop of talent lack the subtlety of the old guard? Maybe, the fact that continuity doesn't even really exist anymore makes retcons like these carry even less "oomph" or weight? I dunno.

There's also the argument to be made for the fact that -- sometimes people are just jerks. Some folks are born with a chip on their shoulder, and it doesn't matter how good or bad of an upbringing they had -- they're going to grow up to be bad guys/gals. I mean, that's how it is in real-life, right? Nature vs. Nurture is certainly a thing -- but, there are people who are just plain evil. Gun to my head, I'm not sure I could name one such character in mainstream comics. To the "over-exposure" point, every villain has been fleshed out to the point where, it's hard to completely root against them. We see their point of view, and sympathize with them -- or, "understand" why they are the way that they are. Heck, maybe I'm just reading the wrong comics?

With all that said -- I know it's unfair of me to be all "Chris" and hold the sins of the sons against the father (or mother, I suppose), but it's difficult for me to look at a story like this, with my "2022" vision -- and do anything other than shrug-n-sigh. It's unfortunate that this sort of story has been overused to the point where we can guess literally every single beat of it... and can sum up our thoughts on it by simply saying "Oh, it's one of those."

Overall, it was pretty to look at -- and, likely very novel (enlightening, even) back in the long ago -- but, if you're just as tired of this trope as yer idiot host, you probably won't get much out of this.

X-Men Vignettes, Chapter Twenty-Nine (1989)

 

X-Men Vignettes #29 (1989)
"Motherland"
Writer - Chris Claremont
Pencils - June Brigman
Inks - Roy Richardson
Letters - Joe Rosen
Colors - Glynis Oliver
Edits - Edelman, Harras, DeFalco
From: Classic X-Men #29 (January, 1989)

Wrapping up the "roaring twenties" of our Vignettes dip, with the third Colossus-centric chapter!

It's also Chris Claremont's final Vignette... so, let's enjoy him while we've got him!

--

Today's tale opens with Storm carrying Colossus all the way back to... well, as the title of the story suggests, the Motherland. She sets down her "little brother" just a little ways from his family's (Ust-Ordynski) collective, as he requested -- and kisses him goodbye, perhaps forever. Ya see, Piotr tells her he'll signal for pickup when he's ready to return... he's just not sure if he's actually send it. He's done the international hero thing, he's been an X-Man -- but, that wasn't really his scene. His home is Russia... be belongs with his family. He trudges his way toward the farm, trying to reconnect with Mother Russia with each step. Upon arrival, he spots his little sister, Illyana picking flowers for the Young Pioneers. She throws herself into her big brother's arms.

Not a moment later, Pete's folks emerge from their small lodge to welcome their boy back home. Inside they fix him a great big meal while they catch up. In a great bit of Vignette continuity, Piotr presents Illyana with all of the sketches he'd done during his time away. They're spread out on the dinner table and discussed. Papa Nikolai is very impressed by the skill -- but, doesn't appear to understand their importance, comparing them to the stories he'd tell to Piotr and Mikhail when they were little boys.

Our man decides he wants to catch up with some of his old friends... starting with Sasha. The 'rents aren't so sure that's a great idea -- though, they suggest Illyana maybe take him. Piotr immediately knows that something isn't quite right -- and soon learns that his friend... well, several of his friends... were killed in Afghanistan (during the, still ongoing at the time of the story, Soviet-Afghanistan War 1979-1989).

With Pete knelt at the cross-filled memorial site, Illyana tells him that she'll never let anything happen to him. He assures her this goes both ways. Just then, a propane tanker flips and catches fire over on the main road. Knowing that this could end... ya know, very very poorly, Piotr armors up and rushes into action.

Now, I gotta say -- when I first read this bit, I half-thought we were heading into FEAR AND HATE territory. If you recall our past couple of "Colossal" outings, they both ended with Pete having to "armor up"... and then dealing with how those around him react to finding out he's a mutant. The first time, he was called a monster -- the second, he was invited to a post-funeral threesome. So, I guess we can say he's batting .500 -- but, what'll happen now? Well, oddly enough... the fact that he's a mutant doesn't even come up! He manages to save the day, while the Soviets cheer him on. Pete's Papa douses him with a bucket'a water to cool him off -- Illyana jumps in his arms, x-cited for whenever her mutant abilities might manifest... looks like it's all good in the hood!

But then... a man from Piotr's past makes his way toward him. It's Alyosha... and he is wearing the wounds of a Soviet soldier. He is missing a leg and an arm. He calls our hero a Traitor. Kinda gives him a spin on that speech from the uber-preachy and not half as readable as we remember it, O'Neil/Adams Green Lantern/Green Arrow. Colossus, I been readin' about you... you work for the Americans, you helped out the bird-lookin' aliens, you did considerable for the mohawked and randy cave people -- but you never bothered with the Reds (as in Soviets, natch). Piotr, being the sad sack he is, doesn't have any reply. Alyosha gets so excited he swings his crutch at our man, and winds up doing an elbow-drop onto nothing -- kinda like when Ric Flair gets too excited during a promo. Before we know it, Pete's surrounded by military police... and arrested as a deserter! Wow, that sure escalated, didn't it?

Piotr's tossed in a cell... assumedly awaiting trial. The trial won't ever come, however, as he's picked up by a Colonel Vazhin -- and driven out to a desolate road, where he's let go. Vazhin tells Colossus that his work is with the X-Men for now... and understands that what the X-Men do, serves the entire world -- and so, Pete's Rodina (Motherland) is the entire world. All well and good -- buuuuut, Piotr's not allowed back home... and, this little event will be framed as him escaping... and deserting.

--

Not a bad little story. Probably the strongest of the Colossus chapters yet, simply because it didn't rely on FEAR AND HATE. Not sure it was the best outro for Claremont, as -- if I'm not mistaken -- this is his Vignettes swan-song, but enjoyable nonetheless. A bit dry and unevenly told -- lotta build-up for a very rushed conclusion. This one almost feels like it was intended to be a full-length story/issue of X-Men, but was retrofitted as a Vignette. I'm probably wrong, but there is definitely a feeling of truncation during the final-fourth of this ditty.

The concept of "going home" is one I feel can resonate in us all... though, I'm always open to the possibility that I'm projecting jussa li'l bit. Having Piotr return to his pre-X life, with the suggestion that he may stay there forever, is an interesting story to tell. Sure, the old saying "you can't go home again" is likely the first thing that flashed in our minds upon getting into this chapter -- but, wouldn't it be nice if that weren't the case?

Maybe I'm in a semi-fragile state as I write this... maybe I'm stuck in a bit of arrested development... but, imagine if it were possible to just go home again? You've lived a stage of your life, made your decisions... and, all the while, your "home" (literal or conceptual) remained just locked in amber -- just waiting for you to return. I really appreciated Piotr asking Storm to drop him off a little ways away from the Collective -- because he wanted to reacquaint himself with his home on foot. He wanted to hear the crunch and squish of the grass and earth under his feet. He wanted the home he grew up in to rise up over the horizon. It's very powerful stuff if you stop and think about it -- or, if you're a touch too precious like me.

The "novelty" of home is another thing I feel like many of us can relate to. Have you ever gone back to where you grew up (assuming you left in the first place)? Seeing familiar sights... reuniting with familiar people... friends and family. For a brief... very brief bit of time, you ARE home again. People are happy to see you, everything old becomes new again... and for a moment, it's as though you never left. Colossus had that here, upon seeing Illyana... having his parents craft a massive feast for him. But then... as it always does, the moment passes... and you come to the realization that, whether we like it or not, time moves forward. Things aren't the same as they were. Piotr got a bit of that while sharing his sketches... followed by the gut-punch reality-check that many of his friends never made it back from the war.

I'm probably making this seem like a lot deeper of a story than it actually is... not sure why this one's hitting me quite this way, because -- as mentioned, it's a rather "dry" little ditty. Anyway, dry or not, I think this is a Vignette that's definitely worth the five minutes outta your day it'll take to x-perience. You may have noticed that John Bolton does not provide the art this time out, he is missed -- but, June Brigman does a good job filling in.

X-Men Vignettes, Chapter Twenty-Eight (1988)

 

X-Men Vignettes #28 (1988)
"Who Am I?"
Writer - Ann Nocenti
Art - John Bolton
Letters - Joe Rosen
Colors - Max Scheele
Edits - Edelman, Harras, DeFalco
From: Classic X-Men #28 (December, 1988)

Well, there's a... sorta disturbing cover, eh? Doesn't look at all like something that'd be associated with an X-Men story (ya know, minus the oversized Ruby Quartzes on the dude's face). That's going to become a bit of a trend over these last few Vignette covers -- some of them are going to be quite odd. Still very cool -- just, ya know, odd.

And yes, despite the fact that we still have around a dozen and a half more installments of this project -- the fun Bolton "covers" will be running out much sooner. I wanna say, we've only got around 5 or 6 left! From there... well, I'll have to get a bit creative (which, if history and this blog are any indication, isn't terribly inspiring).

Anyway -- y'all ever wanted to celebrate Halloween with the X-Men? No? Well -- we're gonna anyway.

--

Our story opens with Nightcrawler, who is dressed as a devil, being welcomed in to a Halloween costume party. He jokes with them about buying their souls -- to which, one of 'em apologizes, claiming he's already sold his... and it went cheap! Our fuzzy friend then breaks away to find his friends and teammates. Ya see, the gimmick here is that the X-Men all went independently -- without spilling the beans on what costume they were planning to wear. They thought it'd be fun to see if they can find one another. We're about to learn that... well, maybe that'd been fun on paper -- and I don't mean the paper this comic was printed on. Kurt sees... Wolverine being all sex-pesty to Jean Grey? Only... it's not actually them? Like, a pair of random humans at this party decided to dress up as Logan and Jean for the party???

Kurt takes a sip of eyeball-flavored punch while surveying the room. He thinks this little X-Men hunt will be pretty easy -- spotting a tall man with a mask, he assumes this is Colossus -- though, this big feller is chatting up a girl, which Petey'd definitely be too shy to do (unless it's just after a funeral). He spots a pirate who looks nothing like Wolverine in the slightest -- who he assumes is, ya know, Wolverine. This character actually looks more like Nightcrawler himself, when he uses the Image Inducer.

Just then, a Catwoman comes up behind him to flirt. This little lady seems to have the same fetish as Harry from the Hideaway/Hideout -- she's definitely got a "thing" for Kurt's astonishingly handsome tail. Once she's done tuggin' the tail, Kurt is approached by, I'm assuming, the fella throwing this here shindig. He tells Nightcrawler about some trouble that may be brewing -- ya see, there's a party-guest named Tiffany, who's got herself a monster of an ex-husband, Johnny. He used to beat her, and has threatened to up the ante here tonight. Our host knows that Tiff is dressed as a ghost -- but, Johnny? Johnny could be dressed as anything.

Elsewhere, Cyclops that jester from the cover is off having a drink. He's approached by a masked belly dancer, and lured into the next room. Now, we know this is obviously Jean -- Scott, however, does not. And yet, he follows her anyway.

Back to Kurt, who runs over to the pirate who looks nothing like Wolverine... and proceeds to address him as though he was. The Pirate ain't amused in the slightest, and just assumes that the devil-man is trying to horn-in (d'oh!) on his women.

Back to Scott, who proceeds to make out with the masked belly dancer -- realizes she's actually wearing a mask under her mask -- removes it, revealing a face full of scars? B-but, Why?

Okay, no time for any'a that -- we got a murder to stop. We pop back over to Nightcrawler, who arrives in yet another room of this sprawling home, just in time to see a man dressed as a clown plunge his knife direc-a-ly into the neck of someone dressed as a ghost. Whoops, we're too late! By the looks of it, this murder seemed to really turn on a woman dressed like a witch. Like I say, I ain't here to kink-shame. The clown goes to make his escape, but runs into a giant of a man dressed like a mummy.

The mummy is quickly (and unsurprisingly) revealed to be Colossus, and he's flanked by a pile of (clean) laundry -- which is actually Wolverine. The jig appears to be up for ol' Johnny. As a last ditch effort, he grabs the libidinous witch and threatens to kill her as well -- which, again, she doesn't seem to be all that upset by. If anything, she's giving off more of a face-melting reaction than actual fright.

Just then, a ghost walks to her mark on the stage to unmask and deliver her line. It's Tiffany! She's not actually dead, ya see -- the ghost he'd stabbed in the neck was just a dummy they'd set up. By now, Johnny's completely lost it, and still seems rather set on killing the randy witch. Before he can, however, his blade is TKed away -- and he's bearhugged by our Russian Mummy.

Off to the side, we see that -- duh, Jean was responsible for the TKing. She's the double-masked belly dancer, naturally. This freaks Scott-the-Jester out, seeing as though he'd just made out with her thinking she wasn't her -- I think? Y'all know how I like to (over)use the phrase "Dagwood Sandwich", but Jean here is a Dagwood unto herself. Ya see, not only was she wearing the belly dancer's veil, not only was she wearing a mask over her mouth... but, she's also wearing a bunch of phony scars? She goes to begin pulling the scars off her face -- but -- uhh, Scott stops her? He wants to kiss her... scars and all? What the hell are we reading here? Arright... let's rush to the exit -- we close out with the concupiscent witch sidling up to Nightcrawler wanting to share some eyeball punch with him. We out.

--

Okay, I'm not a writer. Sure, I'm writing words right now -- but, I don't consider myself a writer. If I were, I'd be creating stuff... and not spend my time commenting on other peoples' stuff. Sure, I've got stories I'd love to tell -- I'm just not talented enough to actually do it. That said, I can't claim to understand the writer's "process". Like, in reading this here Vignette -- damned if I can even hazard a guess as to what Nocenti was trying to accomplish here. What's more, even if I were given a detailed triptych, I doubt I could navigate it! Like, where did this story "start"... as in, what was the idea, the concept... the point?

Sure, I'm probably thinking about this too hard... while being a bit too "Chris" about it... but, I'm really struggling with this one. It wasn't awful... it wasn't even (really) bad. And, sure, we're (mostly) post-Claremont here -- and so, we're largely in filller territory -- but, even so -- this one felt just plain ridiculous. Is it a mystery thriller wrapped around finding a murderer? Is it a whimsical costume party where Nightcrawler proves how inept he is at identifying his teammates? Is it the story of Scott unwittingly not cheating on Jean... and discovering he's got a "thing" for scarification?! I... just dunno.

At least it was nice to look at? Well, besides the scars on Jean's chin, anyway. Next time out, I think we're going Colossus-centric -- let's hope they sidestep the FEAR AND HATE for this one!

--

(Not the) Letters Page:

X-Lapsed, Episode 328 - New Mutants #24 (2022)

X-Lapsed, Episode Three Hundred Twenty-Eight

New Mutants (vol.4) #24 (April, 2022)
"What is Deserved"
Writer - Vita Ayala
Art - Danilo Beyruth
Colors - Dan Brown
Letters - VC's Clayton Cowles
Design - Tom Muller
Edits - Okoye, Brunstad, White, Cebulski
Cover Price: $3.99
On-Sale: February 9, 2022 (orig. December 1, 2021)

Come for the clumsy pop-psychology, stay for the inattention to detail!

This issue of New Mutants unfortunately falls between two eras -- we're thru with the Reign of X... but not quite into Destiny of X.  As such, it's got pages to fill... decks to clear... and foundations to begin laying.

That said, this entire x-ercise feels a lot more forced and unsubtle than it perhaps ought to be.  Then again, maybe these are just some of those pesky "Chris Problems" gettin' in the way of my enjoying a book?  You be the judge!

Plus: Another toe-dip into the Mailbag!

--

Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/xlapsed

X-Lapsed Voicemail: 623-396-5375 (or, 623-396-JERK)

Twitter: @acecomics / Instagram: @90sxmen

weirdcomicshistory@gmail.com

chrisandreggie.podbean.com

The All-New, All-Different chrisisoninfiniteearths.com

facebook.com/groups/90sxmen

X-Men Vignettes, Chapter Twenty-Seven (1988)

 

X-Men Vignettes #27 (1988)
"Backlash"
Writer - Ann Nocenti
Art - John Bolton
Letters - Tom Orzechowski
Color - Glynis Oliver
Edits - Edelman, Harras, DeFalco
From: Classic X-Men #27 (November, 1988)

Hey, waitasec -- no wildly overwritten One Page at a Time piece today?!

Nope! We're all saved from my uneven attempts at annotating Marvel Riot (for now), as the Vignettes project has been saved! Knowing the silly (yet unflinchingly rigid) rules I have for the written content on this site, a very generous (too generous) fella sent me the three issues of Classic X-Men I needed in order to see this project through to its end.

A wildly generous act -- which, I can't adequately put into words what it means to me. I'll be reaching out soon off-blog, but I definitely want to say THANK YOU, to Chris U. for going out of his way to put these books into my hot and calloused little hands. I was absolutely gobsmacked when I hit the mailbox this morning. I sincerely and oh-so-humbly Thank You!

--

We open with a janitor about to pour some Drano down a... ya know... drain. As the goop blurbles it's way into the pipes, however, our blue-collar friend finds himself attacked by... I dunno how we're gonna describe these beasties. They're not necessarily "Geiger-esque", but they're not necessarily not either. I mean, I'll post a pic of course, which, I suppose renders these past few sentences rather pointless, eh? Anyway, as this plumbing horror show is taking place, a few of the X-Men are at a nearby burger joint. Cyclops is chatting up the owner of the place's son, who basically sings a few lines of Billy Joel's Allentown to explain what's been going on in their neck of the woods. Pollution and poverty... we're one "fat cat" away from Ann Nocenti bingo! Let's not get ahead of ourselves...

The Hamburger Artist pulls himself aside in order to ogle Jean Grey... who happens to be waiting outside the restaurant, where she's currently being accosted by Wolverine. Like... I don't wanna be "current year" about it, but it's kind of uncomfortable. He's literally got her backed up against the wall, with his arms kinda "pinning" her to it. I'm not sure what tone or feel we're supposed to be getting from this, as... and I might be projecting a bit... it feels like Claremont and Nocenti have been really playing up the idea that Jean was meant to be with Logan and not Scott. It's a whole lotta "You can't fight this forever" sorta chat -- which, Jean doesn't argue -- she does, however, suggest that one of them will have to leave the X-Men. Just then, Scott saunters on out, bagfull'a burgers in hand... seemingly none the wiser to the scene we just saw play out -- despite the fact that Jean was visible from inside the burger joint. I dunno -- maybe Scott's got a cuckold thing? Hey, I'm not here to kink-shame.

Suddenly, Jean's ears perk up as though she's Lassie -- there's trouble at the old factory! She takes flight, TK-towing the fellas behind her. Upon arrival, they meet up with our shrieking janitor... who's, well, still shrieking. Scott attempts to calm him down so they might find out just what in the world is going on. Jean and Wolverine pull away, because -- what better time to continue their problematic chat, eh? Nah, I'm kidding -- they do pull away, but it's so Jean can try psi-scanning the place. Quite why Wolverine needed to accompany her? Well... I suppose it does facilitate the forthcoming uncomfortable scene. The ground begins to shake, a chasm opens up -- right under Jean and Logan's feet! Jean forgets for a moment that she can fly... and has those TK powers we just saw three panels ago... and so, they fall into the down-below. On their way, Jean calls out to Scott to evacuate the building -- she senses ten people present.

In the down-below, Wolverine engages in some comical molestation. "Oh, was that your leg?" Yeah, that's a pretty smooth play, Logan. Anyway, after the stolen grope, our heroes find themselves being descended upon by those Geiger-not-Geiger beasties we met at the jump. Wolverine, being Wolverine, SNIKTs before thinking -- slicing the suckers into itty bitty bits. Unfortunately for him, however, these bits simply become critters of their own! So, looks like this bad situation is becoming worse by the second! Jean TKs some of them away, to buy them some time (and space) so they might flee. It doesn't take long for the critters to catch up and surround them. As a last-ditch effort, Jean erects a TK shield around she and the fuzzy pervert she's with -- which, well... being crammed in such close quarters may've (most definitely has) erected something else as well.

The Geiger-not-Geigers continue piling on... really pressing our heroes together. It's uncomfortable... for several reasons. Like I said, I really don't wanna be "current year" about this, because... blech... but, the way Logan is acting here? I think the current-year-kids would say it's, ugh, "Not okay." In fairness (is it "fairness"?), Jean isn't exactly unreceptive to his wiles... it's more that she's trying to stay "on task". Logan keeps telling her not to resist... which, okay, okay... yeah... this doesn't read well nowadays. Jean cries out to Scott -- to which, Logan suggests that she's using Scott as a "conscience check" of sorts. Well, she's not. She's actually just trying to find out if the building's been evacuated so she can blow the place up without killing anybody.

And, well -- she's given the telepathic thumbs up... and does da t'ing. Worth noting, even up to the very last moment, Wolverine is still trying to get into Jean's pants.

We wrap up with the dissipation of Phoenix flame where the factory once stood. Scott rushes over to his teammates to check in. We close out with a bit of dialogue that Nocenti clearly wrote in reverse. Scott asks the experience "was horrible", which, I mean... pretend you just saw someone very close to you go through something that was clearly traumatic, and say this line out loud, "Was it horrible?" Has any human ever said a line that stilted? Oh well -- like I said, it was clearly written in reverse, as to allow Wolverine to respond by saying it was the best time he's had in months.

--

Could it be -- a Nocenti story I actually sorta-kinda enjoyed?! No(t much) soapboxing, actual character-development... a post-Claremont Vignette that doesn't feel like a pile of sentences swept into a word processer?

Well, will wonders never cease! Gotta say, I think I've made my position on the Logan/Jean "romance" pretty clear over the years. In case you're new, or I'm not as clear as I think -- I'm against it. Not a fan. Feels wildly forced to me. That said, however, I am very much a "Facts of Life" sorta fella when it comes to my comics lore -- which is to say, I take the good, I take the bad... I take 'em both. So, whether or not I dig or agree with a story beat or concept... so long as creative is consistent with the lore, I'm there for it.

Perhaps worth noting, and this is probably the most "un-Chris" thing I'll ever say on this site -- my first exposure to the possibility that there's any sort of romantic feelings between Jean and Logan was by watching the cartoo-- err, Animated Series. I keep forgetting, it makes me sound a lot more intelligent to not refer to it as a "cartoon". I didn't like it then either, but -- I guess I considered the show and the comic two different things, so it didn't much bother me. In the years since, I've become juuuuuuusssst a little better acquainted with the seminal beats of this storyline -- and, while I still don't care for it, I respect it as part of these characters' history.

With all that said -- this was a creepy little ditty. We, as readers, gotta do a fair amount of heavy-lifting to make this story work without much of a hitch. We have to assume that Scott didn't see Wolverine pinning his girl against the wall of the burger joint -- even though one panel earlier, the Burger Artist was gawking at the redhead. We've also got to assume that Warren didn't tell Scott about the run-in he had with Wolverine back in our opening chapter. I mean, I get dedicating a couple'a Vignette chapters to x-amining the weird primal lusty gutsy relationship that's simmering here, but maybe we don't put Scott within earshot of these chats, eh?

Maybe Scott's got some cuck-y tendencies... but, we know that isn't the case (well, pre-HoXPoX, anyway). It just seems bizarre to have Logan make his move here. We know he doesn't have a whole lotta respect for Scott -- but, what he's doing here makes me want to actively root against him -- which, and I might be projecting -- I don't believe is the desired reaction. I feel like Claremont and Nocenti really want for us to be pulling for Logan and Jean. I could be wrong. In any event, discomfort abounded here. Physical, emotional, sexual -- it's a regular discomfort Olympics!

Overall, like I said -- despite my discomfort and misgivings about the Jean/Logan/Scott love-triangle, I enjoyed this. Props to Nocenti for managing to tell a story that had to do with factories shutting down and pollution, and not get all high-horse and soapboxy about it. I'm sure that was a challenge for her. The art here, well, it goes without saying, dunnit? It's spectacular stuff. This one's worth a read -- and, dare I say, makes me a little bit optimistic regarding our post-Claremont Vignette future!

One more huge thank you to Chris U. for supplying me with this issue -- and saving the Vignettes Project!

One Page at a Time: Marvel Riot #1, Page Four

Marvel Riot #1 (December, 1995)
“X-Men Alphalpha”, Page Four
Plot – Scott Lobdell
Words/Art – Hilary Barta
Inks – Rurik Tyler
Letters – Richard Starkings & Comicraft
Colors – Mike Worley
Edits – (Mariano) Nicieza, Potts

Here we are again... four pages in. The "gimme" project, a silly little idea I had that I thought I'd spend about 10-15 minutes on every morning -- that's actually taking me several hours a day to put together.

I guess I do this to myself.

Hey, by the way -- if you're enjoying this, I'd love it if you took two seconds out of your day to let me know. Heck, if you're hating it, let me know that too!

--

Page Four, Panel 1-2

Bishop, suffering from a whopper of a headache, tells the X-Men what's going on. He informs them that Charles Xavier... was killed -- in the past -- and so, reality's all shades of effed up. Gambit, Sabretooth, and Jubilee audibly gasp... moments before realizing that they'd never heard of a Charles Xavier.

Hey, waitaminute -- have any of you ever heard of a Charles Xavier?! Let's meet him!

Not sure if that's his actual skull... but close enough!

Charles Xavier

Real Name: Charles Francis Xavier - First Appearance: X-Men #1 (September, 1963)
A Stan 'n Jack Production

We've covered a lot of his origin in The Essential X-Lapsed - his father died, his mother died, he was raised by an abusive stepfather and had a jerk of a step-brother. He'd graduate with honors from Harvard University at the age of 16.

From there, he'd go on to Oxford... where he meets Moira Kinross (X... err, I mean ten times apparently). They have a brief engagement... or, plot to assemble all of the mutants of the world onto a living island... your (and Marvel's) mileage may vary. Charles would travel to Cairo, where he'd meet Erik Lensherr -- then be killed by his time-travelling, mom-banging son, David. Whozat? We'll get there.

Let's pretend for a beat that Chuck isn't killed by his son -- what would he go on to do? Good thing we have a written record, eh? Charles would travel to the Himalayas, where he'd have a run-in with the alien baddie called Lucifer. This meet-cute would cost Xavier the use of the legs he was always bragging about. He'd go on to form the Original Five at his School for Gifted Youngsters. Heckuva class, they'd graduate in record time (literally 7 issues). They'd go on adventures, Xavier would fake his own death (as mentioned during our Morph chat last time out).

After the Original Five (plus Havok and Polaris) were captured by the Mutant Island, Krakoa, Xavier was forced to put together an All-New, All-Different team of mutants to rescue them. Rumor has it he put together another team before the All-New, All-Differents... buuuuut, this is 1995, so we don't care bout none'a that!

He'd meet and fall in love with Lilandra Neramani, the Majestrix of the Shi'ar Empire. A bit later, during a run-in with the alien Brood, Chuck would wind up with a Brood Egg implanted in his body. He'd wind up in a cloned body after this, which is why the Professor X of the mid-late 1980's had the ability to walk. Hey, ya know, it's weird living in a time where the sight of Charles IN a wheelchair is a novelty!

Following the Trial of Magneto (the real one, not the bordering-on-false-advertising bloated mini we got last year), Professor X leaves Earth because Claremont didn't like writing him... err, I mean, to be with the Bird Woman of his Dreams. As mentioned last time, Magneto takes on his role as Headmaster of the School, and mentor to the New Mutants. Charles comes back to Earth, and has his legs crushed again (wow!). During the X-Tinction Agenda, he was nearly assassinated by Stryfe (who was posing as Cable), and during Fatal Attractions, he gave Magneto the ol' Onslaughtian Mindwipe.

That gets us about current to the AoA... however, since we are talking the AoA, most of this stuff never happened!

Now that we know the guy... howsabout we find out why he ain't with us in this story!

Legion Quest

Before we get into the story itself, let's meet the titular...

Legion

Real Name: David Haller - First Appearance: New Mutants #25 (March, 1985)
Created by Chris Claremont & Bill Sienkiewicz

The son of Charles Xavier and Gabrielle Haller (not Moira MacTaggert, despite what so many twitter "comics scholars" claim). David is a mutant who suffers schizophrenia... which, we're just going to minimalize to meaning "has multiple personalities". MPD and schizophrenia are often used interchangeably in fiction (and by the aforementioned social media scholars), so who am I to fight back? Anyway, thing of it is, each of David's personalities has a different mutant power.

During the Muir Island Saga, David would be possessed by the Shadow King, during which time he'd kill the mutant precog, Destiny. Don't worry none, she'll get better -- about thirty-years later. Following these events -- Legion would be in a coma... until...

Legion Quest (for real this time)

Legion Quest kicked off with a prologue chapter in X-Factor #109 (December, 1994) by Todd DeZago, John Francis Moore, & Jan Duursema

In it, Legion is in his coma. He's nearly picked off by Mystique, Destiny's partner/lover/wife (not sure where they landed on that back in 1995... but, we all knew). Mystique, at the time, was sorta-kinda one of the good guys. She served on the X-Factor team. Well, she was being forced to. Anyway, while comatose, David chats up Destiny -- who has a message she needs him to pass on to Mystique.

X-Factor fights Avalanche, during which, Legion is able to pull the mind-meld with Mystique and deliver Irene's message. The prologue chapter ends with Legion making X-Factor disappear. He thinks to himself that he's going to do something... that will make everything better.

Legion Quest proper kicks off in Uncanny X-Men #320 (January, 1995) by Scott Lobdell, Mark Waid, & Roger Cruz

This was that one issue that Wizard included a "Gold" variant of for free with an issue of their mag. You know the one, the "super rare" issue, that every jagoff who bought comics in the 90's owns a copy of? Yeah, that one.

Anyway, in this issue, the X-Men are alerted that a black dome had been erected in the Negev Desert... and so, they head in and check it out. Storm, Iceman, Bishop, and Psylocke enter the dome, and wind up battling Legion. They are unsuccessful in stopping him from creating a time-portal... and, wouldn'tcha know it, they all get sucked in. Jean Grey is left behind, and sends a distress signal to the Professor. Meanwhile, Lilandra of the Shi'ar is informed that the M'kraan Crystal signals the end of everything.

The story continues into X-Men (vol.2) #40 (January, 1995) by Fabian Nicieza & Andy Kubert

In it, the X-Men (and Legion) arrive 20 years in the past... annnd, nobody can remember anything. In the present, the X-Men (plus Cable) meet up with Jean in the desert. They're contacted by Lilandra, who decided to get a second opinion on that whole "end of everything" deal -- and asks the Watchers. They back up the Crystal's claim.

Back in the past, Legion is taken to a hospital in Israel. As luck would have it, it's the very same hospital where Charles and Erik were working two decades back. David's memories return upon being Touched by Magneto (Saturdays at 9 EST on CBS), and he starts projecting illusions... of Magneto's yet-to-occur evil deeds -- and also, of the present day X-Men.

Back to Uncanny for the penultimate part. Uncanny X-Men #321 (February, 1995) by Scott Lobdell, Mark Waid, & Ron Garney.

In the present, Jean and Cable attempt to send a psychic signal... through time... to the displaced X-Men.

Back in the past, Professor X and Magneto's younger selves get into a barfight while trying to protect a war veteran.

Then, in the scene this issue (and perhaps the entire Legion Quest story) is most notorious for -- Legion, posing as his father, Charles Xavier... seduces his own mother, Gabrielle Haller. Now, this being a Code Approved book, they don't share what happens here... uh, to completion... but, theories could be made. There is, however, at the very least, some hot 'n heavy makin' out.

Xavier hears Gabby mentally cry out, and so he and Mags rush back to the hospital to check in on her. What they find, however, is Legion.

In the present, Cable is finally able to make contact with the time-displaced X-Men... but only long enough to pass a message along to -- our man with the headache "this big", Bishop!

The final chapter of Legion Quest was X-Men (vol.2) #41 (February, 1995) by Fabian Nicieza, Andy Kubert, & Rob Garney.

Here - Legion fights Magneto... which we'll find out was the whole purpose of this little time-hop sesh. The time-displaced X-Men attempt to reduce chronal (and physical) damage to the past. Psylocke is able to contact Xavier, letting him know what's going on with Legion.

In the present, the M'Kraan Crystal begins wiping everything out. Back in the past, Apocalypse wakes up... and thinks to himself, "Hey, mebbe this'd be an advantageous time to ascend!"

The X-Men manage to fight Legion to a standstill -- until the baddie decides to just kayo the lot of 'em. Whoops. Legion then sets his sights back on Magneto. Ya see, if he manages to kill Magneto in the past, his father's dream of a world of peaceful coexistence between humans and mutants would/could come to pass! Unfortunately for David, he didn't take Charles' (uncharacteristic?) altruism into account. Xavier throws himself between Legion and Magneto, and is ultimately killed.

Everyone, except Bishop, vanishes... as the Crystal Wave smashes into the Earth of the present.

Now, this wouldn't be a mid-90s event, if we didn't tack on an epilogue, now would it? That epilogue takes place in Cable #20 (February, 1995) by Jeph Loeb and Ian Churchill... and it's basically a cash-in depicting the last few moments of x-istence before the crystal wave hits.

So, that gets us current, eh? Jeez, we've still got most of this page to go. Oh! It's (probably not) worth noting here that Bishop's face-tattoo changes in each panel. I neglected to mention that in our double-page spread (Pages 2 and 3), Bishop's tattoo reads "yMca"... because, ya know, Village People, I guess? They're pretty timeless. Or, maybe it's just a reference to the Young Men's whatever the hell it is? Here, in our top two panels, Bish's tat reads "hi Mom" and "jklMnop".

He also downs a bottle of X-Cedrin... a reference to Excedrin, a brand-name painkiller used to treat headaches, bodyaches, and migraines. A handfulla' those sound pretty good right about now. Let's move on, eh?

Panels 3-4

While the X-Men try and figure out what a Charles Xavier is, Bishop (diM) holds his head s'more. Oh, you just wait, pal -- cuz we're about to get treated to some Magneto. If you listened to the Age of Apocalypse series of Cosmic Treadmill episodes, you might remember how Reggie and I talked about Magneto's penchant for... soliloquy. Dude would just NOT shut up. I often joke about creators being bitten by a radioactive Chris Claremont when they overindulge in their purple prose -- but, AoA Magneto must've been bitten by a radioactive Claremont... that'd been also been hit by a gamma bomb.

For our AoA series, I covered the "voice acting" for Magneto and Apocalypse... which, when there's just the right amount of chill in the air, I still feel the effect of that on my throat to this very day. For Poccy, I used my awful "Macho Man" Randy Savage impression... which, not only sounds terrible, but tears a throat up real good! For Mags, I went with a more dramatic Shakespearean vibe... and, boy did my chords get a workout!

That said, if we hop to the fifth and final panel of the page...

... I was absolutely tickled to see that Barta and Friends felt the very same way about Magneto's overwrought dialogue! This panel... basically tells ya all ya need to know about the AoA Magneto... wildly self-indulgent, thought he's not usually this self-aware (more on this bit next time out). Other things to look at in this panel include Gambit and Rogue sharing a very disgusting and sweaty kiss, Morph taking the form of a rock, Storm trying to fix her hair via lightning, and Nightcrawler suggesting that their fearless leader is off to check in with the Marketing Department.

Well, Kurt -- I don't think so... because, if the Merry Marvel Marketeers got involved, this story would've lasted two and a half years instead of just four months... just ask Spider-Man!

Anyway, that's it for today. There really isn't a 1:1 "page x-change" from X-Men Alpha to Marvel Riot this time out... but, here's the closest I could find:

X-Lapsed, Episode 327 - X Deaths of Wolverine #2 (2022)

X-Lapsed, Episode Three Hundred Twenty-Seven

X Deaths of Wolverine #2 (April, 2022)
"Dead Run"
Writer - Benjamin Percy
Art - Federico Vicentini
Colors - Dijjo Lima
Letters - VC's Cory Petit
Design - Tom Muller
Edits - Baumgartner, Basso, White, Cebulski
Cover Price: $4.99
On-Sale: February 9, 2022

X-Lapsed, back again!

Today, after a heartfelt "thank you" to all of the wonderful, supportive friends and listeners out there, we check back in on the crossovent of the season - XLADOW!

It's not a perfect little ditty, but is quite fun... and has comicbooky charm for days.

Plus: The return of the (abbreviated) Mailbag!

Thanks again for stickin' with me, gang!  

--

Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/xlapsed

X-Lapsed Voicemail: 623-396-5375 (or, 623-396-JERK)

Twitter: @acecomics / Instagram: @90sxmen

weirdcomicshistory@gmail.com

chrisandreggie.podbean.com

The All-New, All-Different chrisisoninfiniteearths.com