ACW #638 - Wild Dog

Action Comics Weekly #638 (Wild Dog)
"Crack Up, Chapter Three: Burning Down the House"
Writer - Max Allan Collins
Pencils - Terry Beatty
Inks - John Nyberg
Colors - Carl Gafford
Letters - Tim Harkins
Editor - Brian Augustyn

Y'all get that iPhone update?  Man, I thought I turned off automatic updates... but, I guess I didn't... because I woke up to the brand-new IOS 13-point-whateverthehell... and boy howdy, did it shuffle up the stuff on my phone!

One one hand, I suppose I should be happy that Apple is still supporting my five-year old phone, but at the same time... man, why mess with things that don't need messin'?  The only thing that really affects me is the camera and picture interactability... and that's only because of this here site.  But, dangit... it's all weird now!

This is my way of saying... if the pictures over the next few days/weeks/whatever aren't up to my usual "standards" (heh), it's not that I've gotten even worse... it's all the phone's fault!

All the greatest artists and craftsman blame their tools when things don't go quite as well as they'd like... right?

--

We open at that bar where Jack, Andy, and Lou hang out and chat from time to time.  Ya know, I didn't even realize this would be a recurring scene until now.  I really like it as a means of "working through" some of the story beats.  As you might imagine, today's topic of conversation is the death of li'l Georgie Washington last chapter.  Lt. Andy is pretty upset about the whole thing, and says that the officer who actually shot the lad is pretty shaken up as well.  From here, Lou Godder jumps head-first into a racial rant... claiming that the cops don't care about killing black kids.  This really feels forced, ya know?  Really doesn't seem "in character" for what we know about Lou... he always seemed so even-keeled.  I get that this is a horrendous (and avoidable) situation, but... he's really ripping into Andy here.  What's more, while he's reading him the riot act, he isn't exactly making any suggestions for what the police ought to have done.

This is just a rotten situation, no matter how you slice it.  A poor (relatively) innocent kid, who was in the wrong place at the wrong time... with the wrong people, wound up dying.  Andy stammers for a bit... he's at a loss for words.  After all, he was just doing his job!  The problem is, when you clear one group out of a condemned crackhouse, it doesn't take long for another to move in.  So, not only was Georgie's death avoidable... it also won't do much of anything to stop the drugs from being trafficked.  After Lou leaves, Jack tells Andy not to take anything he had said personally.

We follow Lou to... hey look, it's the crackhouse!  He watches as a (white) kid drops a delivery through the slot.  I don't think it's a big deal that the kid's white... but, who knows?  Anyhoo, as Lou watches... he is joined by, believe it or not... Wild Dog!  Feels like we haven't seen him in weeks!  They chat for a bit... and it's kinda contentious.  The Dog tells Lou to get in position to snap a few pics, because he's about to make some news.

And so, Wild Dog heads up to the crackhouse... with a gas can in hand.  Y'all smell where this is headed?

Naturally, the kids inside ain't keen on letting him in... but, that's okay... Jack's got himself a master key to the joint.  Once inside, he even drops some bad-ass action movie line about being the "fire inspector".  Really good stuff!

The Dog proceeds to pour gasoline all over the place... I mean, this gas can is deceptively deep.  He then presses the kids up against a wall, and dangles a lit match in front of them.  They give up the name of their boss (that's that Willie guy we met last time).  He lets them leave, but decides... what the heck, might as well burn this place down anyway!

The kids run through the kitchen, where a third is smokin' on that crack.  This goofball runs into the front room to confront Wild Dog, and winds up getting a gasoline bath for his troubles!  Our man is still rattling on about being the "fire inspector", which... isn't as funny the third and fourth time.

We wrap up with Jack pouring even more gasoline all around this kid... including onto his crack pipe!

--

A very solid and entertaining chapter!  Wild Dog doing what he does best... raising hell!  I feel like it's been a minute since we've seen him "in action", but boy-o-boy, this installment makes up for that in spades.  I mean, here he is... burning down a crackhouse!

As has been my normal complaint for this arc, I'm not a big fan of how Lou Godder is depicted.  I always looked at him as the most analytical of our Wild Dog "inner circle", but here he's just angry and ranting without taking any explanation into consideration.  Sure, this is a heavy subject... and it's being treated as such.  Lou's rant kind of cheapens the whole thing by reducing it to race.  It almost robs Georgie of his humanity... to Lou, it seems he's just a "black kid".  Maybe that's heading somewhere... maybe it's just a means to an end to get Wild Dog to burn the crackhouse down... I dunno.  Whatever it is, it's uncomfortable.

The Fire Marshall Jack scene, though?  Man... so silly, but so great.  Him spouting off tough guy lines and pouring from a seemingly never-ending gas can... that's some weird stuff.  I mean, dude actually ended the chapter by telling one of the druggies that "smoking is hazardous to his health".  Corny, but great!

Overall... looks like we're ending this issue of Action Comics Weekly on a high point.  Had a lot of fun with this feature, as I normally do... it's still so weird to me that Wild Dog never got a shot at his own ongoing title!

Tomorrow: Tick-Tock, we draw ever closer to the end of the project!

ACW #638 - Phantom Lady

Action Comics Weekly #638 (Phantom Lady)
"Toast of the Capitol"
Writer - Len Strazewski
Pencils - Chuck Austen
Inks - Gary Martin
Letters - John Costanza
Colors - Glenn Whitmore
Editor - Mark Waid

I come to you today from... a weird place.  In fact, it's a brand new place.  Well, kinda... ya see, yesterday morning... just a few moments after wrapping up the Superman piece, I retired to the couch to finish up on some light reading about Applied Behavior Analysis for class.

So, I'm sittin' there, right?  Kinda rested into the corner of the couch... got my feet up on the coffee table.  Get about a chapter deep into the day's reading, when I decide... maybe I'd be more comfortable if I were sitting on the other end of the couch.  Don't know why I'd think that way... it's not like there was anything impeding my current comfort levels.

Whatever the case, I decide to scoot to the other side.  In so doing, I kinda bounce my butt over... and slowly (ever so slowly) swing my legs over to the side I was moving from.  Well... as my legs swung from left to right... they whacked (remember, ever so slowly) into my coffee cup... which in turn, spilled allllllllllllllllllllllllll over my laptop.

And... again, I can't state enough just how softly the impact was... it was like being in a car crash.  I watched as the cup slowly tipped over... and every drop of my coffee spilled in between the keys on the keyboard.  Dumbfounded, I sat there staring at it for a few seconds... then realized... oh crap (well, I didn't say 'crap') I'd better do something!

I picked up the cup... and set it down next to the laptop.  I picked up the laptop, and flipped the sucker over in hopes that the thing would drain out.  When I flipped the laptop... get this, I hit the friggin' coffee cup again, spilling what little was left all over my phone and Apple TV remote!  Are ya kidding me?!  Luckily (for the phone and remote), there wasn't too much coffee left over.

I let the laptop "bleed out" for the better part of an hour.  I thought about grabbing a hair dryer, but the only one we have blows hot... didn't think that would be best.  After waiting... and wiping, I was left with a squeaky clean laptop... that, well... no longer worked.

Well, the keyboard didn't work anyway.  The touchscreen... sorta worked, so I was able to at least get some files where I wanted them to be... and, unfortunately, do some price-checking on a new rig.

I wound up picking up just a newer version of what I already had (an HP Envy).  Found a new laptop... with a ton more features than my six year-old unit... which costs probably less than half of what I paid for that one back in 2012 or so!

So... today's piece is dedicated to my old laptop.  We had a lot of good times together... we graduated college together, we started a blogging and podcasting dealie together, it's the end of an era.  I didn't mean to kill ya... I promise!  I'll still use you as a backup tablet, should the need ever arise!

So, that was my Saturday... how was yours?

--

Our story picks up as Dee arrives at the Capitol.  The weaselly Roger Richter is there waiting for her... and, well, he sees right through her disguise.  Not sure if it was due to her comically over-sized shades falling off, or if maybe Roger is a bit too obsessed with the young Ms. Tyler.  Anyhoo, they're there just as a trio of ninjas terrorists have kidnapped the (Vice) President (and Speaker of the House)... it's now up to them to prove that they're bad enough dudes/dudettes to rescue the Veep!  Worth noting, this VP looks nothing like George Bush nor Dan Quayle... so I'm not sure when this is supposed to be happening.

Dee plans her next move, and decides to go with... well, her only move to this point, the little hologram projector she has on her suit.  She engages her holo-brooch, and charges toward the baddies.  Only, they see her as an absolute army of Phantom Ladies!  Oh, also... Dee's cabbie calls her Phantom Lady, because he drove the original around back in the 40's.

She gets the drop on the goons, which is all well and good.  Unfortunately, Roger Richter attempts to prove what a stud he is by running in waving his la pistola around.  This gets him swooshed in flames by the giant armor-wearing terrorist.  Dee delivers a missile drop kick, hurting her foot in the process.  Whoops.

The cabbie gets involved and tackles one of the smaller terrorists, before succumbing to the sheer number of 'em.  There were, two of them, by the way.  With the cabbie on the ground, one kicks him with such force that... I dunno, if you have small children around, you might want to shield their eyes.  I've never seen a beating like this before.  I mean, look at the hatred and vitriol behind this kick.  I will see this every time I close my eyes for awhile.

Back by the steps, Dee is in the clutches of the armored goon... and he proceeds to squeeze the stuffin' out of her.  Here's another panel that makes me feel uncomfortable, but for a different reason.  Feels like Chuck Austen spent a little too much time and effort getting this one "just right".

Anyhoo, ahem... Phantom Lady uses that little wrist-mounted laser to bore a hole into the metal-man's head, and he finally lets go.

The li'l terrorists go to flee, and so Dee makes a hologram of a van barreling toward them.  This causes them to swerve into a light pole.

We wrap up with the metal man removing his helmet... and revealing that, you guessed it, Guerrehart is behind the whole thing!  Who's Guerrehart?  Well, he's the only bad guy we've met to this point, so naturally he's the brains of the operation.

--

Hmm...

This is a weird one, because... I kinda feel like it's not that great, but I can't lie... I'm having a lot of fun with it.  It's just so silly and, I dunno... for a story about terrorists, it's kinda "light".  Even the Austen art, which I know isn't all that great... I'm really enjoying!  It just fits the tone of the story... if that makes any sense.  It might not make any sense, actually... because I couldn't even put into words what I think the "tone" of the story is!

I still find Dee's costume to be pretty ridiculous... however, with the way she's drawn, I'm not entirely convinced it's not supposed to be a bit "much"... and by "much" I mean "way too little".  It, again, fits the nebulous "tone" of the story.

I appreciate the all-too-brief callback to the original Phantom Lady.  That connective tissue, for whatever reason, really aids in my enjoyment.  I know I can drone on (and on) about my affinity for "lore", but... ey, I am what I am... and I know what I like.

Overall... this was an okay chapter, that I probably enjoyed way too much... and probably for all of the wrong reasons.  I think this is the halfway point for ol' Dee... so, we're rapidly approaching our climax!

Tomorrow: Burning Down the House!

ACW #638 - Superman

Action Comics Weekly #638 (Superman)
"The Power Within"
Editor - Mike Carlin
Colors - Tom Ziuko
Letters - Bill Oakley
Inks - Murphy Anderson
Pencils - Curt Swan
Writer - Roger Stern
Special Thanks - Tom Peyer

It's Superman Day... and it might just be the last time we gotta slog through with the Fellowship!  Fingers crossed, right?

--

Darkseid does his thing to the Consortium geeks, and explains to Superman that he's only here to follow up on his little experiment.  Then, he vanishes!  Superman feels pretty bad about not being able to save those Consortium guys...

... to which, the lead-lady of the Fellowship (whose name escapes me), is totally fine with Darkseid wiping them out... considering that the Consortium was responsible for the raid (and subsequent massacre) of the Fellowship that we witnessed back in "flashback land".

Superman tries to set her straight... including stifling another attempt at referring to him as "Holy One".  He then gives her the lay of the land... ya know, Darkseid gave them the power... and in so doing, took away some of their free will.  He continues to lecture them for awhile before flying away.

The woman (Tierra!) laments the fact that they have been foresaken, to which... our old creepy friend, Bob Galt suggests that Superman did not abandon them... he freed them.  Fair enough?

--

Man... could this be the last time we have to see Bob Galt and the Fellowship?!  That's not a rhetorical question, folks... this is me begging and pleading with whoever's in charge for this to be the end of 'em!

It's kind of "out with a whimper" though, innit?  I mean, we've spent 38 weeks, and 76 pages building to this scene... and, it's kind of a cop-out, right?  Just a lecture, a lesson-learned... and that's it?  Blech.  Not worth the build... and yet, somehow... this is one of the only things from Action Comics Weekly that DC Comics bothered to collect in trade paperback?  I know the company is known for making some of the dumbest decisions in entertainment (hello, 2020!), but... why would you waste the paper, electricity, and man-power collecting this?!

Least it looks good.

Tomorrow: Dee found her thrill, on Capitol Hill

ACW #638 - Hero Hotline

Action Comics Weekly #638 (Hero Hotline)
Writer/Colors - Bob Rozakis
Pencils - Stephen DeStefano
Inks - Kurt Schaffenberger
Letters - Agustin Mas
Editor - Brian Augustyn

So, who remembers all the members of Hero Hotline from last week?  I mean, it's only like a dozen folks you've never seen before... or since!  It's not that hard to remember 'em all, right?!

Okayokay, here's a quick-n-dirty for ya:

The big muscle-y guy is Mr. Muscle.
The dude with the eye-gimmick is Private Eyes.
The guy who can stretch is, uh, Stretch.
The girl with the diamond on her head is Diamondette.
The kid with the fire powers is Hot Shot.
The lady who looks like a mom is Microwave Mom.
The weirdo who can throw his voice is Voice-Over.
... and SOOZI-Q as The Beaver.

Easy peasy!

--

Picking up right where we left off, Diamondette is being held up by the geek with the razor... who proves to be nothing more than a minor irritant.  Ya see, Diamondette works for Hero Hotline, and so it might stand to reason that she's got herself some super-powers.  She hi-yah's the razor... rendering the geek unarmed.  He immediately gives himself up.  We can see that newbie, Hotshot is quite taken with Ms. Diana Theotocopoulos.  Must be the Mr. Sinister-esque diamond on her forehead...

After the daring capture of the geek, SOOZ reminds Stretch that he's still got a cat to rescue from a tree.  I tell ya what, these Heroes are always on-call.  He nabs the newbie, and they head out for the save.  Meanwhile, Mister Muscle and Private Eyes are still on the Melanie Boulder case.  Turns out, she vanished while touring some meat freezers... ya see, she was about to start her "Meat is For Me" promotion.  A woman after my own heart!

While Microwavabelle is watching some microwave recipes on Cooking Avec Craig, a call comes in regarding a robbery at a liquor store downtown.  She and Voice-Over get the gig... and we learn that Microwave Mom's husband, Martin had been killed in just the area they're setting out to investigate!

Somewhere outside, Stretch and Hotshot find Nancy and Sluggo's cat.  Hotshot (who gets his code-name here) decides that he'll give rescuing it a go.

He does this by... ya know, shooting the cat in the butt with his flames.  Just like ya do.  You'd figure it might be easier... and less dangerous... for the super stretchy guy to, super-stretch and nab the bugger... but, that's not how we do things here.

We wrap up back at the meat freezers, where Brother Bicep and Private Eyes are asking around about Ms. Boulder.  They come across an old coot who refers to the lady as a "Siren of Satan"... before saying he hasn't seen her.  The heroes leave... and we come to find that the old man was (gasp) lying!  Melanie Boulder is on ice!

--

There's something to be said for "hand holding".  Ya hear it a lot these days... much of our consumable entertainment gets grief for holding our hands too much.  Look at video games, for example.  So many "current year" games are written off as being 50% tutorial and 50% actual game.  We never needed a pop-up to tell us to "Press A" for Mario to jump... or tilt your analog stick left to make him... ya know, move to the left.

I feel like this hand holding has, for the most part, made us dumber.  It's like we now expect to have our hands held sort of as a guiding force for whatever we do.  So, what's dumb bloggin' boy to do when he comes across something like Hero Hotline?  Well, besides thinking way too hard for "deep" and thought-provoking analogies, he might just find himself struggling to find the best way to present everything that happens... in a way that allows a reader to appreciate the story, while managing to identify and follow the myriad of the characters.

To be perfectly honest, this feature might've been the one I was most looking forward to... and my most dreaded.  I wanted to share this because, well, it's a lot of fun... and it's really, really weird.  At the same time, it's a tough one to keep track of... it's kind of the comics discussing/reviewing equivalent of "herding cats".

Have I blathered on long enough without saying anything?  Okay.

As a chapter, it's unsurprisingly, a lot of fun.  I am really digging the weird veteran/rookie relationship between Stretch and Hotshot.  I also appreciate Hotshot having the hots(hot) for Diamondette.  Feels like they're, in a small way, "world building" here.  We're planting seeds for future stories and potential relationships... and, to me, that's always a good thing.

We learn a little bit about Microwave Mom's past here.  Her husband was murdered... which is something I didn't even remember.  Her tag-team partner for this latest outing (Voice-Over) remains my favorite member of the team.

The Melanie Boulder sub-plot... is probably the one that will leave the biggest mark on the team (in the form of a new member), but... it's kind of the dullest thing going at the moment.

Well, we're at the halfway point for this feature... no sooner will we learn all these folks' names, than they'll be nyoinked out of our pages!  Oh well, whattayagonnado?  I hope you're all enjoying this one!

Tomorrow: The Fellowship... freed!

ACW #638 - Demon

Action Comics Weekly #638 (Demon)
"The Road to Hell"
Writer - Alan Grant
Pencils - Mark Pacella
Inks - Bill Wray
Letters - John Costanza
Colors - Tatjana Wood
Editor - Dan Raspler

Demon Day is here.  Hey, he's on the cover too.

Yeah, don't have much more to say about that, pre-rambles can't all be winners (or izzit, can't ever)... let's just get into it!

--

We open with Glenda and Randu at the Gotham City Airport trying to board a plane with the Philosopher's Stone.  Looks like the 1989-approximation of the T.S.A. has a bit of a problem with that, which strikes me as kind of odd.  I mean, the "stone" is more like a little rock.  I know plenty of people who would take home rocks and shells from the places they've been... nobody says boo!  Maybe they'd be more trepadacious in the post 9/11 world... but, this just looks like an excuse to draw attention to it.  Fine for what it is, I s'pose.  Meanwhile over at the Hill, Jason Blood is attacked by that weird warrior.  The Warrior himself summons Etrigan, which... gotta say, probably isn't in its best interests.

Indeed, over the course of the next handful of panels, Etrigan absolutely wrecks the dude!

The Demon then tells Blood that he's headed toward Tintagel, which is a place in England with ties to the Arthurian Legends.  Stands to reason that Morgaine LeFey might just be lurking around there.  When Blood wakes up, he hitches a ride.

We shift scenes to somewhere else, where Merlin has been strung up by a weirdo demon-beast... thing.  The baddie drinks a big ol' swig of the Magician's blood, as he waits for their guests to arrive.

We wrap up at Heathrow Airport, where poor Glenda is still getting static about her "pet rock".  With a wave of his hand, Randu gets the T.S.A.-adjacent fellow to back off.  Kinda begs the question why he didn't just lead with that.  Glenda peeks into the stone, and sees... a witch!  Is it Morgaine LeFey?  Is it someone else altogether??  Do we care either way???  I know the answer to at least one of those questions!

--

This feels like a chapter that could've been summed up in a single comics page.  I guess that might be unfair, so many of these latter Action Comics Weekly stories feel the same way... but, it seems especially true here.

I'm really struggling to come up with anything to say.  Can't say the story is bad, or even all that dull (which I initially feared), but... ehh, it kinda just "happened"?  A stop-gap between last week's cliffhanger, and Jason Blood's trip to Tintagel... with a dash of getting Glenda and Randu into the playing field.

Not bad... serviceable.  Art's nice!

Tomorrow: Operators are (still) standing by!

ACW #638 - Speedy

Action Comics Weekly #638 (Speedy)
"Exiles, Part III"
Writer - Mark Verheiden
Pencils - Louis Williams
Inks - Frank McLaughlin
Letters - Tim Harkins
Colors - Julianna Ferriter
Editor - Robert Greenberger

Heyyy, izzat a Jack Kirby cover on our Action Comics Weekly?  Howzaboutdat?  Unfortunately, I'm not usually of the mind that Kirby always equals better.  Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan... but, this just looks like a re-purposed pin-up.

Welp, I suppose we'd better get used to lookin' at it... it ain't goin' anywhere for a week!  On that subject, wait'll you get a load of next week's cover... cuz, talk about woof.

--

We open with a news reporter reporting on a demonstration going on outside of a local AIDS Hospice.  Some dude in a hardhat talks about how he doesn't want none'a this in his backyard.  We see that Speedy (in full costume) and his new boss Burley are watching this on a bar television set.  They have very different opinions on the AIDS epidemic... I'm sure you can pick out which side of the argument both find themselves on.  It's almost cartoonish in their opposition here.  Roy stands up for the rights of those with AIDS... Burley immediately insinuates that Roy's gay.  Cartoonish... zero subtlety here.  Roy stomps out of the bar (again, in full costume), and heads over to a pay phone to ring up that woman who he'd saved from the purse-snatcher a couple of weeks back.  His call, however, is interrupted by the arrival of a towncar.

After a pair of heavies... who just parked their boat on the sidewalk... inform Speedy that "dey're boss wantsta tawk to 'im" about the Lossner Investigation.  And so, without any question, our second-favorite archer hops into the back of the hooptie.  They arrive at the sprawling mansion of the Hollywood actor, Sean Bauman.  He might be an Arnold Schwarzenegger stand-in, only with He-Man's haircut.

So, what's the deal with all'a this anyway?  Well, ya see... Bauman's real name is, are you ready... Phillip Lossner.  He's the brother of the missing Donald Lossner... and the guy who put Burley Investigations on the case!  Out by the pool, they compare notes... and lemme tell ya, Phil ain't pleased to learn that his brother has the AIDS.  He lashes out at Roy... calls him a liar... threatens him... all that jazz.

Speedy realizes that this conversation ain't going anywhere productive, and so he gets all "screw this" and heads for the door.  Bauman's heavies grab him before he can... and the A-Lister gets in Roy's face and accuses him of spreading lies in order to ruin his career as a leading man.

Roy manages to hiptoss the heavies, and... for whatever reason, he just starts firing gimmick arrows all over the place.  Like, explosive ones... which, I suppose makes sense if he's trying to escape, but... here's the thing: Bauman's compound is littered with (I assume) innocent civilians!  Roy's willy-nilly arrow-slinging seems more than a bit irresponsible and reckless here.

Roy fights his way to the garage, and goes to steal one of Bauman's motorcycles in order to make his escape.  Then... oh boy... then, we wrap up with Bauman... who stopped chasing Roy long enough to get into a Randy Violent costume (headband and all), shows up brandishing a big-ass gun!

--

Wow, this was bad.

I mean, I'm not one to usually just come out and say something like that... but, wow.  This was just so dumb.  I'm not even sure where to start with this one.

I guess we'll go beat-by-beat.

The AIDS crisis/hospice scenario presents itself with a "teachable moment"... which, our writer doesn't take advantage of.  That, to me, is a bad thing for the message of the story... but also, a good thing in that it kinda zigs where I was expecting it to zag.  I figured Roy would hop up on his soapbox to lecture Burley about how HIV/AIDS is actually transmitted... which, again... good for the "message", bad for an entertaining read.

Of course, this scene is still written with very little subtlety... Burley immediately accuses Roy of being gay.  Which, c'mon... what grade are you in, pal?  You'd figure Roy would be like, "wow, you're kind of an a-hole" and maybe leave to fill out that application at Del Taco like he threatened a few weeks ago... but, nope.

Instead, he heads out to try and make time with that girl who's purse he saved last week.  Unfortunately for him, the heavies arrive.  Now, here's another one of those missed moments.  Roy hops into the back seat of their car without any questions.  Last week, we had that really great scene where he was dealing with his inner conflict... he's a hero, but he's also a father.  You'd almost expect that to at least waft through his head here.  Ya know?  Like, thinking about how dangerous it is to get into a stranger's car... especially when you've got a little baby (who's getting younger every chapter) to consider!  But, nope.

Then we meet Sean Bauman... who is actually Donald Lossner's super-secret brother, Phillip.  He doesn't cotton to the idea that his brother has AIDS... and assumes that Speedy's just trying to screw with his career.  So, what does he plan to do?  Kill Speedy?!  Isn't that just a little bit harsher than the public finding out that his brother has AIDS?!

Then, Speedy starts flingin' splody arrows everywhere... which is, ya know, dumb.  Then... THEN... Roy tries to steal the Bauman-cycle... which is, also dumb.  But, then... dumbest of all, he's confronted by Sean Bauman... who stopped, mid-chase, to tie a headband around he noggin, and squeeze into a pair of Randy Violent's camo-cargos!  This is just so dumb.  I really don't know what they're thinking here.

Here's the question though... did I hate this?  No, not really.  I understand that it's awful... but, it's so over-the-top awful that it kind of passes into the realm of campy.  High energy... high impact... no regard toward consequence, just stupid mindless action.  It's bad, yes... but, I dunno, I kind of enjoyed it for just how bad it was.  Also, I think it thinks it's much deeper than it actually is, which in a case like this, almost makes it all the more endearing.

Tomorrow: The Demon Went Down to England

Action Comics Weekly #637 (1989)

Action Comics Weekly #637 (January 31, 1989)
Speedy: "Exiles, Part 2"
Demon: "Never Trust a Demon!"
Hero Hotline: "Hero Hotline"
Superman: "The Power of Darkseid!"
Phantom Lady: "Luck Be a Lady"
Wild Dog: "Crack Up, Chapter Two: Easy M$ney"
Writers - Mark Verheiden, Alan Grant, Bob Rozakis, Roger Stern, Len Strazewski, & Max Collins
Pencils - Louis Williams, Mark Pacella, Stephen DeStefano, Curt Swan, Chuck Austen, & Terry Beatty
Inks - Frank McLaughlin, Bill Wray, Kurt Schaffenberger, Murphy Anderson, Gary Martin, & John Nyberg
Letters - Tim Harkins, John Costanza, Agustin Mas, & Bill Oakley
Colors - Julianna Ferriter, Tatjana Wood, Bob Rozakis, Tom Ziuko, Glenn Whitmore, & Carl Gafford
Editors - Robert Greenberger, Dan Raspler, Brian Augustyn, Mike Carlin, & Mark Waid
Cover Price: $1.50

What a week it's been.  Full of fun and adventure, but I'm glad it's behind me.  If you're interested in hearing about my trip back to New York City, and you're an ACW "trade waiter", you can check out yesterday's piece for all those wildly dull details!

Not a whole lot to say about this issue overall... besides the fact that this is more-or-less going to be the roll-call until we wrap up this project!  What we see, is what we're gonna get from this point on (with a couple of exceptions).

This week's cover comes to us from Jerome Moore... and, I gotta say, it's quite a striking image.  I'm not convinced it makes for a great cover... but, that's been an Action Comics Weekly problem since the get-go.

Let's take a peek at the results of our first "new look" poll!

Unsurprisingly, Wild Dog takes the win!  With all the hoopla going on at home this week, I actually forgot to vote... though, if I had... it would've been for Wild Dog anyway!  It was definitely the strongest feature... and might just be a lock to make it two in a row!

Speaking of which, this week's poll welcomes the Hero Hotline into contention!  Vote in good health, my friends!

Best Story in Action Comics Weekly #637?

Speedy Demon Hero Hotline

Superman Phantom Lady Wild Dog

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We pick up where we left off last chapter... Speedy is facing down a dude with a gun.  He immediately recognizes the man's erratic behaviors (ya know, outside of brandishing a pistol) as his probably being high on drugs.  A police officer arrives, which only heightens the sense of urgency... and makes this baddie's trigger-finger even itchier.  He squeezes off a few shots, but Roy is able to fire off a blunt-ended arrow which disarms the dude.  Afterwards, our man chats up the woman whose purse had been nyoinked... and, get this, asks her out to dinner.  She's down with it... even referring to him as "sexy".  I dunno, from this angle it looks like he could stand in as a doorknob at Beauty and the Beast's house, but... whatta I know?

We jump ahead to Roy meeting with William "Just Call Me Bill" Rettick, the owner and manager of the shop where Donald Lossner worked.  If you recall, and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't... Roy is working for a P.I. named Burley, and his first case is tracking down some information about this Lossner.  So, after Rettick fanboys out over meeting one of the Teen Titans, he gives Roy the run-around.  When the subject of Donald Lossner comes up, the tone shifts, and "Just Call Me Bill" gets all mum and angry.

Speedy's next stop will by Lossner's old apartment.  It's so weird seeing him dressed in his Robin Hood gimmick (bow and arrow in hand), in broad daylight, sitting on a public bus... as a grown-up.  Oh well.  He gets to the place, and gets more of the run-around.  Lossner's old landlord clearly wasn't a fan'o the man... and he's got himself a big ol' bruiser to try and convince Roy to back-off.  Hmm, didn't we recently see something just like this?

The Landlord warns his heavy to "be careful" because ol' Robin Hood "probably got it too".  Got "it" too... are we really going down this road again?!  Roy kayos the creep, because... of course he does.  The landlord then grabs a 2x4 and proceeds to swing it in Speedy's direction.  This doesn't work out so well for him.

That night, Roy is spending some time with Lian... who, I'm sorry, is drawn to look something like a Capuchin monkey here.  Like, is this Yorick playing with Ampersand?  Anyhoo, he hears a police siren from outside and instinctively gets up as though he's going to attend to whatever the situation may be.  That is, until he remembers that he's a daddy now, first and foremost.  It's difficult for him to do, but he lets the police do their job, while he gets back to his.

We wrap up the following day.  Speedy is popping in on Burley to provide an update on the Lossner case.  He winds up meeting Rettick's secretary instead, who offers up a bit of information... turns out, Donald Lossner disappeared after he was diagnosed with... you guessed it... AIDS.

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So... another AIDS story.  I guess it's timely... relevant... all that jazz.  Not sure I wanna jump right back into one after that over-long Black Canary arc, but... I guess it's really not up to me, now is it?

Let's talk about the surreal nature of seeing Roy Harper... dressed as Speedy... carrying his bow and arrow... in broad daylight.  That's just... I dunno... weird, no?  It's not often I consider the notion that a superhero/vigilante might have to rely on public transit in order to go about their daily business... and, to be completely honest, I probably could've gone on just as well without actually seeing it!

It really pulled me out of the story... made it feel as though, at any moment, a couple of guys in white coats were going to start chasing our man around with a butterfly net.  I mean, couldn't Roy wear his costume... like, under a trenchcoat or something?  Is he really so destitute that we couldn't afford to draw him a jacket?  So weird.  Maybe our artist just isn't good at drawing trench coats?

Tell ya one thing, our artist seems to be really interested in drawing chins!  Big ol', chunky, well-defined chins.  So much attention goes into this one part of Roy's anatomy, that the rest of him almost feels unfinished!  Hell, in a few panels here... the art was unfinished!  Sleeves were missing, lines were omitted... that could've been an inking or coloring error, but holy cow... they never missed a chin!

Keeping with the art.  What happened to poor Lian?  Not only did this ragamuffin get de-aged back into diapers... now, she looks like she ought to be walking on all fours.  Eesh.  I will say, however, this scene was probably the strongest of the chapter.  Roy battling that internal conflict over what his role in the world should be was pretty powerful stuff.  Is he a hero?  Is he a father?  Can he be both?  Really great scene... I hope we get more like that in the coming weeks.

Overall... a decent enough chapter, plenty of stuff to enjoy.  Roy as the world's gaudiest Private Investigator was pretty neat... as was his stopping to chat up the purse-snatching victim.  The aforementioned scene with Lian was definitely the best bit of this, and might be worth it all on its own as a study in what changes when you go from kid-sidekick to adult-hero.
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We pick up where we left off last week... Etrigan looks like he's about to make a snack out of the young boy that Jason Blood had just exorcised.  Jason ain't digging this, and attempts to call the Demon off.  I... hmm... I thought that this was a transformation-situation, and not a case of these two being actual disparate physical beings.  Maybe I'm missing something... heck, I might just be flat-out wrong.  I can't claim to be an expert in Demon-ology.  There's a bit of a standoff... until Blood threatens to slit his wrists... so, maybe they do share a body and this "meeting" is more ethereal than it appears?

As the dust settles and the smoke clears, Blood informs the woman who hired him last issue that her son will be okay.  He arrives back at his Sanctum Whateverthehell, and is informed about Glenda's vision in the Philosopher's Stone.  He's not quite sure what to make of it, as, since Merlin disappeared... the Stone ain't done bupkis.  She is finally able to convince him that she saw something... something having to do with the resurrection of Morgaine LeFey.

Blood springs into action... well, he books a flight to England anyway.  We join him there as he drives by iconic locales like Stonehenge, the Chalk Horses, and Silbury Hill.  He ponders just what Silbury Hill is all about.

And... as if on cue, the mound is struck by lightning!  From it bursts... well, some helmeted-dude on a horse.

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This isn't bad... I'm just having trouble bringing myself to care.

It's perfectly enjoyable, for what it is... and appears to be interested in telling a story, rather than meandering like so many of our ACW features have done during their earlier chapters.

I am a bit confused about the relationship between Jason Blood and Etrigan.  I'd always assumed it was a Hulk/Banner sort of situation.  Maybe it is?  Maybe it, like the Hulk/Banner situation, evolves and changes throughout the years?  I dunno.

That's one thing I feel like this feature could do better... provide context.  Here, while Glenda, Randu, and Blood are chatting... there are callbacks to previous stories.  At least I assume they are, it's not like we get any editorial footnotes to let us know where we might find those previous stories.

I guess the fact that I don't hate this is a good sign... sometimes that's all we can hope for!
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We open with the fella we're going to eventually know as Hotshot reporting to work for his first day at the Hero Hotline.  Being a spritely young eighteen year-old, his mother insists on coming along to check out the place.  Like any teen-ager would be, he is pretty mortified.  They see the folks we're eventually going to know as Mister Muscle... Flex... Mister Mighty... Brother Bicep (uh, this dude likes to change it up) and Stretch.  The former has his hands quite full... and the latter is, well... an a-hole.  They eventually run into the robot, who we will eventually know as SOOZIE-Q (or, 500-2Q, if you prefer).  She isn't much help either... she just refers them to the TV Set in charge before checking in on Mr. Muscle/Flex/et-cetera.

As Miste-err, the big guy... interrogates the baddie he just brought it, he appears to get a little bit of lip.  Turns out it's just the Hero Hotline member, Voice-Over... who has the ability to throw his voice.  Ventriloquism powers seem pretty useful in the field, don't they?  Suddenly, a job comes over the TV... turns out the famed country and western singer Melanie Boulder has gone missing.  Melanie Boulder, it's worth noting, apparently has... large... uh, boulders.  The fella get all excited about this gig, and even wrangle the fella we will eventually know as Private Eyes in on it.

Somewhere across the room, SOOZ is welcoming Hotshot to the team... he goes on to demonstrate his powers to control fire and what-not, which gets him a "talking to" from his mother.  In response, Stretch... uh, stretches himself into a shovel, and scoops her out of the panel.

Hotshot gives Stretch a thank you pat-on-the-back... which is not appreciated in the slightest.  In fact, Stretch absolutely loses his crap... and starts screaming at the newbie for... whatever reason.  Ya see, Stretch is an old-timer... and doesn't seem to cotton to these kids walking in off the street to join "this business".

Next, we meet Microwavabelle or Microwave Mom... who, actually introduces herself by her code-name!  How 'bout that!  She demonstrates her powers by reheating Stretch's cuppa coffee.

Just then, another job comes in... a special one for Stretch.  Now, if you have the ability to stretch, Plastic Man, Elongated Man or Mister Fantastic style... what better gig would there be for you than... rescuing cats from trees?  Stretch... isn't amused.  In fact, he absolutely loses his crap... again.

Elsewhere in the room, that Baddie that Flex brought in has managed to free himself from the interrogation chair... and is holding up the entire Hero Hotline with... uh, like a straight razor?  Okay.  Before he can escape, however... the girl we'll eventually know as Diamondette enters to announce that she's been accepted to Medical School!  She doesn't get long to celebrate, however... because this baddie promises to give her a "close shave" if the gang doesn't cooperate!

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Well... um... this would be what we in the biz call a "synopsizer's worst nightmare".  A whole slew of crazy characters, off-the-wall action... and, ya know... zero in the way of context.  Don't get me wrong, it's a lot of fun... but, the whole time I'm reading it, I'm worrying how I'm ever going to be able to actually describe it.  Thankfully we have already discussed the Hero Hotline at this blog, otherwise... oi, I couldn't imagine how tough this would have been to get through.  On a purely "synopsizing" level, that is... the story itself is a lot of fun.

I'm going to include some of the information included in lieu of a letters page at the end of Hero Hotline #1 (1989).  It shares a bit more about the characters, and might make this a bit easier to digest.  Click'em to make'em bigger.

So, where do we even begin?  Maybe with just how odd it is to see a story like this in the pages of Action Comics?  I mean, if you ask me, this is the sort of thing we should have been getting the entire time during the Action Comics Weekly experiment.  There should've always been an "oddball" offering... a story/feature/arc that wasn't afraid not to play it straight.  Something silly.  It's crazy to consider that it's taken us this long to get a purely comedic/satiric story in these pages!

The characters we meet are wacky, but... even in these short and frantic eight-pages, we can already tell that they have that nebulous quality of "heart"... and I'm really looking forward to "meeting" these characters all over again with you.  If I'm remembering right, they will be more-or-less fleshed out over the course of this arc, and we'll have plenty more to say about them as we proceed.
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Ba-Boom... it's Darkseid.  See ya tomorrow, everybody!

Okay, okay... Darkseid is revealed as the mastermind of this "Holy War" between the Fellowship of Superman and the Consortium.  After a brief expository introduction for the rocky Apokoliptan ruler, we learn a little bit more about our present situation.

Ya see, Darkseid put all of this together as sort of a social experiment.  He was intrigued with the concept of "fanaticism" and wondered just how far humans would go to show their devotion.  Turns out, they'll go pretty far... especially when bestowed with amazing powers.

Superman asks how many lives have been lost in the name of Darkseid's twisted "science project"... to which, D-Side calmly replies, "thirty-four".  Love that.

The baddie then turns his attention to the Consortium... and after giving them their due props for orchestrating much of this Holy War, he... uh... banishes them to the Scream-Centers of Apokolips.  Heckuva "gold watch" retirement, I must say!

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Alright... here we finally go!

It's fitting, in a way, that this whole magilla comes down to Darkseid just being kind of bored, and while waiting for the right opportunity to, ya know, take over the Earth... is killing time conducting a little social experiment.  This whole story, to this point, has been a non-event... and learning that it's born out of something similarly mundane... I dunno, actually kinda makes it work?  Sorta?  On a meta "Chris is projecting his feelings into this story" kind of way?

Really not much more to say though... I mean, no matter how good it is (and it's worlds better than what we usually get), it's still like... a dozen talky panels.  They're good panels... but, unfortunately, they don't give me too terribly much to blather on about.
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We open with a trench-coated Dee Tyler flashing a bouncer in order to gain entry into a night club.  Dude is bamboozled and gobsmacked by the sight, and gives her the "thumbs up".  Inside the joint, we get probably the second cringiest "ta-da" costume reveal that we've seen in the pages of Action Comics Weekly (just a peg below Dinah's new-look Canary costume early on in her run).  The fellas inside can't help but fawn over her in any case.

She chats up the bartender, looking for information on a man named Farid.  The barkeep plays dumb, until she offers him a little bit of "Vitamin C"... as in, a C-Note.  His memory miraculously returns... and he starts spillin' the beans.  He also, for whatever reason, gives her a vial of a strange liquid.  She proceeds to pour it into her drink... and, again, for whatever reason, slides the thing across the bar... smashing into some other guys' drinks.  I... feel like I'm missing something here.  Was this supposed to come across as "bad ass" or something?  Because, it didn't.

We follow Dee into Farid's office, where we learn that this specimen has something to do with the arms deal we heard a little bit about last week.  He isn't completely forthcoming with information.  In fact, when she mentions Guerrehart, Farid plays dumb.

Dee is able to use her feminine wiles to get him to come around.  She learns that there will be some Senators doing something at the Capitol.  Not sure exactly what they're going to be doing... but, I'm sure it'll be important for the story!  Farid goes to wrap his arms around our Phantom Lady... only to discover that she's a hologram, maaaaaaan.  Looks like Dee's roommate, Sarah is a holographic genius, or something.

Farid responds by... pulling a gun!  Yikes.  Dee narrowly escapes the night club, beating down goons all along the way.  We wrap up with her hopping into a cab, and telling the hack to floor it to the Capitol.

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This... really isn't all'at great, is it?

At first blush, this feels like just a series of cool/"bad ass" moments, strung together by a pretty weak narrative.  Like, we're supposed to come away from this thinking that Dee is just the coolest character around... but at the same time, it's so over-the-top that it comes across as more dorky than anything.

That over-the-top-ness leads to a severe lack in subtlety... everyone here feels like a cartoon character.  Chuck Austen's art here doesn't help matters much either.  I mean, look at this murderer's row of dorkiness we meet here!  From the bouncer to the barkeep to Farid himself... eesh.  Dooooooooorks.

On that note... the big costume reveal.  Yikes.  Reminiscent of Dinah's post-burning ta-da from back in the day.  I will say, at least this reveal didn't make coffee shoot out of my nose like that one did.  If you need a refresher/reminder... here ya go:

Yeah, still can't help but to hear that RuPaul song!  Yikes.
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Picking up where we left off last time, li'l Georgie Washington is being sold on working as a look-out for slick Willie.  Well, perhaps I'm selling him short, this balding teen-ager is being offered the opportunity not only to act as a look-out, but also to go on food runs!  Movin' on up!  Georgie is a bit hesitant, but can't turn down the "big dough"... fifty bucks a day!  He agrees to come aboard, but first, he'll have to quit his job at the Wheeler Garage... in person.  Big Willie understands, and even tosses him some advance cash to buy a new bike!  Jack is cool with Georgie quitting the gig... though voices his opinion that he hopes the "better job" he's leaving for is on the up-and-up.

We jump ahead, and join Quad Cities Finest as they patrol the neighborhood where Big Willie's drug den resides.  Ya see, they know there's some shady going's on... going on in this neck'a the woods, and are already assembling a SWAT team to raid the joint.

The next day, Georgie (and his receding hairline) has arrived for his first day of making the "big dough".  He knocks on the drop-house door, and has a few bucks tossed at him from the mail slot.  The fellas inside want some burgers and fries.  As Georgie gleefully rides off toward the nearest Big Mac dispensary, Lt. Andy Flint and his team are suiting up to begin the bust.

George returns with the goods, and despite his best efforts, is unable to slide the burgers and fries's's's through the little mail slot.  And so, the fella inside opens up... just as the Police make their way onto the property!

One of the drug-denners grabs for his... I dunno, do we call this a "semi-automatic"?  I know less than nothing about guns.  At first blush it looks kind of like a child-size Uzi.  Anyhoo, he opens fire through the walls... and so, the police return that fire.  Well, fair is fair?

The drug-denners pretty much immediately surrender... none'a them really wanna die.  There's just one problem though... this raid didn't go without casualty.  Anybody wanna guess who took a bullet to the chest?  Anyone?  C'mon... it's a gimme!  Okay, okay... li'l Georgie Washington is dead.

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Well, it's taken awhile, but finally... there's a dead kid in the pages of Wild Dog.  Smart money was on this happening in the previous arc, what with Wild Pup running around, but I feel like there will be a greater impact here.

Georgie Washington wasn't so much a "bad kid"... he was just a kid who got wrapped up in bad things.  He's trying to (I assume) help his family... so, we get that altruistic-y/moral-ethical conundrum sort of dynamic here.  Doing bad things for all the right reasons.  Just in all the wrong places at all the wrong times.

I'm very interested to see where this is headed.  After Lou Godder's weird racial-rant last week, I wonder if he's going to try and make something out of this with the Quad Cities P.D.?  I wonder how Jack's going to react to learning that his former employee was killed?  I think there are plenty of interesting directions this might go... only, there aren't all that many chapters of this story left ahead of us.  Hopefully we can get to a satisfying conclusion in the next four weeks.

Overall, a great... though, moderately cliche, outing.  The art here... and this isn't something I normally notice, was quite lacking in backgrounds.  A lot of characters on plain white backgrounds this time out.  Maybe this is normal for Beatty, and I've just never noticed it?  But, here... for whatever reason, it really stood out to me.

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