BIZARRO BREAK #11 - Batman 5.0

BIZARRO BREAK #11 (Batman 5.0)
"Batman: Upgrade 5.0"
By Dean Haglund & Peter Murrieta
Art by Don Simpson
Edits - Joey Cavalieri

It's been a minute since our last #BizarroBreak... and, it looks like I was pretty well overdue (apologies in advance!).

These certainly aren't the most popular or loved posts at this ol' site, but... desperate times call for desperate measures.  This week, time's sort of at a premium for your humble host... first, I'm a grad student, and... it's finals week.  Second, it's the last week of the month, which means I'm elbow-deep in another of my "creative endeavors".

Baptisms by Baubier... and much, much more!
From Claremont to Claremont: An X-Men Podcast, Episode 2... this Saturday!

I don't usually "cross the streams", so to speak between my audio and written works... but, heck... why not, right?  Some of the readers may know that I've just launched a pretty extensive podcast series called From Claremont to Claremont: An X-Men Podcast, which looks at all of the X-Men/X-Related books from the time Chris Claremont left the X-Books in 1991 to his return near a decade later.  We're about to launch the second episode (hoping to have a semi-steady "first Saturday of the month" schedule)... and, there's just a ton of material here.  The first episode was ten hours long... and, after well over a hundred hours of prep, scripting, and recording... it also took me about 13 hours to edit!  So... with all that having been said, time is a crunch this week... so, Bizarro it is!

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We open with Batman receiving a package from ACMESoft... which, doesn't inspire a whole lot of hope, does it?  It's his brand-new 5.0 Operating System, with which he's certain to catch even more criminals.  And so, he sets to the arduous installation process.  He's given the option to register the software, but decides he'll come back to that later... only to learn that he can't install the stuff until he actually does register it!  I... get that this is sort of "relatable"... buuuut, does that make it funny?

Anyhoo, Batman goes ahead and registers... and gets back to the installation.  Twenty-minutes later, after the OS finally makes itself at home on the Bat-Computer, our hero is informed that, before all changes can go into effect, he's going to have to... restart his computer.  Again... we've all been there... but, is watching Batman suffer the same install-waiting-game something we need to see?

Of course, one difference between Batman and we common rabble is... his computer is a lot cooler than ours, and is actually hardwired to a nuclear reactor.  And so, when he restarts, it risks a whole lot more than "lost data", if you know what I mean.  We jump ahead five hours... after Batman has dealt with a near-nuclear-meltdown.  He's ready to try out his new OS, only to discover that... wonk, wonk, wonnnnnnk... it's incompatible with just about everything he already had on his system!  All of the new features are either useless or wildly inconvenient.  Heyyy... that's like a lot of updates we get in the real world... wakka wakka.

Batman has no choice but to engage with... something probably less pleasant than even the Joker: PC tech support.  Of course, this is a belabored process... and, again... we've all been there!  Gotham City literally burns while our hero sits on hold.

He finally gets a "live body" on the line... and their first question is: "Is your computer plugged in?"

This sends Batman into an absolute rage... and before we know it, he's inside the ACMESoft offices beating the holy hell out of some poor tech support geek.  The End?

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I've often said that, when setting to write a story, if you start your pitch with "Wouldn't it be funny if...?", the answer is almost always "No."

It feels like so many times I've been in the comic shop, and I'd overhear conversations that begin with that "Wouldn't it be funny if...?", and damn near every time it results in a cringe.  It's always something that puts the heroes on a similar plane as we mere mortals, or struggling with the same mundanities we do... and, while it may be amusing to think about in a fleeting moment, it certainly isn't something that should ever be committed to paper.

The one I recall hearing most often is "Wouldn't it be funny if... Batman got stuck in traffic?".  The answer, of course, is No... that wouldn't "be funny".  Sure, we can chuckle to ourselves about how bizarre something like that would be... but, you gotta ask yourself: "Then what?"  Sure, we had a giggle... but, then what?

I mean, surely I'm thinking too hard about this... I mean, this is a Bizarro humor story, and it isn't really doing anybody any harm... but still, I just don't find this to be near as clever nor humorous as I believe it's intended to be.  The art's nice!  I'll give it that.

Out There #1 (2001)

Out There #1 (July, 2001)
Writer - Brian Augustyn
Pencils - Humberto Ramos
Inks - Sandra Hope
Colors - Studio F
Letters - Ryan Cline
Edits - Scott Dunbier
Cover Price: $2.50

Got an interesting one today... a bit strange too.  Dare I say, it's a little bit "out there".

I apologize, that was horribly lazy (it's Sunday, please forgive me)... let's just pop into the spoilery synopsis!

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We open with a young woman walking down an empty street.  Crying and confused, she calls out to her parents... or anyone who might hear her... but the streets appear to be completely abandoned.  Suddenly, she is overcome with little beasties... and before she knows it, she's whisked away to a demonic landscape where she is met by something calling itself Draedalus.  Upon getting a closer look, the girl sees her parents (and a lot of other ordinary folks) just floating in the ether, and being dumped to the ground by the Big D.

Turns out... this was all a dream!  The young woman, who we learn is named Jess, gets up and gets ready for school.

Speaking of school, that's our next stop.  It's here we meet a young genius named Mark Wexler, as he goes about his usual morning torment at the hands of some jock bullies.  After having his glasses swiped and being shoved to the ground, the Zach the Quarterback rolls in to tell his teammates to leave the kid alone.

Though he doesn't seem to really care all that much for young Master Wexler, Zach tells the team that they're not going to act as bullies.  Ya see, if they wind up getting suspended, they'll be off the team!  Just then a... bearded girl runs up and starts hugging on Zach!  Okay, I think this is just a coloring/shading snafu, but tell me it doesn't look like she has a beard!  Zach looks up to the top of the building, and could swear he saw one'a dem li'l beasties.

We jump across town to the Mayor's Mansion, where a big ol' real estate deal is in the works some of the VIPs of El Dorado City including Zach's father.  After signing on the dotted-line, the Mayor retreats to a side room to tell some beasties that the can inform their Master that she's got things well at hand.

Back at school, Jess has a contentious run-in with Zach's no-longer bearded girlfriend, Casey.  Tonight's the night of the Harvest Dance, and the mean girls are making fun of Jess because ain't nobody wants her there, or some such.  Jess promises to be a dark cloud at that dance... and declares that she'll rain all over the "bimbo parade".  Let's... choose not to take that remark literally, okay?

Later, we rejoin li'l Markie at his father's CPA offices.  Papa Wexler insists his son looks "dashing" and that he will have a great time at the Harvest Fling-Ding-Thing.  Naturally, Mark is wearing one of those stereotypical baby blue "bad tuxes"... which is also like three sizes too large.

We shift scenes to a small church.  A woman is sweeping the porch, and notes that it's gotten a little windy today.  She wonders aloud if this might be due to "them".

Later into the evening, a pair of drug-dealers enter El Dorado City.  Their dialogue here is... woof.  They talk about franchising their enterprise... with a website.  Double-You, Double-You, Double-You... dot... Smack... dot... com (which is something I just now typed into my browser... but it didn't take me anywhere.  These guys might still have a shot at the domain!).  Anyhoo, they're pulled over by the po-lice, where they're met with a vulgar abuse of authority by an Officer.  Vulgar, in that... he calls forth a bunch'a beasties to feastie on the fellas.

Finally, it's time for the Harvest Dance, and Jess has in fact decided to show up... lookin' only as she can look.  Total style shift from her usual school attire... which catches some of her classmates off-guard.  Li'l Markie watches as she shoves some goofball to the ground, and realizes... he's quite smitten.  He also, uh, sees one'a the beasties... he refers to this as his "Friendly Neighborhood Hallucination", which tells us seein' these things is a usual occurrence for the kid.

Inside, Jess bumps into Casey... and they... compliment each other's dresses!  How 'bout that?  The Harvest Dance bringin' people together!  Zach the Quarterback also feasts his eyes on Jess... and gets all homina-homina-homina... which sets Casey off somethin' fierce.  She storms out, and Zach follows.

Once in the hallway, Casey and Zach start making out against the lockers... hard.  Maybe they've got some sort of reverse-cuckold fetish or something.  I ain't gonna judge... whatever works for 'em!  Anyhoo, while they're bumping and grinding, they spy... say it with me... one'a dem beasties out the window!

Li'l Markie, proving himself to be rather a perv, might be watching these two making out?  It isn't terribly clear if this is happening in exactly the same place.  He wonders aloud where Jess is at... and it just so happens, she was standing behind him... watching him perv out?  As Jess goes to confront the kid, they both see... dem beasties!

Outside in the parking lot, one of the football players is waiting... presumably for those drug dealers we just saw get eaten.  He's confronted instead by Principal Hodges, who informs him that his "package" ain't never gonna arrive.  Hodges then... shoots the kid dead!  Two of "dem beasties" pop outta the Principal's chest... leaving him one bewildered child murderer!

We wrap up with the revelation that Jess, Mark, Casey, and Zach all watched this scene play out... but, what are they gonna do about it?!

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This was a lot of fun.  It's been in my collection... jeez, nearly twenty-years... and I've never taken a look a look at it til now.

Now, I can't say that I've seen all that many 80's horror movies, but I'm familiar enough with the conceits and themes... which, this book seems to have in spades.  That's not a knock, or a bad thing in any way.  This really takes care in pulling together many of those tropes/cliches, and delivers a really fun (and intriguing) story.

We've got the high school setting, which is pretty perfect, and gives Augustyn plenty of opportunity to play into some of the stereotypical/archetypal personalities.  We've got the "Mean Girl" clique, who are at odds with the sorta-gothy loner.  We have a football team full of meatheads and bullies, who defer to their only member who appears to have a "heart of gold"... or, at the very least, a conscience.  We have the little nerdy kid with attitude.  It's really nothing we haven't seen before (or since), but it's done with such charm and earnestness, that I can't help but to love it.

El Dorado City definitely has a big secret, as evidenced by the hoi-polois gathering at the Mayor's Mansion.  The beasties have gotten in... and we're left wondering how many of the VIPs 'round town are willingly in cahoots with them.  Their presence, at the very least, is acknowledged a few times here... the kids seem haunted by these "in the corner of their eye" demons on a regular basis... the woman at the church seems to know... and, perhaps the Officer who pulled over the drug dealers as well.  It's clear that the Mayor is aware... and is cooperating.

We get a lot of questions here... and, I'm actually wanting to know more.  That doesn't happen too often for me these days!

Let's talk art.  I know Humberto Ramos can be a bit divisive... but, I've always enjoyed his work.  This semi-early work is probably some of my favorite Ramos stuff.  The characters (outside of the weird-beard coloring goof on Casey), are all really great looking, and stand out from the rest of the crowd.  That's something that usually trips me up when reading a book full of "normal" people.  It's hard to make them look distinct... with maybe a little bit in the way of "cartoonish" identifiers, without making them look like costume shop models.  Ya know what I mean?  Does that make sense?

Being the horrible pack-rat you know me to be, it may not come as a surprise that I actually still have the Out There Promotional Preview.  It's not much of a Preview, only the first two pages.  When I thought about covering book on the site, it was actually the Preview that came to mind first!  I figured it would be a quickie article, wherein I'd have to synopsize less than ten pages.  When I saw it was only two, I felt like that would'a been a massive cop-out (and, honestly, a disservice to the property).

Here's a look at the Preview Edition... same cover, with some promo-blurbs:

Inside, it's the first two pages, featuring Jess's nightmare (which is why I didn't include these pages in the main synopsis).

This promo was actually a WildStorm/Cliffhanger! "flip book"... turn this sucker over, and we see Ninja Boy!

We get a two-page preview of this one as well...

Overall... I had much more fun with this than I ever imagined... and, although my WildStorm offerings at the site are some of my least-viewed, I'm tempted to come back and cover the next issue or two.  I'd say, if you're a fan of 80's horror movies, or light high school drama, this book might be right up your alley.  Looks like if you have Comixology Unlimited, this entire series is just waiting to be read!

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(Not the) Letters Page:

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Superman/Gen¹³ #1 (2000)

Superman/Gen¹³ #1 (June, 2000)
"The Never-Ending Prattle"
Story - Adam Hughes
Pencils - Lee Bermejo
Inks - John Nyberg
Colors - Guy Major
Letters - Mike Heisler
Edits - Eric DeSantis
Cover Price: $2.50

Here's one I've wanted to discuss here for a while now.  It's a fairly common one to find in the cheap-o bins... so much so, that anytime I saw it, I always assumed that I owned it!  Imagine my surprise when I actually set to reading the thing... and realized that I didn't!

Heck, even now, I don't have the other two issues of this thing... so, this won't be a three-part post (for that my blog-stats are thankful).

Without further ado... let's git it!

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We open with the Gen¹³ kids being told where they'll be spending their next field trip.  Ya see, it was all left to Caitlin, and the only place she wants to go is... Metropolis... for "reasons".  The rest of the gang is not keen on this, and actually feels as though Metropolis might be the most un-hip place on Earth.  Ol' Lynch peels off some cash for the kids to spend on their trip, entrusting it to Fairchild.  They hop onto a stinky train before transferring to a stinky bus... and finally arrive in the big city.

Upon de-boarding, the kids notice a bit of a kerfuffle going on in the distance.  People are rushing toward it, and Fairchild's eyes perk up.  She wonders if she's finally going to catch a glimpse of... him.  Suddenly it's all too clear to her teammates why she chose Metropolis.

And whattaya know, there "he" is!

Superman battles a giant ape... while, at the same time, trying to protect all of the civilians who'd gathered to gawk!  They're doing a really good job of illustrating how multi-faceted Superman's "gig" is.  Meanwhile, Caitlin is drawn to the Man of Steel like a moth to a flame, she tries to squeeze her way through the crowd to get a closer look.  Unfortunately, Superman gets pounded by the monkey... and sent flying toward the crowd, smashing right into Fairchild!

Superman brushes off the blow before realizing he just, ya know, crushed a civilian.  He gives her the ol' super-once-over, and is relieved to learn that she's still alive.  He covers her with his cape and promises to come back just as soon as he can.

It's here that the rest of the Gen¹³ kids decide to get involved with the skirmish.  Grunge leaps up onto the ape's shoulder with a resounding, uh, "Kowa-bung...hole"... yeesh.  He punches his way inside the beast, only to find it's being operated by a brain in a jar!

The brain, knowing the jig is up, ejects itself... and is out of sight before anyone can realize it.  Lucky for them, they've got Superman on their side... who, it turns out, isn't just faster than a speeding bullet... but can also hold his own against a brain.

Elsewhere, Caitlin begins to stir... and, she hasn't the foggiest idea who or where she is.  All she knows is she's holding Superman's cape.  She wanders into the street, and right into the path of a fire engine... and dents the sucker good.  Any guesses where this might be headed?

Back at the fight, Superman chats up Gen¹³ for a bit, and informs them that Caitlin isn't where he'd left her... he does hear a bit of hub-bub around a certain fire engine some 20 blocks away, however.  The heroes head over to get the skinny, and have the prior scene explained to them.

Superman leaves Gen¹³ to the search... and, they make a halfhearted attempt to find their missing friend.  Heck, instead of actually looking, Grunge pops into a McDonald's for lunch.  Anyhoo, we rejoin fugue-ish Caitlin, still clutching the cape, as she blows through the wad of dough Lynch gave her at a costume shop.  So... again, any ideas where this is goin'?

Gen¹³ decides their best bet to track down their pal might be... checking in with, ya know... Superman's pals.  And so, they're off to the Daily Planet, where they're introduced to... Jimmy.

Young Olsen escorts the team up into the offices where he introduces them to Lois... who, for whatever reason, is sitting very seductively on the edge of her desk.  The kids aren't so forthcoming with information... and so, she sasses them a bit.  She knows way more about them then they think she does.

She assures them, not only is she on their side... but, there are other folks here who can also be of great assistance.  One in particular, Clark Kent.

At that moment, across town, a bank robbery is goin' down.  The baddies flee the joint and run right smack into... well, just take a look.

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This definitely feels like a circa-2000 book, dunnit?  Pretty decompressed, with an art-style you wouldn't ordinarily associate with the traditionally more "cheesecake" Gen¹³ characters.

In fact, upon first opening the thing, I was pretty turned off by the art.  I just didn't think it "worked"... and, honestly, would have preferred J. Scott Campbell or a clone thereof.  In pressing on, however, I found a great appreciation for Bermejo's semi-stylized (and still somewhat understated) work.  I guess sometimes you really can't judge a book by it's cover (or opening splash page).

The story is... pretty neat!  I like the idea that Caitlin Fairchild is a big Superman fan... and would orchestrate an entire "field trip" around getting the opportunity to see him flyin' by.  Having her actually be involved as a bit of collateral damage, leaving her in an odd fugue state, was a nice twist... and, I'm assuming, will facilitate the second two-thirds of this miniseries.

Overall... it is a bit decompressed, leading to a relatively "breezy" experience.  That's not always a bad thing.  Can't say I'd tell ya to pay cover-price or above for this, but if you find it on the cheap, you can do far worse.

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(Not the) Letters Page:

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