Chris and Reggie's Cosmic Treadmill, Episode #93
Kill Image #1 (1993)
by Hart D. Fisher and Joe Duncan
Boneyard Press
Before getting into today's piece, I'd like to engage in my daily-kvetching over how awful Blogger (and Blogger Support) have been over the past few days. It's really one of those "good news, bad news" situations... where, there are a bunch of people making the exact same complaints as me... but, Blogger doesn't seem to care a whit.
I'm also coming to learn that there are "blind" Blogger fans out there... it's just like comics (any fandom, I suppose!). They ignore very real problems, shift blame to the user, all in the hope that someone with a "blue check" next to their name gives 'em a thumbs up! It's pathetic. Anyhoo, let's talk about probably the episode of the Cosmic Treadmill I'm probably the most proud of: Our coverage of Hart Fisher's Kill Image.
Chris and Reggie's Cosmic Treadmill, Episode #137
Street Poet Ray #1 (1990)
"The Word from the Street"
By Michael Redmond and Junko Hosizawa
Marvel Comics
So, ninety-some-odd seconds after I clicked "New Post", Blogger finally decided to actually open one. They really want me to use their new version... even though that one's just as broken (if not moreso) as the "legacy" version! Also, it took me several browser restarts just to import the one image atop this post. Thanks Blogger!
Well, maybe I shouldn't be so sarcastic. Maybe they're just looking out for us... because if this platform wasn't such trash, we'd still be looking at the Byrne/Mackie Reboot right now!
Instead, let's get poetic!
Chris and Reggie's Cosmic Treadmill, Episode #143
Mary Worth: The Aldo Kelrast Saga
(July 2 - October 20, 2006)
by Karen Moy & Joe Giella
King Features Syndicate
Blogger is still giving me all sorts of grief when I try uploading pictures (or even when I'm just trying to open a new post... the very piece you're hopefully reading right now, took over thirty-seconds to actually open. Gotta wonder, am I the only person using this platform having these issues? Rather than attempt at continuing down the path of the Byrne/Mackie Spider-Man Reboot, I decided to share a more personal story today... and also plug a particular episode of the Cosmic Treadmill that is very special to me.
Amazing Spider-Man (vol.2) #1 (January, 1999)
"Where R U Spider-Man???"
"Rebirth!"
"The Secrets of Spider-Man"
Writers - Howard Mackie & John Byrne
Pencils - John Byrne & Rafael Kayanan
Inks - Scott Hanna & Jimmy Palmiotti
Colors - Gregory Wright & John Kalisz
Letters - Richard Starkings & Comicraft's Liz Agraphiotis
Edits - Ralph Macchio
Chief - Bob Harras
Cover Price: $2.99
So... hey Blogger, looks like both your "New Look" and "Legacy" versions are gigantic pieces of crap! Why am I still using this platform? Today's post, which hopefully at least a person or two is going to bother to look at... took friggin' forever (we're talking close to three-GeeDee-hours... which is probably about two and a half hours longer than Howard Mackie spent writing the actual issue), thanks to Blogger being very finicky when it comes to uploading images. There are something like 25 images associated with this article. I had to manually upload them one-at-a-time, while taking several "breaks" because Blogger would simply stop responding after like three or so in a row.
I mean, this is Google, right? Like one of the biggest tech companies on this planet? Fix ya stuff.
Now, if all that's not bad enough... here's Amazing Spider-Man #1.
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We open at the Statue of Liberty, where the Human Torch has writ a message in flame... he's looking for Spider-Man, see? Seems as though the Wall Crawler meant it when he tossed his duds into the flaming drum this time. Worth noting, Byrne draws the most depressed-looking Lady Liberty here. We get a bit of a flashback to the final chapter of... The Final Chapter, and learn that it's been months since anyone's seen Spidey. Johnny rejoins the Fantastic Four and decides to give up the search... for now. The Fantasticar zips right passed a penthouse apartment... where, thanks to one giant modeling contract, Peter, Mary Jane, and Aunt May now reside.
It's really a heck of a joint... looks kinda like where a 1980's drug-lord might live. Peter is thankful that his life as Spider-Man is behind him, though not so thankful that he doesn't have a framed picture of Spidey on his wall. I guess since Parker made his name by snapping pics of Spider-Man, it makes sense that it'd be here.
Aunt May makes herself useful by slapping together a sandwich for her favorite nephew... and they sit down to "catch up". May recalls all of the weirdness of late: her faked death, her abduction, that horrible Spider-Man... yadda, yadda, yadda. Gotta wonder just how often she and Peter have this same exact conversation. I'd guess 2-3 times a day. This time, May blames it all on rap music. Seriously.
The chat is mercifully interrupted by a phone call from Mary Jane's legs. She's just found out that her time away has been extended another week-plus. Peter, doesn't seem all that bothered... so long as she's having fun, she can stay away forever! That's a sign of a healthy marriage. Peter promises not to engage in any arachnid endeavors while she's gone... after all, he's got other priorities now: grad school and an upcoming job interview!
We shift scenes to Daredevil beating up some would-be mugger in an alley. He's really felt the pressure since Spidey stepped down... looks like all the "street level" crims are now solely under his purview. That's gotta suck. Elsewhere in New York City, Captain America watches as Johnny's flaming missive dissipates. He wonders if they'll ever see Spider-Man again. Hmm... where were all these heroes while Norman was destroying half the city?
Cap heads inside and witnesses a really awkward and clunkily-written Avengers training exercise. Thor almost kills Wanda with his hammer, Justice and Iron Man are arguing over whether or not Spider-Man's disappearance even matters. It's really forced stuff. Jarvis gives Captain America the latest edition of The Daily Bugle, which has a (imagine this) scathing headline about Spider-Man. Ooooooh. This time, Jonah's gone too far... insinuating that Spider-Man might be... a coward! I'm pretty sure Jonah's accused Spidey of eating babies before... this is really the bridge too far?
Heck, even Robbie agrees! This is really bad. I'd like to give them a bit of credit here, for having Jonah still be obsessed with Spider-Man, even though nobody's seen him in forever. Robbie even tells him that he's gotten everything he's ever wanted... and has, in fact "won" his endless feud. This is just a very hamfisted way of getting that point across.
Peter arrives with some photos... but, since none of them involve Spider-Man, Jonah doesn't even wanna look at 'em. Dude's obsessed. Just then, a crime comes in over the wire: the Scorpion is running amok downtown. Peter declines an offer to go snap a few pics, leaving the gig to Betty Brant. Now, this Scorpion redesign... woof. It su-u-u-u-u-cks.
Okay, so we follow Ms. Brant downtown with her cheap-looking camera, so she might capture some of this rampage. Scorpion notices her... and heads right in her direction. But... but... but... then, Spider-Man shows up! Well, that didn't take long, now did it?
They fight for a bit, before Scorpion drops a building on poor Spidey and flees the scene. It's almost like Spider-Man is some sort of "rank amateur" or something. Welp... that's too bad.
A "short time later", we pop over to Tri Corp Research Foundation, where Peter Parker has arrived for his job interview. Hey, waitaminute, didn't he just have a building dropped on him? Hmm... well, that would be telling. Anyhoo, Pete is met by a Ms. Terry Kwan who gives him the nickel tour before introducing him to the folks he'd be working with if he's offered the gig. There are a lot of words crammed into these panels, folks. Words that basically say nothing.
Let's meet his team (well, if he gets the job, wink, wink). Walter Thorson - an Astrophysicist, Javier Caldrone - a Molecular Chemist, Stan Hardy (really?) - Geneticist, and Chantal Stone - Quantum Mechanic. It's a Burger King Kid's Club up in here.
Just then... the Scorpion attacks! Well, that's inconvenient. Peter springs into action, helping his new acquaintances to safety... hopefully, without giving away his secret identity.
The Scorpion focuses in on Peter... and reveals that his bioscan "matches perfectly", whatever that means.
Before our man can act, however... Spider-Man shows up! Wha-a-a? (You bored yet?)
As Spider-Man and the Scorpion tussle... with the latter definitely maintaining the upper-hand, Peter does some quick thinking and figures out a way to get involved in the brouhaha without giving up his secret. He notices a Kirby2000 generator, and lassos a bunch of wires around the Scorpion's arm before short-circuiting his ugly new suit.
With Gargan on the ground, Peter heads over to Spider-Man and asks who's under that mask. Spidey quips that it's a secret... duh.
Peter then meets Dr. Ted Twaki, the Head of Tri Corp... and, is offered the job on the spot. We close out with our boy returning home to share the good news with his Aunt.
That's not all, friends... we've got Back-Ups! Well, sorta... there's really very little to even talk about. The first one is called Rebirth!, and features the Scorpion testing his ugly new costume by fighting a bunch of computer-generated Spider-Men. Hmm... maybe he just went into the future and checked out a "current year" Spider-book... there are hundreds of Spider-folks running around these days!
The other back-up is called The Secrets of Spider-Man, which is more or less post-Byrne/Mackie Reboot Peter reminiscing over his time as Spider-Man... while incorporating bits and pieces from Spider-Man: Chapter One into his narrative. It's not great... but, it does save you from actually reading the first issue of Spider-Man: Chapter One... so, thank goodness for small favors!
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I'm about half-hot right now due to Blogger being a complete POS... not sure this is the sort of state of mind I ought to be in to give an objective gander to this here issue... but, there ain't anybody else writing this... so, we'll give it the old college try. I started writing this post when it was still dark outside... and it's now mid-morning. Jesus. Thanks for wasting half my Monday, Blogger! Piece of crap.
Okay, okay... let's talk Spidey. Here's the thing... reading this back, it really isn't as bad as Spider-Man: Chapter One... and yeah, that's sorta "damning with faint praise". That being said, it also doesn't (at all) feel like it ought to have been a "#1". There was nothing special about this... at all!
I feel like, and this is just me, if you have a "#1" issue, you should be able to feel like you're reading a "#1" issue... even if you didn't have the foggiest idea what the number on the cover is. It should feel NEW, it should feel FRESH... it should feel SPECIAL. This felt like none'a that. I think a few days back I said that this reboot smells like moth balls and Werther's Originals... and, I still feel that way. This is instantly stale.
It feels like a Byrnian gimmick out of the 1980's... which, back then was novel. Nearing the turn of the 21st Century, however, there's a definite feeling of "been there, done that". Byrne and Mackie were supposed to be breathing new life into this property... and, they absolutely failed. This might not be entirely their fault, however... I mean, Marvel has an editorial staff... is this really what Ralf and Harras envisioned when they handed the reins over to these two? Stale, throwback, barely Spidey newspaper-strip worthy stories?
That's kind of the most aggravating part of this... this is "serviceable" more so than "awful", but if you're relaunching, rebooting, and reimagining your flagship character/property... it needs to be more than just serviceable. It needs to absolutely kick your butt... make you sit back and say "wow". Lemme tell ya, back in 1999, we Spider-Fans were indeed saying "wow", but for all the wrong reasons.
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Fold-Out:
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Wrap-Around Cover:
The third in our series of Comix Tawk episodes, previously only available to Chris and Reggie Patrons over at Patreon. This time out, at the request of our good pal Jeremiah Jones Goldstein, we discuss some of our least favorite characters and concepts in all of comicdom!
Spider-Man: Chapter One #1 (December, 1998)
"Bitter Lesson"
Writer/Art/Letters - John Byrne
Colors - John Kalisz
Edits - Ralph Macchio
Chief - Bob Harras
Based on the Works of - Stan Lee & Steve Ditko
Cover Price: $2.50
Well... as luck would have it, I managed to find my Spider-Man: Chapter Ones... you're welcome, and I'm sorry.
Happy Sunday.
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This entire issue is framed by a sixteen year-old Spider-Man running around New York City clunkily sorta-kinda narrating the events of the days in question. We're in like three different levels/layers of "flashback" here... which really hurts the "oomph" of any of 'em. So, for the most part, we're going to ignore the framing bits, and just (attempt to) tell the story. Peter Parker was left with his Aunt May and Uncle Ben as a baby... when his folks Richard and Mary had to by "away". Peter was a good boy, and an excellent student. We see May and Ben presenting him with his own computer here... which, for whatever reason, I remember really getting under peoples' skin online back in 1998. Way back in Amazing Fantasy #15, Peter was gifted a microscope. I'm not sure why this was such a big deal... but, that's something we'll ponder further in the "down below".
Peter, is also kind of a social outcast... and none'a the kids at school have any interest in hanging around him. Same as it ever was, I guess. Not sure why, but Peter invites Flash Thompson (and some generic Byrne-faced girl I don't recognize) to an exhibition by one Doctor Otto Octavius. Naturally, they turn him down flat.
And so, poor Peter's gotta go to the science show stag. Upon arrival, Octavius is fitting with his crazy octopus arms so he can work with hazardous materials without worry of them getting on his skin. As the experiment is about to commence, however... along comes a spider. Hmm... that's not how I remember this happening!
The itsy-bitsy winds up getting sucked into the experiment's ventilation shaft, causing the whole magilla to go a bit ca-ca. There's a huge explosion, which, apparently kills many of the spectators! Now, that's what Spider-Man's origin story needed! More guilt!
Peter himself was wounded pretty bad... but, before he passes out... he notices that he's bit on the hand by a spider. Hmm. It's sort of implied here, though not said outright, that the spider-bite actually saved Peter Parker's life that day.
We jump ahead, to the local Radio Shack or whatever, where Uncle Ben has decided to surprise his survivor of a nephew with... yet another brand-new top of the line computer rig! How many PCs does this kid need? Oh well... I suppose we can assume the other one might be a bit outdated by now. Anyhoo... Uncle Ben asks for some help carrying the gigantic box out to his car. Remember, folks, computers used to be very big... awkward, and heavy. Some helpful scumbag offers to give the old man a hand... and we find out immediately that he's no model citizen. An officer who just so happens to be passing by, stops to question him... referring to him as a "second story" man... which is to say, he robs peoples' upstairs's's... or at least gains entry into a home through an upstairs window.
Peter finally returns home... and feels like he's now strong enough to try out for the football team. One day, while walking home from school, poor Peter is almost hit by a car. Our boy famously leaps some fifteen feet into the air, and clings onto the wall of a nearby building. While up there, he crinkles an iron pipe as though it were just paper.
Back at home, Peter ponders just what he might do with his newfound "great power"... and it all becomes clear when he and his Aunt and Uncle watch the wrestling matches that night.
After hearing Crusher Hogan's $1,000 challenge, Peter decides to test his powers in the ring. Naturally, he makes short work out of the poor Crusher... and even finds himself getting an Agent!
Our boy then goes home... designs his Spider-Man costume and web-cartridges overnight... and returns to his Agent with his new "gimmick": The Amazing Spider-Man.
Spider-Man becomes quite the sensation... so much so, that I can hardly believe that nobody ever asks him about his time in entertainment in the forty-or-so years he'd been in the superhero biz? I mean, they're showing him on late night talk shows and everything! I thought this was just supposed to be a small wrestling show.
The kids at school fall in love with Spider-Man. The boys wanna be him, and the girls swoon over what a dreamboat he is. Peter is offered like a hundred-grand from his Agent to sign a contract... and so, he decides it's time to "cash in" in order to give May and Ben the life they deserve. That night, Spider-Man leaves the house through his bedroom window... and, whattayaknow, that scumbag from the Radio Shack sees him go!
Spider-Man arrives at the studio, and puts on the performance of a lifetime. In fact, the entire Marvel Universe of the day is tuned in to see it! I can hardly believe Byrne controlled himself enough not to sneak in a cameo from the Marvel: The Lost Generation bunch! Okay, that's unfair... they didn't exist yet.
So, Spidey kicks butt on TV... and everything's coming up roses, right? Welp... in the hallway of the studio, he's approached by... the scumbag from Radio Shack! The SB from RS introduces himself as a fellow "second story man". Ya see, he's under the assumption that Spidey himself was a burglar... seein' as though he left through an upstairs window. Funny, this jagoff says he's been "casing" that house for awhile, but never noticed that the elderly couple living there have a young nephew? C'mahhhhn. Anyhoo, the chat is interrupted by... that same old officer from before, demanding that Spider-Man "stop" that fella. Spider-Man (duh) doesn't. The scumbag escapes via elevator.
The Officer, actually Captain of the Forest Hills Police Precinct, asks why Spider-Man didn't stop the crook... to which, Spidey tells him to do his own job. He then cockily walks away.
Then... he goes home, only to find his house surrounded by police cars. Anna Watson grabs him, and introduces him to the police as... "the murdered man's nephew".
An Officer informs Peter that their house was burgled... and, amid the scuffle, Uncle Ben was fatally shot. The "good news", if we can call it that, is the burglar is currently surrounded at the old Acme Warehouse... probably full of weird mail-order goods, and cancelled checks from a coyote. Peter stomps off.
But first... he changes into his "work clothes".
Upon arrival at the warehouse, the burglar gleefully greets him! Ya see... are ya ready for this reveal... I-I hope you're sitting... the burglar is the same scumbag from before! Ya know, the "second story man"! He assumes Spider-Man's here for a piece of the action! To help, even!
The Burglar explains everything... how he'd been casing the Parker home, and how he had to kill the old man. Spider-Man, unsurprisingly, completely loses it... but, his rage isn't so blind that he doesn't helpfully inform the reader that this is the man he didn't stop back at the studio (after the man makes it perfectly clear to him, that is). So, now even the kids in the back of the class get it!
Spidey stops himself from actually killing the Burglar... and instead, webs the bastid up and delivers him to the Police.
We wrap up with that familiar line regarding Power and Responsibility... which, I don't recall Ben ever saying this issue. Maybe I just glazed over it... I dunno.
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Welp... before we get into it, I'd like to address the first line of the (not the) Letters Page... which, basically asks the simple question "Why?" Ya see, John Byrne did that thing where you ask yourself the question that you're afraid everyone else is going to ask... just so you can be "ahead" of it when it comes to pass. So, "Why?"... why does this thing exist? Does it have a reason to? Does it add any value to Spider-Man's story? What was the point?
Well, in order to answer any of those questions... I'd like to take a little informal survey. I'm going to assume (which is dangerous) that most (if not all) of the folks reading this little article have already, at one point or another, read the eight-page Spider-Man origin story from Amazing Fantasy #15.
Here's my survey question: Was that eight-page origin story too hard for anyone to follow? Even taking into account that this was a story taking place in the early 1960's (and not the late 1980's)... was it hard to understand what was going on? Just because Peter was originally given a microscope instead of a computer... were you still able to "keep up" with the Lee/Ditko version?
I'm going to assume (again), that... for the most part, people were able to keep up with the eight-pager in Amazing Fantasy #15... because, a) none of you are stupid, and b) it's an easy to follow story!
What we have here tries wayyy too hard to explain everything, while failing in its execution. By making every beat of Spider-Man's origin "important", it actually has the opposite effect. Least it did for me. I wanna remind everyone about something I said yesterday. I was a die-hard Marvel Zombie at this time... I bought everything with a Marvel logo on it, including reprints, awful manga adaptations of animated series', half-assed miniseries'... everything. I dropped this series five-issues in. Just couldn't take it anymore.
Let's discuss the big burglar reveal... while going back to our little informal survey. Was it unclear to anyone in reading Amazing Fantasy #15 that the man who killed Uncle Ben was the same guy Spider-Man let go? I mean, that was kind of the entire point, right? I don't think that fact was lost on anybody... Spider-Man even says it outright. Lee assumed that would be enough. Here, however, Byrne has to have the Burglar himself explain it!
I always thought the biggest tragedy of this origin was the fact that Ben's murder was one of opportunity, and he wasn't necessarily a "target". It was the random nature of the incident that really drove home the point (at least to me) that ya just never know. Here, however... I dunno... the whole situation is a bit too "manicured". Everything fits... just a little too well, which again, takes a lot of the power out of the story.
Let's look at Spider-Man's "career" in entertainment for a minute. Anyone else think they went a little too far with this? I mean, he's a full-blown celebrity at this point. Gotta remember, this isn't a story taking place in 1962 anymore... so, it's not like only people with WPIX Channel 11 in New York would recognize Spider-Man... this, you gotta assume, is some worldwide notoriety Spidey's getting. I mean, we can even go deeper, and look at how Professional Wrestling as a "thing" was booming during the 1980's (when I'm assuming this series has been bumped up to in the timeline). An Amazing Spider-Man pro-wrestler, who could do the things Peter could do? That's gonna be some big-time stuff. I don't understand how that can be "walked back", making Spider-Man "just" a superhero in all subsequent appearances.
I'll give Byrne one thing... many pages in this issue are sort of like a "shot for shot" remake from Amazing Fantasy #15... just "updated" to feel more, I dunno, contemporary. That said, I still have a bit of a problem with it. Anyone reading this playing the recently-released Final Fantasy VII REMAKE? One of the major critiques of it is "bloat". The original story, which many find to be a masterpiece of its time, has been expanded upon to fill in the player on some details of the world and flesh out some of the side-characters who were barely a blip in the original version. Thing of it is, is... nobody asked for any of that.
We go back to Byrne's "Why?" Did anybody ask for this. No. Does it have a reason to exist? No. Does Spider-Man's origin need to be tied in with the origin(s) of his rogues gallery? Again, no. We're not making movies here... it doesn't need to be simplified, dumbed down, or compartmentalized in such a way.
I mentioned during the synopsis the big USENET/internet controversy of the microscope vs. the computer. People (appeared to be) up in arms over this very... verrrrry minor change up. Here's the thing (and this is just me postulating)... when we talk about certain comic book creators, they tend to become most "creative" when it comes to defending their work. If only they put that much effort into telling a decent story on the page, right?
I feel like this very minor quibble became the centerpiece of all arguments against Spider-Man: Chapter One... and, I feel like that was by design. Because, really... does it matter? No, of course it doesn't. What it does, however... is make anybody (and everybody) who has anything negative to say about this series look extraordinarily petty and set in their ways. It's a way to disregard criticism... because, honestly, how could anybody argue with fans as stubborn as those who'd get hung up on 1980's Peter getting a computer, when 1960's Peter got a microscope instead?
The whole thing was much ado about nothing... and yet, it always seemed to pop up in reports of criticism of the series. Personally, I didn't care a whit about the change-up... it was the rest of the issue that I hated... and I have a sneaking suspicion, I'm not alone in that.
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(Not the) Letters Page:
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